Connie
I worry about it all the way to the cabin. I can't wait to see Grace, but Sam is another matter. I want to see him, I do – so much. I really do, but after the way he left, I don't know how it's going to be. I thought I knew him better than anyone – he knows how to get under my skin the way no one else does and to a certain extent, that works both ways. So, I thought I knew him, but truthfully, I don't have a clue.
I don't blame him for leaving – it was my fault entirely, but I feel that I've cut off anything he might have felt for me – severed everything other than the fact we have a daughter together and there is no going back – no matter how much I long to.
It's ironic really – that 'co-parenting' is all we have left, considering all the years I tried to stop him from being a father to Grace. Now it's the only thing I have to hold on to.
Gracie wants me here for Christmas – and I want to be here with them both, but I have no idea how Sam feels about me being here – no idea at all. I haven't spoken to him. The two of us have had practically no contact since their sudden departure in the summer – other than a couple of short, blunt emails about the arrangements for my trip. The emails were completely unemotional and the wording was cold and detached. It didn't sound like Sam. He's one of the most warm and passionate men I know – even when he tries not to be. He signed the emails off with his name – but they could have been from anyone, and they gave me more questions than answers.
Does he want me there? - or is he just agreeing to it for Grace's sake? Is it going to be difficult for him – like it is for me? Is he angry with me? - or is he totally indifferent? I don't know which is worse.
Who am I kidding, though? He's a handsome consultant. He'll have women falling at his feet and why would he have ever cared for me that much anyway? What are the chances that he hasn't got someone else by now – someone better. Grace hasn't mentioned anyone – but then I haven't asked. I don't want to know the answer. I had my chance and I threw it back in his face. I can't expect him to want me now.
My taxi arrives at the cabin and they're both waiting for me outside – in the freezing cold. Grace is jumping up and down excitedly and she runs straight into my arms as I get out the taxi.
"Mummy!" She squeals happily.
I wish Sam had been that pleased to see me, but he remains standing back, rigidly and I can't look at him. I don't want to see his face.
"Hello sweetie, I missed you so much!" I whisper to my daughter, as I return her hug, before getting my purse out.
"I've got it." Sam retorts, stepping forward to help the man unload my case. He gets his wallet out of his back pocket and pays the driver.
"Thanks." I mutter, burying my face in Grace's hair. I find that I still can't look at him, at least not his face. I'm afraid of what I might see. I can't bear the thought of seeing how much he hates me – or that he just doesn't care anymore.
I think that would be worse.
Sam
We wrap up warmly and wait outside the cabin. It's freezing, but Grace is much to excited by her Mum's imminent arrival to wait inside. I'm excited to see Connie too – I am, but I'm nervous as well. So nervous. The way I left was cruel and she didn't deserve it. She was trying with Grace, but I wanted her to try with me as well. The three of us as a family – that's what I wanted. That's what Connie wanted. That's what Grace wanted. But at the same time, Connie rejected my advances. It was strange – she wanted me and she didn't. I couldn't understand it then – and I still don't.
At the end of the day, I just couldn't cope with the rejection from her – it messed with my head. That's why I took Grace and left, but I could have handled it better. I owed Connie that.
I fear I've made her hate me by leaving like that. I don't think that Connie will ever forgive me. It must have destroyed her when she found out we'd gone. She certainly didn't react how she normally would have – at least not for long.
There was anger to start with – messages threatening legal action and custody battles, but after a couple days, they stopped and it seemed that she had suddenly backed down and accepted the situation without an argument. That was uncharacteristic of Connie and it was like a slap in the face. I didn't understand it.
I heard her voice sometimes when Grace video-messaged her – though I was careful to stay out the way, so she couldn't see me. She sounded pretty devastated at not being able to hug her daughter – see her properly.
I never spoke to Connie myself. I didn't want to – I didn't know what to say. The only time the two of us have conversed since I left, were via emails. They were short and to-the-point and my wording must have sounded cold – it did to me when I wrote them, but...how could it be anything else when I don't know what to feel.
Grace runs into her Mum's arms the second she gets out of the taxi – I wish that I could too, but Connie can't even look at me. There's a definite awkward atmosphere – but it's not the one I was expecting. There's no feeling of hatred from her. If she does hate me – she's hiding it well – probably for Grace's sake. Instead, it's as though she's scared to look me in the eye.
She goes to pay the taxi, but I say I'll do it. She mutters her thanks but she still can't look at me.
After we go back in the cabin, we all snuggle up on the sofa in front of the roaring log fire – at least, Connie and Grace are snuggled – and Grace and I are, but Connie's gaze remains detached from mine, no matter how hard I try to make eye contact. Either she can't look at me because she does hate me and she wants to hide that from Grace – or she's afraid of what she might see. If only I could catch her eye – because, if it's the latter, I just want to know why she's scared of me.
Connie
Sam keeps trying to catch my eye as we sit with Grace on the sofa. It gives me hope that he does want me here. I want to look at him – but I can't bring myself to do it. Putting on a front for Grace is one thing – but if there is hatred in his eyes, he won't be able to hide it from me.
Sam Strachan has the most gorgeous, warm eyes, but I'm afraid of finding them cold if I dare to look.
"I'll make some tea." Sam mutters and goes to get up.
"Wait." Grace exclaims suddenly, stopping him in his tracks. "I've noticed that you and Mum haven't really said, 'hello'..." She announces pointedly. Sam's expression freezes as I quickly look away again, without our eyes meeting. I feel my body tensing up – and I think Grace notices that too. "If you're not going to hug...can you at least shake hands?" She asks, hopefully.
I swallow and stretch my hand out to him. "It's nice to see you, Sam."
"Well, it would be if you looked at me." He comments, taking my cold hand in his warm one and brushing it against his lips instead of shaking it.
His gesture takes me by surprise, so that I forget myself and he successfully catches my eye. His eyes are as warm as they normally are when he looks at me and I relax a bit. "Sorry." I mutter as the ice wall between us melts.
"Hm-mm, that's better, isn't it. It's great to have you here, Con." He smiles with obvious relief. "I'll go and make the tea."
Sam
I stop at the doorway and breathe a sigh of relief. I know we still have a long way to go - and I think that will come out when the two of us are alone, but I think I've reassured her.
"Mummy?" I hear Grace ask. "Why is it so awkward between you and Daddy?"
Oh shit. We are going to have to work a lot harder if we want to convince our daughter that we don't hate each other.
"It's been a long time, sweetie." Connie begins. She pauses, clearly trying to find the right words. "Your Dad and I haven't...been able...to talk, since you came back to America – it was...too hard for us."
"You spoke to me." Our daughter points out.
"That's different – you're my daughter." Connie explains. "Grown ups...they can be...cowards sometimes when it comes to talking. We're...not very good at...talking about our feelings..." She trails off and I decide I had better go and make the tea, before they see me eavesdropping.
There's something preying on my mind. Connie said she didn't speak to me because it was 'too hard'.
Connie
I change the subject and ask Grace how school is going. I don't want to be talking about Sam when he comes back in.
"School's great." She enthuses. "I'm top in Science and PE."
"That's our girl!" I smile. She's inherited both Sam's - and my genes when it comes to science. Sam. I find myself back on the subject I'm trying to move away from, but I need to know. I want to know. "And Daddy...is he...happy?"
Grace thinks about it for a while. "Yeah...I think so...he misses you, though."
"He said that?" I mutter– unable to mask my surprise.
"He doesn't need to, Mum. It's obvious – he talks about you all the time." She answers. "And he works too hard. He's always tired when he comes home."
"But he does get out – sometimes?" I ask. "I mean, he must have..." I hesitate. Can I really ask my daughter this? "...friends?"
Sam
I get back to the living room doorway with the tray of tea – just in time to hear Grace answer.
"Daddy doesn't have a girlfriend – if that's what you want to know."
My breath catches in my throat – alerting Connie and Grace to the fact I'm back in the room. I swallow and smile, walking towards them. "tea."
Connie looks at me this time and smiles back. It's brief but it's a smile nonetheless.
Connie
I'm kicking myself. He wasn't meant to hear that, but he clearly did. I give him a nervous smile as he brings the tea. I didn't want him to know I was fishing to find out whether he was seeing anyone. It's none of my business and the last thing I want is for him to catch me being nosey and get annoyed because I'm interfering. That's not how I meant it.
"She got a great report from parents' evening." Sam comments, gesturing at Grace as he sits down and hands me a mug of tea.
Grace giggles. "Yes – and Miss Roberts totally fancies Daddy!"
Sam looks genuinely surprised and I chuckle because apparently he hadn't noticed that one of Gracie's teachers is sweet on him.
"Miss Roberts is...?" he mutters vaguely.
"Spanish teacher." Grace reminds him brightly.
Sam nearly drops his cup of tea. I reach forward, over Grace and catch it before it slops over him. "Careful!"
"You do Spanish?" Sam stammers at our daughter.
"You didn't know?!" She snorts indignantly. "Seriously, Dad?"
"Yes." I remark in amazement. "Seriously, Sam – how exactly did you go to meet her Spanish teacher at parents evening without knowing that she teaches Grace Spanish?"
I can't wait for his answer to this one.