X-Files and Californication cross-over
Disclaimer: I no own, so you no sue!
Rating: M- Mature scenes, language, and some dirty humor.
Summary: Mulder has stumbled across having a closely-related cousin in California that he has never even heard about. What happens when the two finally meet, and Scully gets dragged into the middle? Humor, Chaos, and Romance all in one! MSR
Note: If you can understand this, this is how it is. In the X-Files world this story takes place around season 6ish. In the Californication world, this story takes place roughly before the last episode happens. The way Hank and characters/Mulder and Scully in the show(s) are portrayed, are the way they will be portrayed in my story. I would like to keep the characters true to their form, as if you were watching the show(s). There will be alot of swearing, and there will be some mature scenes, if you feel offended by this, then don't read. I put this in here, so that way I won't get flamed at. Thank you, and start reading if you wish!
This is Life
Chapter 1
Fox Mulder is one hell of a complicated man. Imagine his surprise when he finds out that he has a cousin that is rumored to look almost like him, causing hell on the other side of the country. Now isn't that ironic? Two look-a-like men causing hell and chaos on both sides of the country, whether it be womanizing, or looking for UFOs. God must have a wicked sense of humor.
"Scully, you won't believe this." Mulder piped up in the dimly lit basement of his office.
"What is it this time Mulder? UFO's lighting up the sky in Kansas? Mysterious alien corpses plaguing the fields of Montanna? Something that's going to drag our asses half-way across the country?" Scully asked, absolutely loathing the possible new assignment.
"Well, you're a third right, it does involve crossing the country, but into the lovely depths of sunny California."
"And what might that be?"
"I have just found out that I have a relative, first cousin to be exact, that I never knew existed."
"And what exactly is so appealing about him that we have to jet across country for?" Scully dreaded the answer.
"Well, for one I have never met him, but from what I hear, he resembles me, in the ways of good looks, charming personality, and witty sense of humor." Mulder leered.
"You have got to be kidding me!" Scully replied, almost shocked at Mulder's reply.
"And what is so shocking about that?" Mulder put his hand against his heart, as if almost offended.
"I can't believe that there are two Mulders running around on opposite sides of the country." Scully breathed out.
"That's why I have my poster Scully, 'I Want To Believe.' And baby, I am believing..." Mulder trailed off.
"And I want to believe that if you call me baby one more time then you wont live to see your true self in California."
"Aww Scully, you always take the fun out of everything. Hmm, you remind of that song 'Hit Me Baby One More Time,' by whats-her-name?" Mulder chided.
"I'm going to hit you where the sun don't shine if you compare me to that washed up diva Britney Spears one more time."
"You know I am only messing with that pretty little head of yours Scully."
Scully felt a blush creeping up on her cheeks at the unknown compliment Mulder had bestowed upon her.
'Could all this flirting mean that he may actually like me more that the show that he puts off here at the basement office everyday?'
Scully was very unaware of her own feelings just as she was of Mulder's feelings towards her.
Mulder put on a show for his own good. He wanted to protect himself from hurt that he could possibly receive if he did anything other than pretend that all he wants to do is shamelessly flirt, and quickly draw back into his shell before Scully absolutely knew the truth about him first hand. Mulder was absolutely scared shitless if he lost Scully. Who knew how he would continue on his crusade if she had found out the depths of his soul contained a raw, passionate love for her and her alone? Yes his sister was important to him, and would always would be, but this didn't compare to the feelings he had hidden in his heart. He had to do everything in his power to keep from letting his true colors out. The littlest things that she does to him though, could keep him occupied in his desires for a lifetime.
"Mulder, are you ok? You got quiet." Scully worried.
"I am fine Scully, just lost in thought for a moment."
"So who is this cousin that we are supposed to be meeting?"
"Well, to start off his name is Hank Moody..."
"Wow, just listening to you tell me his name, it's already kind of sexy."
'I did not just say that out loud.' Scully worried as to what her partner must think of her now.
"Well Scully, if he's anything like my sources say he is, that he looks like me, then he must be some kinda sexy."
'Mulder did not just refer to himself as sexy, even though he really hits the nail on the head with that one. Oh what the hell am I saying? Mulder...sexy? Not a bad thought, what with that scruffy, just-got-out-of-bed hair, that looks so soft and inviting to run my hands through, and that chest! He must work out!
Get a grip Scully! Is it getting hot in here of is it just him? I mean me, I mean...what the hell am I saying? God, if you are up there, and still listen to half the things I say, please help me with the wonderings of my mind!'
"Hello? Scully? Anyone home in there?" Mulder asked as he waved his hand across her face.
Scully snapped out of it and gave a curt reply, "Yes, I am here, just trying to figure out what this man may look like exactly."
"Well, let me finish the details and you might get a clearer picture to drool over, I mean, come on, you have me to look at all day, isn't that enough?"
"Scully's cheeks burned hot as she listened to Mulder ramble on about his cousin, the oh-so-mysterious Hank Moody.
"He's a few years older than me, a little rougher around the edges, his hair a bit longer than mine. Has a New York attitude and dresses like one. But most importantly, unlike me being an FBI Agent, he's a writer, and he just published a book entitled, God Hates Us All, that was recently made into a movie, which you'll never believe what it is."
"Humor me Mulder."
"A Crazy Little Thing Called Love."
"That Tom and Katie movie? That's his movie?"
"Apparently so, but he hates Hollywood for it, because it nothing like the book he wrote." Mulder laughed silently to himself, "And I thought my life was bad."
"Sometimes Mulder, I wonder about you."
"Im sure you do." Mulder implied.
"Now how can you know all this about him but never have seen him?" Scully asked, changing the subject.
"He sent me a picture of himself, and we talked on the phone a couple of times."
"So why wait until now to tell me?" Scully was getting slightly irritated at Mulder for leaving her out of the loop again.
"I only found out about him last week. It slipped my mind until after he sent me an email today."
"Well, still Mulder. I am your partner, you should let me know these things when they happen."
"Alright," Mulder replied sheepishly.
"So when are you going to meet him?"
"WE, are going to meet him in two days. I asked him if I could meet up with him in California, and he said he didnt care, he thought it to be intresting to have a cousin in some sort of law enforcement, but he made me promise something..." Mulder trailed off.
"Oh no, what did you promise him Mulder?"
"He made me promise not to arrest him for anything, under any circumstances, not that there would be any, he said."
"And you took his word for it?"
"Of course I didn't, he just doesn't know that. We will be staying there for about a week, so pack as many things for a 'female' week, as opposed to a 'male' week. Heaven knows women don't travel light."
"You think you are so damn funny."
"I try to be." Mulder replied, with a hint of humor in his voice.
Realization dawned on Scully's features as she thought about leaving for a week, with just Mulder, almost as if it was a vacation.
"Uh, Mulder? What about work?"
"Oh, I took care of it already. Skinner found it oddly amusing when I told him all about my cousin, and showed him the picture. He was kinda shocked that I had a cousin that looked like me. He said hell must be on earth for there to be two Mulders in one country. He said it was fine, we were racking up to much vacation time anyways."
"So you had it all worked out as if I would have said I would go with you?" Scully responded.
"Of course I did. I know how much you can't resist my charm."
"Oh you mean the lack there of?"
"Oh Scully, you wound me." Mulder said, acting as though he was actually wounded.
"Ok, fine Mulder. I will go anyways. Heaven knows I need some good relaxation from all the tensions of work."
"Good, because these plane tickets are non-refundable."
"Mulder!"
-Otherwise across the country-
"Karen, there's something I need to tell you."
"Oh God Hank, what now?" Karen was skeptical.
"I have this, crazy, never even heard of or seen before cousin coming in from Washington D.C. in two days. I just thought you should know that he works for the government, he's an agent, and he's bringing his partner with him." Hank looked sorry, well as sorry as he can be anyways.
"Christ Hank, why now of all days for you to get in trouble with the Federal Government?"
"I didn't do anything wrong, it's not like I screwed anybody's sister and she's crying rape to them." Hank chided.
"Well, who is it exactly thats coming down?"
"His name is Fox Mulder. Kind of a fucked up name if you ask me. But he's my cousin, and he says that wanted to meet me, because he has never even heard of me before, but it's most definitely true. I remember when we were younger, I used to visit my Aunt Teena, and Fox was so young then. Apparently Aunt Teena had another kid, Samantha, but something happened to her and it was never spoken of again. I forgot that I had that freaky kid as my cousin until now."
"Wow, so what is going to happen?"
"Well, first off they are going to stay with me..."
Karen cut Hank off, "Stay with you? But what about your endless parade of women? Or a more preferable term of pussy?"
"Well, If you are willing, I can keep you in my bedroom and keep him and his partner in the living room. He says he's bringing someone name Scully. Sounds like a man's name, but he told me it was a women. Must be pretty damn ugly to have a name like that."
"I'm sure she has a first name Hank."
"Not to my knowledge."
"Well, either way, I am sure if she's hooker enough, you'll have her in your bedroom in two minutes."
"What about you? I have to keep you stashed somewhere." Hank spewed innuendo like it was noone's business.
Hank then leaned in to kiss on Karen, but pushed him off at last second.
"Hank, now thats enough, you have to clean your damn house in order to be atleast presentable for your guests."
Hank pouted for a moment at loss of contact. He pondered over where Fox and his mystery guest would sleep, considering he only has 2 bedrooms. One for him, and one for his daughter, Becca. Hank's mouth pushed into a grin across his rugged features.
"Well, I guess I am going to have to put them on the pull out bed, considering thats the only other bed I have."
"Good luck with that one Hank. Well, I have to get going..." Karen left off.
"To what? Back to old washed up Bill?"
"You are so screwed up Hank. Goodnight."
"Night I guess."
Hank pondered over how he was going to get his house in decent working order.
'Man this is going to be a long week.'
A/N: Hello all, I was inspired today by another author doing another fanfiction entitled "Hank, Meet Mulder." By lateBloomer04. I promise I am not out to copy your work, this just came to me. I haven't really written anything new since 2007. To those who have read my unfinished stories, I am sorry but I dont see them being finished anytime soon. I have this whole story in my head, from beginning to end, so don't worry about this story not being finished. It just may take a while. I hope to have this story finished before the end of September. Well, if you liked it please review! Reviews are what makes the world go round and what makes me want to give you cookies if you do!
Also, I have nothing against Britney Spears, I like her music, and she seems better now. I just thought that was funny for them to banter about.