"If you love me, won't you let me know?"
It should have been that simple to say, it should have been the one of the easiest statements, so straightforward and blunt. It was so honest and strong just to say it out loud, just to get straight to the point, and it took all the courage, took the courage that only Blair Waldorf could muster up. It only took a girl like Blair Waldorf to represent all of these things and to finally admit her feelings out loud.
But she hadn't mustered a single word. Hadn't defended a single point. Hadn't found the courage inside her to put up a fight. Blair Waldorf had failed.
In the midst of her senior year, life was not at its peak. She smiled occasionally, went about on her shopping sprees, excelled with her schoolwork, and enjoyed the solidity of Upper East Side balls, parties and soirees with the company of her best friend.
In all honesty, there was a hole in her heart. There was something missing. Senior year was supposed to be the best; she was supposed to be enjoying her out of lessons before she became serious with Yale. Before she became the successful, adult she was destined to be.
Was it a terrible cliché to admit that being without a boyfriend was sheer torture? It didn't have to be that way, but when you admit defeat with any ruins of the relationship with Chuck Bass, it was slightly hard to move on.
So she remained slightly bitter. Went about her days pretending she was okay. Went about her life pretending she didn't miss him, didn't want him…didn't love him.
It was sort of strange to silently admit that love might be present, but as long as Blair kept it silent, as long as Blair didn't admit it out loud, no one would know that Chuck Bass had successfully hurt her.
She would twist her chocolate curls between delicate fingers; gaze up into the sky, holding back a tear trying to wonder where it all went. How did their relationship fade away?
He had stood her up. Let her travel to another country without so much as a goodbye. She waited everyday, upon lying under the sun in France, waiting for his call, waiting for him to tell her he would be there shortly. Only when she boarded the French airlines on her way back to New York did it finally settle in that he wasn't coming. He was never coming.
Above all things Blair was angry. Blair was furious that he couldn't simply dump her, why he had to torture her slowly. Why he had to show her that deep, soft side of him at the Van der Bass wedding. Why he had wheeled her in when all he planned to do was spit her out.
Upon her return in the Hamptons, Blair certainly looked her best, was accompanied by an exquisite fake boyfriend, and fully equipped for a round of scandalous games that the two were so excellent at playing. What had changed was the surprise that neither of them were up for playing games. Not anymore. Something that summer had changed, and one day, while standing in the rain, face to face with each other, there were just no words to be exchanged. The only memory of that day was the hurt faces, the glares, and the hollow feeling of walking away, losing everything, and gaining nothing.
Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf were not able to fix the relationship that had tried to build. They had successfully kept a safe distance and managed not to speak to each other for months, which seemed to be so hard considering their whereabouts usually were near one another, but more shockingly, it seemed to be so easy for the two of them after everything that had happened.
There were times when Blair Waldorf would lie awake thinking of the time when her and Chuck had first slept together in the limo, and how easy it was to follow her desires and give into him. It hurt her till this day because even at the time, she had wished for their fling to go somewhere, anywhere, so that it would not feel like a one night stand.
But everything now just felt like one huge mistake, and at this very moment as Blair Waldorf exited Constance Billard and marched down the steps, she caught a glance of Chuck stepping into his limo, taking a quick look at Blair and holding his eyes on her for several moments. Blair stopped at the end of the steps, and used a free hand to hold together her thick cashmere coat which had unbuttoned at the top. A chilly breeze shuddered by and fanned Blair's thick curls to the side as her cheeks blushed and her eyes moistened. He finally sat himself into the limo and shut the door loudly as Blair was left motionless in place.
Blair shook her head in disappointment. All she ever had to do was tell him how she felt, and she hadn't. All those opportunities, like the one that had just past her by now, would keep passing her by and she only had herself to blame.
Blair Waldorf had courage, and all it took was courage to muster up those few simple words. But she had ultimately failed. Blair Waldorf had failed herself for the first time.
"HAPPY EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY BLAIR!" The teens all shouted at the tops of their lungs.
Blair Waldorf smiled prettily and leant down to blow out the candles on her exquisite cake. When all that was left in the dark air was the aroma of candles, and a fresh mist of gray smoke, everyone clapped and soon returned to their places at her stylishly themed party.
Blair stayed by the table and somehow magically found her champagne flute, before lifting it up to her plump lips and taking a long swig. Serena was at her side cutting the first slice and handing it out to the nearby guests. Blair glanced at her side and couldn't help but giggle. Serena liked to think they were just average people at a small family party, and she had the motherly duty of cutting cake, and entertaining arriving guests.
Blair's eighteenth birthday was not anything near a small get together or family event. It was even better than her seventeenth, and all her other ones for that matter. Instead of being set in an Upper East Side apartment, the whole penthouse of the Palace hotel had been rented out. All the seniors and random invites were dressed exquisitely in head to toe couture, while they socialized in an endless amount of suites, guzzling Veuve Cliquot champagne (Blair's favorite) and frozen martinis. To send off the 'birthday party' vibe, electric blue, silver, and baby blue colored balloons were set up everywhere. The same colored lights were set up all over the penthouse, as music blasted from the Bose sound system, while the music videos for the said sounds were projected on all the plasma TV's hooked on the walls.
As for food, room service was ordered endlessly, supplying the underage teens with an endless supply of sushi, filet mignon, or liquor-whatever their hearts desired. The bar was in a full swing and new drinks were being made each minute. Some of the guests could have the pleasure of partying on the balcony, or stepping into the large Jacuzzi on the other end of the penthouse. A view of New York City at night was present from all angles, and it truly looked like everyone was having the time of their life at Blair's hotel party.
Blair couldn't help but look down and grin to herself. She of course looked the best at the party, dressed in an elegant but stylish strapless, grape colored Chanel dress, and metallic Manolo stilettos. On her head was the amazing crown Serena had ordered especially tonight, sparkling and gleaming from the Swarovski crystals encrusted on it.
She looked fabulous, she felt fabulous and upon taking another sip of her champagne she placed a hand on her neck and instantly remembered that she gone bare necked, not deciding between a single necklace in fear of remembering how only a year ago Chuck Bass had given her the most gorgeous of diamond necklaces to wear.
Blair shook off the familiar memory and went back to attending her party. She moved across the large living area which appeared to be the dance floor. She squeezed by all the sweaty, dancing bodies into one of the hallways that would lead her into a more quiet area. Serena would probably wonder where she went, but Blair didn't seem to mind, she wasn't in the mood for cake anyway.
It was a few minutes till midnight and Blair had to try to find some alone space to shake off yet another memory of how her perfect ex-boyfriend always called her at the exact minute that brought in midnight. Nate Archibald was somewhere in the party and he and Blair only exchanged a few words and glances. It was strange, almost acting like they had never been a couple some time ago. But her heart wasn't exactly set on him anymore.
As Blair moved down towards the bedrooms, she was careful to knock on a few doors or to at least check if they were "occupied" at the moment. When she approached the farthest door at the end of the hall, she opened it slowly; noticing that only a dim light illuminated the room. It looked cozy and quiet, and she was almost positive that no one was in there, and that it's far location would make it simple for her not to be disturbed.
As she walked in, she turned her body completely to shut the door behind her, when she turned around to face the room; she pressed her body against the closed door quickly as she gasped in shock.
Sitting on the corner of the bed was none other than Chuck Bass, holding a nearly empty glass of scotch. He cocked his head to the side slowly and watched Blair for several moments, who kept her body firm against the door, her breath hitched in her throat.
"Happy Birthday." He mumbled softly, almost earnestly.
Blair could feel all of the alcohol going straight to her head. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. It was strange finally being alone with him in a room. They hadn't spoken in months, and being in such a familiar situation should have made her feel slightly at ease, but within seconds she felt fury for him abandoning her and making her feel so completely worthless this past summer.
"Sorry to disturb you, I imagine you were waiting for some other girl to come in here." She said coldly as she slowly tried to turn her body so that she could leave fast. But she was frozen. She couldn't explain the feeling, but she was so stunned, so angry and hurt all at the same time it made it physically impossible for her to move.
With a shaky hand, she trembled to use her free hand to turn the knob of the closed door her back was still pressed against. When Chuck noticed her jagged movements, he quickly rise off the bed and walked up to her.
His movement was so sudden, Blair felt even more stunned, like she was in some sort of surreal dream. Within seconds his body was pressed up against her and his head was moving in closer to her face.
Blair closed her eyes slowly, not sure if she felt more afraid, or more at ease of the signals he was sending her. She half expected her body to give into him before her mind decided what was right. In all reality she wanted nothing more than wrap her arms around him, let him take her away, just give into him so slightly. In her mind, for a mere second, she truly believed that finally letting him in would let her out of this darkness she was trapped in.
But he made no move, didn't press his lips against her like she had expected. Instead the only thing she could feel was his warm breath tickling the delicate skin of her neck, as he used his right hand to lock the door behind them.
Blair's eyes snapped open within the second she heard the door lock, and all of a sudden, her jaded, sensual dream was disturbed and she was back to feeling unbelievably awkward and shameful in front of him.
"What are you going to rape me now?" she spat out without thinking.
He leaned back almost instantly as soon as she was done speaking. She could tell that he was contemplating on what he should say next, which was very not…Chuck. Usually within seconds he would reply something witty and sarcastic. But the evidence of the relationship's endless complications was ever more obvious by the way Blair and Chuck could act so completely different around each other.
"Actually I think this is the only way you and I will ever talk…is if I hold you hostage." He said simply, keeping his eyes on hers.
Blair looked down at her shoes, unable to keep her eye contact on that heated gaze that made her feel so hot, and completely nervous, all at the same time.
When she didn't reply, he took the initiative to take a step closer to her, this time he used his physical actions to try and slowly possess her, lure her in like he had done so many times before.
Blair closed her eyes again, but this time only for a brief second as he pressed up against her hard. She could feel his erection, firm against her, and the heat coming off of his body. Blair tried hard not to give in, and so she pressed her head against the back of the door.
Chuck didn't oblige, instead he closed his eyes and went in for a kiss, urgent, demanding, but passionate. For a few seconds, Blair let him kiss her, and upon debating whether she should respond, and curl her fingers in his hair while letting his tongue enter her mouth, she pushed him off with the little bit of strength she had.
He opened his eyes and looked at her confusingly.
In her head, she was already shaking her head in disappointment although she could not physically make herself do it out loud. She felt that burn inside of her again, that pain that had been killing her, that physical agony of being hurt.
It had only taken her a brief moment within the kiss to realize that he was completely drunk. She should have sensed it really, but as soon as she tasted the crisp liquid on his tongue, she immediately felt turned off. She was over them being physical. Although he still had his touch, she couldn't bring herself to get wrapped up in his games again. This wasn't about sex anymore, she wanted the real thing with him, and he didn't understand that.
He stumbled back unevenly, bringing a hand over his face, and suddenly he looked a lot more drunk that before, as if the whiskey, vodka, or whatever the hell he was drinking went straight to his head.
"I would never hurt you." He slurred, finally responding to her "rape" comeback that had escaped her lips moments before. It was one of the most ironic things he had ever said.
She looked at him for several moments longer, thinking that maybe if she continued watching him in his most pathetic state, that she would truly become disgusted with him, and possibly stop loving him. But it would never work.
"Stay away from me Chuck Bass." She said sharply before putting all her anger into strength and finally opening the door behind her, and running out.
Once she was outside, moving quickly down the hall, back into the party, back into life, where she felt slightly better, surrounded by the aroma of normalcy, fun, and mental escape.
As she moved deeper into her own party, deeper into the midst of cocktails, blaring music, and happy, dancing classmates she wished that maybe her mind would not play tricks on her, wouldn't be so naive so that she could escape traps like Chuck Bass, because he was a trap, but what was evermore disappointing, and what would always be the deepest, sneakiest trap to Blair Waldorf, was her own tender heart, which still beat fastly and heavily for only Chuck Bass.
Serena Van der Woodsen ran up to Blair as soon as she saw her friend putting on her designer coat.
"B where are you going?" Serena asked giddily.
Blair tried to return the smile, and put on a faux one for the meantime. The Chuck incident had happened a few hours ago, and Blair wasn't even quite sure if Chuck was still at the party, or if he was still a drunken mess in that room. "I'm not feeling good, I definitely need to leave." Blair stated firmly, putting her hands on top of Serena and smiling for real this time. "Thank you so much for everything; this was amazing what you did."
Serena looked around quite pleased with her work, herself. The party was still in full swing, not surprisingly, and Serena was slightly disappointed that Blair wouldn't be staying a while longer, considering the party was for her. "I wish you could stay longer though, do you want me to leave with you?"
"No it's fine, you stay a little longer, have fun." Blair offered generously.
Serena smiled. She was never one to leave parties. But then within a moment, Serena's expression went to a very serious one and she stepped closer to Blair. "Have you seen Chuck? Has he bothered you tonight?" she whispered.
Blair closed her eyes momentarily wishing that she didn't display her emotions so easily. She hated that Serena knew her too well, and she hated that even hours after the Chuck incident, he was still the only thing on her mind. "No, he doesn't matter to me." She said quickly, hoping that Serena would buy it. "And he'll be gone for a while anyway, so I won't need to see him." Blair added.
"Oh yeah, you're totally right." Serena said flakily. She suddenly remembered that in a few hours her and her lovely little family would be boarding the plane on a trip to Bermuda. "You'll miss me though right?" Serena asked with a coy smile.
Blair smiled. "Of course S!" she responded enthusiastically before wrapping her arms around her only true best friend. Blair had to admit, even after the way Serena had screwed up, she truly did learn how to prove herself to be a great best friend. Because of Blair's spectacular birthday, Serena had begged her mother and Bart to postpone the trip a day, just for Blair. It really meant a lot to Blair.
"I won't be gone for long though so don't miss me too much!" Serena said back as she watched Blair now exit the party.
Blair turned around once more, smiling and waving right before the elevator doors closed, separating them.
As soon as Blair stepped outside, she knew that it was going to be a very bitter winter. The air was unbearably cold and her little dress beneath a fashionable lightweight coat wasn't helping any.
As she moved a little down the sidewalk she noticed her limo wasn't there, and suddenly felt extremely stupid for not remembering to call her driver.
That's what you get for drinking too much. Blair reminded herself.
She stood there in the middle of a deserted street at about three in the morning, tapping her stiletto impatiently on the ground. With each time she exhaled, she could see her own breath, and with each chilly breeze that passed, another tear slithered down her cheek.
She had no gloves, no hat, and no scarf. Feeling even more stupid, she used her left hand to reach up and thumb the crown still placed firmly on her head. She suddenly felt very dumb looking very close to either a child or some type of lost princess.
Just then a very familiar limo pulled up. It rested in front of her, on the curb momentarily, before a door opened. "Take it or leave it. I don't think I need to tell you that it's a cold night." A deep voice called out.
Blair bit her bottom lip and looked around one last time. There was no way she was going back up into the party, and there was absolutely no way she was walking home, let alone resort to some disease-ridden form of public transportation.
Without much thought she quickly placed herself in Chuck Bass's limo and shut the door next to her. She didn't even look at him, didn't give him the slightest bit of attention, as the limo slowly crawled its way to her apartment.
He moved hesitantly, and seemed to clear his throat many times, as if he had something to say. Just then as the limo neared her house, she felt him slide over his seat so that he was dangerously close to her.
"Chuck, just stop." Blair said hastily, pushing him away from her.
"No." He said sternly, trying to put up a fight.
She tried pushing him off again, but his face was too close to hers and with each breath he took she could smell the fresh alcohol he had just consumed. Her eyes moved all around the limo and next to him all she could see was the half empty bottle of liquor. She closed her eyes in disgust, once again. This was all he was.
He only wants me when he's drunk, when he's so completely out of his skin, so that he isn't ashamed to admit his feelings for me. She reminded herself, trying desperately to use all her willpower to keep him away.
"You could have had me, but you threw me away! You lost me okay?" she snapped back angrily, loudly.
He backed off for the moment, taking the moment to try and gaze into her eyes. He was so damn drunk off his ass though, that he couldn't even fully process what she had just said to him.
"Well I want to find you." He slurred, grinning obnoxiously now, his hand now on her thigh, not moving, just tormenting her.
Just then the limo came to a stop, and Blair used her hand to open the door. She used the other hand to push his hand off of her creamy thigh. "And you couldn't find me at the bottom of the bottle?" she asked sadly, before running out of the limo, into her apartment where she fell on her bedroom floor, in a sea of tears, swearing to herself that she would do whatever it took to never look at Chuck Bass again.
She awoke with a start when she heard the sound of the elevator doors opening, and that light bell's noise that signaled that a guest was exiting the elevator. She turned to her side and glanced at the clock. It was only eleven a.m. Her mother was out of town and surely wouldn't call this early on a Saturday, her father was doing God knows what with his gay French boyfriend, and Serena surely wouldn't have landed this quick, although her flight was very early in the morning.
She quickly grabbed a white silk robe and wrapped it around her tired body as she descended down the stairs only to meet Chuck Bass's form, standing in the center of her foyer, looking completely disheveled from head to toe…and shaking.
"Chuck, what the fuck?" she demanded angrily. She was so furious, so confused for why he would go completely out of character and showing up this early to start up another charade with her.
He ran his hands over his face, his eyes were bloodshot, his skin was pale, and his hands were trembling. He didn't respond, just shook his head back and forth, looking like he was on the verge of tears.
For a moment Blair Waldorf grew up, and she realized that Chuck was here to tell her something important. He wasn't here for her, their shattered, tangled web of a relationship…and he wasn't here to play games. There was a reason why he wasn't on that flight with Serena and the rest of their family, going straight to Bermuda.
She wasn't sure why but she softened for a moment, and took a step closer to him, and reached out for his hands. "What is it?" she asked, almost scared for what was about to come out of his mouth.
It took five long months for her and Chuck to finally speak again, as they did tonight. It took four long hours for Blair to finally stop thinking of Chuck and the ways he had hurt her, and finally get herself to fall asleep. It took three long minutes for him to finally say what he had come to tell her, two seconds for her to even register a response, and one moment for her to realize that her life had only just begun to fall apart.