Author's note: I have been obsessed with the song, and the idea for this popped into my head faster than I could snap my fingers. I hope you enjoy, please review. xoxo
Reader's discretion is advised: Character death/implication.
What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead
"Honey, I'm home." Brittany called out, entering their New York City penthouse, walking into the kitchen and dropping her handbag on the chair and the paper grocery bags on the counter. It had been a long day, and there was nothing the blonde craved more than her wife's touch and kind words to make her better. "Baby?" she called out again into the seemingly empty apartment.
Got a hole in my soul, growing deeper and deeper
And I can't take one more moment of this silence
Santana's shoes were messily splattered across the living room floor, her jacket hastily spread over the back of their couch. She must have been home, those were her favourite shoes. Looking around, Brittany felt uneasy; something felt wrong.
"Santana?! Are you home?" she called out, worry starting to fill her voice.
The loneliness is haunting me
Reaching for her phone, she dialled her wife's number and called, temporary relief flooding through her body once she heard Santana's cheery ring tone sounding faintly from their upstairs bedroom. With airy steps, Brittany took the stairs two at a time, scurrying to find her spouse.
Hushed profanities filled the air, making Brittany frown. "Tana…?" the blonde's confused voice stammered. Instead of answering, a breathless Santana emerged, her tanned body covered in black lingerie and a slightly oversized shirt that Brittany couldn't remember seeing before.
And the weight of the world is getting harder to hold up
The blonde's brows furrowed in confusion, and even the thought of why her wife was in the state she was right now made it hard to speak. "What's going on?" she managed, her voice slightly cracked.
A bang and a string of quiet fucks and shits was audible from behind their bedroom door. Santana's face flinched and she reached in Brittany's direction. The blonde shook her head and closed her eyes, tears she didn't know were there, falling as an effect.
It comes in waves, I close my eyes
Hold my breath and let it bury me
As soon as Santana's hand grazed Brittany's forearm, her skin burned. She took rapid steps back, her eyes shot open again, wide, like a deer caught in the headlights. It took a moment for her thoughts to catch up with her actions; before she knew what was happening, she was barging through her bedroom door, letting it slam loudly into the wall.
I'm not okay, and it's not alright
The room was empty, and for a second she felt stupid. Maybe Santana was waiting for her, wanting to surprise her after a long day of work. That didn't explain the noise coming from the room when both of them were in the corridor. The walk-in-closet door trembled.
"Get out, you bitch!" Brittany thundered, scaring herself.
Receiving no reaction, the blonde stormed to the doors, pulling them open sharply, revealing a frightened looking brunette girl who cowered in the corner behind a big, woolly jumper. That wasn't going to save her.
"Get the fuck out of my apartment." The taller girl mustered her words, calm. Her anger had turned into utter fury and betrayal, and at this point, her need for yelling was over; gone as soon as it emerged.
Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again?
The girl didn't waste any time grabbing her clothes and shoes, pressing them against her chest and leaving the room without another word or look at Santana. A few seconds later, the front door closed.
Brittany turned, her eyes burning into Santana.
Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down?
"How could you?" she shook her head in disbelief, her hands clutching her chest as if she were in real, physical pain. She was. This hurt more than anything she had ever experienced.
Santana's eyes welled up with tears. She cupped her mouth to stop an agonising wail leaving her lips. "Brittany… baby," she whispered, trying to gather herself and attempted closing in on the blonde once again. "Please. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen… God. I'm so sorry."
She broke down in tears, falling hard on her knees before Brittany and seizing her hips tightly. "Forgive me." She whimpered, hiding her face in the taller woman's abdomen and wrapping her arms tighter around her lean frame.
Save me from myself, don't let me drown
Shaking her head again, Brittany bit down on her lip, closing her eyes. "Leave."
Her words harsher and colder than anything Santana had ever heard before. They were icicles, cutting through to her core, destroying her whole.
Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive?
"Leave this house, Santana. Leave me. I don't ever want to see you again." She managed to say, gripping the Latina's shoulders and shrugging her off, carelessly.
Save me from myself, don't let me drown
Santana's attempts at grabbing Brittany again were futile, the blonde too quick. She stormed off down the corridor, into their bathroom. Her bathroom. Opening the mirror cabinet, Brittany ignored the powerful thumping on the door. Reaching for her muscle relaxants, she popped a few.
It had been a rough day at work; dancing every day of the week usually gave her troubles as it was, and today she had worked a double shift. That was all.
What doesn't destroy you, leaves you broken instead
Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper
Santana was talking. She was saying something through the door, but Brittany couldn't concentrate enough to understand. She didn't want to. Whatever she had to say, it didn't matter; not now, not anymore.
She was the one person most important in Brittany's life. She was Brittany's life. Everything she ever did revolved around her, every decision, every thought, and every action. It was all about her; for Santana, too. Brittany always thought that their feelings were mutual, but she was mistaken. Apparently for Santana, everything revolved around her, too. She only thought of herself.
A few more bangs on the door, then silence. Brittany didn't know if she was still there, or if she had given up and left. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore.
And I can't take one more moment of this silence
Reaching for the faucet, Brittany turned on the hot water, stripping. She took her clothes off carefully, one by one, folding them as she went. A small pile of neatly folded clothes now laid on the toilet seat. The bath was still nearly empty, but it didn't stop Brittany from stepping inside. Stretching her legs, she laid back against the tub, waiting for the water to cover her body.
The loneliness is haunting me
Inch by inch, water consumed her. Brittany brushed out her hair with wet hands, dampening it, then proceeded to splash water on her face. Her eyes burned slightly from the bath salts and her vision blurred. Bang. Bang, bang. "Brittany!"
Silence.
"Britt, open the door! Please, I'm so sorry. Just open the door, we'll work this out, baby. We'll get through this. I love you. I love you so much, Britt. Please, open the door and talk to me."
And the weight of the world is getting harder to hold up
The blonde closed her eyes, leaning her head back. "Go away." Her voice was just loud enough to be heard on the other side of the door.
Her index finger twitched. Brittany frowned, raising her arm to inspect it closer. Her frown deepened when her arm wouldn't cooperate. It was still laying limply by her side in the bath tub.
It comes in waves, I close my eyes
Hold my breath and let it bury me
Looking over to her side, Brittany tried to figure out just how many of those tablets she had taken. They'd never had an effect as strong as this before, and she didn't see any other explanation. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.
She closed her eyes, giving up, much as Santana had. The banging on the door had stopped. Or had it? Brittany wasn't sure anymore. Sliding down, the blonde submerged her head beneath the water, closing her eyes tighter.
I'm not okay, and it's not alright
Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again?
Water entered through her nose, burning her oesophagus and tightening her throat. Coughing, she tried getting rid of the water, but she didn't have enough strength to sit up, causing her to choke more as her face remained beneath the surface of the water. She opened her eyes, and suddenly, everything seemed calmer. The burning in her nose and throat subsided, and she felt peaceful.
Bang, bang. It was louder this time; even underneath the water, it sounded like Santana was about to break the door down. "Britt! Goddamit, open the fucking door."
Smiling faintly, she closed her eyes once more. Maybe she cared after all.
Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down?
Save me from myself, don't let me drown
Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive?
Save me from myself, don't let me drown
'Cause you know that I can't do this on my own. Who will fix me now?
Who will fix me now?
Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down?
Save me from myself, don't let me drown.