I cried.
My cheeks burned and my eyes stung. My head hurt and my lips trembled.
I cried.
I wasn't okay. It had started brewing inside of me, eating my the inside out, bombarding me with the thought of what if? And what will happen? The feelings got worse and worse making me feel powerless. Helpless. I didn't feel like me anymore, I felt empty as if my whole life was just a massive joke and that nothing I ever do will ever amount to anything. And to be fair it probably wouldn't. I wasn't some genius or icon, I was just me. Dan.
It started first in the shower, I clenched my fists tight together the nasty thought running circles around my head driving me insane. I manged to find myself sat down in the shower my legs tooked up to my chest as I rocked slowly backwards and forwards. The shower hide the tears that flowed down my face as I thought about why. Why has I breathing? I couldn't pin point why it was that I was sad but I was, and it was to over whelming and powerful to ignore. I wasn't sure how long I was sat there for but I was knocked out of my day dream by the sight of a black haired boy shaking my viciously screaming my name at the top of his lungs. His roses cheeks stood out against his pale complexion, and his rich blue eyes snapped me out of my day dream. Phil.
"DAN! DAN!" I looked around trying to focus on my surroundings for a second before I realized where I was. He grabbed me a towel closing his eyes tightly allowing me to dress myself. I wondered how phil made his way into the bathroom with the bolt on. Maybe he smashed it in. Maybe it was that much of an emergency. He tried to talk to me about it but I just avoided the conversation before the match finally died out. I later found out I was sat in there for 3 and a half hours! It felt like 10 minutes.
The second installment wasn't any better. We went to party to try and get out the house for a brief moment. I enjoyed it for a while until more people came. I needed to breath, the room felt as if it was closing in on me suffercating me slowly. Everyones presence made it worse. I felt as though shadows were edging closer and closer to me, like predators ready to strike.
I couldn't breathe.
"What is happening!?" I was practically screaming inside my head, my hands resting on my knees. My heart beat was getting faster and faster and my temperature rising higher and higher, making me suffocate. I couldn't breathe! Pins and needles spread across my forehead my muscles stiffening as I began to cry silently to myself.
Please let me breathe.
My fingernails dug into my head, as if I was pulling chunks out of my hair, and believe me I was close to.
My hands joined in with my head in the tingling game making me wince every two seconds and even slapping myself at one point. Why wouldn't the tingling just piss off seriously!
I...couldn't...breathe.
I could feel everyone's presence at the back of me, there eyes glaring into the back of my head. I needed to get out! I ran away from Phil and out of the party. I heard his echoing scream call after me but I couldn't think. I ran away as fast as my legs would take me, dodging any pedestrians. I was scared. My heart beat drowned out the sound of moving traffic.
I finally made my way onto the street, glaring round at the bright colours that filled the street. The blue on the take away sign looked so...so vibrant. All the colours started to stand out drastically making me spin round in a circle taking it all in hyperventilating . I felt as though the colours where big bright flashing lights, shining in my face.
As I ran through the park, leafs crunching under my feet. My eyes started dropping, as I started to sink down lower and lower into the ground, practically eating the dirt. I closed my eyes for a brief moment then recovered myself trying to pull myself onto my feet again. But collapsing again.
It took a while but 14 miss calls later from Phil I finally found him again passed out on the sofa a empty beer bottle laid at the side of him. I rolled my eyes smiling slight as I did so, grabbing a blanket and placing it over him to make sure he was warm. And then sent myself to bed. I tucked myself into a ball making myself comfy. I place my head upon the pillow , sinking deep into my bedsheets. My eyes sore I tried to drift into a deep sleep. I was exhausted a lot usually, some would blamed it on the sadness wearing me down. They was properly right but I wasnt gonna let anyone know that. This carried on until I finally fell to sleep.
The third time phil decide to take action with me. I stared down at my shaking hands, sighing slightly and burying them deep into my pockets. I wandered slowly towards my mirror, staring at myself and analysing the mess. I inhaled sharply, my ribs aching in response. My eyes were dark and dull as my shirt hung from my pale fragile body. Food and sleep where the last of my problems. We all die anyway, so why care. I ran my fingers through my messy hair and headed towards the door of my bedroom.
I had worn the same clothes for... I can't remember how many days. I can't remember what day it was. It could be Monday or Friday, I didn't know. I grabbed the handle pulling my door open. A bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice sat in front of me on the floor, a little note hiding behind my spoon. I picked it up reading it quickly. It was from Phil asking me to at least look at my food.
I faintly remember him knocking earlier, and muttering something about how I need to go to the doctors. He was worried I guess. I stepped over the food wandering into kitchen and digging through the cupboards for some pain killers; to help at least put me in some sort of daze for a minute.
"What you looking for?" I spun round in shock to see a man with a black floppy fringe and a hard look, glare and me. It was Phil. I groaned turning round to him "Some pain killers you seen any?" I asked sighing slightly. He dug into his pockets pulling out a packet. I smiled at him putting my hands out read to catch them when he threw them my way. "Thanks" He put them back into his pocket his glare becoming harder in my direction. My eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "What you doin-"
"I'm not giving you anything! You haven't eaten or came out of your room for 6 days! I would come in but you keep locking the door! You haven't slept either have you?"
"How do yo-"
"Cause I can hear you at stupid a clock pacing muttering, crying, shouting about stuff that's starting to scare me!" His tone lowered as his started to become more like Phil. "Look Dan I'm scared, you are really starting to worry me now" He looked desperate and that upset me deeply. But this didn't give me the answer onto why he was keeping the pain killers from me. "So you are not having them." I was confused deeply, pain killers will surly help. Right?
"Why?" I questioned him.
"Cause I'm scared you gonna ya know..." He looked at me slightly in fear.
"Gonna what Phil? Kill myself! If I wanted to do that I would have jumped out my bedroom window a few days ago for fucksake!" I snapped, watching Phil's eyes hover towards the floor. I was too shocked in what he was saying to me. He thought I was gonna end it all. I watched as he muttered quietly at me "I don't believe you".
I pushed passed Phil making my way into the living room, and sitting down on the sofa. He followed slowly, sitting next to me and placing his hand on my knee in reassurance. His eyes still staring at his shoes. "Please eat something" He murmured his face emotionless. "I'm not hungry" I moaned back moving my leg away from him. He brought his hands to his knees turning round and staring me in the eye.
"Dan you're scaring me okay, you have never been like his before and I care about you weird enough, and If you don't wanna do it for yourself for it for me. Please I'm begging you" His eyes went back to his feet before he got up and wandered into the kitchen. I sighed noticing the hunger that I had been ignoring. I stood up wandering into the kitchen following him like a dog.
"I'm gonna go get a shower then we should go out for lunch?"
I watched as a small smile escaped his lips.
"Thank you Dan"