"I can't believe she kept these," Serena murmured as she caressed the spines of the books on her daughter's bookshelves. "I thought that she had no use for them."
Bernie came up behind her, resting her hand on her shoulder, and Serena glanced up, giving her a wobbly smile. Her partner let out a soft sigh as she crouched down next to her, taking a look at the books she was talking about. "Some of these are quite old."
"That's because some of them were mine, when I was little. My mother gave them to me, wrote my name in the covers to mark them as mine." She pulled out one hardback and opened the cover to see her mother's handwriting. "Though a few were my mother's books, from her mother. Now they're mine again."
Serena pursed her lips together as she fell into Bernie's open arms, letting her cradle her close to her chest. They slowly lowered themselves to the floor, and Bernie rocked her back and forth as she struggled not to give in to her tears. Edward had been very kind in allowing her to have first go at the flat, but she still hadn't realized that it would be quite this hard to tidy up the life of their daughter. And she was so glad that Bernie had agreed to come along with her, as if she had known that Serena would need her close to get through this.
"So, we're going to need a few sturdy boxes to bring these home with us. I'll go see what there is in the car?"
"Okay," Serena murmured as she started to tug the books off the bottom shelf, caressing each one as if it were on old friend of hers. It didn't surprise her one whit that her Ellie was a Mills and Boon girl, and there were a few titles that she recognized as having mentioned in passing, ones that she had enjoyed. Taking out a particularly liked book, she scooted back against the wall and opened the cover, scanning the first few pages until she came to a letter marking her favourite passage.
Pulling the paper from the envelope, she let out a little sob at the sight of her own writing. Ellie, I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you, and all the hard work you're doing at school. I know things are hard, but you have your grandmother's backbone, so I know that you'll get through anything. I love you, darling.
And that was all it took for Serena to completely break down into deep sobs. Pulling her knees up close to her chest, she held tightly to the sheet of paper, not wanting to lose that contact with her little girl. She felt more than saw Bernie slide down next to her, and blindly, she sought out the comfort her knew her partner would offer. As Serena rested her head on Bernie's shoulder, she took a deep breath and handed the paper to her.
"And how long did she keep this?" Bernie whispered before kissing the top of Serena's head.
"Since she took her GSCEs. I knew that she was stressing out about them, and I had been hard on her, so hard, because I wanted her to do well. I knew that she could do very well, she was brilliant. But I was never one to tell her so, my mother wasn't, either."
"But for some reason, you wanted her to know that you were proud of her before those exams." She nodded. "Because you are a good mum, and you love her. She never doubted that, and don't let any lying voice in your head try to tell you differently."
Serena bobbed her head once more as she slowly stretched herself out, her body molding itself to Bernie's familiar shape. "She used it to mark her place in this book. But, the thing is, I've read this one, too. And that was my favourite spot. I can't help but think that that's Ellie's way of talking to me from wherever she is."
"Of course it is, Serena." Bernie kissed the top of her head once more. "Do you want to take a break? We don't have to get this all done at once, you know."
"I have to be done with this. Please, tell me you understand?"
Bernie pulled away from her a little, and Serena tried not to flinch at the removal of her warmth. And then, her lover was cupping her cheek, letting her thumb run back and forth across the bone as she looked deeply into her eyes. Serena found that the longer they looked at each other, the more tears were running down both their cheeks, and she sighed a little as she leaned her head in, resting their foreheads together. "I can only understand in part, darling. But I will do whatever you need me to. I will not leave you, unless you ask."
"Okay," she whispered before pressing a quick kiss to her lips. Then she pulled away and held her hand out expectantly. Bernie nodded as she handed over the letter, giving her a fleeting smile as she got to her feet. Serena slipped the letter back into the envelope and then put it back into the book before handing it to Bernie.
A small nod from her gave Serena the needed push to start pulling more books off the shelves and hand them to her partner. It was a surprise to see how many books Elinor had acquired about the Second World War, but that had been Adrienne's interest, too, so it made a sort of sense. Elinor had loved her grandmother so, and Serena had felt at times that they were closer than she and Elinor could ever be.
As the books were packed away, Serena found herself wondering what Elinor had thought about each one, and a firm resolve took shape in her mind, to read each of the books that were new to her, in honour of her daughter. It would take a long time, especially once she was back to work, but it was something she was determined to do.
"All right, I'm going to run this box out to the car. Why don't we take a small break for tea?"
Serena nodded as she drew in a deep breath. "Okay." She wasn't really hungry, but a part of her knew that she needed to eat, needed to keep her strength up. Getting to her feet, she brushed her hands off on her trousers before traipsing over to the sofa and taking a seat, curling her legs beneath her as she stared unseeingly out the window.
Bernie patted her shoulder gently before picking up the box and slipping out of the flat once more. Serena worried her lip between her teeth as she thought about how much she was grateful for Bernie's strong support over these last few weeks. There was no way that she would ever have been able to do this on her own. Her mother's death had been hard enough to deal with, even with Raf getting her drunk in her office. It had been nice, but in the long run, it hadn't been exactly what she needed.
She must have gotten lost in her thoughts, since she jumped a little when a large hand closed around her shoulder. Looking up, she smiled a little into Bernie's open face. "Where were you?"
"Thinking about my past. And how grateful I am for you." Serena leaned her head back to rest against the top of the sofa, pouting her lips a little. Bernie nodded and gave her a tiny peck before reaching out her hand expectantly. Serena stood up and clasped the proffered hand, threading their fingers together as they made their way to the kitchenette.
Bernie opened the refrigerator and pulled out a bag from Greggs, handing it to Serena. She set the bag on the table and sat down in a chair as she rustled through the bag, finding that her partner had managed to pick up her favourites, and she groaned a little as her stomach decided to pipe up and let her know that she was perhaps a wee bit hungrier than she had wanted to admit even to herself.
"I brought that godawful jasmine tea from home."
Serena turned her gaze to Bernie, seeing her put the kettle on the stovetop to let the water boil. "It calms me, Bernie. And it's not that bad. At least I don't drink green tea." She made a slight face before opening up the box of chocolate brownies, picking one up and taking a small bite. A little giggle slipped from Bernie's lips, and she arched an eyebrow before taking a larger bite.
"Trust you to go right for dessert."
"Little pleasures are all I have right now. Let me have this." She hadn't meant her words to come out sharp and jagged, but once they were out, she couldn't call them back. Bernie stiffened a little before letting her face slip into a blank mask as she turned back to the kettle. "Bernie?"
"I keep saying the wrong things to you. I keep hurting you."
"Oh, darling, no. I'm just so tender. Come here." Bernie drifted over to her side, and Serena tugged her down onto her lap, the solid weight of her body anchoring her to the moment as she nuzzled her face against the fabric of Bernie's jumper. "I feel like I'm in a skiff, and somehow I've managed to get washed out to sea. There's a small light in the distance, and I keep rowing towards it, but the current tugs at me, pulling me away from that light. Pulling me away from you. My sorrow is so deep, Bernie, so overwhelming, and I don't want you to feel like I'm suffocating you with my feelings, because I don't know what I'd do without you by my side. I don't mean to be sharp. I don't mean to hurt you. I just can't fathom my life without you, too."
She started crying once more, and Bernie bundled her close. Serena felt her lover's body shake, and knew that she was crying, too, and that tore at her heart a little as she clung tighter to her Bernie. "I don't want you to think about that possibility, ever. You're mine, you're the one, and I would do anything in my power to keep you safe."
The whispered words sunk into her soul, and Serena nodded as she allowed herself to focus on Bernie, to draw in the warmth of her breath against her skin. The kettle went off, and Bernie slowly extracted herself from Serena's arms, as if she was loathe to let go of her, and Serena gave her a wan smile as she slumped a little in her chair as she watched Bernie fix their tea.
"I'd ask you to take your previous spot on my lap, but it's rather hard to eat like that." Bernie gave her a small nod as she set a cup before her. Automatically, Serena wrapped her hands around the thin porcelain, letting the heat of the water seep into her cold hands. "Bernie?"
"Hmm?" she asked as she took a seat across from Serena, opening the bag and pulling out a sandwich for herself.
"I love you."
They'd always danced around those words, but Serena knew that she had to get them off her heart, since she knew, more than ever, that a person wasn't promised tomorrow. The quick, joyous, smiled that flitted across Bernie's features told her that she had said exactly the right thing, and she couldn't help but smile in return.
"I, I love you, too." Serena closed her eyes as she, too, smiled briefly. It was so lovely to hear the words that Bernie showed her every day, and she turned her face down to the table as she opened her eyes and started to eat what Bernie had bought her. Their meal was a quiet affair, something that suited Serena well, since she didn't know how much of a conversation she could carry on at the moment. Things were shimmering at the surface of her heart, and she didn't want to break down on Bernie once more. "It's okay to cry, darling."
She looked up suddenly, feeling her mouth fall open a little in astonishment. It was still uncanny just how well Bernie read her, and she gave a little nod as she allowed the tears to pool in her eyes once more, pushing away the last half of her sandwich, finding herself full. "I, I'm going to head back into the living room and finish up the bookcase."
Bernie nodded, letting her get up and flee without comment, something for which she was eternally grateful. Serena found herself stumbling over the corner of a box and she caught herself on the sofa, thudding painfully to her knees. The sharp burst was enough to bring her completely to the present, and she sucked in a deep breath as she fought to keep back tears. She was tired of always crying, but that seemed to be her go to emotional release these days.
Her partner came up behind her, silently helping her up. Serena accepted the help, allowing Bernie to lead her to the sofa and help her sit down. "What would make you feel even a smidgeon better about this, Serena?"
She turned her eyes towards the book shelves, a tiny smile curving her lips upwards as they alighted upon the Harry Potter series. "Would you read to me?"
"Of course I will. What book do you want to hear from?"
"Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone."
Bernie nodded and went over to the shelves, pulling off the book before coming back to her side. Taking a seat, she patted her chest, and Serena nodded as she scooted in close, resting her head on Bernie's chest as she threw one arm around her waist, nuzzling her cheek against the soft fabric of her partner's shirt. Bernie cleared her throat before opening the book and starting to read. "Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive,d were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much…" And as Serena listened to her speak, she felt a certain calmness settle of her heart, ink stained memories of the times she had read the books to her daughter washing over her as Bernie's voice settled into her soul.