It was around noon on a Friday and the kids from the fourth grade classrooms 7&8 were lining up in the cafeteria to get their lunches before heading off to their respective tables.
The popular girls were giggling away at their little clique in the middle of the cafeteria, the fifth grade boys were leering at the fifth grade girls and making suggestive comments and the sixth graders were completely absent as they had gone outside to smoke and to read porno magazines. But one particular table is the focus of this random story…
"So I called the White House and demanded to be put on to the president and y'know what they said!?" asked an outraged Leroy Jenkins.
Lizzy grimaced at the meat on her fork before replying with an uninterested "No. What."
"They told me I couldn't talk to him! It's a conspiracy I tell ya!" Leroy slammed his fists down on the table causing Francis (who'd been texting on his Smartphone) to jump.
"Jeez Peter! Try restrain yourself!" exclaimed the brown haired boy.
"Y'know who's good at restraining themselves? Craig." Said Jason in that creepy fan-boy admiration tone.
"You guys I'm serious!" snapped Leroy "And don't call me Peter Francis!" he spat.
"But you look and sound so much like Peter Griffin." Francis whined.
"Francis if you don't shut up you'll never learn how to stop the aliens from invading your thoughts!" snapped Leroy.
"So how long til we're all hiding in the attic staring at the TV and wearing tinfoil hats?" asked Lizzy with a smirk.
"This is nothing to joke about Lizzy!"
"Yeah," she scoffed "Cause those fart harvesting aliens are gonna come down from space and nab us all, huh?"
"The aliens are already among us! They look like lizard people but their in human skin!" whined Leroy (some people REALLY believe this. I AM NOT JOKING)
"Lizard people aliens? Like gorn from Star Trek?" asked Patty Nelson through a mouth full off baloney sandwich.
"Star Trek has nothing to do with this!" Leroy stressed "This is real!"
"Give it a rest Peter Griffin." said Dogpoo in a monotone voice "Can we just go one day without your alien conspiracy theories?"
Leroy opened his mouth to reply when Jason suddenly jumped up with a squeal.
"OMG! There's Craig! Gotta go!"
Immediately the fan-boy dashed off, eager to please his idol.
"Craig! Hey Craig, gimme some skin brother!"
Jason's sudden appearance caused different reactions among Craig's gang. It caused Tweek to jump and let out a little yelp, Clyde rolled his eyes, Token raised his eyebrows in befuddlement while Craig just flipped the fanboy off.
"C'mon bro don't leave me hangin!" said Jason in an over-the-top cheery voice.
"I'm not your bro Jason-"
Jason immediately squealed "OH MY gosh he said my name! SQUEE! I HAVE to Tweet this!" The boy immediately whipped out his phone and started to type.
Craig looked Jason over for a few seconds, deciding whether or not to invite him over to the popular boys table for the third time that year. After all Jason did do Craig's groups laundry and fetch them their lattés and take the blame for all the bad stuff they did. Maybe they should give the guy a break?
Jason pocketed the phone "Oh BTW Craig I was inspecting your bedroom door last night while you were asleep and I couldn't help but notice how squeaky it was, should I oil it for you perhaps?" he asked with a creepy and pleading (but mostly creepy) smile.
"…Fuck off and don't talk to me, call, text, PM, email me or post on my Facebook page at all today." Without waiting for a response Craig turned and walked away.
"…I LOVE you CRAAAIG!"
And so with a merry grin on his face the freckle faced boy skipped back to his table where Patty, Dogpoo, Lizzy, Scott, Francis, Leroy and Kevin (not Kevin Stoley but some other background kid in a yellow shirt) all sat looking either embarrassed or amused.
"-and if we don't take a stand now we will be sold into slavery!" Leroy slammed his fist down on the table (a bad habit of his that had led to many an argument) "But, oh wait! We're already slaves! The American government thinks it has the right to own us, to-"
"Jesus fudge-sucking Christ will you shut up!" snapped Lizzy "Why not talk about spotted hyenas or the unrivalled intelligence of crows or -OH I know!- we could speculate on the amazing home-seeking ability of pigeons!"
Lizzy's outburst was followed by a brief uninterrupted silence.
"Uh Lizzy, some of us don't really care about animals as much as you do." Lisped Scott Malkinson.
Kevin, who was normally a quiet boy lowered his sandwich and asked "Why can't we just talk about football? Or maybe Wrestling?"
"Wrestling's fake." Pointed out Patty immediately.
"So is Indiana Jones and Star Wars and every other movie you nerd over." Said Lizzy slightly annoyed. As an afterthought she muttered "Negative dogbark Sasquatch" under her breath.
"You know what we should talk about? Les Miserables! It. Is. Epic." Said Francis.
"I would have loved to see that but I didn't." said Dogpoo woefully.
"Why didn't you go see it?" asked Kevin naively.
"Because I'm dirt poor and my parents don't give me an allowance seeing as they hate me." Pointed out Dogpoo sourly.
"Oh..." said Kevin immediately looking away in embarrassment.
"Now Dogpoo your parents don't hate you." Soothed Francis.
"They named me Dogpoo."
"I thought that was a nickname!?" said Francis in shock.
"Nope, just good old-fashioned child abuse!" said Dogpoo in a cheery sing-song voice.
"Well you can always change it when you grow up." Pointed out Patty.
"Yeah that's what someone I know is going to do." Said Leroy before winking.
"Who?" asked Kevin.
"He means himself." Lizzy said accusingly.
"No I don't!" said Leroy before mouthing the words They could be listening! at Lizzy.
The group continued to sit and finish lunch in an unheard of, yet soothing silence for the next two minutes.
"Sooo, who's up for a game of tetherball?" asked Francis.
Not really sure where I came up with this from, I started it about a month ago, forgot about it, then just finished it all in one go tonight while I was bored and desperate to write something. If you don't know who the background characters are then look them up on the South Park archives.
I have a few other stories that I started then lost inspiration for (I have the attention span of a chicken, which BTW are AMAZING animals so I'm sorry for sorta dissing them) but hopefully they'll all turn out like this one. Especially one I have planned where Craig and Tweek go on a HETERO double-date.
Live long and prosper- \\ /_
- IhateMarySue'sSoooooMuch -