but I love you, a harry potter fanfic

Dumbledore had given him this mission, to watch her, make sure she wasn't affiliated with anyone that would compromise them, make sure she stayed safe and then, most importantly, convince her to join them, the Order of the Phoenix.

She was top of her class, Head Girl, spoke four languages, top ministry job just five years after she graduated. And he had a viable reason to stalk her.

He wasn't sure when he fell in love with her, but he knew how he felt. He had been watching her for just under a month, and Dumbledore had given Gideon access to her house, her office, her entire life, all without her having the slightest idea. Then, just as he was flirting with the idea of approaching her in a non-mission related setting, it happened. They came for her.

They sent Malfoy. Apparently they knew each other back at Hogwarts, they were in the same year, Heads at the same time. For some reason, Gideon was lead to believe surprise, she let Malfoy into her house. He smiled at her, asked her simple questions, nothing too personal. Nothing that fit for the sort of tea that took place in her kitchen. Gideon's hand was tightened so much on his wand he was drawing blood with his finger nails from his palm. And then Malfoy asked.

"So Dorcas."

"Yes Lucius?"

"I am not here on a strictly personal matter."

"Oh?"

For one of the brightest witches around, she was being rather dense.

"You are not going to make me spell it out for you, are you?"

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're implying, Lucius."

"We want you to join us."

"Join you where, my dear?"

His face tensed. "The Dark Lord wants you."She smiled, and he relaxed instantly. "I knew you would agree."

"Well you were mistaken, Malfoy."She grabbed his tea cup out his hand and got up swiftly, dumping the remaining liquid down her sink. "You can leave now." She ushered him out of the house, pushing him at odd intervals.

His face turned sour as he tried to look at her as he stumbled through her entry room. "You do not say no to us, Meadowes."

"Well, love. I'm afraid I just did."

"We will be back."

She rolled her eyes.

"The only reason you are not dead right now is because of the purity of your blood and the instructions I have to let you mull over the idea for a while."

"Get out of my house."

"You're a brilliant witch, Meadowes. It's plain stupid to try to defy us."

She rolled her eyes again. "I was a Ravenclaw, not a Slytherin. Self preservation isn't the highest of my priorities. I believe in doing what's right. Tell your master that for me? Thanks darling." She gave him one last push out of the house and slammed the door behind him.

She quickly locked the door, and sunk down, breathing heavily. Her composure finally breaking.

"Get your bloody ass over here!" She yelled.

Gideon was startled.

Was she talking to him?

"Yes I'm talking to you, you daft prick!" She stood and pulled out her wand.

He shifted his weight from foot to foot before he moved out of the living room, and was standing right in front of her.

"Take off that invisibility cloak and show yourself!" She pointed her wand directly at where he was standing. "Accio cloak!" He was prepared for this though, and his hands held the cloak firmly in place.

She snarled at him, "Show yourself, or I'll stun you into next week."

He was out of options, he couldn't apparate out of her living room because of security she had placed around her house. He slowly removed the cloak. He shoved his hands in his pockets and tried to think of something to say.

"'Lo."

Her eyes appraised him, scrutinizing him from his feet to his red hair. He felt his cheeks flush. She narrowed her eyes at him.

"It's Gideon Prewett, isn't it?"

He nodded.

"Well," This time it was her turn to blush, "I assumed it would have been..."

"What?"

"Someone else."

He sent a confused look her way.

"Someone more female." She looked away from him. "I mean, I've been changing in front of you for the past month."

This time it was his turn to blush. "I closed my eyes." She stared at him, and under her scrutiny he shrugged. "Most of the time." He could tell she was trying not to smile at that, she turned slightly, but still watched him out of the corner of her eye. "So you know I've been here for the past month?"

She nodded, "So did I pass?"

"Pass?"

"Whatever it is that Dumbledore sent you here to evaluate. You obviously aren't here to protect, you managed to do absolutely nothing when I had a Death Eater sitting in my kitchen."

He looked at her, highly offended. "I needed to see what you would say to the offer. If you were going to say yes I'd have no reason to be here."

"If you thought there was even the possibility of me saying yes, you shouldn't have been here in the first place." She said, venomously at him, her eyes narrowed once more.

"I'll tell Dumbledore the recent developments, and see what he thinks we should do now." He waved his wand to produce a Patronus, his Jack Russell Terrier ran out of the room. He sat down on the couch in her living room and motioned for Dorcas to join him.

"Thanks for your hospitality." She muttered rolling her eyes.

"Well this has been where I have been sleeping for the past month."

She made a face at him. "This is probably the most uncomfortable place in the whole house to sleep."

"You don't have to tell me that."

She smiled at him, and his heart soared. No bloody way did he fall in love with her- no. Not even a possibility. She sighed and leaned back her head on the couch.

"What do you think is going to happen?" She asked, with her eyes closed.

"You'll probably have to move to Headquarters, to keep you safe. That's usual protocol in these situations."

"Great." She muttered.

"It isn't all bad. I mean, I live there too, and you're always the first to hear about things, the first to know when back up is needed. The first to get to go." He grinned.

She smiled back, that sounded, well, exactly what she was looking for. She was tired of just sitting around, doing nothing, while people around her died. This blood war made her sick.

She was brought to the Order of the Phoenix's headquarters later that night, with all the personal belongings she dared.

Her and Gideon walked in to the kitchen were several people were sitting, chatting over tea. Dorcas was introduced to Marlene McKinnon, who she instantly clicked with, Gideon's brother, Fabian, and Benji Fenwick. They had all been at Hogwarts around the same time, several years before Dorcas though, and while she had heard of them from a young age (being prefects, and Quidditch stars) they had only heard about her from what Dumbledore had mentioned. The banter was fairly one sided, with Dorcas monopolizing the conversation as she answered endless questions they had for her. She couldn't help but notice the way Gideon smiled at her jokes, and laughed a little bit louder than she thought was necessary, but maybe that was just him, just the way he was.

Death was haunting their every step, and slowly their numbers were fading. Dorcas knew what she had signed up for, and never complained once. She smiled when Alice and Frank fell in love, and watched Benji skirt around Marlene until finally getting up the nerve to ask her out. But Dorcas herself sat on the sidelines, having no one to give her heart to. Gideon couldn't bear to haunt her with his demons. If he only realized that she was already being haunted by the same ones.

"I didn't know they let angels in the Order of the Phoenix." Sirius Black sauntered up to Marlene and Dorcas months later at an Order meeting. Mad Eye Moody had just given yet another riveting speech on constant vigilance. The newbies sat on the edge of their seats, taking in every word with a nauseating excitement. Dorcas and the other veterans showed a polite respect, but didn't listen to his well rehearsed speech past the first few lines. Well, except for Benji, who mouthed the words along with Moody for a slight comic relief. Even that got old after the 4th time.

Marlene McKinnon couldn't stop the giggle that escaped her lips at the young man, but managed to roll her eyes, saving some dignity. Dorcas laughed slightly and shook her head.

"I didn't know we were letting kids in either. Looks like Dumbledore likes to keep us all on our toes."Dorcas teased.

Sirius scoffed at the word kids.

"Kids? Excuse me, my lady, but I am no child."

Dorcas looked him up and down. "Oh-kay." Marlene giggled again, and Dorcas grinned back at her. "How old do you reckon?"

Marlene looked him up and down in a similar appraising manner. She twisted her face and tapped her finger to her chin, calculating. "Eighteen?"

This time he looked really offended. "Nineteen!" They laughed loudly at his hurt, making him even madder. "What are you then?" He looked at them, "40 or something?"

"Well I never!" Marlene hissed. She poked his chest, and not gently.

"Ow!" But Marlene didn't stick around to hear his painful cry. She stomped across the room and sat purposely next to Gideon and Fabian Prewett. Dorcas turned back to the boy in front of her.

"She's a little touchy, she just turned 30."

"And how old are you?"

She smirked at him. "97. Give or take."

Another boy with painfully messy hair walked up to them.

"Hello." He smiled at her. "I'm James Potter. Don't judge us all by Sirius here." He clamped an arm on his friends shoulder. "And this is my wife Lily Potter," He gestured to a beautiful red head to his right, "and Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew."

"I was unaware that the Order of the Phoenix had turned into a day care." Marlene said loudly from across the room.

"Dorcas Meadowes." She nodded toward Marlene, "And that's my best mate, Marlene McKinnon."She looked at them, daring them to comment on her friends show of, er- maturity.

"You were Head Girl when we were in second year, right?" Lily asked, smiling at the woman, ignoring Marlene.

"I was Head Girl, and I suppose, judging by Mr. Black's lovely declaration of his age, second year wouldn't seem improbable."

"So you're 24!" Sirius yelled, triumphant. Dorcas rolled her eyes and threw her long blonde hair over her shoulder. Sirius grinned at her, and moved towards her, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"

"And be carted away to Azkaban for statutory rape?" Dorcas stepped back, "I'd rather not." She turned and walked away. "Later Kid." She twiddled her fingers at him.

Sirius grabbed his heart and mockingly fell onto Remus' shoulder. "Moony! I'm in love!"

"You shouldn't encourage him." Gideon Prewett handed Dorcas a drink as her face, flushed from dancing, turned and grinned at him. It was one of the rare instances they had for celebrating. Alice and Frank Longbottom had just gotten married, and were blissfully happy.

"What?" She asked, smiling.

"Black. You're just giving him false hope."

"I don't know what you're talking about Gid." She laughed and sipped her drink.

"He fancies you, and you're letting him twirl you around the dance floor like-" He stopped. She looked at him, confused and laughing.

"He doesn't fancy me. All he wants is a snog, probably a quick shag, and that's all." She turned and looked at Sirius, who was now twirling around the dance floor with Marlene. "I find him refreshing." She said, serious now. She looked at Gideon. "He isn't haunted, not like me. Not like you."

Gideon shook his head and began to argue with her again.

She cut him off. "None of his friends have died. He is... like a sun. He's like my personal sun." She smiled forcefully at him. "He hasn't been broken by this war, not yet, and I admire him for it."

"But I-" want to be your personal sunshine.

He couldn't say it. He couldn't do it. He wanted to. He let her slip from his fingers, just like he had numerous times before. Black came over and swept her away again, back laughing to the dance floor.

She lay awake, tossing and turning. Images of Benji Fenwick's dismantled body were the only thing she could see when she closed her eyes. After she finally fell asleep, her mind was haunted with nightmares. She woke late that night in a cold sweat, silent tears streaming down her face. She forced her face into her pillow to stop her scream from waking the whole house. She sat up in her bed, thinking, wondering, debating. She silently slid out of her room, closing the door with a slight creek behind her. She stood in front of the two doors opposite hers, wondering which way, which one. Who would be able to help her forget the best? Who would erase these memories, even if just for a couple of hours? She turned the door handle to Sirius Black's room, passing by Gideon Prewett's, and silently creeped over to his bed. She put a cold hand on his face, Sirius' eyes slowly opened, an easy grin formed on his face.

"I'm either dreaming, or wishes really do come true."

"Hey Kid."She muttered quietly.

He sat up, and looked at her, still grinning. She couldn't help but smile back, it was infectious.

"One night only." She whispered into the darkness. He placed his hand behind her neck and slowly pulled her in for a kiss.

"Whatever you need, Angel." He whispered back into her lips.

"I thought this was a one night thing?" Dorcas could hear Sirius smirk as she snuggled into his chest, and he wrapped an arm around her, for the forth night in a row.

She scrunched her face up, "Yeah.. about that..."

"Not that I mind or anything." His fingers danced over her arm.

"I bet." She laughed slightly before turning serious. "I need to be honest with you about it though. You help me forget about everything. I know, that's horrible, and if it's something you don't..." She searched for a word, "appreciate, just let me know, and I'll stop." Her stomach clenched at the thought.

"Angel," he laughed easily, "don't worry about shagging me at all. I mean, it is quite a burden, but I-" He was cut off when she punched him in the stomach.

His bark of a laugh rang out. She sh'ed him as she smiled into his chest.

The next morning Dorcas sleepily rolled out of bed and grabbed the closest clothes she could find. Sirius stirred in the bed before stretching and rubbing his eyes. She paused slightly and watched his movements. He grinned cheekily when he noticed her gaze.

"See something you like, Meadowes?" He flexed his arms at her. She rolled her eyes and jumped back on the bed laughing. She bent down and kissed him as she reached for the pillow. She pulled away and hit him in the face with the pillow before he had a chance to respond. After a second he reached and grabbed her middle, pulling her down onto the bed and tickling her. She screeched loudly, before laughing hysterically.

He stopped suddenly and sniffed. "You smell that?"

"What?" She huffed, trying to regain her breath.

"Bacon." He jumped up and pulled on a jumper and then some trousers. He grabbed her hand and pulled her off the bed, pulling her into a hug and swinging her around in a semi circle. She laughed again and as he opened the door and pulled her out. She looked up into the eyes of a very surprised Gideon Prewett, who had just come out of his room next door.

Sirius grinned, "Howdy neighbour!" Dorcas bit her lip and shook her head slightly as she looked down. Lily and her stupid muggle films. "Coming down for breakfast?" He sniffed again before grinned at the two of them, completely unaware of the awkwardness. Gideon was looking up and down at Dorcas' apparel. Sirius' boxers from the night before and an oversized Quidditch shirt. His face tightened.

"I'll meet you down there, I need to change." Dorcas smiled at him. Sirius bent down and kissed her cheek before running down the hallway.

She walked across the hallway and entered her room. Gideon stopped her from closing the door behind her and followed her in.

She sat on her bed and pulled on some socks from the floor. She didn't care they were dirty, she just looked anywhere other than at Gideon. She finally gave in after she pulled a jumper on several minutes later, also from the floor, over her head.

"What?"

"What?" He looked at her disbelieving. "What?!"He wanted to shake her. What was she thinking?

"Look Gid, I'm sorry we all can't be mature and upstanding people like yourself, but some of us have urges and-"

"Please stop." He held up a hand.

"What? I do okay, I'm only 24, and I need a good shag every once in a while. Don't you judge me, Prewett. Don't you dare."

"I'm not-" He huffed.

"Don't give me that bullshit. I can see it in your eyes." She glared at him. "You have this holier than art thou attitude and its infuriating."

"But Black? I mean-" He looked at her, trying to prove something, "He's so much younger than you!" Lame, and he knew it to.

"Five years. Less than you and me." She raised an eyebrow at him.

"I'm not sleeping with you!" Not that I don't want to, he bit back.

"Keep this to yourself, will you?" She said after several minutes of staring him down, Dorcas finally looked away and reached for some sweatpants. "I'd rather not have it all around the house."

He nodded, chewing on the inside of his cheek.

"Have you heard the rumour?" Gideon startled Dorcas from the dark end of the hallway months later.

Dorcas jumped slightly and froze her hand as it moved towards her wand in her pocket. "Merlin Prewett, trying to give me heart attack?!" She shook her head at the man. "Which rumour?" She crossed her arms. It was true, there were more rumours in this house then there were at Hogwarts. They travelled faster too, and that was saying a lot.

"The one about the spy."

Dorcas' mouth formed a 'o'. "That one..." She muttered and looked away. She had heard the whispers, like anyone else.

"You want to know who I think it is?"

"Who?" She was curious, sue her.

"Black."

She rolled her eyes and made to walk past him. He put an arm up across the hallway to stop her.

"It is, always things he hears about, he talks about, he knows about." She rolled her eyes again at him and forcefully moved his arm from her path. He grabbed her arm and yanked her back. She fell into his chest and narrowed her eyes at him.

"Just because you have a relationship with him doesn't mean that he couldn't-"

"What are you saying?" She pushed him back away from her, furious. "Just because I'm shagging him I'm blind? I wouldn't realize that he was luring my friends to their deaths? You make me sick. With your jealousy and your pettiness. You need to find someone who you at least tolerate and shag them. Let go of your frustrations with them, Prewett, because I'm sick of being your emotional punching bag!"

She gave him one last shove and went to storm off before she turned suddenly. He stood still, waiting for what was to come. She poked his chest hard, something she picked up from Marlene. "And don't you even dare think about going around spreading these lies all over the house. I have no idea where this childish resentment of Sirius came from but if you go spouting false accusations I'll.. I'll.." she faltered. "Well, I don't know what I'll do but it's going to hurt." She poked his chest one more time. "You got that Prewett?!"

He nodded solemnly. That went well.

Dorcas ran into the kitchen, her eyes wide and fearful. "Who was it?" She cried at the group who sat around the table, looking anywhere but her. She tightened her robe that had loosened in her haste to get down the stairs, and ran over to Gideon who was standing against the counter. She grabbed the front of his shirt, tears springing to her eyes. She shook him, her fists tight enough to draw blood from her palms. "Tell me!" She screamed at him. Her face said she knew, she knew, but she needed to hear him say it.

He swallowed and looked away, blinking away his tears before she could see them. Neither one of them noticed Sirius appear in the kitchen behind her. He walked over to Dorcas, and put a hand on her shoulder. She didn't turn. She stared at Gideon and he finally met her eyes. She gasped and turned, falling into Sirius' chest sobbing. His eyes said everything.

"There was nothing we could do. They got her whole family, Dorcas." Henry Bones stood slightly from his position. His hand on his wife's shoulder. Dorcas began hyperventilating. Sirius led her to a chair, tea was in front of her in an instant. She held her face in her hands, but the tears wouldn't stop. Marlene McKinnon was dead.

"Happy Birthday." Gideon stood at her bedroom door, a present in his hand. Dorcas smiled sadly at him and stepped back from the doorframe, gesturing with her hand for him to enter. He stood awkwardly for a minute before sitting next to her on the bed. "I got you something."

"Thanks." She took the small blue box and went to open it.

He grabbed her hand, stopping her. "No, wait." She looked at him confused. "Wait until I'm gone. It's... just wait." She smiled confused at him, but nodded all the same, placing the gift on her nightstand. "Plans for the night?"

"No, not yet." She flipped her hair over her shoulder, almost reminding him of the girl she used to be. "Sirius, I'm almost certain, has forgotten." His face tensed and she noticed, but chose to ignore it. He went to say something, but she shook her head, stopping him. "I'm not in the mood, Gideon."

"You patrolling tonight?" He asked her quietly.

"No, this afternoon though."

"Well, if your here tonight and I am as well, maybe we could do dinner."

"I'd like that." She nodded.

"Well, I've got to go for patrol." He stood and she smiled sadly at him again, he made to leave when he felt a hand on his arm. He didn't hear her get off from the bed and was surprised when he turned and saw her. She pulled him into a hug.

"Thank you, Gideon." He nodded wordlessly, swallowing his pain and left without saying anything, not trusting himself.

"'Lo Dorcas." Peter Pettigrew sat down across the table from Dorcas Meadowes later that afternoon.

She looked up from the Prophet and nodded at him. "Peter."

"Happy Birthday."

"Thank you, Peter." She looked back up at him, surprised he remembered.

"Sirius asked me to give you this." He passed her a note. She smiled at him confused as she reached across the table to grab it. Was he always this nervous? She never really talked to him, he stuck more with James and Sirius, but since Potter was in hiding, she assumed he was lost without his usual companions.

Meet me in Diagon Ally at 5. Happy Birthday Angel.

S.B.

"Thank you." But her reply was met with deaf ears, for he had left the room in the time it had taken her to read it. The note dissolved in her hands.

Had she been younger, less daring, she would have sent a patronus to Sirius to clarify the date. Had she been more wary of her allies, as she should have, given the rumours and accusations flying around the house, she probably would have listened to what Dumbledore had told her and would not have gone out alone. Had she not been cooped up in that same house, day after bloody day, only being released for the odd patrolling shift or funeral, she probably wouldn't have gone. Had she not been aching everyday for her lost friends, for Marlene and Benji and the countless others, maybe she wouldn't have changed her jeans for a red dress, walked to the perimeter of the safe house and apparated to the ally. Had she opened Gideon Prewett's present that still sat wrapped on her nightstand before she put on her red lipstick and high heels, she might have paused before she ended up standing in the deserted ally way.

After she continuously threw off imperus after imperus Voldemort himself decided to cruico her. As she was tortured by curse after curse, she couldn't help that her mind attempted to find safety by finding a logical reason for the occurrence. She was a Ravenclaw to the end. She knew instantly that it was not Sirius Black who had sealed her fate in that note, but Peter Pettigrew. But why would the spy in the Order of the Phoenix care so much about her. Sure she was smart, and brilliant, but wasn't Voldemort after the Potters- of course. And Sirius was obviously their Secret Keeper. They wanted to show anyone could be gotten to, even him. She sighed in her mind, trying desperately not to realize that if he was really their secret keeper (he would never tell her), it was only a matter of time before he would be joining her. She couldn't help but let her mind drift back to that small blue box Gideon had given her that morning. She wondered if all questions were answered in heaven, because she knew she was going to die soon. If she never found out what was in the bloody thing, something she didn't care about at the time, but now let herself agonize over, she would probably scream bloody murder for the rest of her afterlife.

That night, before the news of Dorcas Meadowes death had been heard, Gideon went to her room and knocked on the bedroom door three times. No answer. He walked in and saw the little blue box still on her nightstand. He sighed and walked over, sitting on her bed and opening the box. Beside a gold link necklace that was his mothers was a note. He opened it and reread it, as he had hundreds of times over the past week.

Dorcas,

I hope you will laugh at me (you haven't in a very long time) when you hear this, but I feel as if something is going to happen soon (don't ask me why, I'm not a seer), and I need to tell you this. I love you, and I have always loved you, from the moment I first saw you, I'd say. Now, this may seem stupid and late and completely random, but I need you to know this. I love you. I am in love with you.

Yours, always,

Gideon

That night Sirius returned, from visiting the Potters, to Headquarters. Gideon Prewett stood as he entered the kitchen. All eyes turned to Sirius, but he stared at Gideon.

"What?" Sirius easy smile still on his face.

Gideon walked over to him, and stood in front of him for a moment. The fact that the kitchen was half as full as it was when Marlene McKinnon died was not lost on Prewett. The two men stared at each other for a moment before Gideon swallowed.

"She's dead."

"Who?"

Gideon's jaw clenched. That selfish bastard had her, and what a waste. What a bloody waste.

"Who?" Sirius repeated, looking around the room. He didn't see Gideon's fist until it had collided with his jaw. The sound was the unmistakable crack of breaking bones. Gideon stormed out of the room, his brother following in his wake.

"Run Fabian!" Gideon yelled to his brother as he tried to fight off the four or five (he couldn't count them, they were moving too fast around them) death eaters.

"And leave you with all the fun?" Fabian breathed back, still laughing. Gideon's jaw clenched at his brother's forced humour. He needed to leave, Hestia- well, the women Gideon loved was gone, but his brother- he needed to leave.

"Go!" Gideon yelled again, they were back to back now, battling for their lives. One leaving would mean certain death for the other. Gideon sent one strong curse towards another masked figure, the face of Dolohov was exposed to the brothers. Gideon saw a flash of green a moment later in his peripheral vision and heard the sick sound of a body hitting the ground. What was left of his heart shattered in a million pieces. He felt blank; he knew his brother was dead.

Then he heard it, the sound of the Calvary. Pop after pop of apparition, but he knew it was too late. He was already dead. A man needs a heart to live, and his was beyond repair. When the green light surrounded him it was the first time he felt alive in years.

The first thing Gideon Prewett noticed about Dorcas Meadowes was how breathtakingly stunning she was. Her long blonde hair fell well past her shoulders, her green eyes could look right into your soul, and her slim figure with her, er, embellished assets, would be the cause of many male fantasies. His face broke into a smile, the first like that since the war began. She ran and jumped into his arms with a joy he hadn't seen in her before.

He placed her back on her feet and smiled while he fingered the necklace she wore around her neck. His mother's necklace.

"I love you too." She whispered into his ear.

Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly and without law, and must be plucked where it is found, and enjoyed for the brief hour of its duration.
D.