A/N: Okay, so this "book" is going to be my own collection of drabbles, short stories, and one-shots that I've written, but I thought I'd start it with a little fanfic diary entry "story". In my English class, we were assigned to do projects concerning the books we'd been reading on our own during our SSR time. Of the project options given, I chose to do four diary entries from a character's POV about the events in the book. Of course, me being the fangirl I am, I did this project on Star Wars: Legacy of the Force Invincible. So, here's a little story from Jaina Solo's POV about the events of Invincible by Troy Denning.
1
Dear Diary,
Today, I finally proposed my plan to the Council. It was no fun, I can tell you that much. I had gone into that meeting room knowing what the worst part was going to be before I even began. And I was right. Just asking the Council to let me kill Caedus was hard enough, but watching Mom and Dad trying to hold it together and supporting me . . . I wanted to run away screaming. I wanted to tear my hair out and beg Uncle Luke to do it for me. But, I can't. It wouldn't be right. Through my uncle, the Force named me Sword of the Jedi and if this is what it's supposed to mean, I have to do it. I have no choice.
I've already come to terms with that kriffing awful fact. Thanks to my training time with [Boba] Fett, Mirta, Gotab, Venku, and Beviin, I have learned that my brother, Jacen Solo, is long dead. Thanks to the true Force auras my parents try to hide behind veneers, I have come to realize that Caedus killed the sweet, loving, caring brother I miss so dearly. That is why I must do this.
You may pity me, reflect on how sad this must be for a sister who loved her brother until he no longer loved her back. And, yes, I will admit, it hurts. But, quite honestly, I don't have time to pity myself. Or to even meditate on what I'm going to do. It's just another part of the Solo lifestyle.
Anyway, the Council agreed with my proposition. Master Durron even said they'd foreseen it! The fact that they'd been talking about it at length already just goes to show how we see my twin brother now: again, the long-dead Jedi Knight who died of his wounds in the Yuuzhan Vong War sometime after his captivity with Vergere. Yeah, thanks a lot, Vergere.
At least, I have one of the hardest parts of my plan completed now. All I have to do now is . . . actually do it. Fierfek, I'm going to need so much therapy. Force, help me!
2
Dear Diary,
I saw Allana for the first time today. She's so beautiful, small, and innocent. It makes me wonder how Jacen could have started down this dark path and become Caedus. When he has such innocence to protect, how could he be led so astray? It made me think about Grandfather, too. Though I never met the man, Sith or Jedi, but I truly had to think a moment about how he too could take such a dark turn when he had so much to protect and worry about. That's when I realized the answer to my question was ridiculously self explanatory. They decided on their dark path to protect their loved ones. As twisted as I see it, I have to make myself understand it the way that they must have seen it. It's no coincidence that they both chose to join the Sith around the time their children were born. It was once I realized this that I began seeing their side of things so clearly. How far will I go to protect them, they must have asked themselves every day. What all am I willing to do to keep Padmé, the baby, Tenel Ka, Allana safe? How far into the darkness will I go to keep them in the light?
Is that true love, I find myself wondering. Is that the right kind of love when it comes to a father and his wife, children? And how, with that goal in mind, could they both get so off track that they completely lose sight of their humanity and end up hurting their children worse than they were hurt before it all started? I know Mom still has scars on her back and shoulders from the interrogator droid on the first Death Star. It's impossible for Uncle Luke's right hand to grow back. And, I'm willing to bet Allana will never forget the time when her father kidnapped her from the Hapan Royal Palace. Those kinds of scars tend to stick.
I, as Allana's aunt, am prepared to do everything I must to preserve her future, let her be a kid again, make her feel more comfortable around her own family. I swear to uphold this and stay her loving aunt forever. The dark side will never overtake me. I've visited too many times to think I want to go back. Everything else around Allana Solo may shatter, but I intend to stay. She's not going to grow up like I did, still bearing scars of my grandfather's cruelty. She will know peace and she will remember her father as the loving man who had once meant good and cared for her more than anything else in this galaxy. She has to understand just like Mom eventually did. She will understand that Jacen was once good, wonderful, sweet, and she was his world before he destroyed it.
3
Dear Diary,
Since when did Mom and I become best friends? Honestly, we couldn't stand each other just a few years ago! Did Jacen really accomplish something within this massacre mess? I guess I'd like to believe that it wasn't him, but progress on me and Mom's behalves ourselves. Perhaps, we've reached a mutual understanding through one simple fact: thanks to people, things, and ideas such as the Force, my grandfather, the Emperor, and the Yuuzhan Vong . . . our lives . . . stink! Dad says I'm too much like her. The two of us are so alike we can only see the things we hate about ourselves in the other. Coincidentally, the main problem of ours that we share is one we both can't stand in each other: our work habits and addiction.
Today, though, for a nice change in things, this ridiculous circumstance actually made me feel better. Today was the day I was going to kill Darth Caedus. Now, don't get too hung up on that 'was going to'. Let's just say it was sort of nice to have a not-quite trial run fighting Caedus despite all the injuries sustained.
Dad set up the blastboat for me and freezed before leaving for the Falcon's cockpit. He stared at the floor for a long moment before he could muster the strength to look at me. "Hey, kid," his mouth trembled. "Do me a favor and come back alive, alright?"
Thinking about all the dangers of this mission, I couldn't say anything back to him. So, I just nodded. Then, he left, not looking back, and called Mom down to let the blastboat go. As she approached, I tried to ignore her Force presence; the remorse and grief that was swallowing her whole. I couldn't let it overwhelm me. She stopped outside the blastboat to set its controls and send me flying towards the Anakin Solo. Once she finished, she stepped inside the blastboat and caught me in a tight embrace. Willingly, I fell into her arms, overcome with racking sobs. "Please come back to me, Jaya," she cried, rubbing my back. "Please don't leave me and your dad. We need you, sweetie. We can't lose you, too." Too. I am the only remaining child of my parents. Of two sons and one daughter, I am the only one who remains. I'm not leaving Mom and Dad, I was constantly saying to myself. They need me to come back to them alive. "Do you hear me? You can't die on us, Jaina. Please. Come. Back." Tears stinging her eyes, she stepped back, out of the blastboat and set the controls to release it. Then, I sat there, hugging my knees to my chin, taking the time to cry then because there wouldn't be time for that later. The next time I saw Caedus, I had to be ready to kill him. I had to harness the power I inherited from Mom to stay strong no matter how much I was willing to let him strike me down first. This is for Mara, I thought to myself the whole trip to the Anakin. This is for Mara and Allana and everyone else Caedus has hurt. Even Mirta and her family.
4
Dear Diary,
How can I feel bad? How can I regret what I did even as the Council, the Order, even Mom and Dad tell me that it was right. It was the only way, they all insist, even my parents despite how much it breaks their hearts to admit it. Caedus was on a path of destruction and someone needed to stop him. But, I'm always going to wonder if I really did the right thing, wonder if there was ever a chance to truly redeem him. I'm always going to hate myself for not giving him one more chance. It's always going to kill me when I remember Jacen(no, I don't mean Caedus) standing there, not defending himself as I came at him, bringing my lightsaber to slice through his chest as he started reaching through the Force, yelling, screaming at Tenel Ka to warn her about the Moffs' nanokiller . . .
And then he died.
My mouth fell as I caught his last act too late. Guilt swallowed me whole and sent me diving for his body as it fell. I screamed at myself as I gathered him, gently pulled his body and rested him in my lap. I stroked his hair, futilely trying to stop the blood freely flowing from his stomach. You're not really dead, I tried telling myself. You're not really dead!
I remember Jag was the first one to find me in the disposal pit. He saw me, bloody, cut up, covered in bruises, holding Jacen in my lap. "Han, Leia! I found her! Hurry!" he yelled before running to my side and pulling Jacen out of my lap. That made me angry and I hurled him with the Force to the nearest wall. I screamed at him what meant to be, 'Don't touch him', but came out, "Doonguchem!" Nothing short of brave, he picked himself up and approached me more slowly to comfort me, this time not touching Jacen. "Help's on the way, Jaina," he said, taking my hand after giving me a stim-shot. "You're going to be fine." Honestly, at that moment, I didn't care if I was fine. More than anything, I wanted Jacen to be fine, to be alive so he could come back to us and be the father to Allana he always meant to be.
Mom and Dad came running in, falling to my side to work on my injuries. I caught them risking glances at the remains of their son. As strong as they are, I noticed it the moment their lips begin to quiver and when their eyes watered. We all hurt. We all will never be the same after this whole ordeal. So, when get back to the Jedi base on Shedu Maad and out of a bacta tank, I break with them. They are the only ones I allow myself to break in front of. That is, excluding Jacen. Mom strokes my hair as if just for the purpose of busying her hands so she doesn't start pulling her hair out in anger and profound sadness. "I'm just happy you're alive," she mutters, planting a soft kiss on the top of my head. "We still need you."
Then, they bring in a little girl and introduce me to her. Her name is Amelia, they tell me even though I know the truth when I look into her eyes and see her father and mother there. I can pick out all the tiny details of her parents in her. I see Tenel Ka in her coloration even though her hair is dyed. I see Jacen in those big, loving, compassionate eyes. She is her father's daughter, the same girl my beloved brother went to such extremes for. It is Allana.
I don't want to say Allana can replace the hole left by Jacen in our family, but she's filled some kind of gap and I don't feel so empty anymore. Despite all the losses my family has suffered(Chewie, Aunt Mara, Anakin, Jacen), Allana seems like enough for us now. Yes, for now, she is. And she's so much like Jacen, too! It almost hurts. But, on the other hand, it only helps fill the gap.
"Hello, Jaina," she says, timidly. "They tell me we're going to be sisters now."
I look through the short hair and black dye, look at my niece for a moment and see a brighter future lying ahead, see a new hope brimming in her eyes. "I guess we are, Amelia. Welcome to the family."