This is the first time I've ever attempted this pairing so the characterisation for them may be a little off. Given character development on the show I've attempted to convey how both characters would really act with one another and have hopefully done them justice.
- . - . - . - . - . - . - .
"I love you." Reid's voice penetrated the silence of the room and though it was a soft sound - almost shy - it didn't detract from the sure undercurrent of his tone.
"We can't do this. It's wrong." The reply came swiftly and with hesitation heavy in each word almost as though trying to convince them both that the comment was true.
"Says who?" He quipped. "Loving somebody isn't wrong. We're not wrong."
Hotch's face took on a pained expression, a rare display of emotion on the older man's face. He didn't normally allow his thoughts to be so transparent but he had come to find over the past several months that it didn't matter much anyway – his subordinate had always been an exceptional profiler and not much escaped his attention. Unfortunately, this included him it seemed and that fact made the older man decidedly uncomfortable.
"Reid." Hotch started but even he knew that had been the wrong thing to say. They both knew he was trying to distance himself from the younger man and the situation itself but his colleague deserved more than that from him. "Spencer. I'm sorry, I really am. When I say it's wrong I don't mean to insult your feelings I just… if you have a relationship with a fellow bureau employee then you're breaking the no fraternisation policy and it's in place for a good reason."
The younger man coughed slightly before looking up at him with a pitying smile, one that Aaron knew would accompany some undoubtedly harsh but deserved words. "Do me a favour, Hotch? Don't come to me anymore in anything other than a professional capacity. It's not fair for you to use me when you want me and then throw rules in my face when you get scared because you have feelings that you don't want or understand. I am more than aware of the no fraternisation policy but you've already overlooked relationships within the team with fellow bureau employees. Garcia and Kevin, Rossi and Strauss and well, given their affair I don't think she'd be able to say much about any relationship you and I choose to have, do you?"
Like every time the genius got frustrated, the Unit Chief watched as he ran a hand roughly through his hair, his facial features tense as he let out a deep breath to calm himself. The younger man's stare was steady on his and Hotch couldn't help the pride that welled up in him for the man he could see before him, for how much more confident, sure and strong he was. There was a massive difference between who his colleague was when he first joined the BAU to the man before him now - it almost made him smile, if they were in a different situation he might have.
As it was he found himself in a position where he felt as though he was at the brink of a pivotal decision but he couldn't help feeling like he was losing anyway. Losing everything, losing Reid right before his eyes. His being called 'Hotch' rather than 'Aaron' was not a good sign. They were in a free fall and he was helpless to pull them back to safety – back to lazy days and walks in the park with Jack and talking nonsense or laughing over nothing. He knew, just like with Haley, he was just going to keep pushing Spencer away hurting and hurting him until there was nothing left of them and he was gone. It was probably for the best though to protect Jack – they better alone anyway. Hotch couldn't turn into his father if he were alone.
"I'm not throwing rules in your face I'm just stating that these policies are in place and they're in place for a reason. You know how dangerous our job is, Spencer. Those relationships are different and you know it. They're not inter-team relationships. They may be strictly speaking against the rules but they're with employees outside the team and only Rossi is out in the field so it's not as dangerous, there's not as much risk attached. And the accusation of me using you is that really what you think of me? I come to you because I need you not because I'm using you." Aaron pinched the bridge of his nose from the unintentional confession. Why was it so hard for him to just admit to what he felt? He was sure of three things: he didn't understand his feelings, they were different though just as strong as what he felt for Haley and he was man enough to admit that it terrified him enough to attempt to sabotage his relationship with a man he greatly admired and respected.
"Don't goddamn patronise me, Aaron!" Calm Dr. Reid had officially left the building. "Don't lie to me either. Feel free to lie to yourself, whatever helps you sleep at night but don't with me – I deserve more than that from you. You can however tell me exactly what it is that you need from me. What is it that you can get from me, Hotch that you can't get from Rossi? You're going to have to go back to disclosing any and all information to him because I'm done with whatever this is. So you can go and tell him about all of our late night phone calls and dinners and trips to-"
"Alright Spencer stop!" Agent Hotchner's voice was stern though not quite his 'Unit Chief' level, it still made his friend taper off immediately though it took great effort for him to do so. "You've made your point. I do talk to Dave but I don't talk to him about you, there's nothing to say. It's nobody's business."
Spencer laughed derisively moving a step closer to his boss. "You really can't say it can you?" The older man could feel his heart rate increase, in fact he thought his heart was going to burst right out of his chest at any given moment but still he couldn't take his eyes off the furious profiler in front of him to check. "You can't indicate in any way that there may even be an 'us'. You've said 'your feelings', 'if you have a relationship', 'I don't talk to him about you'… all your words and one thing they all have in common is that they give no indication that you're even involved." Hotch winced and broke eye contact in guilt. That only made Reid move closer and grab his chin to force eye contact between them once again shocking the older man into maintaining it. "Get a grip, Aaron. If you want to be your father you will be and if you don't you won't it's just that simple. Life's about choices. It is what you make it and you've already proved time and again that you're not him. You. Are. Not. Him. There's only so long you can make excuses for things however so maybe you do need to sit down and talk to Rossi about 'us' regardless of whether you want there to be one or not. In the meantime I'm going home."
The thirty-year-old man brushed straight past him towards the front door of the father's home without his usual smile or farewell. His boss found that it left a bitter taste in his mouth and an uncomfortable feeling in his chest which made him uncharacteristically desperate to keep his subordinate with him or at least make him smile before he left. To give him something, anything, some form of truth.
"I know I'm being a dick." Aaron's voice stopped Reid just as his hand reached the handle of the front door possibly for the last time. "I also know that I have a lot of baggage. The third thing I know for sure is that it wasn't my intention and I don't ever want to hurt you because although it might seem quite… on the contrary… you do mean something to me. A lot actually. So if it's okay with you I'd like to talk to Dave about… us? I do need you, Spencer and I know that it's not easy with me sometimes but what you feel, it's not one-sided so don't give up on me. Please." Silence. Nothing but silence. The waiting, it was worse for him than talking down a very armed, very delusional UnSub. He'd never had to work so hard before to find the right words to convey how he was feeling. He'd never put himself out there with the possibility of being rejected though he knew that with Spencer he would fully deserve it.
His genius turned and looked at him for a long moment as though searching for sincerity in his face to match his words. Aaron allowed him this, kept his usual stoic defence mechanism down for the sake of the reparation of the relationship between himself and the brilliant man in front of him. After, what to Hotchner felt like an eternity, but in reality was likely only a minute or two the brunette finally spoke.
"You're right, you are a dick." Reid's Unit Chief choked back his surprise at the deadpan remark. "But I appreciate your sentiments and finally some honesty. So yes, feel free to discuss whatever you like with Rossi. And thank you, I know how hard that was for you." Spencer then proceeded to open the front door leaving his boss for the night but not before turning back and rewarding the older man with his signature awkward smile. Aaron couldn't help the smile that pulled at his own lips – there was no more pain in his chest and no bitter taste in his mouth. It didn't matter that he hadn't directly told him that he wasn't giving up on him – he could read between the lines. Hotch had his work cut out for him in working his way back into Reid's good books and trust but for now his smile was enough. For now everything was once again right in the world of Aaron Hotchner.