One day, Kiva, the American girl named after an underground ceremonial chamber, fell into Middle Earth while the Nine were walking. Funnily enough, she landed in Legolas' convenient outstretched arms.
"Unh," said Legolas as he caught her in perfect English. He and Kiva fell quickly in love. Just then, Kiva's identical twin sister separated at birth and raised in New Zealand and horribly disfigured in a car accident when she was young, whose name was Kiwi, fell into Aragorn's arms. Which were also outstretched. Unfortunately, Kiwi did not share Kiva's lightness in general, and Aragorn nearly topless toppled under her weight. But he loved her in spite of the fact that Arwen. Also Kiwi was ugly, but her beautiful inner soul. She thought that no one could ever love her. But he did. Aragorn, that is. Because of her beautiful inner soul. Which he instantly knew she had, because fat ugly people all have beautiful inner souls. Of course, Arwen also had a beautiful inner soul, but Aragorn liked people whose names begin with a K better. But he didn't like people named after underground ceremonial chambers, like Kiva. And that's why Aragorn liked Kiwi and not Kiva or Arwen. And then he and Kiwi had sex. Aragorn was very experienced from all the times he had been with Arwen. Arwen's parents, whoever they are, had no clue that she had already bonded with him.