I Can't
Disclaimer do not own Naruto (duh)
Summary: Raidou loves Genma, but Genma can't. He can't have a third.
"Genma."
"Hmm?"
"I need to tell you something."
"No, Raidou, don't do this."
"I have to tell you."
"No please, don't."
"How do you what I'm going to say? It could please you."
"I know what you will say. I have gotten the hints, the subtle glances, I have gotten everything."
"Genma, I have to say this…"
"No, please Raidou, please…"
"Genma, I love you."
Raidou's declaration fell flat. There were tears in Genma's eyes; he looked away.
"I told you not to tell me Raidou." He whispered. "I begged you not too."
"Why Genma? I am not blind, I too have seen these subtle glances and hints. What is it?"
"Radiou I can't do this."
"That doesn't answer anything. That's only an evasion."
"Don't make me say it Raidou."
"Say it Genma. Say it. Say it."
There were more tears on Genma's face. They rolled down his chin to silently drip onto his vest, darkening the material with a spreading wetness. Taking in a shuddering breath, Genma spoke.
"I can't handle a third Raidou. I can't."
Radiou blinked at this odd statement.
"A third? What are you talking about?"
"There have already been two. I don't want there to be three."
"I don't understand Genma, don't speak to me in riddles. Stop playing this game."
"The first was Aiko You didn't know her Raidou, it was when I was younger. I loved her so much Raidou. So much. She was everything to me. I thought that life would stop without her. I was wrong. Life doesn't stop. Life honestly doesn't give a shit. One day she came back from a mission. Bleeding, broken, the rest of her teammates dead. She's still in the hospital you know? In the ward for the long term patients. She doesn't recognize her parents. She doesn't recognize her friends. She doesn't recognize me. She doesn't recognize herself. She's lost in her own mind Raidou, lost."
"Genma," Raidou whispered, his hand reaching out to offer his him some small scrap of comfort. Genma pulled away, adding distance between himself and his friend.
"I'm not done yet Raidou. I still have to explain the second. Hayate. You knew Hayate. I was more careful with him. I tried not to give away my whole heart, the way I did with Aiko. Tried to protect myself from the hurt. But I couldn't. I couldn't do it. You can't give away half your heart Raidou. It doesn't work like that. It's all or nothing. Then Hayate died. Cut down by that bastard. Turned into a stinking pile of carrion for the crows to feast on. It hurt so bad Raidou. It hurts. It can't happen again Raidou, I'm not strong enough."
"Genma," Raidou began desperately, "Past pain should not make you forfeit present joy. Life with pain is simply life, Genma. Life with no joy is no life worth living. "
"You don't understand. I just can't do this. Not again." Purposefully, Genma turned his back on Raidou and walked away. His eyes were now dry, but red rimmed. He kept on walking and ignored Raidou's shouts. He just kept on walking.
Genma and Raidou never mentioned that conversation again. They remained friends, but it was different now. Silences that used to be comfortable were now strained, and conversations oddly formal. There was less laughter now.
Genma told himself that it was for the best, that he couldn't be hurt anymore. He told himself this so many times that it sounded hollow even to him. Funny how things that prevent pain also hurt.
But it didn't matter.
"Shit Raidou!" Genma swore. His desperate and frantic curses jumbled together in his fear. His hands trembled violently and uncontrollably.
They had been ambushed. None of the team had expected the five sound nins to find them. They had killed them all, but not without casualties.
"Why do you always have to be the damn hero Raidou? Can't you ever just look after yourself?"
Raidou coughed weakly, crimson blood and spit dripping down his chin. "Oh, Genma, where would be the fun in that?"
"Don't talk you idiot, you'll just make it worse." Not that it could get any worse. Raidou had a deep puncture wound the size of a fist in his chest. With a med-nin, there was a small chance of his survival. But their med-nin was lying twenty feet away with her head another ten feet away. There was no help she could provide. Genma was on his own.
"Genma, I'm going to die."
"Shut up, no you're not."
Genma ran to the med-nin and grabbed her pack. He quickly dosed Raidou with all the adrenaline he could find, and forced two chakra restoratives down Raidou's throat. He rummaged through the pack, pulling out bandages, but found nothing else he knew how to use.
Quickly, Genma fashioned a pad out of the bandages and pressed it hard to Raidou's wound in a futile attempt to stop the horrendous bleeding.
"There's nothing you can do Genma. Just leave it. You have to get away, I'm sure there are other sound-nins near here…"
Genma ignored him completely.
"I'm sorry Raidou, I couldn't find any narcotics, so this is going to hurt…" He removed the pad that was now soaked bright with gore. Taking a deep breath he plunged his hand into Raidou's wound, fingers probing. Raidou screamed and thrashed, but Genma grimly held him down. Genma managed to find five major arteries and pinch them shut with his fingers. His hands were slippery from the blood, and he kept on loosing his grip on the rubbery ends, and the blood kept flowing. Genma realized it was no use and withdrew his hands.
Then suddenly it hit him, Raidou was going to die. His best friend, a man who loved him deeply, and despite his own denials and avoidances, he loved Raidou back.
He was going to lose another. It didn't matter that he supposedly protected him himself. He was losing a third.
"Oh, Raidou, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I love you do you hear me? I love you. I was so stupid, and, and…" Words failed Genma, and so he kissed Raidou. Raidou's eyes flew open in surprise, but soon closed again in happiness. Genma desperately tried to express everything through that one kiss, his love, regret, and sadness. It was open-mouthed, messy and rough. When it was over, Raidou was the first to talk.
"Mmm, Genma, you taste so good. Clear and clean, like green tea you know, and…" But the rest of his words were cut off as another fit of coughing over took him. Dark blood spilled over his lips, staining his skin and vest.
Raidou had tasted like blood. That harsh almost stinging taste of copper filled Genma's mouth. He touched his lips; his fingers came away red.
Genma started sobbing uncontrollably, "Oh god Raidou what do I do? I can't do this, not without you."
"I'll tell you what you'll do," Raidou said fiercely, "You'll live your life. You'll enjoy it. You'll stop doing this protecting yourself thing, got it? Life goes on Genma, you said it yourself, and I don't want you to miss it. "
Genma was almost blinded by his tears, but somehow he managed to perform the fire jutsu and destroy the med-nin's body. When he was done, and got back to Raidou, the man was no longer breathing. Almost hyperventilating in his fear, Genma tried everything, but he couldn't get that chest to rise and fall. He was gone. Dead.
Trembling, Genma tried to perform the necessary seals, but his hands were shaking too much. Leaning back, he smoothed Raidou's hair back, and tried to clean the blood from his face. He couldn't do it. He couldn't reduce his friend to a smoldering, stinking, pile of ashes.
The two nin had manning the gates had caught Genma before he collapsed. He had carried Raidou's corpse all the way back to Kohona. Genma had not let the guards take Raidou, he insisted in carrying the body to the hospital, half dragging it though the streets Kohona. Genma did not care about the looks he was getting, he ignored them completely, and focused on the task of walking and carrying the shell of the man that he loved. He was going to give Raidou this one scrap of dignity. He was going to get a real burial, not hacked apart, with the few remains left to be eaten by animals, nor quickly burned, ashes abandoned.
It wasn't until he dropped Raidou's body off at the hospital that Genma started crying again.
-End-
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