Monstrous
an Aaaah! Real Monsters Song Parody
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: Intended as a companion piece to "It's All Relative" with further nods to "Gravity Is A Harsh Mistress" but given the extremely fragile mental and physical state of Ickis, Mr. I'm Combustible And I'm Okay, scenes like this probly play out in his mind on average 3 times a year. And yes, you need to pronounce "monstrous" the long way as mon-stro-us, to imitate the vocal pattern of the song 'Popular' from Broadway's Wicked.
Two young monsters were having a serious heart-to-heart in the Academy. Oblina took a firm grip of Ickis' claws and told him how she had planned out their destiny together.
"Icky, now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new project." Oblina gleefully informed him.
Ickis gulped. "You really don't have to do that." he protested.
"I know. That's what makes me so good!" she declared, as she spun Ickis around.
Ickis groaned. The dorm room seemed even more cramped that he remembered it.
"Whenever I see someone less hideous than I,
And let's face it- who isn't less hideous than I?
My tender heart tends to start to burn
And when someone needs my assistance
I overwhelm all resistance
I know..." she sang loudly.
"I know..." Ickis echoed miserably.
"Exactly what they yearn.
And even when it's you
Though you're hopeless it's true
My point of view
Demonstrates- that no monster shall be spurned
I will in turn
Help you to earn
In...fa...my!" Oblina noted with great enthusiasm.
Ickis tried to get away, but she grabbed him and forced him to listen to the next part of her rousing speech.
"Mon-stro-us! You're gonna be mon-stro-us!
I'll teach you the perfect growl
How to raise a howl
Little ways to spook a crowd, ooh!
I'll show you what humans fear
How to fix your ears
Ev'rything that makes me proud
To be mon-stro-us! I'll help you be mon-stro-us!" Oblina eyed her protege and made a mental note of the remaining work to do.
Ickis, for his part, tried to undo the rubber band she'd secured around his ears. No wonder General Brickis was always yelling if this was what he'd endured under the Army's regiment.
"You'll hang with the brightest cliques
Not those comic geeks
I'm doing this to be kind
So let's start! Cause you've already fallen way behind!" announced Oblina.
She shoved the Monster Manual into Ickis' paws, as well as a statue of the Great Slickis, and a surprisingly accurate replica of the Gromble's Amulet of Enfarg. At least, Ickis hoped it was a replica, he didn't think he could handle the real one ever again.
"Don't be offended by my blunt criticism
That's just my brand of keen insight and witticism
When it comes to causing fright the secret is, um
I can make you great. Lending a paw is fate!
Yes, when it comes to mon-stro-us!
I know about mon-stro-us!
So don't you dare start to fuss
We will not discuss
It doesn't even register, to us
There's nothing that can stop you from becoming mon-stro- er. Us!" Oblina even corrected herself if Ickis wouldn't provide her with sufficient material to lecture him about.
Ickis shook his head in complete disbelief. This girl didn't know the meaning of 'dialing it down'.
"La la la la. We're gonna make you mon-stro-us.
When I see some little bunny
Whose failures aren't all THAT funny
I remind him for his benefit
To think of this Academy's elite
Monster scaremongers, famous athletes
Did they have fangs or red fur?
I'm sure of it! Ha ha!" Oblina laughed, and patted Ickis on the head.
That was even more patronizing than just singing about how much of a loser he currently was!
"They were mon-stro-us! See, it's all about mon-stro-us!
It's not about acing tests
Or the skills possessed
I indeed profess you'll be
very very mon-stro-us, like me. Mm-hmm!
Why Master Ickis, look at you! You're repulsive!" Oblina decided right then and there, and hugged Ickis close to her.
"I, I didn't know..." Ickis stammered, blushing furiously.
"You're welcome!
And though you pretend
We remain just friends
I know what we WILL be...
You're gonna show ferocity
And your newfound monstrosity
La la la la. You'll be mon-stro-us-
Just not quite as mon-stro-us... as me~!" Oblina steadfastly vowed.
Back in the Academy, Oblina was trying to nudge Ickis awake. "Ickis, you need to get up. I want you to realize that I don't approve of you attending class like this. Granted, your grades cannot afford to take a hit, but I worry you are neither emotionally nor physically prepared for the work ahead of you today." she declared.
Ickis rolled over and fell out of bed, yammering in protest. "YOU COME ON TOO STRONG, GLINDA!" he roared.
Oblina sighed. "Icky, you do know that you are -even- crazier when you're in the throes of a fever dream?" she gently cautioned him.
"I don't need to know anything." Ickis snapped as he fumbled for his glasses.
"Good idea. It's always worked for me!" Krumm asserted.
"That's why you're the scarecrow, Fiyero." Ickis acknowledged, then coughed. "It does make a few scenes awkward, but I'm willing to work around canon slightly, for art's sake."
"Don't talk, Ickis. It ruins the illusion of you having enough common sense to function." insisted Oblina.
~~~The End.
Author's Note: Maybe someday Ickis will realize that mixing fandoms is as dangerous as mixing metaphors. But we'll cross that bridge when the cows come home. For now I'll continue to prepare the major Valentine's fic, as well as some other projects. Reviews are encouraged.