A HART-FELT THANKSGIVING
BY
BOB WRIGHT
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This will be the Survivor Series special; while I do endeavor to show the entire card as I did for the Summer Slam story earlier, for sanity's sake, I'm going to relegate all but the main event story to an intended storyette to be published after I complete the primary one.
As you could probably ascertain from the title, the Hart family will feature strongly in this one. I will admit openly that the depictions of them as shown here were drawn in part from Bret's autobiography; if in any way Bret was erroneous therein in describing his family, be it by accident or design, I do apologize to the affected parties, and within the context of this story, the portrayals of the Hart family (including Julie Smadu-Hart) should be considered essentially ficticious even if drawn from real life.
All wrestlers' personas and trademarks are copyrighted by World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. And now, happy Thanksgiving...
NOT THAT LONG AGO, IN AN ARENA NOT THAT FAR AWAY...
"The temperatures are cooling down, but the action is most definitely heating up heading into the Survivor Series. We welcome you to a Survivor Series special edition of Prime Time Wrestling, coming to you tonight from inside the lovely Calgary Stampede Olympic Saddledome, host site of this year's event. Hello again, Gorilla Monsoon here along with Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan," Monsoon frowned at his broadcast partner, decked out in cowboy attire, "and Brain, I'm wondering, as I'm presuming everyone at home is, why you're out of uniform again..."
"Well partner, they say Calgary's a darn big cowboy town, so figured I might as well fit in, yeeeeeee-haaaaaaahhh!" Heenan proclaimed in a faux cowboy accent, "Here, hold still, I want to show everyone another example of corporate branding."
He thrust a (mercifully unlit) branding iron at Monsoon. "Will you stop!" Monsoon shouted, shoving the iron away, "You're pathetic, Brain, you know that? Anyway," he turned back to the camera, "This Thanksgiving night, the Survivor Series will once again be coming into your living rooms, and this year, the action will be even larger than before, as World Wrestling Federation president Jack Tunney announced last month that, on a trial basis, there will be six members on each team this year rather than the previous four or five. Tonight, we're going to break down the matches for you as they have been drawn out..."
"Speaking of drawing, I can draw a gun faster than you can," Heenan challenged his broadcast partner.
"Oh really?" Monsoon rolled his eyes.
"Watch and learn," Heenan bent his arms over his hips in the traditional gunslinger style right before a shootout in the streets-then grabbed the nearest pen and quickly drew a picture of a gun on a scrap piece of paper. "Bang, you're dead," he declared, pretending to fire the "gun" at Monsoon. Monsoon groaned in frustration and crumpled the paper up. "The team captains were selected just after Halloween; earlier this week, they sumbitted their selections for teammates to Jack Tunney's office, and now each team is official," he continued, "Let us then take a look at each match that has been locked in."
He turned towards the monitor behind them as the first matchup slid into place on the screen. "In our opening match of the evening as planned out, the team captains are none other than the former members of Strike Force, Tito Santana and Rick Martel," he related, "No real surprise there if I do say so myself; given all the bad blood between the two of them since Strike Force imploded, it only makes sense they'd want another crack at each other."
"I don't know what's running through Santana's mind; Martel's more than proven himself the better man every time they'd met since the team broke up," Heenan said firmly.
"You of course overlook the fact, Brain, that most if not all of the Model's victories there were of dubious quality," Monsoon raised an eyebrow, "They will captain the following teams: the Magnificent Matadors, also featuring Tito Santana's teammate in the Mega Powers Rock 'n Wrestling Connection the Big Boss Man, 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff, Brutus 'the Barber' Beefcake, the Native American warrior Tatanka, and the Junkyard Dog; and the Model's Marauders, which besides Rick Martel himself, Brain, features your man, the mighty Hercules, Razor Ramon, Greg 'the Hammer' Valentine, Bad News Brown, and Sycho Sid Justice."
"And there's no denying that's a pretty good team," Heenan declared, "Rick Martel definitely made some good calls, particularly with Ramon, who has more machismo than Santana does in his little finger, and of course with Sid, who makes it clear to everyone he rules the world."
"In his own deluded mind, maybe. You're forgetting, though, Brain, that the Model's Marauders may well have a weak link in Bad News Brown, whom at past Survivor Serieses has proven an untrustworthy teammate who frequently walks out on his team."
"Those were all misunderstandings; I talked to Bad New Brown earlier; he's much better about working with others now."
"Only time will tell. Our next matchup," Monsoon waited for the next two teams to come on the screen, "features the Ultimate Warrior's Ultimate Warriors..."
"Talk about bad naming, huh; if you need any proof how empty-headed the Warrior is, there's your answer," Heenan chuckled, "I wonder if he came up with that name while looking at himself in the mirror while drunk?"
"That makes no sense at all, Brain," Monsoon rolled his eyes in disgust, "The Ultimate Warrior's team also consists of George 'the Animal' Steele, Koko B. Ware, 'Superfly' Jimmy Snuka, Hillbilly Jim, and the Red Rooster. They will be facing the Rock and Rollers, captained by the Honky Tonk Man, and featuring the Canadian Strongman Dino Bravo, your man King Harley Race, the Magnificent Don Muraco, Adrian Adonis, and Doink the Clown."
"Easy advantage there for the Honky Tonk Man's team; the Warrior couldn't have put together more of a joke team if he tried," Heenan laughed.
"You may be laughing now, Brain, but never underestimate the power of the Ultimate Warrior to make things happen. Of course, extra incentive for the Warrior to do good here; we've seen he's been trying to gain admittance into the Mega Powers Rock 'n Wrestling Connection for some time, and if he does survive this match and do well, perhaps World Wrestling Federation Champion Hulk Hogan will give him a look. All right, after that will come our tag team special. Team number one will be captained by the WWF tag team champions Legion of Doom, and locked in as members are former champs Demolition, the Bushwhackers, the Rockers, and the U.S. Express. The sixth team was to have been the Killer Bees, but as seen on last week's Superstars of Wrestling, this happened after the Bees' last match," he and Heenan turned towards the screen as the relevant footage came up...
"...an easy victory here for the Killer Bees," announcer Vince McMahon related to the public, "B. Brian Blair and Jumping Jim Brunzell looking quite happy at their latest win..."
"Aren't they always so perky?" color man Jesse 'the Body' Ventura grumbled, "I don't see what they have to be so glad about; they don't..."
"Wait a minute, what's this; the Nasty Boys coming up the aisle; what's that they've got in their hands?" McMahon frowned at the sight of the mohawked punks charging towards the ring.
"Looks like baseball bats to me, McMahon," Ventura opined.
"Turn around, Mr. Blair, Mr. Brunzell, they're...would you look at that; Nasty Boys bash the Killer Bees over the head from behind; what a sneak attack!" McMahon roared in outrage, "Nasty Boys beating down Brian Blair and Jim Brunzell in the ring with those baseball bats...and look at this, here come the Powers of Pain too!" he noticed the giant, facepainted Warlord and Barbarian running in next, "And what's...they've got lead pipes...!"
"Wow, Mr. Fuji and Jimmy Hart really had their men prepared, McMahon..."
"Powers of Pain on top of the Killer Bees as well, belting them with the pipes; what a cheap shot!" McMahon shouted in rage, "There is no reason for this; this goes beyond sport...!"
"What do you mean there's no reason for this? I have the pipeline to backstage; the Nasty Boys and Powers of Pain are probably going to be on the same Survivor Series team, and it stands to reason Blair and Brunzell would be on the other, so they're simply making sure the Bees' team is one team down."
"And you really think that's fair when the Killer Bees have done nothing to hurt either the Nasty Boys or the Powers of Pain, Jesse?"
"Hey, you win whatever way you can, McMahon..."
"Nasty Boys and Powers of Pain continuing to beat down Brian Blair and Jim Brunzell with the bats and pipes; somebody should get in here and stop this right now...!"
"I think we've seen enough of that," a green Monsoon turned away from the monitor.
"Well, I think the Bees deserved it," Heenan declared, "They go around putting their bee masks on when it's convenient to confuse the other teams; this is divine karma coming back on them."
Monsoon glared at him. "I'll pretend, Brain, you meant that in a nice way," he said as calmly as he could manage, "At any rate, B. Brian Blair and Jumping Jim Brunzell have announced earlier this week that they will in fact take their doctors' advice and will not participate in the Survivor Series due to the injuries sustained in the sneak attack you just witnessed. Shortly thereafter, we received the announcement from the manager of team captains Legion of Doom, 'Precious' Paul Ellering, that he has in fact chosen a replacement team to take the Killer Bees' place, but will not reveal them until the night of the match."
"There you have it, more sneaky maneuvers by the leader of the so-called world tag team champions," Heenan complained, "Ellering does this all the time; he's probably putting a literal six hundred pound set of gorillas in there to get his revenge."
"He would not do that," Monsoon rolled his eyes, "I've known Paul Ellering for years; he would not stoop to that level. Anyway, as our colleague Jesse Ventura hinted in the clip you just saw, both the Nasty Boys and the Powers of Pain will in fact be on the team opposing the Legion of Doom's team; in fact, the Nasty Boys have been selected as team captains. Those two teams will be joined by your best teams, Brain, the Islanders and the Brainbusters, as well as the Fabulous Rougeau Brothers and the Mega Mercenaries, the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff. The latter might be the weak link in the Nasty Boys' team, I do think, with the Iron Sheik just coming off the three month suspension he got for deliberately hitting the referee in the face with Freddie Blassie's cane at Summer Slam; I think he'll be rather rusty from that long a layoff."
"I think the Sheik got a bum deal there," Heenan protested, "I don't think what happened at Summer Slam was deliberate at all; Jack Tunney's had a vendetta against the Sheik for years, and found a flimsy excuse there to suspend him."
"Oh really, and I suppose referee Dave Hebner just accidentally fell into the path of the cane, which the Sheik should not have introduced into the match in the first place?" Monsoon raised his eyebrows. "Moving on, after the tag team action, you will then see team captain 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper and Roddy's Rowdies, also including Sergeant Slaughter, 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan, the American Dream Dusty Rhodes, the Texas Tornado Kerry von Erich, and Tugboat. They will be facing arguably the biggest Survivor Series team ever assembled, the Natural Disasters, led by team captain Earthquake, and featuring Yokozuna, King Kong Bundy, Big John Studd, the Ugandan Headhunter Kamala, and the One Man Gang."
"Kudos again to my esteemed colleague Jimmy Hart; he and Earthquake set out to put together the best Survivor Series they possibly could, and they have; I predict this may be the first time in recent memory that an entire team survives," Heenan predicted confidently.
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Brain; after all, neither Yokozuna nor Kamala have really worked in team efforts too often, so they could trip up Earthquake's team in the end. And then, once all that is said and done, it'll be the big main event: the Mega Powers team, to be managed by the lovely Elizabeth, captained by World Wrestling Federation champion Hulk Hogan, and featuring the remaining members of the Mega Powers Rock 'n Wrestling Connection not paired off on other teams: Macho Man Randy Savage, Hitman Bret Hart, the British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith, Andre the Giant, and Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat. They will face in turn the Million Dollar Team, consisting of the remaining unpaired members of the Million Dollar Corporation: team captain Ric Flair, the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase, Jake 'the Snake' Roberts, the Undertaker, and your guys Mr. Perfect and 'Ravishing' Rick Rude."
"We're all ready to go!" Heenan pumped his fist in delight, "My fellow managers and I have been pushing the Million Dollar Team to the limit to get ready for this match; we've never been more ready, and the Hulkamorons on the other team are going down and going down hard!"
"And I suppose you'd be prepared to really go the extra mile to make sure of that, am I right Brain?" Monsoon raised his eyebrows again, "That's right, don't think I don't know what you and the other managers of the Million Dollar Corporation do in your spare time."
"So what if I do?" Heenan pouted, "We'd have good reason to, what with Jack Tunney clearly showing his bias for the Mega Powers team by having Stu Hart referee the match...!"
"Ah yes, the announcement by the WWF that Stu Hart, wrestling legend and father of the Hitman, will in fact referee the main event; but I don't think you should worry, Brain; I've known Stu Hart for years, he is a very fair judge of character, and I can guarantee he will call this match right down the middle even with his son across from you."
"So you say, Monsoon, but I don't believe it; it's a grand conspiracy against us...!"
"Too bad; you're the only one that thinks that way, Brain. And that's the Survivor Series matchups for you for this year," Monsoon turned back to the camera, "Remember to call your local cable provider and request the Survivor Series for your Thanksgiving evening. We'll be back in a moment with more World Wrestling Federation action, and wish the best to all particpants in the Survivor Series and that they have a happy Thanksgiving when they arrive here in Calgary..."