AN: You know how all authors have at least one crack fic. Well, here's mine. Welcome to interview with the oh Great and Amazing Dark one- aka: Voldemort. The Dark Lord of Harry Potter. Lord Voldemort gets really mad when you don't call him by his title. Heaven forbid that the populace of the world call him by his name!

I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters, just the random crap you see written here. Rated M for language of Lord Voldy and the Interviewer. And this is not for Twilight Fans! Repeat, not for Twilight fans. Or Michael Jackson fans. Maybe continued, no promises. But hell, entertainment, is entertainment.

Bold: Interviewer

Regular: Tom Riddle

What was your first murder victim?

Dark Lord: A rabbit. What? I'm serious! The only thing worse than mudbloods are rabbits. They're disgusting red eyes, ill kept, buck-toothed monstrosities… hmm… reminds me of that mudblood who's been following Potter around all these years.

Who, other than Harry, would you consider your mortal enemy?

Dark Lord: Besides Potter? Death is the only significant opponent. That and Politicians.

What is your favorite movie?

Dark Lord: What's a movie? Sounds like a disease.

If you could be any creature magical or otherwise what would you be?

Dark Lord: A dragon… Of course I'm not serious you idiot! That's like waving a red flag and shouting "Shoot me, shoot me!" Actually if I could be any creature I would be a basilisk. I never liked looking at people anyway. Especially you.

When you were young who was your hero?

Dark Lord: When I was young I didn't have very many heroes. They rever returned my letters.

That must have been hard on you.

Dark Lord: Oh, I was okay with it. Especially after they started to disappear.

Disappear?

Dark Lord: That's right. They just up and vanished.

Well then. (Not that I believe you) moving on to my next question; have you ever been in love?

Dark Lord: Of course I have.

That's it? That's all you have to say?

Dark Lord: That is all I will say on the subject.

Was she (or he) hot?

Dark Lord: She was very hot.

Did her name start with a "B"?

Dark Lord: No.

Oh. What's up with you and Bellatrix anyways? The world wants to know.

Dark Lord: The world can go and get bent. She's strictly a servant with benefits. She's loyal and very hands on.

I see. So…No uh…

Dark Lord: Like I said, a servant with benefits.

What's one plus one?

Dark Lord: What kind of question is that? It's obviously two.

What is the square root of pie?

Dark Lord: 3.15

Are you a virgin?

Dark Lord: No, I am not.

Are you or have you ever been a member of a communist group?

Dark Lord: I am a free thinker.

Are you an anarchistism member of a snarchist group?

Dark Lord: Anarchristism have a group? Doesn't that defeat the purpose?

Does the dark side give out cookies?

Dark Lord: We used to.

Will you add me as a friend on Facebook?

Dark Lord: What the Hell is facebook?

Are you republican?

Dark Lord: What is that, a curse?

If you could live forever what would you live for?

Dark Lord: Isn't that from Twilight?

You know about Twilight?

Dark Lord: Lucius Malfoy was hosting a book burning. He burned a lot of those. Said there was zero plot, zero individuality, and was a vampire book with zero vampires.

Lucius Malfoy read Twilight?

Dark Lord: He was probably reading it to find the pretty pictures.

As a wizard you can make anything appear out of thin air?

Dark Lord: Everything except food.

Then why do the Weasleys have so many children? Can't they say "Accio" condom?

Dark Lord: What's a condom?

You've never hear of Trojan?

Dark Lord: Like the horse?

Now I understand why there are retarded wizards?

Dark Lord: You better not be speaking about me.

Uh… Of course not my lordiness.

Dark Lord: At least you didn't say "highneass" because then I'd feel fat.

You feel fat?

Dark Lord: You think it's easy looking as gread as I do?

You would make Michael Jackson Proud.

Dark Lord: Sounds like the name of a child molester.

=Ahem= Close enough. What's your favorite color?

Dark Lord: Pink.

Really?

Dark Lord: Of course not you idiot! I wear black ever day.

You heard it guys! Voldemort is not gay!

Dark Lord: OF COURSE I'M NOT!

Do you wish that you had a nose?

Dark Lord: It works for me, I think. No one's disagreed.