That Which We Seek...
A story where Mac loses something and finds something else; both allowing him to find peace in his life that he did not even know he was missing…
The mission had been a success; they were able to not only recover the formula for the vaccine that has the potential to save countless lives, but they had also been able to reunite a family and bring them to safety. The team, Jack, Riley, Bozer, Cage and Mac were all laughing and joking as they entered Matty's office, greeting their boss with smiles on their faces, even Cage.
Matty looked up at her team when they entered her office, being louder than usual. Secretly she was happy to see they were all back in one piece and in good spirits, outwardly she opted to maintain her "boss persona" and cleared her throat loudly before saying, "I'm glad to see you are all having such a good time, but can you turn it down a notch? This is my office not a carnival"; that did the trick and the gang stopped and spewed several "sorry Matty" responses. Mac looked up at the giant screen on the wall behind his diminutive boss, registering the fact that there was some sort of chase going on which involved some very large men as well as some men who appeared to be American; it was obviously not related to their last mission, so Mac assumed that it is either an active mission involving another Phoenix team or some surveillance that Matty had going on which may or may not end up involving them. His attention was distracted away from the screen when he heard Jack say "Oh come on Matty, cut us a break! We were awesome in our last assignment and you know it! A little celebration, maybe even a raise is in order here" Jack said, winking at their boss, who did not seem amused by Jack's antics. Mac chuckled at his friend's constant efforts to annoy Matty; they both seem to enjoy their banter and Jack was not one to back down first so this could go on forever really.
Matty raised an eyebrow at Jack and said "well, I can always arrange for you to spend some time on the Unemployed-Agent's-Line maybe that will get your attention Jack; as for the rest of you" Matty spread her arms and swept the group, "you can join him if you want". Several, "nope", "no" and "I'm good" comments later, the team was now silent and looking at their leader for instructions. This was supposed to be a debrief of their last mission and they all wanted to get it over with so they could go home and get some rest, for although a success, their last mission was non-stop action and very physically demanding on all of them. "Now, I am pleased at the result of the last mission" Matty told them, "The formula for the vaccine is back where it belongs and it will lead to the development of life-saving medicine that will help thousands, so Oversight is pleased…"
Mac was only half-listening, his attention had been drawn back towards the Vid Screen on the wall; there were a couple of men approaching a parked vehicle on a tiny street which looked to be somewhere in Germany judging by the street signs; there was something oddly familiar about one of the men though that caught his eye and he could not help but stare closely at the scene being played out; unconsciously he took a few steps towards the screen, almost as if it was beckoning him; the others noticed Mac's change in stance and mood, and turned to watch him, including Matty who walked over to where Mac was standing, so close to the screen that he appeared to almost want to enter it. "Hey, Baby Einstein!" Matty said, using her favorite nickname for the blond genius, "See something interesting?"
Mac suddenly could not breathe, it was as if the room's oxygen supply had been sucked out completely; he gasped loudly, reaching out with his hand to brace himself against the wall to keep from falling on his face as he watched the 3 men enter the car a few seconds before it exploded; "Oh God!" He cried out, dimly aware of someone speaking to him and of hands grabbing his arms as he stood there shaking, willing his lungs to work and his head to make sense of what he just saw. "Riley", he said breathlessly, shaking off Jack's and Bozer's grasp, both of whom had grabbed his arms when he faltered, in an effort to help and figure out what the hell was going on? "Rewind that" he pointed to the section of the screen where the burning car sat.
"Mac…" Riley started but one look at Mac's face quieted her and she grabbed her laptop, glancing at Matty for approval who nodded and did as Mac asked. Everyone's gaze lifted to the Vid screen as the scene of the 3 men getting into the car replayed. "Stop it there" Mac asked; the image froze on the screen at the point where one of the men's face was visible although a bit grainy. "Mac, what is going on bud?" Jack asked as Mac once again approached the screen, staring at the man's image; Mac ignored Jacks' question and simply said, "Can you zoom in on that face?" Riley nodded and did so, Mac started trembling slightly but enough for Jack to notice and move to stand beside his friend, shoulder to shoulder; everyone looked up at the screen again and although still grainy, they all could not help but notice the man's eyes, brilliantly blue eyes, eyes just like someone else's they knew.
Bozer was watching his friend's reactions to the video puzzled; what caught Mac's attention was the three men that apparently just got blown to smithereens after entering a late-model Mercedes in another country? He watched as Mac's knees suddenly seem to refuse to hold his friend up and Mac reached out to steady himself against the wall; he rushed to his best friend's side, reaching him at the same time as Jack did. He grabbed his friend's forearm and Jack grabbed the other. Bozer was immediately very concerned not only with the fact that Mac was having such a strange and pronounced reaction to the images on screen, but also due to Mac's appearance, his friend was suddenly breathing in small fast shallow bursts, his face pale and sweaty, his eyes filled with angst and pain that had not been there before and that did not make sense over the fate of strangers on a Vid screen half a world away. When Mac shook them off and walked back towards the Vid screen he followed to stand behind him. He was about to ask Mac what the hell was going on? When he looked up at the Vid screen when Mac asked Riley to freeze the frame; this time it was his time to gasp; "Mac!, is that?..."
Mac heard Bozer's unfinished question. He knew his childhood friend recognized the man on the screen too; he would be the only one who would really. The video resumed its playback and he watched again as the men and the car they were in blew up with no hope of anyone surviving the blast. He was in Hell, trapped in a hellish loop where he had to watch one of the worst 5 seconds of his life over and over again. His vision greyed as the sound of the blast on the screen hit his ears, the voices of those around him muffled; the feel of Jack's strong arms holding him up and walking, almost carrying him back to Matty's couch almost surreal.
"M'a….c…. k—i—d—d—o, can you h..ea..r me?" He heard Jack's voice cut through some of the haze in his head. He blinked and looked up to see Jack kneeling in front of him as he laid on the couch, when did that happen? He did not remember lying down, Bozer was standing behind Jack, Riley was sitting on the arm chair beside him and Matty and Cage were both standing by the Vid screen. Mac closed his eyes as he realized the video was looping around still repeating the scene of the men's demise over and over again. "Please make it stop" he whispered at Jack who looked confused for a second before realizing Mac meant the video feed; he looked over at Riley who was already hitting the Enter Key. "OK, it's stopped Mac" Jack said at the young blond who still looked horrified over the images he had seen. Jack placed on hand on Mac's throat frowning when he felt the younger man's pulse which was too fast; "Mac, you want to tell us what the hell just happened?" Jack asked, concern lining his voice, "You're giving me more grey hairs again, and we talked about that bud"
"Jack" Bozer spoke up, he knew he had to. Jack turned to him as well as the others who were probably surprised by the demanding tone in Bozer's voice, "I need you and the others to leave for a few minutes please" he said, authority still in his voice; he turned to Matty who was quietly taking everything in, and mouthed a silent "please" to her. Matty nodded, "OK, everyone out!" she commanded. Jack was about to protest, but he looked a Mac who nodded slightly at Jack when he turned to face the boy, a whispered "please Jack" from the man had Jack nodding back and standing up to leave with the others, not before shooting a warning glance at Bozer; the unspoken "I don't like this one damn bit, but I know you won't do anything to hurt Mac so I'm going to trust you" speech being delivered loudly and clearly to the younger man.
Once everyone was out of the room, Bozer walked over the Matty's desk and frosted the windows, leaving the Team who stood right outside the glass windows looking in, effectively cut off from Mac and him. This conversation needed to be private for now. He walked over the couch where his dearest and oldest friend was now sitting on, having worked himself slowly into a sitting position as the others exited the room. Bozer noticed that Mac's hands were grasping the edges of the couch, probably because the room was spinning for Mac. Bozer walked over to Mac's mini fridge and pulled out a bottle of cold water, then walked over to his friend, twisted the cap off and held it out to him with a "Drink!" command which earned him a raised eyebrow from his friend, not accustomed to Bozer's voice holding such authority, but Mac took the bottle and began to drink.
Mac was so tired, he suddenly only wanted to find a large, dark hole and hide away from the world and sleep for days; maybe when he awoke his reality would be better than it is right this moment. He looked up at Bozer when he heard his friend basically order everyone out of the room, even Jack, who normally needed to be dragged away from him by very large, scary, heavily armed men if Mac was not well; even through the haze of his current ordeal, Mac as proud of his friend's willingness to gain Jack's wrath on his behalf. He rubbed his fingers over his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as he willed his shaky body to follow his commands and allow him to set up on Matty's couch, eliciting a wave of dizziness that made him hold on to the edges of the couch in an effort to stop himself from listing. He watched as Bozer frosted Matty's office windows for privacy and walked over to the fridge to get some water; he almost, almost smiled at his friend when he all but shoved the water into his left hand and commanded him to drink it.
"Mac" Bozer started, looking right at Mac's eyes, sadness in his eyes which were filled with the shared knowledge of what had been played on the Vid screen; a knowledge only he shared with Mac. Bozer placed a hand on his friend's knee, to try and offer both an anchor for his friend and for himself as he continued. Mac turned to face him, eyes breaming with unshed tears; "Yes Bozer" his friend whispered, "that was…um…" the blond's voice broke, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, the hand that held the now half-empty bottle of water shaking enough to have Bozer place his hand on it and remove the bottle from his grasp, putting it down on the table in front of them, "That was…my father" Mac spat out, taking another shaky breath as he did so; almost as if saying out loud made even more true that before, more horrible. Bozer placed his hands on his friend's shoulders and pulled him towards him; using more force against Mac's initial resistance of being pulled into an embrace. "Mac" Bozer whispered at his friend's ear as he enveloped Mac in a massive bear hug, one that to his surprise Mac eventually melted into just as he started to be wracked by uncontrolled sobs, his hands grasping the back of Bozer's shirt in his fists like they were literally the only thing keeping him sane. Bozer said nothing, there was nothing he could possibly say he knew, that would make this nightmare not be so for his best friend, his brother; all he could do is hold him tightly, silently supporting him, allowing him to break down and hit the emotional bottom he was about to hit so that he could help him come back up from it.
Mac said the words out loud, he spoke them slowly and quietly, "that was my father" he finally admitted to his best friend, repeating the words over and over in his head. Bozer's arms were suddenly wrapped around him, pulling him into an embrace that he initially resisted but eventually accepted, he needed the human contact, he needed his friend to tell him everything was going to be OK, he needed an anchor to keep him from floating away into a Sea of sadness, guilt and despair, so he hugged his friend back, tightly, he grabbed on to him like a drowning man would hold on to a life boat in the open water; he held on and he wept.
To be continued…..