Summary: Sequel to 'Kids will be kids, right?'. General Landry has to write a report about SG-1 and their light-sabers.
Notes: Was watching an old episode of 'The Benny Hill Show' and had an idea.
Disclaimer: It's the disclaimer. I know you've read 'em before...
THOSE DARN KIDS
By screaminheathen69
General Hank Landry had both read and written a great many incredible reports since he had taken command of the SGC, but he was pretty sure this one took the cake.
I mean, seriously, who'da ever thought that an Air Force general would have to write a report about toy light-sabers once, let alone twice?
The first one was bad enough. The whole thing wouldn't have been a big deal if it weren't for the fact that during their little 'duel', Teal'c and Vala had managed to overturn and effectively demolish a rather expensive piece of scientific equipment in Dr. Lee's lab. Which probably could have been explained away were it not for the video that Dr. Jackson and Lt. Col. Carter had made of the 'duel' from the security camera footage.
There were two versions of the video. One at regular speed set to 'Duel of the Fates' from Episode I, and a second one at double speed set to 'Yakety Sax'. Daniel was a huge Benny Hill fan. Both versions had been a big hit at the base Christmas party. Jack O'Neill had laughed himself out of breath. Even Wolsey had chuckled a bit, except for the bit at the end where the aforementioned expensive piece of equipment met its untimely demise.
Which led to the first report concerning toy light-sabers at the SGC.
The second report concerned an off-world mission. And SG-1. Of course.
They had been on a simple recon mission to P9C-884. And, as per usual for SG-1, everything went south. The M.A.L.P. and UAV had shown no signs of inhabitants near the stargate. So, typically, not only were there natives, there were hostile natives.
SG-1 had come through the gate about two hours before sunset, so after hiking a few miles, they decided to set up camp and wait till morning to go exploring. They figured they'd build a nice little camp-fire, make a few s'mores, tell a few ghost stories, have a nice, quiet, pleasant night of rest and relaxation.
They should have known better. They are SG-1, after all. Chaos personified and all that.
The natives had shown up about an hour after dark, armed with bows, spears and various other pre-industrial implements of mayhem, and surrounded the camp. Seems they thought that anyone that came through the stargate was evil, and therefore should be hunted down and exterminated as quickly as possible, so as to keep the evil from spreading.
It had quickly turned into a stand-off. Cam and Sam fired a few quick bursts into the ground. The natives stopped their advance, but held their ground. Daniel tried talking with them, and managed to decipher what it was that they wanted, but wasn't making much progress convincing them that he and his friends weren't evil. 'Cause, after all, everybody that came through the Ring of the Gods was evil, right?
While this was going on, Vala noticed something. Several of the natives were jabbering back and forth while pointing at the flashlights mounted to their P-90's. They were dazzled by what obviously had to be powerful magic. Which gave her an idea. Yeah, I know. Vala and her ideas... "Hey, Muscles..."
She and Teal'c whispered back and forth for a few seconds, until Teal'c nodded, smiling. They both reached into their backpacks and pulled out there toy light-sabers. (The moon they were on had only about half the gravity of Earth, so they thought it would be fun to bring along their light-sabers and see if they could leap around like the Jedi in the lighter gravity.)
They hit the on buttons, and the natives were awed by the bright blue blades that hummed powerfully. Vala and Teal'c exchanged a few blows to demonstrate their 'powerful weapons', further awing the natives. Vala walked over to the awestruck leader, holding her saber out in front of her. "If you let us go back to the stargate, we'll give you these weapons. You'll be the strongest warriors on your world with these. No one would dare oppose you!" She had to force herself to ignore the muffled laughter coming from Cam and Sam.
Well, there was a great deal of jabbering amongst the natives at that. Eventually, they agreed. So Teal'c and Vala handed over their light-sabers to the leader and his second, who immediately started waving the blades around and and banging them together as the rest of the natives hooted and hollered, egging them on.
Vala leaned in close to Cam. "We might want to get moving. I'm not terribly sure how long those batteries are going to last." Cam got a slightly panicked look, and SG-1 hurriedly got their gear together and made a discrete exit, stage left, feeling good about how they'd managed to make a clean escape without any undue carnage.
They were about two-thirds of the way back to the gate (it was nigh on to two miles away) when the batteries in one of the light-sabers died. The other one died a few minutes later. The natives, believe it or not, took offense. Imagine that.
The last three hundred yards were a running battle. Teal'c took an arrow in the shoulder. Daniel took one... well, let's just say it was further south. And aft. He was not a happy camper. Partly from the discomfort, partly from the fact that he just knew Jack would never let him hear the end of this.
Suffice it to say, P9C-884 was written off as decidedly unfriendly.
During the debriefing, the subject of the light-sabers had inevitably come up. General Landry was warming up for a good old fashioned rant, but Vala managed to derail him quickly. "After all," she was quick to point out, "While I admit that we didn't get away without some small amount of difficulty-"
Daniel cut in. "Small amount of difficulty?" He was grumpily rearranging the inflatable cushion he was perched on.
Vala went on, unperturbed. "- Our little diversion did at least give us an opportunity to escape that we might not have had otherwise." She gave him one of those huge Vala smiles. Landry had sputtered for a bit longer, then waved them out of the room. He figured he could yell at them later. When he was slightly less aggravated.
Several hours later, he was sitting in his office staring at the report he'd just finished rewriting for the sixth time, mentally cursing SG-1, George Lucas, the Hasbro Toy Company, and life in general.
He finally hit print, then stood and walked over to the door and locked it. He sat back down and pulled the bottle of Wild Turkey that had been a gift from Jack O'Neill out of his bottom left drawer. ("Trust me," Jack had said with a twinkle in his eye, "You're gonna need it.")
Three shots later, he was feeling slightly less grumpy. He chuckled a bit and called up the 'Yakety Sax' version of the duel video.
When Walter walked past the general's office a few minutes later, he decided it would probably be wise to ignore the guffaws coming from behind the closed door. And safer.
'To thee no star be dark...'