"You do too!" insisted Marlene.
"Oh yes," Lily rolled her eyes, "I'm in love with James and we're going to get married on July 31. Be there."
"You mean I don't get to be your maid of honor?" asked Marlene, pretending to be hurt.
"Sure," said Lily.
"I think that should be our new codeword," said Marlene.
"What, 'Sure'?"
"No, 'July 31' for you liking James!"
"If you say so…" Lily agreed dubiously. "Hey, look, it's Squirgle!"
"Oi, Squirgle, July 31!" Marlene yelled out.
"What color is your car?" Squirgle asked.
"Huh?" said Marlene.
"It's more of a greeting than an actual question," Squirgle explained. "So, what's this about Lily's wedding, eh?"
"How did you know?" Lily asked incredulously.
Squirgle shrugged. "Lucky guess. So you're really getting married, huh?"
"No, no I'm actually not! It's just that we were having a conversation about it just now."
"About what?" asked Squirgle.
"About the wedding!" Marlene exclaimed.
"I thought there was no wedding?"
"There isn't!" Lily sighed.
"Oh. Okay. Gotta run. Just remember that my name's not Squirgle, mkay?"
"What?" asked Marlene and Lily simultaneously, but not-Squirgle had already left.
"Why are we friends with her?" asked Lily, only half-joking.
"Because she's our dorm mate and it's easier than not being friends with her," said Marlene.
"Oh, right," said Lily.
"What's his name?" asked Marlene, pointing to a blond boy who was sitting in a corner of the common room, reading a very large book.
"Lionel Lovegood, a fourth year. He's a little kooky, but very sweet," said Lily, expecting Marlene to explain why she had asked.
"How on earth do you manage to know everyone in the whole school?"
Lily shrugged,"Why did you want to know-"
"Oi, Lionel!" shouted Marlene.
"Marlene, he's reading! And other people are trying to do their homework!" cried Lily.
"Oh, stop being such a prefect," she said to Lily, then resumed her shouting, louder this time, "Lionel!"
Lionel looked up. "Yes?" he asked quietly.
"Does July 31 exist?"
Lionel looked ponderous for a minute. "30 days has September, April, June, and November…" Lily heard him muttering under his breath. "Yes," Lionel concluded finally.
"Told you!" Marlene said triumphantly to Lily.
Lily just stared at her friend for a second, then decided to humor her. "Yes, yes you did tell me."
"So you admit you like him!"
"No, Marlene. Lionel Lovegood agreeing with the existance of the day July 31 is in no way related to my feelings for James," sighed Lily.
"So you admit you have feelings for him!" cried Marlene.
"'Feelings' also includes negative feelings and neutral feelings."
"Oh, you know what I mean."
"No, in fact I don't. I only know the denotation of the word 'feelings'," said Lily, intentionally being annoying as a way of getting back at Marlene.
"You're intentionally being annoying to get back at me, aren't you?"
"Trying to read," Lionel mumbled.
"What's that?"
"It's when you assimilate information from letters on a page," Lily said smugly.
"Huh? I didn't hear what Lionel said," Marlene said in puzzlement.
"TRYING TO READ," Lionel said a little (okay, a lot) louder.
"Oh. Er, sorry, we'll just, uh, take Marlene's insane accusations elsewhere, then."
"Uh, yeah," Marlene agreed sheepishly without really hearing what Lily had said. "Hey, wait a minute, my accusations aren't insane!" she exclaimed.
Lionel slammed the book down onto his lap, which probably hurt quite a great deal given the large size of the tome. He rolled his eyes and sighed exasperatedly. "Ladies, if you really need to know if Marlene likes this boy--"
"If Lily likes this boy," Marlene corrected.
"--if Lily likes this boy, all you have to do is toss her in the Great Lake, and see if she floats or sinks. If she floats, she likes him, and must be killed. If she sinks and drowns, well, it's kind of a moot point, isn't it?"
"Lionel, I think you're a little...confused..." Lily said, looking more than a little frightened.
"Oh, what a lovely idea!" Marlene said enthusiastically.
"We ARE not throwing me in the Great Lake!" said Lily.
"You're just saying that because you don't want us to know that you like James," said Marlene.
"No, I'd just prefer to stay alive!" cried Lily, now hyperventilating.
"Wait, the boy in question is James Potter?" asked Lionel.
"Who else?" said Marlene.
"Well that changes the matter entirely," said Lionel knowledgably.
"How so?" asked Marlene.
"Well every knows that redheads can't like boys with two syllable last names," said Lionel.
"Really?" asked Marlene.
"NO!" cried Lily, "This whole thing is ridiculous!"
"Oh then you do like him?" asked Marlene, grinning.
"No!"
"That would be impossible," pointed out Lionel.
"What if we dyed her hair?" Marlene asked thoughfully.
"That wouldn't help. Girls with dyed hair never like boys whose names begin with J. Hey, wasn't I in the middle of reading or something?"
"Yes," Lily answered.
"Maybe we should get James to change his name," Marlene said, lost in thought.
"No, it's probably that girls with green eyes never like guys with changed names anyway," Lily said, rolling her eyes.
"Nearly, but not quite. That's girls with big feet you're thinking of," Lionel put in.
"Marlene, are my feet big?" Lily asked worriedly.
"Uh, if I say no, you can still like James after we get him to change his name, right? Right. No, then."
"But I don't like James anyway!" insisted Lily.
"You do too!"
"This whole thing is going nowhere! Why am I even still having this converstaion?" said Lily.
"Actually, that's a good point," said Lionel, "You think one of the authors would have had the plot progress by this point."
Lily sighed, "You know, I hoped we might've gone one story without breaking the fourth wall, but apparently not."
"Sorry," said Lionel sheepishly.
Just then, James entered the room, thus moving the plot along.
"Hi Lily!" he said enthusiastically upon seeing her.
"No," said Lily.
"I don't think that was a yes or no question, Lily," said Lionel.
"She was anticipating the answer to my next question," James explained, ruffling his hair arrogantly. There was a pause.
"Which was...?" asked Marlene.
"Uh, Lily, will you marry me? Oh, wait, no, drat, the answer was no!" James regained his composure. "Lily, will you NOT marry me?"
"No, I will not marry you, now go away."
"That answer confuses me," James said, looking on the verge of whining and/or pouting.
"I have to go wash my books now," Lily said, and started to leave.
"Lily, wait!" Lily didn't wait for James.
"Yes, good thinking. I try to wash mine daily," Lionel added.
"Hey, Lily, uh, Lily!" Lily ignored James.
"Don't they get wet if you wash them?" Marlene asked.
"Liiiilllyyyy!" Lily didn't like whiners.
"Not if you use Dr. Bluhm's Cleansing Delight of Dried Soapwort and Crushed Pixie Toenail."
"Lily!" Lily had already entered the girls' dormitory.
"Is he really a doctor?"
"Lily." Lily didn't hear James' pathetic sobbing of her name.
"It's a she."
"Oh, sorry. Is she a medical doctor?"
"Lily's a doctor?" asked James.
"It's not your fault that patriarchy is ingrained into our language. And yes, she is."
"What are you guys talking about?" whined James.
"That sounded like something Lily would say."
"Oh, is she a feminist?" asked Lionel.
"Lily's a lesbian?" cried James in shock.
"No, James," said Marlene.
"But Lionel said..."
"Never mind, James, it's time to let the adults have adult conversation," said Marlene.
"I'm more of an adult than that kid, what is he, twelve?"
"I'm 5,197 days old at the moment, and change of course, since today's not over yet. Twelve was rather a poor guess."
"I meant years, tosspot," James said scornfully.
"Ah. Er, you do mean Earth years?"
"YES," James said.
"Oh. I have 14 years."
"That was a rather odd way to phrase it," Marlene observed.
"Yes, I suppose it was," Lionel agreed.
A door creaked open.
"Er, could you kindly keep the noise level down?" Lily asked from the doorway.
"What happened to the soundproof charms?" Marlene asked.
"Nothing," Lily hissed.
"Oh. Right," Marlene replied, playing along with whatever Lily was up to.
"So, er, just out of curiousity, what were you talking about? I mean, I'm just wondering, it's not like I was worried you were talking about me or anything. Heheheh?" Lily laughed nervously.
"We were trying to establish how old Freak Boy is," James said with a scowl in Lionel's general direction.
"TIME TO MOVE THE PLOT ALONG!" Marlene said in her best drill seargant shirley voice. And then we figured out what happened next.
"He's fourteen, of course," said Lily, not bothering to move the plot along at all.
"Don't you mean 'Don't call him freak boy'?" asked Lionel politely.
"Oh, right," said Lily, "Don't call him freak boy! His name's Lionel, and he's much less of a freak than you, you arrogant- uh- tea strainer?"
"Your insults are a little lacking today," pointed out Marlene unnecessarily.
"It's because she loves me!" cried James happily.
"Why has the logic gone?" cried Lily in despair.
"But what is logic, really? Isn't reality just what wwe accept as reality?" said Lionel.
"You were just looking for an excuse to get philisophical, weren't you?" asked Marlene.
"There wasn't one! He said that completely out of the blue!" cried Lily hysterically, "You guys are all crazy! And don't you dare say 'What is crazy'!" she said to Lionel.
"I think we're making Lily hysterical," said Marlene in a stage whisper.
"I wonder if she's giong to have a nervous breakdown like Remus," James whispered back.
"Huh?" asked Marlene and Lionel, feeling a little bit left out of the loop as they hadn't been in that fic.
"Remember when Remus got just like Lily is now, and -- Oh, right, you weren't in that fic," James said a little sadly. "Well, it would have been nice if you had been."
"Thanks," Marlene said.
"Thank you," Lionel said.
"I'm still here," Lily said.
"Are you Remus?" James asked.
"What?!! I'm not even wearing a sweater vest! How on earth could you mistake me for Remus? I have BOOBS, James, BOOBS! Remus doesn't have boobs!"
"Well, it's hard to tell sometimes, seeing as robes are pretty loose-fitting..."
"Are you expecting me to get even more hysterical and strip for you to prove I have boobs?"
"Yes? No?"
"Well too bad! I won't tolerate another hackneyed plot device aimed at incorporating mild nudity in a fic!"
"Hey, look, I stripped down to my boxers..."
"Huh?" asked Marlene and Lionel.
"Other fic," James told them.
"It's not my fault you're a manslut!" Lily exclaimed. (manslut is like guyfriend only different)