Listen, okay, I could tell ya the story just like it happened and it would be informative, ya'd know all the big plot points and the way the fuckin' sunlight dappled Rey's hair and shit, but would ya really know what it was like to be there? No. Ya can't know. 'Cause I wasn't there. But this tiny fuckin' bug was. She saw EVERYTHIN'. And boy, does she have a story to tell. So I'm gonna let her tell it. Where is she? Thaleem? Where are ya? It's time to tell the story of Rey and Kylo and ho—CRUNCH—oh SHIT. Shit shit shit. Fuck. Dammit. I knew this was gonna happen. I told her we should just Skype it. God dammit. *rubs temples realllll fuckin' hard* WELL! I guess I'm gonna have to try to remember everythin' she told me. The paper runs at 6! Can't stop the press! Fuck. She was such a nice little bug.
Ok so we start on the planet Mugdorf. I've been there before and let me tell YA it is a shithole. Nobody goes there for fun. I drew the short straw at work and got sent to do a story on how the last of the Ergbines are dyin' and let me tell ya, it was fuckin' depressin'. These beins have lived there for a millennia and there are only 25 of them left. Really a downer of a story. My boss loved it though. Made her cry.
Anyway, so on this dumpster heap of a planet, which is basically one giant, farty swamp by the way, there was this chick Rey. Rey's this spunky orphan—well she doesn't call herself that but like, GIRL, your parents are NOT comin' back, okay? Anyway, she had opened her own toenail salon and honestly, girl was makin' fat stacks. She wasn't no Yile King or nothin', but she knew how to do her books, how to advertise, how to bring the customers back, ya know what I'm sayin'? Really inspirin'.
So there she was livin' her best life when one day some Imperial Guards or whatever come knockin' at her door. Only it's Frangsday, and she was always closed on Frangsday, on accounta she had some kinda ritual goin' on down by her favorite swamp or sumpin'. That's what the locals said at least. They kinda left her to her own, ya know? And so she don't answer the door, on accounta she ain't there. But the owner of the Grunger Jerky shop next door notices these bastards in white, and so he sends his son down to the swamp to warn this chick. When the son comes back, he's cryin'. His father asks him, "Why ya cryin' kid?" and apparently when the little pipsqueak told Rey the news that the lunkheads were lookin' for her, she VANISHED INTA THIN AIR RIGHT THEN AND THERE! The father's eyes went all wide and shit and he hurried his son into his shop. He told his son in whispers to never tell anyone what he had seen.
When the Imperial Guards realized Rey wasn't comin' back, they went around to every damn building in town. When they got to the jerky shop, the little kid put his hands in his pockets because they were shakin' so bad, and stared at the floor as they questioned his father. His dad remained all stoic and firm lipped and they didn't even think to question the little pipsqueak. They finally left, havin' learned nothin', and soon after their ship launched up into the sky and as far away from that swamp-ass planet as it could get.
Ok, so where the hell did this chick go? Well. There are about a bazillion planets in this whole clusterfuck of a galaxy/universe/whatever, so she could have gone anywhere. Seriously. There were so many nice, lush planets she could have chosen from. Ones with lakes and rivers and binta grass as far as the eye could see. One with tiny yeglomites roaming everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE. Christ, even the planet that was basically Connecticut ALL OVER would have been better than where she chose. But the heart is a fickle creature, my friend.
Ok so I don't believe in horoscopes or fortune tellin' or any of that shit. None of my wishes I threw in the Well of Abso-Fuckin'-Lutely Your Wish Will Come True ever materialized into reality. I think it's all a big bunch of baloney. But this, my friend, well, this is truly A Thing. I'd never admit to being a believer or nothin', but this might be as close as I'll ever get.
Now Rey had never even been NEAR the planet Yaeaou. The planets surrounding it are pretty much uninhabitable. Big ol' ice chunks, most of 'em, except for that one that's covered in pink mucus and just…reeks! No idea what that smell is. Anyway, Rey had actually never HEARD of the planet Yaeaou until about a year before she disapparated off that wretched circle of bilge, Mugdorf. And she never, ever woulda, if it weren't for Lady Wienta and her goddamn cards.
Lady Wienta was the local clairvoyant. And also the tax collector. Times were tough. Anyway, she told the townsfolk's fortunes for a small fee, and everyone believed in her even though, as far as I know, not a goddamn thing she ever predicted came true. I think people were too scared to call her on her bullshit because she was the tax collector too. Fear drives the hearts of many.
Now the only person who had never had her fortune told in that town was Rey. She had a mistrust of anything spiritual, said it hit too close to home, said it would give her nightmares or sumpin'. Maybe it had sumpin' to do with her parents, I don't know. But what I do know is that on one particularly hot summer night, Rey was at the local bar, and She Was Drunk. Like fifteen sheets to the wind drunk. She was higher than a horse. She was singin' on top of the tables, even though Harby the bartender was hollerin' at her to "Git the fook dawn, ya wee shite!" She laughed right in his face and then miscalculated her steppin' and fell right down on the dirty floor and Passed Out. Harby shook his head and looked up at his statue of this woman he called Mary, she was in some blue robes and had some tiny dude in her arms. Nobody could figure it out but he was so protective of it everyone just let him have his dumb statue. Anyway, as he was blatherin' on to it like an auctioneer, Lady Wienta came shufflin' by and ordered one of the men to pick Rey up and carry her to her fortune tellin' shop. A man named Jundle hoisted Rey over his shoulder and followed Lady Wienta to her shop, put her on one of the couches and then he skedaddled. I don't know how long Rey was all unconscious or whatever, but I know that when she woke up, Lady Wienta gave her a hot mug of firewurt and then proceeded to tell Rey her fortune. Now, according to Lady Wienta, Rey didn't protest or nothin'. Maybe it was all the drinkin' still in her, or maybe it was the firewurt, but that night she let that lady tell her her goddamn fortune, and that night Rey's life was forever altered, although she didn't realize it quite yet. Her future was etched on a stone still hidden from her. Or some shit. That's what Thaleem said. Damn. What a bug.
Anyway blah de blah blah so like from then on Rey had some kinda different look in her eyes. Wistful, some called it. "It's like her mind is on another planet, far away," one of the locals said. Lady Wienta refused to tell anyone the fortune she'd drawn for Rey. Confidentiality and all that. Gossip still sprang up, one dumbass theory after next. The most ridiculous one going around was that she was gonna turn her Toenail Salon into a Fingernail Salon. I mean come on, people. Make it realistic for christ's sake!
Anyway, Rey didn't let the rumors bother her. In fact I think she barely heard them. And nobody but her and Lady Wienta knew the truth. They'd both seen with their own eyes, the map of Rey's heart, leading her to a man who was tall, muscular, shoulder length hair, and a bright red scar on the left side of his face. On this planet she'd never heard of. And oh also he was kinda evil, but, ya know, she'd cross that bridge when she got to it.
It was a little puzzlin' that Rey believed Lady Wienta when she seemed like her biggest (silent) critic. But who knows what else she told her in that shop that night? Who knows what stirred inside of Rey that had been asleep for a lamb's age? People can change. Trust me, I've seen it. Some people sure can change. And some can't. That's just the way it is.