Chapter One: Sweet Ignorance
Dear Diary!
It's the 3rd of June, 2013, and tomorrow it'll be my birthday. I just don't know how people usually keep diaries but I'll try to write something each day...
Mom has just told me that in two weeks time we'll move abroad. Just one year before I would be able to take my final exams. Genius...Why couldn't she wait one more year? I just can't imagine...
4th June, 2013.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
Mom told me that I should say goodbye to my old friends. On my birthday. Does she want me – and everybody else – to CRY today?!
Back from school. I told all of my friends – and to my boyfriend – that they wouldn't meet me for some years. My friends weren't happy about it but they wanted to stay my friends. But not did my boyfriend. He said that he didn't love me anyway. Nice breaking up... Later one friend of ours told me that he has cheated on me. Thanks God. It didn't end because of me.
Tara has just called me to go out with her to the town.
Woaah, it was the best birthday of mine EVER! We were just shopping while Mom and the guys were making a surprise-party for me! In the end we didn't buy anything and we just walked home sadly. But when I entered they started singing Happy birthday to you... and I was so happy about it! I love them all!
They said as school ended in one and a half week it was my farewell-party too. I'll miss them so much! Where can I find as great friends as they are?
5th June, 2013.
I have an idea about the place where we'll go. I think it's Sweden. Partly because it just came into my mind that Mom was born there. Her parents moved there a long time ago and they came back when she was 16 and I also had the citizenship although I had never been there. And partly because I have found some air-tickets in mom's bedside table.
13th June, 2013.
OMG, I didn't have time to write anything, I had a huge amount of things to do. Tests, tests and more tests had been waiting for me but now I had finished with them. Tomorrow we're going to the capital and – as I have thought – we're going to Sweden.
I have argued with my friends in the last two weeks so we're not friends at all now. I'll make a new fb account, I'm sure.
I still have many things to do so I don't really think I'll be able to write.
14th June, 2013.
FUCK THIS SHIT! We had just arrived when my mother told me that she wanted to introduce me somebody. We got into a taxi and went to a big apartment-house, then got off and went to the sixth floor ON FOOT (!), and entered the flat that was the furthest. A man was waiting for us – mom's school-love. His name's Peter and he'll be my next father! Dad has just died three months ago and SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED?! I just can't calm down! And no, I don't have any problem with him just with her. I still mourn my father and at the end of this summer she, HIS WIFE will turn black into white.
20th June, 2013.
I'm getting used to the fact that I'll have a new father when suddenly he enters my room and tells me that if I want to buy something in the summer I'll have to work for my money, he won't pay anything for me. Great father.
21st June, 2013.
Today I still don't have any idea what I should work because I can't speak Swedish. My school will be a bilingual one so I'll learn everything in English except the ones of which I'll take my final exams later.
OMG, I haven't written down where we have moved. The town is called Sundsvall I think.
23rd June, 2013.
Still have no idea about work. Peter told me that I should go to the McDonald's but I don't think it would be a good idea because I still can't speak Swedish. Mom has already told me how to say hello, thank you, good morning and goodbye, but I don't remember.
24th June, 2013.
I went to a shop in the mall and I have found a LOVELY and COOL Gothloli dress but I had no money to buy. I have to find a job asap.
26th June, 2013.
I think I should write dialogues down if something interesting happens, for example if I meet a cute guy...
30th June, 2013.
At breakfast I thought I should ask Peter something:
– Peter...
– Uhm? – he asked while biting one of the toast which was full of marmalade.
– Do you think I could work not directly with people? And what?
– Well, I work at the pound but we're full.
And so we continued eating. We had nearly finished when Mom came up with an idea.
– You should do babysitting! I remember, your little cousins were always over the moon when they met you. What do you think, darling?
– I totally agree with you. If little children like her she should work with them. We shall check the newspapers and make a piece of advertising... where the hell the news are? They're always on a place where they aren't needed! Here the paper is... hmm... Babysitter needed. May I call them?
– Of course – I hugged him.
The man told Peter that he wanted to meet me in a small café near our neighborhood. Today he had no time but tomorrow we would meet. Of course I'm not the only person for this job, so give my BEST! Yeah, I have a possibility for work!
1st July, 2013.
It's Monday, today I'll meet the man called Tommy. It's the only thing I know about him and that he lives in Sundsvall.
At two o'clock I left to the place where I was meeting Tommy. In twenty minutes time I got there and I was waiting ten more minutes for him. He came with a new black Volvo and parked the car and sat down outside. He was wearing red T-shirt and blue jeans. He sat down and asked for a Schweppes and for a Coca Cola. That was the sign that it would be him so I went there.
– Excuse me, are you Tommy?
– Yes, I am. You must be the girl who comes from Hungary and speaks no Swedish – he smiled.
– You're right. My name's Beatrix Bíró. Nice to meet you.
– Nice to meet you too. Can I ask how old you exactly are?
– I became eighteen a month ago.
– Then happy birthday.
– Thanks – I smiled.
– Have you worked with children yet?
– Not yet, but I have small cousins.
– Do you usually play with them?
– I used to do when I lived in Hungary, of course. I loved those moments!
– Do you prefer boys or girls?
– I prefer boyish things and games but I have realized that they are more vain and shy than girls.
– What kind of music do you like?
– I like children's songs and cartoons...
– Really? – he frowned.
– Yes.
– But... what kind of music do you listen to when you for example go to school?
– Basely melodic metal.
– Hm. Do you know me?
– No? – I asked back uncertainly.
He took a picture out of his wallet.
– Do you know this person?
– No, I haven't seen this person ever.
– You got the job.
– Really? – I asked surprised; couldn't believe my ears.
– Yes.
– Oh, thank you! – I looked at him thankfully.
– Here's our address, tomorrow at half past eight I want to see you at the door.
– I'll be there, I promise!
I came home happily and when I got here I was shouting Mom, Peter, I got the job! They were happy to see me happy.
– Was he a nice guy? – Mom asked.
– Yes, and as I could see he was a rocker.
– Oh, really?
– Where does he live? – Peter asked.
– Here – I gave him the paper.
– Ok, tomorrow morning I'll take you there but watch the way because later you'll go and come alone on foot. It's not too far away.
So now I'm so happy! In some weeks I'll be able to buy the dress I'd love to! And I'll know some people from here...
2nd July, 2013.
I couldn't sleep at night so I decided to write something into my diary. Mainly that I can't sleep because I'm looking forward to go to Tommy's house.
It's six o'clock. Now I'm going for a shower and then I'll to eat something for breakfast.
OMG, they were so friendly! Both the child called Emily and her mother, Amalia. I got there twenty past eight and Tommy introduced me to everyone. Emily couldn't speak English but as I've been here for a while I could explain her easy words and I could use body-language too. We were playing all day and watched cartoons – with English subscribe for me.
Oh, I just loved this day! The parents came home at six o'clock. Emily was absolutely happy to see them but Tommy told me that she had enjoyed the time we spent together.
2nd August, 2013.
Much time had been passed away since I last wrote something into my Dear Diary! I usually got home late and just fell into my bed, but today Tommy decided to send me home at two because he wanted to spend some time with his daughter. He gave me some of my salary but as it was a bit strange for me I asked:
– Don't you want me to work here anymore?
– No, don't even think about this! Emily loves you as her elder sister! It just got into my ears that you want to buy a dress – and as I could see you would need a pair of new boots too. So Amalia and I have decided to give you the money you need.
I have nearly hugged him when he continued:
– And we'll go on a holiday next week and Amalia wants to spend some time with me. In this month we have known you as a lovely friendly and straight lady – lady, I – and also Emily asked me for this, so...
Amalia just entered. She asked something from her husband and after his answer she turned to me:
– So we want to ask you to come with us to Hungary. You speak the language so you could translate...
I was on the verge of fainting and also over the moon. Of course I'll go!
– We have decided to visit your country because of you. We haven't heard much about it before you came into our life but we became interested in. We don't know much about the people from there...
– But they seem to be very hospital and friendly based on you – smiled Amalia.
– They are told to be – I answered.
– So will you come? – Tommy asked.
– I have to talk about it with my Mom I think. I don't want her to worry about me but I think I will.
– Okay, we'll leave this Sunday. Just call me about your decision – Tommy said at the end.
I got home with an enormous smile on my face. Mom and Peter asked me about the topic of my happiness – they didn't have to tell me twice to tell them everything.
By some time I have known who Tommy Rehn was: a famous musician from the bands Corroded and Angtoria. I trusted him.
– So do you want to go? – Mom asked.
– Yes, I would love to!
– You're over eighteen, so you're adult, you have to decide about your businesses but take care of yourself.
– I will I promise! Anyway – I continued – have you found a job yet?
– No, but I'm working on it. Don't be afraid, darling.
– I'm not afraid, I just don't want to talk about myself all the time – I said and kissed her right cheek before going to my room.
3rd August, 2013.
I went back to the shop I had been to a month ago. There was only one left of the dress I wanted to buy but that was my size and fitted me like gloves, so I bought it. Talking about gloves... I have found a pair of lace gloves, a corset and a pair of knee-high boots. The money that I received was enough to buy all of these.
But now I have to find all of my clothes I want to take with myself...
Oh, it's nine o'clock, and I haven't called Tommy yet!
OK, done. I'm glad and satisfied now. But thinking it over... I'm going home but I don't know where... ooo, I won't be stressed about it! Things will happen as they have to!
4th August, 2013.
Fortunately, I got to the airport in time. We got on the plane and some hours later we landed in Budapest. My beloved airport. I hate everything that connects me to my previous life. OK, I'm proud to be Hungarian, I'm just not proud of many other people being Hungarians as well. And now – I'm at home again.
On the plane I searched for a place where we could rent a car for a week; we went there by bus. Tommy wanted to speak to the man alone – he said he thought that he wouldn't need my help this time. The man told him a horrible price for renting a car – we could rent a car for that price in Sweden but when Tommy was about paying I began talking in Hungarian:
– Listen, I don't think that prices have been raised in a month time here...
He stood in front of me and stared at me like he hadn't seen white man before.
– I... I'm terribly sorry, Miss, I... I didn't know... I... I just thought...
– That foreigners are for fucking them over? Nice.
He told me a much lower price and we began our three-hours-long journey to Lake Balaton on the motorway.
– Well, I'm terribly sorry for the incident. Some of my compatriots are just like this. Of course I'm not so proud of them...
– Don't worry, there are people in Sweden like him as well – Amalia answered.
– Oh, no, traffic jam – again – I hit my forehead and moved my palm down slowly. – The third in an hour time.
– Don't worry about it... – Tommy started to say.
– In Hungary there are much traffic jams, standing in queues... partly that's why we are so impatient... And without this – I pointed out of the car with my head – we would be there by now.
– Oh, really?
– Yes, and now we can be happy that we've come in the late afternoon – the roads are stopped here between I think nine and six – because of the traffic of course.
We arrived to our hotel in peace and quiet and checked in at eight, then took the sleeping beauty to her bed and I went to my own room to have a big sleep. I have to get up at eight next morning – I still have to look after her on our holiday too.
5th August, 2013.
I couldn't sleep so I decided to write something here. It's just six o'clock and I'm awake now. Great.
I have checked for free WiFi and I could find! I took my sea blue netbook – named Arwen – with me so I have decided to make that new facebook account now. I uploaded those photos from my previous one which were newer and weren't connected to places and people. I also joined the groups I was in before – and where there were no people I have met, we just have had the same interests – and I added those "old" friends who I have never met but loved talking to.
But now I'm going for making a real person of myself and so I won't look like a zombie.
I've just realized that we're at the Golden Beach in one of the most expensive hotel! Google helped a lot! Ty! ;)
OMG, swimming all day with this wonderful girl is a very hard work to do! Respect goes for all who grows at least one child.
I talked with Mom some minutes ago on Skype and told her that I was OK.
6th August, 2013.
I slept like a log at night. Nothing other interesting has happened so far.
Oh, no! Amalia has told me that school would begin in two weeks, on the 19th of August. We have talked about school system and it's so... different. They go to primary school from the age 7 to 16 and secondary school isn't even compulsory! That's soo strange. So I'll go to a primary school's last class to be able to take final exams.
I've asked her about the school I'll frequent and she told me that it was the best choice we were able to make. She said that she knew somebody who had studied there. And I was pretty happy that it really was a bilingual school because I... let's say didn't really speak Swedish. We could say I spoke none.
7th August, 2013.
They've tasted some original Hungarian food like gulyás, fish soup and lángos (a type of pasta fried in oil spread with garlic and sour cream)... Emily for example didn't like garlic but ate everything – I mean food – we gave her so I calmed down that she wasn't a vampire! J
9th August, 2013.
Yesterday I had no energy to write but today they had a family program with me to translate. We went to the "high" Balaton Uplands and visited a castle which isn't actually a real castle it's more a piece of remains. We could see some idiot Hungarians playing with weapons and I somehow translated them. Then a man wanted to take me with him to try out one of the weapons – it was a part of the show – but I could explain him that I had to translate for this nice Swedish family.
Then we went to Tapolca to the Lake Cave. I've been here before so I told Emily not to be afraid of anything. While boating there I was chatting with Amalia and – I think – we became friends.
10th August, 2013.
It's our last day here, tomorrow morning we're leaving. We've planned swimming and sunbathing. The level of the lake was high so somebody always had to look after Emily – usually it was me.
Oh, heyo, I can hear she has just woken up. I think I'll have to take her to the beach after checking the level of sun milk on her body...
OOOOO! I'm so happy that we'll go home next day! I had met somebody – actually TWO people – whom I didn't want... Here the story is: I took the girl down to the beach to her parents and I went for a walk on the promenade. I started walking back after some time and I was about to reach my second family – the Rehns – when I could hear a familiar voice saying I love you so I immediately turned back:
– Ivor?
He was my ex. I was sure I heard him. And there I saw him stupidly smiling at me, holding my best friend's, Tara's hand:
– He... hello – he began in Hungarian. – I haven't seen you so far...
I was about shouting but I could keep it for myself.
– Didn't you tell me that... you would live in Sweden? – Tara asked. – What are you doing here? Did... did you lie to us?
I couldn't keep it inside anymore. It broke out from me:
– Who lies here? Because it's not me! Tara, you were my best friend! I told you everything! You knew how I felt when... when... And you?! I gave you my... everything! I gave you my heart, I gave you my VIRGINITY! And what do you do now? You fuck my... Argh! Go 'da HELL, guys!
I was about to hit them when Tommy appeared.
– Hey girl, calm down! – He saw that I was on the verge of crying so he continued. – Just come with me and tell me everything.
I followed him like a ghost. The whole beach was staring at me but I didn't really care. When we were far enough from those two he began:
– What happened? Oh, don't cry, please... – he hugged me. – Don't cry...
– He... he was my... my Love with... with capital letters, and... she was... my best friend. I... I knew... knew that... he had... cheated on me but... I... I hadn't thought... that she... was Tara...
– Shhh... no problem... they are not worth any tear... shhh...
Then and there he was like my father. I appreciated that he didn't want to do anything with them just told me that their damned life didn't worth ANYTHING. Especially crying. He could calm me down and finally I could turn back to that life of mine where there were no lies yet.
11th August, 2013.
In the morning I had some free time because I had packed my stuffs yesterday. I thought that it would be a great idea to call Mom on Skype. She was online.
– Hey, can you hear me?
– Yes, what about you?
– Same here – I laughed. – So, how are you?
– Fine, fine! But I'll be even better when you'll arrive home! When will you come?
– Today, if we're lucky – and I think we will be -, we'll catch the flight at 11.
– Yes, I think you will, traffic is better back to Budapest than to Balaton...
– You're just right.
– Darling, I have to tell you something. – She was chewing her bottom lip so she was nervous. – I'm pregnant.
– Oh, are you? – I asked a bit... shocked.
– Yes, isn't it... fantastic?
Somebody knocked on my door.
– Oh, I have to go now, bye! – I switched off my netbook as fast as I could.
Two hours later we were in a traffic jam – again, so we had no chance to reach the flight. And now we're at the airport waiting for our next plane. We'll get home late again.
Oh, no! Mom's at hospital, MOM'S AT HOSPITAL! I just got home and found Peter crying in the kitchen. I asked him about Mom but I couldn't get sufficient information. I didn't want to listen to the silence so I turned the TV on. I added subscribe and watched the news; I was nearly fallen asleep when the woman said:
– There were no survivals of the plane catastrophe of the flight from Budapest to Stockholm.
– What?
I could see the texts clearly at the bottom of the screen: Plane catastrophe on the way from Budapest to Stockholm. No survivals found.
I was staring at the screen. Peter came in that very moment and said:
– Anna thought that you were on that plane... and so have I. She got shock and... she...
– Lost the baby... – I finished.
– She's in... hospital.
He couldn't say them clearly. Those facts were more than what he could stand. He burst out crying again. He told me that she was still alive but the doc's hadn't decided if she could birth the baby or they would need to operate it out. Big deal, too big deal to decide suddenly but they have to decide, and decide well as soon as possible or Mom can die...
12th August, 2013.
Today I had to go to work again. It was a really unusual day: Amalia had stayed at home. She said that she had to talk with somebody who was far away now, so she had decided to stay at home.
I was looking after Emily but I just couldn't really concentrate. I was praying God to save my mother's life.
– Trixie! – I saw a palm waving in front of my face. – Are you OK? – Amalia asked.
– Yeah, yeah, I am...
– Then what's wrong?
– Hhh – I sighed. – Could we speak about it somewhere where she can't hear us?
– Yes, of course. Go to the kitchen, I'll follow you in a minute.
She asked something from her daughter and later I could hear the music of Cinderella. I was sitting near the table and so did she.
– So, What happened?
– Did you watch the news yesterday?
– Yes.
– Then you can remember there was a piece of news about a plane catastrophe.
– It was the flight we missed.
– Yes. My mother thought we were on that plane. She was pregnant.
– What do you mean by was?
– You know, she had lost the baby. Now she's at hospital between life and death.
– Oh, I sympathize with you, I don't know what would I do if my mother was in such a situation... would you like to visit her?
– We'll, go today after work with Peter. But thanks.
– You're welcome.
At six Peter and I were standing next to mom's bed. She couldn't say anything. She was asleep.
– Mom – I began in Hungarian. I thought if she heard me speaking the language she had taught me she would be better. – I'm here and I'm fine. I hope soon you'll be so. I love you.
When we got home I wrote these down and... now I think I'll fall into my bed and cry until I fall asleep.
13th August, 2013.
Today Mom had the operation. As she was over 45 she had to stay in the hospital so after work I went there as quickly as I could. I wanted to see her face, I wanted her to tell me that everything would be okay.
– I'm sorry, dear... – she looked at me with pain in her eyes. – I'm really sorry.
– No, Mom I have to apologize. I wasn't at home when you needed me. I...I'm sorry – I cried.
– Shh... no problem – she whispered. Enjoy life, don't take notice about my weakness. Peter's enough to do that. I want you to shine – she inhaled – like a star and tell me things that make me more and more cheerful. I want you to shine, honey...
– I promise I will...
– Khm... – a nurse cleaned her throat. – Madam, you should leave her alone.
– Okay, I'm going... I love you – I kissed her on forehead. – See you soon.
She didn't say anything just waved.
I got home as late as I have never ever before. I got lost in the town and my phone's fucking battery has reached an incredibly low level so it switched off. I had no money with me even to use a street phone, I couldn't check my map on my mobile and I didn't meet anyone on the street. Luckily – after an hour of hopeless walking – I met a guy who I was sure wasn't older than me and I asked him where the street I was living in was.
– My god, girl, you're damned lost.
– I know; you don't have to remind me.
He ignored my words and continued like I didn't just say anything:
– You have to turn back and follow this street until you reach the pedestrian street. Then turn right and turn left at the second corner but... you know what? I'm going to the pedestrian street so we could go together.
I wasn't sure it would be a great idea because I didn't even know him but as I saw – and I always see these things well – he was kinda rocker and I trusted rockers more than other types of people – mainly because I was so.
We were talking all way long and when we reached the pedestrian street he hugged me and made me promise I would add him on facebook. My first friend here! J Just friend, yes, he went to visit his girlfriend. But I'm so happy to know somebody here from my age...
14th August, 2013.
Tomorrow would have been the wedding's day but there won't be a wedding but a funeral. Yes, she died at the hospital at night. Her nerves couldn't get over of losing her son – again.
After work I told Tommy that I want to leave earlier tomorrow. It wasn't a problem for him, he told me thatwhen time comes just call Amalia and tell her to come home.
16th August, 2013.
It's nine in the morning and I can't sleep longer. We had mom's funeral yesterday. She was a Swedish citizen so she could be buried in Sweden. The funeral... it was... awful. I couldn't understand anything and her grave looked horrible – I'm sure she would have liked it. Our taste was so different – I was black and white and a bit boyish while she was colorful and pretty. But we loved each other as no one else.
My God! My God! My God! In the afternoon I went jogging and Peter went somewhere with his friends and came home just late at night – drunk. He began touching me so I escaped to the town. I had no idea where to go, I was hungry and exhausted, school was about to start and I had no place to sleep... The first – any only – idea that came into my mind at midnight in training clothes was to visit the only person about whom I knew where he lived and ask for a night I could spend in his house; so I hurried there and knocked at his door, looking like a beggar. The door opened in a minute:
– Yes? – the half-asleep Amalia asked.
– Hello... – I didn't try to smile.
– Oh, is it you? – she asked with a surprised face.
– Could... – I looked deeply in her eyes while fighting with my tears. – Could I stay here for a night?
– Oh, of course. Come in – he invited me in. We went to the kitchen and she offered me some cocoa.
– So, what happened?
I told her everything, sometimes holding a crying brake.
– The last thing she told me was that I want you to shine, honey... Can you imagine? – I asked not really from her but from myself instead.
– Don't you want to move back to Hungary? Don't misunderstand me, I love what you do with my daughter and I love your character just... that would be, I think, the most logical.
– I've already figured that out but I just don't want to go to a place where my life is based on a lie. I thought that I was living in a loving family but Mom had a desire for her school-love.
– So you have decided to stay in Sweden? I respect you.
– Thanks. Yes but I don't know how to do. I'll have to find a flat too. I don't want to live with that drunk beast anymore.
– Hmm... Tomorrow I'll ask Tommy about something. But now come with me to the guest room. And you should have a shower too.
– Hh – I sighed. – Thanks for everything.
17th August, 2013.
I wrote the second part of the happenings of yesterday on this day. You won't figure out what happened! No, because you're just a diary.
I woke up around seven. I couldn't sleep longer because my phone alarm rang. Meh, thanks... So I woke up and – after going to the toilet – I went to the kitchen. The whole family was there, having a discussion. I cleared my throat.
– Good morning...
– Hey, good morning, sit down here! – offered Tommy.
– Thanks...
– Do you want some bread for breakfast? Some butter? Cheese?
– Thank you but...
– You can accept, no... you have to accept! Just eat. You'll need some energy today too.
After having a brilliant breakfast Emily left for getting dressed. I wanted to offer doing the dishes but they rejected.
– Beatrix, I want to offer you something that I have never offered anyone. – Tommy looked deeply in my eyes that frustrated me a bit. – Partly because my friends had enough money and weren't women.
– What would you...?
– I want to offer you to live in this house until you can afford an own one.
I couldn't say anything else but eer. I couldn't believe that it happened with me. A rockstar offered me to live in his house.
– So would you like to? In this case you'd become Emily's au pair.
– How could I refuse? Oh, my God, I can't believe that it happens with me!
They smiled and told me to call Peter to tell him that I was moving. It was Saturday so they were at home all day, on Saturdays I usually didn't work. We packed all of my stuff as before moving to Sweden and came here – Emily was the happiest about my moving.
And now I'm here in a room which became mine.
19th August, 2013.
Today was the first day of school where – of course – I couldn't go because of my other responsibilities. It was just a ceremony of the new school-year's beginning. I prefer the school-ending ceremonies...
20th August, 2013.
This was my first day at a Swedish school. It would have been pretty cool if a boor girl – named Ellie – wasn't in my class. First I had to go to the director and ask her for my timetable. She gave me and I went to my first lesson: Literature. As I stepped into the classroom every head turned into my direction and I glanced – her.
– Class, she's our new classmate who came from Hungary – the teacher said. – Go and take a seat somewhere.
I went to the rocker part of the class and sat down. During my way I went past her and I could hear her telling her friends: The gay has just gone away and a Goth comes to his place; but I didn't really care what she thought about me. I sat down at a free seat.
– Khm – the teacher cleared her throat. – As you sat down you should get up and tell some things about yourself.
I sighed long while getting up.
– Hi everyone, my name is Beatrix and I came from Hungary as you have heard. I'm eighteen years old and I only speak English; sadly, my Swedish is pretty poor yet. I prefer arts and humanities to scientific studies. I like metal music but I think that's pretty obvious – I chuckled, thinking of my clothing. – If you're interested in anything else just ask me after classes. Thanks for the possibility to talk – I sat down. Yeah, nowadays I became more and more phlegm – thanks to people who ruined my life.
I realized that the guy who helped me some days ago to get home was in the class too. His name was Eric anyway. After classes he introduced me to his friends and to his girlfriend. They were pretty nice and I offered them a beer. Eric and his girl, Carina came but the others went home instead. After having our beers in a pub we went home too but I picked Emily up before; who told me her day at the nursery – she was so cute! I'm getting better and better in Swedish but I don't think that any day I would be able to say anything in Swedish, I'm better at listening yet.
21st August, 2013.
Today I recognized that there was a half-Hungarian guy in my class. After lessons he invited me for having a drink with his friends and I accepted because I was happy to hear some Hungarian voices. Someone from the company was especially kind to me: Norbert, my classmate's elder brother, who studied IT in a secondary school. We could get on very well, when I had to go – in the middle of our chat – I even gave him my phone number. He was the first non-family-member who knew my number before my Skype or my facebook.
After I took Emily home and I finished my homework my phone rang. I answered:
– Yea? Who's that? – I asked in English, the language I usually used to communicate.
– Hi, I'm Norbi – he answered in Hungarian.
– Oh, hello! Wassup?
– Nothing much I just wanted to ask for your facebook name since I can't find any Beatrix Bíró who lives in Sweden.
– Ooo, I'm up there named Bea Richter! You know I didn't want my old acquaintances to stay in touch with me.
– Oh, thanks! I'll add you soon and we can continue chatting there, OK?
– Right, bye!
– Bye – he hung up.
I switched on my netbook immediately and I found a friend request sent by him. I accepted ad we began talking about useless things and in the end we agreed that on Saturday we would meet each other, because I didn't have much time earlier.
24th August, 2013.
I think if nothing interesting happens I shouldn't write anything here. But today it has happened. So: Norbi and I met in his favorite pub. Some others were there too so we had a pretty big company. Later, when Norbi ordered me the third beer I figured it out that he wanted it to be a date, you know, a rendezvous. He was nice and cute but I wasn't interested in him so far. He was too a macho type for me I think. He saw me home because he didn't want me to get lost – he has already heard my story about getting lost from Eric. Thank you, thank you. I didn't really want to show him where I lived – that would show where my new family lived -, so when we reached the corner of the street I stopped.
– So, it's time to separate from each other...
– Do you know which house to enter? – he smiled, came closer and took me by my waist.
– Listen, you're cute and everything but...
– Yes? – his face came closer too. I knew what he wanted.
– Wait, wait, I don't think I'm ready for this. – I took his hands down from my body.
– All right, then... bye – he kissed me on my cheek.
At home I fell into my bed and fell asleep. We met at the pub at six and we were there for more than four hours, I'm sure. I had a key for the house so it wasn't a problem if I got home late, but still.
26th August, 2013.
At school I hurried to Eric; he was amazed of my behavior but I could explain with a single sentence.
– Did you have a clue that he wanted something from me?
– Who and what are you talking about?
– Norbi! You remember, we went to the Strong two days ago together! Don't look at me like this, you were there too!
– Oh, oooohh! I can remember! I don't know.
– What?
He laughed a short before he explained:
– I mean I didn't know he wanted anything from you until you came here and asked.
– Oh, did I scare you?
– No, no, you just came with so big voice that I couldn't do anything with – he continued laughing while we went to our lesson.
27th August, 2013.
Carina asked me to join her after school. She wanted to buy a tee for herself and none of her friends had time. It was a surprise for Eric and also – being a male – he couldn't wait as long as he would have had to. I told her that I would have to go at last at four for picking up Emily that made her a bit disappointed but she accepted.
At the first shop she had found the one she wanted to and – after half an hour trying and Do I really need this? – she bought it. She eve offered to come with me to Emily's nursery school but I rejected. I knew that it wouldn't be good if somebody figured out whom I worked for.
13th September, 2013.
It's Friday the thirteenth and I'm really interested in what will happen today. I'm not superstitious I'm just curious. But it's time to get up now so I think I'll write something in the evening next 'coz Norbi has asked me to join him when I finish with my responsibilities at home and I just can't figure out what on Earth he might want. And also sorry for being so lazy that I barely wrote anything for two and a half weeks but either I was with friends or at home but the essence is that I didn't have time.
He did it! He DID it! HE DID IT! You may ask: who and what? I'm telling you: we went to a cinema and watched a scary movie (that I couldn't remember, partly because I hated horror and thriller and partly because I didn't concentrate on the film), then we ate at the McDonald's. He was flirting with me all the time but I didn't mind 'coz I liked him too. Later we went to a playground and swung for some time. It was late at night so he offered to take me home with his new car. I made him to stop at a park because its fountain was beautiful in the evening. We sat down near and watched its beauty and not much later he touched my hand. We looked at each other's eyes and wanted the same. Yeah, I know three weeks ago I wrote that I wasn't interested in him but he behaved like a puppy with me so I couldn't say Go away and don't try to contact me anymore. so simply and I also didn't want to. When he got really close to me he asked me a question after a short and confused laughter:
– I know you'll think I'm a fuckin' idiot but I have to ask you before I could kiss you because its importance will depend on your answer: would you like to be my girlfriend?
I couldn't say anything understandable.
– So no? I can understand you, you just came here some months ago and don't really know me but...
– Yes.
– What?
– My answer's yes. I would like to be your girlfriend. I have to face my feelings.
For some seconds we smiled to each other and then he kissed me. It was fast and strong – as I enjoy it.
After watching the fountain for some more minutes he took me home. He kissed me again at the corner – I didn't let him closer to the house – and then went home. I stepped into the house with a huge smile. The family was having dinner so I joined them but I smiled more than I ate.
I think Friday the thirteenth will be my fortune day from now.
21st September, 2013.
Today Norbi took me to one of his friends – they wanted to know his girlfriend who's said to be beautiful and smart. They were having much vodka which I hated but I drank some vodka-orange which was a bit better. They helped me a lot to understand drunk-Swedish.
23rd October, 2013.
It's a national feast in Hungary, a remembrance-day for those who had died in the revolution in 1956. I was a bit more Hungarian today than I usually did.
26th October, 2013.
We had a party at Andy's house (the guy who we visited a month ago), then my bag nearly got lost when we went to a concert and I had to look after the others' stuff.
27th October, 2013.
I'm loving Norbi more and more! He took me to his parents and HE cooked! It was, hmm, delicious! His parents are very nice people; his mother's a nurse and his father's a doctor, no wonder how they met...
2nd November, 2013.
It's All Saints Day today in Sweden. Andy, Norbi and I went to a rock concert and it took me half an hour to realize that that was THAT concert Tommy had been talking about for months! I wanted to be anywhere else even on a thump-thump party but not there. I wished myself and Norbi to the Hell but it didn't happen. I noticed Amalia and Emily at the backstage and I wanted to faint. When Norbi looked at me he asked if I needed another drink but Andy could see that I felt horrible so he held my shoulder and went outside and asked me if I needed a taxi but I told him that I could call one for myself.
– No, you can't even speak Swedish! – he disagreed. – I'll call one for you and I'll stay here until you get in, 'kay?
– Of course – I looked at him surrendered. I knew that I couldn't go home and I also couldn't survive here. While he was asking for a taxi with a chauffeur who could speak English I was wondering how I could solve the problem but I couldn't figure out anything useful or at least useable.
The taxi reached us and I got in, then Andy gave me some money and he went back inside.
– So where should I take you? – the driver asked.
– Well... nowhere. Here's the money thank you for coming! – I gabbled and got off. He looked at me like people usually look at idiots and went away but I already had a plan. It was night and cold and I was wearing just a hoodie so I called Amalia immediately.
– Yes? – she answered for my third call.
– Hi, I'm just right here where your husband gives a concert. Could you somehow let me in?
– Of course just wait a minute – she hung up.
Ten minutes later a gorilla came with her. He gave me a V.I.P.-pass and we went to the backstage together.
– Are you fine? – she asked when we got in. – Aren't you cold?
– No, I'm not cold, everything's okay – I lied. I was a bit cold maybe I caught cold too and my boyfriend was a dick to me.
– How could you get here? Didn't you tell me this morning that you would hang out with your friends?
– Yeah, but we ended up here! You know sneeze I don't want them know I work for you. Better for you because your home's location isn't widely known and better for me because they like me for who I am.
– Right. So you planned to stay here?
– Exactly. Oh, are you sleepy? Come here, Emily and sleep here, OK? – I asked the last sentence in Swedish. Amalia looked at me suddenly.
– Did you...? – Amalia asked.
– What if I could say a sentence in Swedish? I was thinking about it for a minute – I laughed.
– It's like being with... – I couldn't understand the last word Emily told her mother but she looked at me sadly and let out a long sigh. I couldn't do anything with it so I shrugged my shoulders, smiled and hugged Emily.
We got home really late and fell into bed. I'm writing all next morning.
3rd November, 2013.
Norbi called me to argue about my disappearance yesterday. I told him that Andy called a taxi for me and I came home in peace and quiet. Of course I didn't mention that two hours had passed between the two activities and I caught cold too. He made me promise that I wouldn't disappear without telling him anymore.
He couldn't remember that I wasn't fine. I have an idea that he sometimes smokes funny-cigarettes. I know this type I have done it on my sixteenth birthday but it have been enough for my entire life.
21st November, 2013.
I was right when I thought he smoked weed. I told him to choose between that shit and me and he told me that he would stop smoking it. I really hope so because I don't want to lose him because of an idiot drug.
6th December, 2013.
We broke up. I found him at his home smoking weed. And he also offered me some! I was fed up with him and asked for his mobile to delete my number from it just as I did with his. Then I went home and ate chocolate and ice-cream and watched "Shakespeare In Love". I couldn't find any other clearly romantic film on my netbook. When I finished somebody knocked at my door so I powerlessly turned my head into that direction.
– Yeah, anyone's that, just come in! – I yelled.
– Hi – stepped in Amalia. – What are you doing?
– Awh, is it you? I was watching a film but I'm ready yet. Why?
– Well, I just wanted to tell you that it's snowing outside and you should come out with us.
– Okay, I'm getting dressed in a minute.
I dressed up warmly and went out, it was the first snow of this winter after all. It came late.
We were playing in the snow for two hours bathing poor Tommy and I got a part of it too. I hope I won't catch cold again, it wouldn't be funny.
7th December, 2013.
Of course I caught cold! What else could have happened?! I can be happy that I like every kinds of tea 'cause I drink it about ten times a day. But I'm really tired now so I'm going for having a dinner and I'm going to bed after.
8th December, 2013.
Still sick and today I had a temperature too. I'm happy that I haven't infected the family yet.
9th December, 2013.
Emily's looking forward something – I guess Christmas.
12th December, 2013.
Better today! I could stand an hour without coughing and blowing my nose. I hate doing that – I'm allergic! They also allowed me to cook some food for myself. I made some semolina-pudding and I put some cranberry-jam into it. It was so delicious that I had to share on facebook... ^_^
It was Saint Lucia's day today and Emily dressed like her. She was so cute. ^_^
16th December, 2013.
– We have to tell her!
– But not yet! It wouldn't be good for her, because...
Today I could hear Tommy's and Amalia's debate of telling somebody something. Of course as they spoke Swedish I couldn't understand much. I don't know whom they have been talking about but I hope it's not me because – as I've already written down – I hate living in lies.
19th December, 2013.
I went for shopping some Christmas-present for my family. I bought just some décor-stuff for the adults and a pink plush bear for Emily with her name written onto it. I also bought a reindeer for myself and named it Kevin. Now he's my best friend and I also sleep with him.
20th December, 2013.
OMG, Tommy told me that tomorrow a family-member would come from Japan for spending Christmas with them. His name was Kevin – as my reindeer! – and he was one month younger than me. Tommy asked me to go to the airport and wait for his flight's landing there with a board written Kevin with pink onto. I couldn't really say anything for pink, I thought that maybe it could help the guy discovering it because there weren't usually men names written onto boards with pink. Meh, I miss my old life a bit where I always knew what happened why; but I can't leave my family and my work here, I have to take responsibility for my actions.
21st December, 2013.
Finally, I got a big pasteboard and I looked after some highlighters and some colored pencils. I wrote his name onto the paper with pink highlighter, then decorated it, and draw a manga-panda eating some bamboo on the left and a Christmas-tree with presents on the right. I showed my art to the family, they appreciated that I had drawn something onto – it wasn't so simple and boring.
His flight will land at eight pm. so I've had time for getting ready for the meeting. I have no certain idea why, but I don't want to ruin his first impression of me. And in ten minutes from now I hopefully will sit in a taxi.