It was never that I did not want to be with you – it was that I could not be sure you wanted to be with me. You should know that I do not have the faith to throw myself into anything without knowing the end result. I guess my pride got the best of me...To think how different everything would be if only I had closed my eyes and jumped.
You had me that way: constantly questioning myself, always regretting the decisions I made, yet continuing to make them. I was on a collision course with fate, and if I had been just a bit stronger - just a bit more determined – perhaps, I could have turned myself around. I could have made it so that there was nothing between us but raw emotion, but instead, I turned you against me. It was just easier to cope with how I felt when you were oblivious to it, and my friends and family thought I hated you. If I could turn back time, if I could re-do the past seven years, I would not be such a fool.
You would see the way I feel about you in every millisecond of eye contact, and maybe it would spark something within you. You would hear the desperate longing in every word I spoke to you, and perhaps you would be inclined to go along with it. You would be told by anyone with any form of observational skills that you had me wrapped around your finger, and they would be right.
Can you feel my pain? It eats away at me every single night when I lie awake, wishing you could be there beside me.
I have made so many mistakes, and I know I have hurt you over and over again. I want to ask for a second chance, but I am so afraid you will refuse it. I want to give you a wholehearted apology, but I am terrified you will not accept it. I want so many things that I know can never be, and yet, you are never far from my mind. The idea of you follows me all day and haunts me all night: the ghost of what could have been – what we could have been.
I wish I could move on, but guilt is a merciless mistress. Tell me, just once, did we ever have a chance? Tell me, and I will never ask anything more of you. Perhaps I will be overwhelmed with remorse, but I need to know.
We could have had it all, you and I. I would have made sure that you lacked nothing in comfort and that your happiness was never anything less than complete. You would have been the center of my universe, and I could only have entertained the deepest desire that I would be yours.
You were the only person I would ever have held up so highly, and cared about so deeply.
Tell me, Darling, was it ever possible? Do my penitent thoughts even begin to assuage my past actions towards you? I bleed contrition with every thought of you. Is that enough to diminish your hatred of me?