Animal I Have Become
A Tohru/Kyo one-shot I can't escape this hell.
I do not own Three Days Grace's Song (Animal I Have Become) or the characters from Fruits Basket.
So many times I've tried;
But I'm still caged inside.
Somebody get me through this nightmare:
I can't control myself.
I can't... I can't do this! Running wildly, blindly, until he tripped and fell over onto the ground, Kyo Sohma felt the hated beads digging into his arm as he landed on it and lay there, tasting the dirt and the sweat pouring off his face. He might have been only a few feet or many miles from Shigure's house, but he didn't know or care: He was away from that damned Yuki, away from that damned Shigure, and away from...
Tohru. She was just trying to help me. She accepts me as I am, but... Sometimes it's all too much. I probably worried her...
He stood up, noting a tear in his jean leg, then decided he didn't care enough to bother with it as he brushed his t-shirt off, feeling his wrist catch against the red fabric. "Dammit, you stupid things... I hate you!" He yelled, fighting the urge to pick at it in hopes of breaking it now that no one was around to care, fighting the urge to just run forever as a hidious monster.
I'd be unloved, but at least I wouldn't ever have to put up with other people again. No confinment, no Akito, no losing to Yuki time after time... Hell, Tohru wouldn't even be afraid of me! Not that she was really afraid, even for a second...
At least she cared... But I wouldn't have to worry about hurting her, either.
But... I'd never be able to see her again either. She's... She still cares. Why the hell did I leave like that? I knew she was going to get hurt, and yet...
"Dammit!" He kicked out at a nearby tree, seeing for the first time how blood-red the sunset was. "This place is as much like hell as Shigure's house! Even though no one's here to mock me, everything else can mock me!" Including my own thoughts...
"No matter where I run to, I'm still trapped. I can't run without leaving her behind, and I can't stay with her without feeling caged by my fate. I hate this stupid Zodiac! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I..." He pounded the tree with each word, feeling his fists bruising over with each hit, the pain helping him to realize the truth: He was trapped.
"Dammit!" He sank back down on his knees, panting heavily and trying to get it out of the way, trying to force his instincts back so that he could carefully consider the logic behind all this, but at the same time, his head was clouded with pain, rage, fear...
"I'm like an animal!" He screamed, feeling himself start to lose it as he lunged for the tree. "I'm just like an animal!"
So what if you can see
The darkest side of me?
No one would ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe:
It's not the real me.
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal)
(This animal)
When he finally stood back up, Kyo checked his fists for signs that he had broken them, feeling at least part of his rational return to his mind. "Why do I always do that to myself? My instincts... I don't think... Just like an animal. I lose control..."
"Just like that stupid rat said I would!" Even though he would have liked not think about it, now that he'd calmed down enough to be rational under the darkening sky, his mind flashed back to his previous argument with Yuki.
"Kyo?" Kyo recoginized the voice before he even looked up, but he was confused: Why was Yuki bothering with him, anyway? Him, of all people? And why did he not just jump on the chance to insult him?
There stood the violet-haired 'Prince', brushing his hair out of his face where it was stuck with sweat. No wonder, Kyo remembered thinking. If you'd take your damned school uniform off, maybe you wouldn't die when you got home.
"I want to talk to you about Tohru."
"What about her, you damned rat?" The entire air of the conversation was now annoying to him. Yuki, who never talked to him, was suddenly trying to be friendly toward him, and it irked Kyo.
"Nothing. I just... Well, you seem to be spending a lot of time together lately."
Walking down the halls. Laughing. Always by his side, or so it seemed lately, was Tohru Honda. Caring, with her brown hair and a musical, if not somewhat nervous, laugh that made him smile even on the darkest days. Giving him someone to care for, someone who cared about him and wasn't afraid...
"We have not. Besides, why do you care?"
"I don't. I was going to tell you I'm glad you're making friends, but... Don't get the wrong idea about her. Don't think she's the one who's going to be able to love you in that hidious form forever and free you from confinment. And don't you dare try to use her to beat me."
"...What the hell did you just say?" Kyo hollored. "I would never use Tohru! Tohru isn't scared of me! You're the one trying to bring her into this fight between us! I hate you, Yuki! I hate you, do you hear me? You damned rat!" He threw a punch, which Yuki caught, twisting Kyo's arm sideways at a sickening angle and bringing him down, so that his head was trapped in an odd sort of side headlock.
"I was just making sure. You should lose the animal temper, because if you hurt her I swear to God I will kill you, you miserable..."
"Stop!" Clumsy-sounding footsteps came running toward them. "Yuki, don't blame Kyo for this! Kyo, please don't run away! I can help you both! Stop fighting, please. I like you both just the same! Oh Kyo---"
Kyo twisted out of Yuki's manuver. "I see how it is!" He snareled, kicking Yuki before retreating. He was much, much too fast for anyone to catch, too angry to be brought to his knees by anything, that phrase pounding through his mind...
'I like you both just the same!'
I don't want to be liked the same as that damned rat! Just go away, Tohru! He could hear her coming through the underbrush, but he didn't care, and so instead of continuing running, he spun to face her.
"What do you care? Get lost!" He screamed as he saw her sweaty face rounding a corner, clutching a stitch in her chest.
"Kyo... Kyo, why are you so angry...?"
"Leave me alone!"
"Leave him alone, Tohru. He can't control that animal temper of his anyway. Once a monster, always a monster." Yuki was standing there, loosely draping an arm over her shoulder to lead her away. "Come on, you don't need to stand here and take this."
"But... Kyo..."
Kyo was already gone.
I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times I've lied
(So many times i've lied)
But there's still rage inside.
Somebody get me through this nightmare:
I can't control myself.
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one would ever change this animal I have become.
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become.
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal...
Why did I do that? I know she cares, and yet I just ran away! Like a jerk! I let my feelings get ahold of me! No matter what I do, my feelings always get in the way! They keep me from facing down Akito, beating down that damned rat...
And even telling Tohru how I feel. They always keep me from telling her anything! Maybe she wouldn't like me 'just the same' as that damned Yuki if I'd try telling her things! I'm such a...
He kicked the tree, again too angry for words, and realized it was almost completely dark. I wonder if this is what my confinment will be like. All alone with thoughts and fears and regrets, in the dark...
Then again, I was born into darkness, or so they like to tell me. Maybe that's just where the miserable cat is meant to stay...
No matter where I go, I'm not going to be able to escape myself. Not now, not ever. "Why was I born into this trap? Why, dammit? Dammit!" He kicked the tree again, feeling it pulse and shake under his weight.
"Why have I been lying to myself, anyway? I can't beat Yuki. It's just a trap, a trick, a nightmare... And I'm totally stuck!"
Again, the anger ebbed away, the anger at imprisionment, at Yuki, and at Tohru, but not at himself. It's like some horrible nightmare. I can say and feel and do whatever I feel like, but...
I'll never escape it without help. But every time someone wants to help... I pull away from them! This isn't right...
I needed to let her help me. But I'm... Just a stupid animal. Running on pure instinct, on lies and fears, and now...
I'm totally alone.
And I can't control myself.
I left the only person who COULD help me control myself. But... Just then, his feet started to move along the unmarked, darkened path, a tiny sliver of silver moonlight occasionally lighting where he was going on an otherwise destitute path through the night air.
I have to find Tohru. Maybe she can help me... Maybe if I say what I need to say, something will change. Maybe I'llcontrolthe animal and be myself again...
This can't be what I'm meant to be. I need to get out. "I need to get out..." He whispered, and so his half-blind journey through the uncertain shadows and trees continued until he was running blindly, without even his instincts any longer.
Just the thought that he needed to get out.
Somebody help me through this nightmare:
I can't control myself.
Somebody wake me from this nightmare:
I can't escape this animal.
This animal...
This animal...
This animal...
"I will not be scared. I will not be scared..." Tohru, holding a light over the path and trying to figure out if those were Kyo's shoe prints or her own, made her way along the narrow path of broken bramble left by Kyo as he flee the Sohma estate. He was so scared and lonely... Yuki shouldn't have talked about that monster he becomes...
That doesn't matter anyway. That's not Kyo... He's not always an animal, just when he can't control himself anymore! That's not his fault! He always wears the beads, and he's so careful about it... He never tries to hurt anyone!
It must be like a nightmare for him... He must feel so alone... No wonder he ran from me! Maybe... Maybe he's trying to run from himself? The thought clicked in her head partly because of a half-finished thought about litature class drifting across it, but mostly because her entire focus was on Kyo and what he might have been trying to really say to her when he fled earlier.
That was when she first heard the crashing in the underbrush, and then saw the figure running wildly before she could get out it's way. Red hair and a blood-red t-shirt crashed into her, and she screamed as she hit the ground and felt her own arm start to bleed.
You... total... ass! Kyo found himself thinking. I just hurt Tohru! I really am an animal, I really do need to be locked away...
I really don't have any control anymore. Someone, wake me from this nightmare...
"Tohru? Are you okay?" He made himself ask, examining the cut as he pulled her off the ground and into a kneeling position against him so he could check her.
"I'm so glad I found you!" She went to throw her other arm around him but then withdrew, smiling none the less. "Come on, let's go home! I'm so glad you're safe, I thought for sure you'd been eaten or something..."
"Can we talk while we walk?" Kyo asked her seriously, gently brushing off the cut. "You seem to have forgiven me for earlier..."
"It's okay, I know Yuki made you mad."
"It has nothing to do with Yuki..." It has to do with me... I'm an animal. An animal... I hurt people. I... I hurt you, Tohru.
Now, if only I could speak.
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become.
Help me believe it's not the real me.
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me:
Somebody help me tame this animal.
"Then what does it have to do with?"
"Well... You and I... We've been spending a lot of time together lately and Yuki... Yuki... Said I might use you to try to beat him. Like he thinks that's all I care about! But... I would never use you like that, never!"
"I know you wouldn't," she said, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder. "I know you're not like that. You shouldn't worry about what Yuki says... I yelled at him for that beforeI left..." She leaned down and picked up her lantern, which luminated her eyes in a way Kyo had never noticed; backlighting them with warmth. At once, his inspiration came.
"I care about you, Tohru."
"I know. I care about you too, Kyo!"
"Not like that. I mean... I really care about you. Like... I care about you so deeply that when you said you liked both me and Yuki... I don't know, I snapped."
"Kyo... Is that what all this was about?"
"No, Tohru... I mean, I really was upset over Yuki, but also... You... I just... We've been spending so much time together, and I thought maybe, just maybe... Someone could fall in love with the ugly animal. The monster. The stupid cat."
"I... I like you too, Kyo. I really do care about you. It's just... I don't want you two to fight anymore. And you're not a stupid cat. You're a person. A good person."
"You... You... Like me too?" He stuttered.
"Will you come home with me now?" She asked him, moving her face closer to his. "Please? I'll fix you something to eat, and we can sit down and talk and I'll help you with your homework and..."
Kyo felt the emotion coming on before it actually did, but this was one impulse he didn't mind. He leaned over and kissed Tohru right on the lips, and slowly, slowly, he found himself feeling better as she fumbled and blushed for a few moments before kissing him back.
"It doesn't matter what you think of yourself. You're not all that dark. You've got a good heart. Come on, Kyo. I'll help you... You're not an animal. You're a person. A good, open-hearted person."
He kissed her again. "Thanks, Tohru. Come on, let's go home."
She smiled and ran to catch up with him as he started to walk away, until she tripped on a rock and found herself falling, falling... And she put out her arms to catch herself around Kyo's waist.
(This animal I have become)
"Well, that was ironic..." Muttered Kyo the orange cat. "For someone who's not an animal, I certainly look like one."
Tohru just laughed and picked him up. "Come on, let's go."
It wasn't until Kyo changed back, blushing and running behind a bush with his clothes, that he realized he might become an animal, but he didn't have to be one.
Not when he had someone to surpress the animal. Tohru was smiling at him from across the path even though her eyes were shielded, and he couldn't help but smile too.
So thisis what control feels like.
(END)