As the one-year anniversary of Kevin's death grew closer, Sam began to isolate himself from everyone. He couldn't stand to look anyone in the eye, he still felt so guilty for what happened to Kevin. The image of his hand on Kevin's forehead still haunted his dreams. No matter how many times Dean tried to convince Sam that it wasn't his fault, he still felt like it was. It made him feel even worse knowing that Kevin had been trapped in the veil for several months until they finally stopped Metatron and figured out a way to get everyone back into heaven.
But that was where it all started. After Kevin had contacted them about his mother and they found out that the souls of everyone who died since the fall were trapped, Sam started to talk to him. When he couldn't sleep because of the guilt, when he had a hard day, when he just missed the prophet, he would talk to him. It was kind of like a prayer, but Sam wasn't sure Kevin ever heard him.
On warm nights like this, Kevin and Sam used to walk to a clearing they had found in the wood near the bunker and look at the stars. Kevin always loved seeing the stars and being surrounded by trees at the same time. Sam had only been able to bring himself to go there a few times since Kevin died. The memories Sam had in that place were so strong, he still felt them every time he went there. It was where Sam had nervously told Kevin that he felt something more than friendship, where Kevin told him he felt the same… it was the place that they'd shared their first kiss and said "I love you" for the first time. It was where Sam asked Kevin to marry him. They hadn't even got the chance to tell Dean before Kevin was killed. Before he killed Kevin.
At one in the morning on this particular night, Sam found himself stumbling through the woods to the clearing. It was illuminated by the moon, which seemed especially bright, Sam noticed. He laid down in the spot he and Kevin used to and stared at the stars. He closed his eyes and he saw Kevin's sweet smile. He remembered how it felt to have Kevin pressed into his side, head resting on his shoulder, he remember what it felt like to kiss him. But these memories were only present for a brief moment before the vision of Kevin being burnt from the inside out filled his mind.
Sam let the tears slip from his eyes. He didn't care anymore, he was tired of holding it in. "Kevin. I miss you so much," He mumbled as tears streamed down his face. "And this is all my fault… I'm so sorry, so, so sorry. I don't know what to do without you. All I feel is pain and guilt. It should have been me. I would have deserved it, but you… you did nothing but help. You didn't deserve it. I need you, Kev. I'm going crazy without you. I don't care about being safe anymore… I don't care about being alive anymore. I still love you, and I always will. You were my one and only…" his voice drifted off, "and we were getting married. If I hadn't… if I hadn't killed you, we'd be married right now. You would be here with me, you would be my husband. I'm always going to be yours… I don't know if you can hear this, I hope you can… I'm so sorry. I love you."
Silence returned to the clearing. It felt so cold and lonely without Kevin, but then again, everything felt lonely without Kevin. Being in the bunker felt lonely, the library was the worst. Sam had to change rooms after Kevin died… he couldn't stand being in there without Kevin, he couldn't lie in the bed without missing Kevin.
"I really… I just need you, Kevin," Sam whispered as he sat up. "I really, really need you…"