AN: this kind of just snuck up on me, so I let the muse tug me along. I haven't looked at it long enough so I'm sure there are errors I'll be slowly correcting that I missed. Also this site doesn't allow me to format this the way it was intended so feel free to check it out at my lj (canarygold)
She closes her eyes (as per his instruction)
"Well?"
"This is a stupid idea Humphrey… if the point of this trip is to cheer me up I daresay you should be doing all the heavy lifting."
"You're notoriously picky Blair, just at least give me an impulsive mental image to work with." She doesn't like it when he frowns.
Dan gets up roughly from her bed, and walks over to the window taking a moment to stare out so she does as he asks, grudgingly. She can hear him turn around but he keeps silent and for a moment she almost opens her eyes – feeling exposed under his gaze when she can't glare back. She thinks imagines and sees…
"Water."
"Lake or Ocean?" Her eyes fly open angrily to see him grinning back at her.
"Just kidding – don't worry I'll handle the rest and call Nate and Serena and see when they can meet us and where."
I'm just calling you first… before it goes public. Better than finding out via whatever your homepage is. I'm coming back.
Wha-
The wedding is off.
To her pleasant surprise and perhaps abject humiliation most of her friends and family don't really ask her what happened. Everyone thinks they know, didn't think she'd go through with it.
It was too fast.
Too good to be true.
Too soon after Chuck.
A fairytale.
They're all so right and yet still wrong.
It was week 3 since she'd been back.
Nate and Dan have taken turns visiting her, their visits take on very different tones. Something she would never admit to Nate and something she's sure she doesn't have to admit to Dan. They are never there at the same time until one day Serena calls her in her no-nonsense tone.
"B – We need to talk."
Thankful when the knock sounds on her door she starts to try and rush off the phone, she knows what's coming. Serena no doubt has been keeping tabs on her, knows she's been holed up in her room; numb and silent.
"S – Maybe another time, someone is here… I should…"
The door opens and Nate and Dan are standing there, Nate looks firm, Dan sheepish. She is not in the mood for this.
2 days later, they present her with the solution. A fucking road trip… because she needs to…
"Step outside your usual." Nate.
"See more of America." Serena.
"Find some new places to judge in hopes it distracts you long enough from your real problems." Wordy and long winded.
So that's what's going on now. Humphrey is planning the destination, and since Serena is on the other side of the country and Nate has 'things to put in order' they're not coming on the first leg. Feeling particularly bitter she makes a comment that this must be his dream come true, finally a reason to trap her alone in an enclosed space.
He's quick but calm with his reply, "If I'm longing to trap anyone anywhere it's Prue."
Her fog of depression must have caused her to forget the girl that he and Nate have mentioned 2 times each, Prudence, his new girlfriend that he met at a conference for something NYU sent him on. What? Like she really had that much attention to spare when she was busy mourning the loss of her dream wedding. It's a wonder she even remembered the girl's name. Humphrey smiles when he thinks she isn't looking and he's once received a call from 'Prue' and left her trying not to admit she felt anything as he took the call in another room. Serena's response when she casually let the other girl's name slip into conversation was brief and strained.
"Well he certainly has a type." Blair pictures someone with light features and tells herself surely it's because he's trying to forget her. Right?
Do you want to talk about it?
No… is that my paper?
Mmm yah… but if you don't want to talk about it… then you don't want to read this.
Give it.
(He sighs and hands it over and she plays for nonchalant, places it on the coffee table for later reading. After he leaves and she rushes for it, she smiles sadly when she realizes he has left with page six.)
The highway isn't something she's really seen much of; she'd die before she admitted it out loud but looking at the rows of husks now makes her…
"I don't know why but whenever I drive by corn fields I feel relaxed." She turns her face to look at him shocked.
"What?" he squirms.
"I… I just… can't get over the fact that you actually look natural driving a Mercedes." He looks doubtful but she slides her shoes off instead and surprises him by following advice he had previously given her and puts her feet out the window.
"This does feel nice." She says quietly and smiles to herself when his hand squeezes her forearm, his thumb grazing briefly.
(It's strange having Serena's voice on the speakerphone and Dan in the flesh, even stranger to not be allowed to take part in packing her own bag. She's been packing for herself since she was 6 – well choosing what is packed anyway.)
You should see what she has in here…
Dresses and heels?
A couple pencil skirts too.
Blaaaiiir.
I see no problem with being a lady.
Waldorf you requested water, are we going to walk to the edge of the ocean in Michael Kors and Prada?
(A blank stare, she doesn't understand the question.)
Ok wow, Serena - please tell her to let me handle this – speaking as the only person involved with actual road trip experience.
Nate did the Europe thing.
Not the same.
… Fine Blair just let him help you.
I don't see why I even need help; we're going to be spending most of our time in a car from what I understand.
Yes and are you going to wear stilettos the whole time?
Tell me road trip GOD, what will we do that I can't?
Well what if you want to hang your legs out the window?
Oh my GOD! I'm not doing this anymore; you have got to be kidding me!
It actually feels really nice B.
He won't even tell me what the itinerary is!
Defeats the point of it all being a surprise. Hey you wanted me to do heavy lifting.
Lifting – what are you two going to be doing?
Don't worry about it S – you win. You both do, I'm going to put in a movie.
…
…
I'm going to buy beach slippers and sneak them in there.
Take a picture of her face when she first sees them – please.
The sun is starting to set and they're still driving, "I thought these things had more stops on them?"
She shoves her sunglasses into their case and then into the glove looking him over, he looks tired, "They do… in fact if you were anyone else we'd have been at our first hotel by now,"
"What's that supposed to mean."
"It means that that TRUE road trip experience involves nights at the holiday inn, usually one that has its own mini golf set up in the front – aaaaand that face is why I'm driving us to a Fairmount."
"What have you three gotten me into?" He doesn't offer her more than a smile.
(She scrolls through her phone looking at the latest blast, she's been back for 4 hours, and came in the back entrance of her building to avoid being spotted. But she knows… sooner or later. It will be out there, they will find out. The press release is tomorrow and she sent her mother an email to prepare her but otherwise she's been bracing. Nate sneaks in the service entrance and makes her tea and they sit in silence, he doesn't know that Dan was here waiting for her when she got back.)
Don't worry Blair, it'll blow over fast. I think mostly everyone thought you might get cold feet, at least half of them.
(She looks at him and bites her tongue.) Really?
Yeah! (He says it like he's pacifying not insulting her – and to him he really is) It was a big responsibility; to go into that world… it would overwhelm the best of us.
(Oh Nate.)
Humphrey is becoming more and more of a hipster every day, it's painful, and he's in complete denial about it. A fisheye lens stuck on a Nikon something or other sits on his side of the table, he insists that one day she'll look back on this trip as a turning point and thank him for documenting it.
"You can document the food poisoning I'm sure to get from eating here." She scowls at the menu.
"You can starve yourself if you want but I really need to eat." He says it without any bite knowing full well that she'll order something… probably the cob salad.
They will be meeting with Serena and Nate in 4 days, and are currently on their way to some pointless kitschy tourist attraction she's sure. And fine, the trip hasn't been extravagant and she didn't appreciate Humphrey sneaking slippers in her suitcase and taking a photo of her when she stormed through their adjoining door to yell at him… but… She's feeling better each day. He's been distracted since they sat down, texting incessantly and she's decidedly not jealous.
It's just rude is all… It's different when Nate or Serena contacts him – it's to do with their trip.
But his chuckles and eye rolls tell her he's talking to Prue.
The waitress comes and she rudely rushes out her order after claiming them both ready and smiles adding, "We've been here for a while so…"
Dan only arches one brow and leans back, without putting the phone down, "A house burger and fries, why mess with the classics?"
They eat in silence and she ignores him and the phone and everyone in the damn diner and does so for another hour until they're pulling off an exit.
"What now Humphrey? A ball of yarn? Chicken playing tic-tac-toe?"
Dan barks a short laugh in response while checking the rearview mirror briefly but doesn't respond. A few minutes later they seem to have pulled up to some sort of farm – this is not happening, she looks at her feet and is silently happy that he packed her slip-on loafers. God she hopes he's not going to make her walk through rows of corn, they're nice to drive by and all but keywords are "drive" and "by".
"Horses!" she exclaims before schooling her face calm as quickly as possible but it's too late, he's all smug.
She doesn't know how Dan Humphrey would have noticed due to his late arrival in her life.
She does ride though.
Doesn't think about Louis once. (Maybe once)
And… well... she does end up running into the rows of corn, breathless and happy.
He follows, camera in tow.
Mother Nature, in the end is the biggest bitch of them all.
The jazz festival he took them to definitely isn't going any further when a bout of unseasonable hail-slash-rain combo begins to fall from the sky so, they go back to their hotel early and wet. She tells him she was supposed to Skype with Serena and he confesses he was thinking of calling Nate so they decide, the modern generation that they are, to do it all at once. He calls Nate and puts him on speaker phone, and he comes into her room trying not to grin when he notices they're both in their complimentary bathrobes. He lays on his back, and she stays on her stomach and places his phone on her laptop while they wait for a (constantly) late Serena to make an appearance. She and Nate are in the middle of a heated debate over cricket while Dan only grouses disbelieving that he is even near this conversation when she hears Serena's suspicious throat clearing. Dan mutters a 'finally' which prompts her to lean to his phone though she doesn't need to and cuts Nate off letting him know that 'S finally decided to show up'
"Natie, did these two tell you they're in matching bathrobes?"
"Troublemaker." Is all Dan groans from next to her.
Nate manages a rare moment of decorum (after a hearty laugh) "They mentioned that the jazz festival they were at got rained out…"
Blair is the only one that sees Serena's disbelieving eyebrows reach for her golden hairline. It unnerves and irks her all at once. When Dan's battery starts to die he gets up to charge it and Nate offers to go online so they can do a conference of sorts. While he's out of the room she tells Serena about the horses at the stables for a few seconds she's really happy telling the tale until she catches sight of her friend's expression.
"What is it?" she huffs out.
"Have you heard from Louis?" Blair squints suspiciously sure that this isn't actually what Serena wants to talk about… but being direct was never something she opted for.
"No… not outside a cordial email inquiring about my return."
"I just wanted to tell you again, I'm sorry B, and I don't blame you for leaving… especially with what it was you could stand to lose."
The last bit of the sentence sends alarm bells off in her head and she bristles and is about to slam the laptop shut (and yell 'you don't know anything!') when Humphrey strolls in with his own computer.
You can't do this forever you know. Sooner or later you're going to have to pick yourself up and face it all.
Please save your lectures Humphrey, it's not a flattering role for you. (A pregnant pause as he opens the DVD player.)
I won't let you face it alone, you know that right?
Don't you ever get tired of saving people Daniel?
Hmmm…
Serena's small screen goes black and she closes Skype, on edge while stupid Humphrey, blissfully unaware, yawns and closes his.
"Sorry again about the weather."
"Stop apologizing for things you have no control over Humphrey."
"Mmm… right. Hey. Are you… feeling any better Blair?" she turns startled when she realizes just how close to her he is.
"I… I'm getting there."
He yawns again, and then moves his hand to grab one of the ends of her hair, the curl's tightness long gone. He wraps it around his finger deep in thought, or seemingly so.
"He'll get over it." He looks her in her face then, and his eyes have this weight in them, a weight of knowledge, different than that of any one else.
Hello?
Hello.
Serena?
Blair.
Sorry I guess I dialed wrong…
So then you weren't trying to call Dan at 3 in the morning?
I should say not… anyway if I was I wouldn't be expecting to get you instead.
He left his phone in my purse, which is probably just as well, he got pretty drunk tonight and the way I see it he might have ended up calling you.
Wouldn't want that.
No … especially since you're promised to someone else. Not to mention the one-sided feelings he seems to have.
…
Who were you trying to call?
Oh… um Dorota.
Blair…
I'm lonely, this is stressful, I'm out of depth – there are you happy?
…oh… I … I'm sorry…
Whatever.
"I'm going to watch a movie in my room, you look like something's on your mind, open invitation to join stands of course."
She hops up and starts pacing the second he closes the adjoining door, she's positively manic. How is it after all these years Serena can still push the fuck out of her buttons the way she does? She tries instead to focus on her friend's positive traits and that helps somewhat. Still fidgety she falls back and thinks… really starts turning things over in her mind. Trying to figure out where she messed up, where things started to fall out of place. She tries not to hear her mother's resigned yet unsurprised comment about saving her dress for 'next time', tries not to get bitter at Louis (he really doesn't deserve that). Tries not to take to heart all the claims strangers and friends alike make about how they 'knew' her, when the truth is so obvious they didn't
And somehow without her being aware she has found her way into Humphrey's room standing there staring at the floor while he looks at her forgetting to pause Limitless.
"I WAS going to marry him." She folds her arms and he scowls.
"I know that."
A few seconds pass and then she closes the space between them and pushes him back pressing her mouth sideways over his. He kisses back on pure instinct before moments later leaning her up his face unreadable but stony.
"No Blair, not… like this… not now I …"
"Oh right. Prudence." She says the other girl's name like an oath before stepping back ashamed.
"This isn't about her… this is about where you need to be and what you need to say - before… shit… I've got to be ready too alright?"
She stares him down mulling over his words, trying not to linger on his now pink lips. "Fine, whatever – good night."
And salvaging what little pride she has left, she breezes out his room to figure him the fuck out.
Or at least try to.
Have you spoken to her?
Once on the phone, I just like to see Dan's underpants in a knot, he looked like he was going to pop a blood vessel.
We are not watching South Park
Fiiiine. Have you?
What?
Spoken to her? Dan hasn't really invited her out here, and has only gone to see her twice. Never really lets anyone talk to her… but since you two are friends or whatever now and I know how pushy you can be…
Oh no… I haven't
She's fun, they kind of make sense.
(her heart squeezes.)
Tomorrow evening they will be meeting Serena and Nate, and then the first big stop for all four of them is The Grand Canyon. An experience in false advertising she assumes, it doesn't look so grand in pictures. But right now she and Humphrey are at the small chalet type resort overlooking Laguna, it's not bad which is what she texts to Nate and Serena who want to know what they're coming to the following day. Dan has been down on the ground floor pacing and talking on his phone his face contorted into a frown his voice raising the words never reach her due to wind. It's dark out by the water and she has been fighting all night the urge that she feels in her gut to go and get lost in it.
As if reading her mind (an annoying gift of his) he appears 10 minutes later when she's managed to nod off on the balcony.
"Blair… it's time." He doesn't say anything else, and she looks at her phone, 8 hours until Serena and Nate are here…
"I guess you're right."
He extends his hand and she takes it and lets him lead her into the darkness.
He grabs a bottle of wine out of the fridge before they head out, no cups, they share. The wind is stronger near the shore and she sits but he remains standing just staring out into the ocean. She knows he's waiting on her (and has been for so much longer than just this trip) but she doesn't know how to start.
"What was wrong earlier? You and your girlfriend were fighting…" She reaches for a twig and starts drawing a spiral in the sand.
He sighs, long and exasperated, "She's not my girlfriend."
-snap-
"Excuse me? But… Serena and Nate said."
"No they assumed… I didn't correct them."
"But… why? Why would you make up a fake girlfriend?"
"I didn't make Prue up, she's real." He hands her his phone then and there's a picture of him (drunk) and a brunette with dark waves spilling down her back as she kisses his cheek.
(well he certainly has a type.)
"But… why would you go along with…"
"Because with Prue in the picture… everyone left me alone about you." He glances nervously at her then back out to the water.
She tugs his hand which causes him to sit and take what's left of her snapped twig and start his own doodles. She tries not to read anything into the little squiggles that seem an awful lot like the letter S. He's waiting again.
"I didn't get cold feet."
"That much I know." She wants to tell him he's the only one who did.
(She's stubborn and despises admitting to making any sort of mistake, so she was going to make this work. Against any and all odds. Or that's what the plan was.)
Blair (he says from the other side of the long table.)
Yes Darling?
I think this has gone on long enough.
What's that?
I can't marry you, though I so dearly want to, when you are in love with someone else.
Louis, I've told you – Chuck Bass means nothing to me.
I know.
(She's confused, mind working quickly to solve the riddle and keep things perfect. He unfortunately makes his way down to her end of the table while she bites her lip in concentration… what does he mean? That's when he slides a copy of The New Yorker in front her; open to a short story that she has already memorized in 4 days.)
If this girl is who I think she is, then this boy need not worry because it's pretty clear - to me at least - that she does in fact love him.
No (stubbornly gritted out)
Yes Cherie. We cannot do this.
"It was your story."
"But you were going to marry him."
"Yes."
"They don't intersect Blair; you can't even tell me you came back for me… sounds like you were sent."
"I was left to make a choice… I was… released."
"A choice that has left you Howard Hughesing it for a month now. Glad I could be so inspiring."
"I can't tell you exactly what you want to hear Humphrey… I'm still trying to adjust to the fact that coming back to Manhattan meant admitting I was in lov-" She stops short the word getting caught in her throat.
"Blair, you keep painting me to be something you have to grudgingly accept, or lower yourself to… I'm sorry but…"
"You're wrong…"
"Oh really."
"I don't feel like I have to lower myself to you… I'm afraid I'm not good enough."
That's it - it's all out in the open.
"You're not you know." He says softly and she feels like she could just die, "You're not good enough, you're better."
She looks at him surprise changing the tone of her unshed tears leaning her cheek into his waiting hand, "You're better and then some."
"Oh." A stupid and inadequate response.
"Blair… you have to stop thinking the real you is going to be rejected by anyone you show it to."
"I'm flawed, Humphrey, a mess." She takes an entirely unladylike swig from the bottle.
"Yah well… that's the test of real love Waldorf, finding someone who loves you in spite of that."
She wipes her eyes, and looks at him long and silent and then she says, "I'm going to kiss you now."
"I'll act surprised." He winks back.
Three seconds in and she's aware of it all – gulls screeching, the waves crashing slowly but loudly, the wind as it rustles the hem of her skirt and Dan.
Dan.
His lips, the way he sighs when he pulls away and kisses her jaw, then neck then back to her mouth and how he takes her elbow and pulls her towards him at an odd angle. They remain sitting, the sand making their movements feel like slurred words but he somehow manages to pull her astride his lap. He whispers her name against her lips and the squiggles in the sand definitely don't matter anymore. She taps her fingers along his shoulders while he nuzzles behind her ear and there's something buzzing in her chest, maybe it's the wine, maybe it's the moment… Maybe this is what freedom feels like.
When they stand at the Grand Canyon they yell, Serena makes them all throw wishes on paper down into its depths and then
"We should do something like this every year." Nate.
"I like that idea, and this… it's new – feels right." Serena.
"It feels scary." Blair.
"Living Free is always scary… but worth it." Dan.
She sees Serena smile, wide, warm and genuine when Dan releases her lips and feel's Nate's hand squeeze her own.