Phantom Dating 101
Tips on Dating from "The Phantom of the Opera"
The First Date.
1. Show up in your underwear. Yeah, it's provocative and forward, but that's the point, isn't it?
2. Smoke and mirrors: not only a saying, and recommended. They're best entranced, boys, trust me.
3. If his mask matches your dress (or underwear, depending on how date savvy you're being)—instant date success! Just lay her on that peacock/clam bed!
4. Be undeniably nutty—it turns guys on.
5. And guys? Chicks dig it when you're violent and unstable.
6. Fainting is fun!
7. Generally masks conceal something… girls, unless you've seen him without it, and it's just being worn to enhance… "the mood"… leave it.
8. What not to do on a first date:
A) Sing like a strangled toad
B) Hang from the rafters by your neck
C) Panic?
The Second Date.
9. Again! With the underwear! But by this time it'll be second nature.
10. Switch topics lightning fast, i.e., go from speaking of your boyfriend's imminent death, to claiming said boyfriend is nonexistent, to professing your undying love for one another, promising un-grant-able, and undesirable, to be frank, wishes—music number style! Top hat time!
11. If you're into a girl, stalking her from behind statues while she's making out with another man is probably not the way to go about it.
12. In your case, most likely, millions of people will not be watching. So stop with the angst-filled drama, 'kay?
13. You. Are. Men. Dress like it. Please? It's a bit hard, and awkward, to find a mate when half the "men" you approach turn out to be rather hairy women.
14. Sword fights are sexy. Blood! BLOOD!
15. If people laugh at you, let them in the bars. They only want a nibble.
16. Lastly, avoid getting your boobs frost bitten. They will fall off, or worst, be amputated. Getting your boobs amputated… I'd recommend just raising your neckline.
17. Mom's not a psychiatrist.
Sincerely,
The Self-Proclaimed Inventor of the Tent of Evil Contemplation.
If you are not completely satisfied with the contents of this dating manual, take the unread portion to: 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington, D.C. and ask for George. He will give you a full refund; trust us, even if you didn't pay a cent. If you are completely satisfied with the contents of this dating manual, you are a sick person and you should send us a refund (even though you paid nothing, assuming you are not a complete imbecile). If you are ecstatic about this dating manual, contact your congressman and ask him to sponsor a dating manual subsidy bill where we get paid by the government to not print any more dating manuals. This makes the one you have (yes, even if it's on the internet for everyone to see) a collector's item and us filthy rich for doing (and selling) nothing. You have to admit it's an idea whose time has come.