Hi, guys!
Throughout this summer I started to plan this Modern AU story and finally, I'm able to start posting the chapters! This is my first Captain Swan multi chapter fic and I'm so excited to share it with you! I hope you'll like it as much as I like writing it.
Happy reading!
(tumblr acc: mycaptainswanjones)
Chapter 1
She should have told the truth instead of lying.
Emma knows she shouldn't have told the others that the reason she wanted to stay at home was because she was feeling sick. She could have simply admitted that she was tired as hell from not sleeping properly for days and that she has zero capacity to pretend to be in high spirits when all she wants to do is cuddle up in her blanket on the couch with a hot cocoa and Audrey Hepburn on her screen.
She is doing that right now, but sadly, it doesn't make her feel any better. It's not enough that she's sleep deprived; now a twinge of guilt is prickling her conscience, too. Although, usually she has no trouble speaking her mind and she's kind of famous for being a little crude – so why didn't she just come out with the truth? Would it have killed her to say, "Sorry, I have no desire to celebrate the end of this miserable year?" Who would judge her anyway? This year was total crap – no use in sugar-coating it.
She got her heart broken. Again. Which she should have seen from a mile away because – to say the least – she has no luck in relationships.
She moved from New York to Boston – at her adoptive brother's coaxing – to escape from the pangs of love. It was an utterly pathetic reason, especially since she doesn't feel any sorrow for the break-up - more like anger and disappointment. It was, in fact, easier to run away than face that another relationship had gone downhill again.
A classic Emma Swan move.
She got fired from her job – apparently, employees can't voice their opinions about the deficiencies the company they work for has, and Miss Mills had had enough of her big mouth.
It was a blessing in disguise actually: she hated working for that evil woman anyway. Maybe she would go back to bail bonds – at least, that way, she can work her frustration out on the douchebags who skip their bails.
Was she always like this? Emma tries to remember a time when she was a person people wanted to be friends with but comes up empty. Guess bouncing around the system for most of her childhood can do that to a person. It hardens you, forms a shield around you – especially after the families throw you back into foster care because they get bored of you or have a child of their own and your presence is no longer needed.
Emma learned a long time ago that if she never truly reveals herself she can minimize the chance of getting hurt in the end - when people eventually leave. Like Walsh…and Neal.
But despite all of her past experiences, she has a short list of people she feels comfortable with. After getting adopted by a wonderful family in her late teenage years, she also learned that being so closed off won't just keep her from getting hurt, but it can prevent her from experiencing the good stuff too.
Still, she has kept some of her walls and inhibitions – some even call her a stone cold bitch for it. Not that she cares, but is it any surprise she has a problem maintaining a meaningful relationship?
She sighs and gets up from the couch, shaking off the blanket in the process. She makes her way into her kitchen and goes for the cabinet to locate her "There's a chance this is vodka" mug.
She drags herself back to the living room with freshly made hot cocoa and glances out the window. There is something remarkably soothing about the sight of Christmas lights and falling snow mingling on the streets with the scent of cinnamon and cocoa filling her nostrils. She can hear the different sounds coming from outside: early fireworks and dogs barking.
All of this perfectly fits into her "lonely and fucked up" mood – since today everyone celebrates the coming of a new year while she's cooped up in her apartment, wallowing in self-pity.
Which is becoming extremely annoying because she doesn't do shit like this. She considers herself a tough woman, so she mentally berates herself for her behavior and instead, soothes herself with the idea that the next year can't be worse than this one. Just be positive.
Just be positive.
She goes back to the couch and grumpily slumps down on it, pulling the blanket tight around herself because God, she's suddenly so cold. Maybe from watching the snow outside or maybe her lie is catching up with her. Perhaps her guilt will ease if she's indeed getting sick.
She should've gone with the others, that's it. But when she thinks about going out into public and meeting people, she shivers into her fluffy blanket and feels nausea coil into a tight ball in her gut. A pretty exciting way to ring in the New Year – feeling guilty and with Karma on her heels. Is she really such a bad person?
Emma quickly does a little soul-searching expedition and with a deep sigh, she grudgingly admits – only to herself – that yes, she's really that bad of a person. But she's only 26, so she can still change, right?
Everyone and everything always changes in this world. It's not impossible for her to become a better person. She only needs to make that decision. She needs to pull herself together, and some planning can't hurt either.
What about a list?
People make those all the time, like for shopping and stuff. But Emma refuses to call it a New Year's resolution because that's lame and the 'new year, new me' slogan is absolute bullshit. It will be just a simple list of things she needs to pay attention to in the future.
Like guidelines.
She quickly finishes her cocoa and abandons the couch in search of a pen and paper. When she finds what she is looking for, she sits back in front of the coffee table and starts thinking.
"Okay, let's do this," she murmurs in a veiled voice, encouraging herself.
But after five minutes of helplessly chewing the end of her pen, she realizes this task is not as simple as she thought. Because what exactly is it that makes someone a good person?
No, she can't look at it that way, because if she philosophizes too much on the subject she will surely go nuts. She needs to approach this from a different angle – right now it really bothers her that she lied, so it's a good starting point.
No lying (unless it's necessary) – she writes on the paper.
Emma isn't naïve enough to believe she won't ever lie again. She knows she must leave a tiny loophole, otherwise, she can throw this whole list thing out the window right now. Which probably wouldn't be a bad thing – does she really think just because she writes down a few stupid things she can immediately stick to them?
No, stop! She scolds herself.
She can't keep doing this, sabotaging things before they can really start.
Oh, she got another one!
Be more persistent – No running away from problems just because it's easier.
Good. She nods, acknowledging the fact that with this list she's already practicing what she just scribbled down – and though it may be just a little thing, she's still proud of herself. You can still reach your goal with baby steps, right? With many, many baby steps and she won't be so fucked up.
Emma frowns and her pen is already gliding wildly on the paper.
Don't swear (that much).
She's not delusional – she knows that a curse will occasionally leave her mouth, but that doesn't mean she can't reduce the number of those words and phrases when the times don't call for it.
I won't say everything I think or bothers me out loud (except when my bullshit detector goes off).
After all, that's why she got fired from that security company – she can't seem to shut up when something is bothering her or when she thinks something is off. But her superpower saved her from many troubles so…loophole it is again.
Not to mention that it could've saved her from her last relationships, if only her hormones hadn't gotten the best of her. With Neal and Walsh, she couldn't control them and it made her vulnerable, so…
No sex without love.
There. She's managed to make a decent list in only 10 minutes. Though it is quite depressing that every single sentence has something negative in it. Pondering, Emma starts to chew her pen again – what's that thing that she could do and not not do?
Her train of thought is interrupted by the opening of her front door and with a mild horror she realizes she probably forgot to lock it.
"Evening, Swan!" she hears his cheerful voice not long after, making her breathing hitch and her heart leap in her throat for a second.
She tries to ignore these physiological changes - but fails miserably when she turns to look at him.
As practically always, Killian is looking too good for her sensibilities. Seriously, she's never seen him when he's looking bad, and his ridiculously attractive appearance is slowly driving her crazy (not that she will ever reveal that piece of information to him, or anyone).
He has that kind of face that stops you in your tracks. Emma guesses he got used to that, the sudden pause in a person's natural expression when they glance his way, trying to overcompensate with a nonchalant gaze and a weak smile – God knows she does it nearly every time. It doesn't help that he's so modest about it – almost like he has no idea how hot he is. Which makes the girls fall for him all the more. But despite all the opportunities that come his way, Emma has never seen a woman at his side since they met a couple months ago.
As usual, he wears tight black jeans and a navy blue shirt – with its top two buttons undone, revealing some of his remarkable chest hair (that Emma suspects goes all the way down to his more precious parts). His rich, almost-black hair looks unruly, like he has just woken up from a late afternoon slumber, and Emma's fingers are itching to run through his messy locks. His impossibly, cloudless sky blue eyes (seriously, they should name a crayon after the guy) are sparkling with playfulness as he looks at her.
Emma suppresses a sigh and turns away. She can't look at Killian like that. He's David's, her adoptive brother's best friend, and it would seriously complicate things, which Emma doesn't need right now.
He's off limits. Period.
And it doesn't matter that she hasn't seen him with a girl since they had gotten to know each other – it doesn't mean that he doesn't have one-night stands. Killian's appearance is typical of those guys who conquer women left and right and leave them with a broken heart in the end. Emma's had enough of those, thank you very much. She doesn't want to be another notch on his belt.
"What are you doing here?" she grumbles under her breath.
His answer only comes after he sits beside her with a boyishly sweet smile dancing on his lips.
"Why, I came to offer my company," he replies, his accent and the richness of his voice is laced with his apparent good mood and Emma's eyes flutter closed for the briefest of moments. "I once read it's bad luck to start the New Year alone."
"Seriously?" A somber expression runs across her face while she pulls a little away from him on the couch, just enough that he doesn't notice and she doesn't feel his body's warmth so prominently.
Killian's proximity doesn't exactly have a positive effect on her. Or rather, Killian himself doesn't have a positive effect on her. She's attracted to him, of course – she'd have to have a terrible taste not to find that man anything but sex on legs - but she doesn't want to be drawn to him, and it sometimes makes her act meaner and more dismissive than usual. And except for a few hurt expressions now and then, he doesn't show any less interest in seeking her company out.
"No," he grins. "In truth, I was thinking now that we are finally alone we could have some fun together, but you're definitely not up for it."
Yeah, that is where the problems start – Emma has no idea why Killian takes it upon himself to say things like this every time they're together. Sometimes she has a feeling that he's only half-joking when he's talking about "seducing" her.
"Do I look that awful?" She makes a face.
The smile evaporates from his lips and a serious expression appears on his face instead. "You're always beautiful, Swan."
"Yeah, and I'm naïve enough to believe you," she scoffs, but her stupid and stubborn heart skips a beat at his declaration.
"Fine then. This grumpy look isn't your best, but tell me someone who can pull that off," he shrugs offhandedly.
"Scrooge?" she offers and Killian lets out a warm and hearty laugh.
˘. . . ° . . . ˘
Emma is the only person in his life who manages to always crack him up – even if it's not her intention in the first place - and Killian finds it quite refreshing. Most women want to throw themselves at him first, and he has to work rather hard to make them see him as a friend rather than a possible lover.
He loves women, naturally, but he doesn't want to bed every lass that comes his way without getting to know them first. In truth, he has no clue what it is that women find so fetching about him and makes them want to sleep with him within an hour after they met.
Before he had the pleasure of meeting Emma, he occasionally took those women up on their offers – which, without exception, ended with mutual satisfaction. But after Emma entered his life, – with her wild blonde curls and no-nonsense attitude – he realized he had less and less interest in spending time with other lasses (until the point where he only wanted to spend time with her).
He's almost 30, and from time to time, it crosses his mind that it would be nice if someone wanted more from him than just sex. The first person who showed no interest in his body – who outright rejected his advance on that fateful night they met at the bar where he was playing – was Emma Swan. Even if she never reciprocates his feelings, it still gives him hope (which is utterly contradictory, but this is how Killian feels). Not to mention the all-consuming desire that takes possession of him whenever he's near her.
From the moment he first saw her, he was attracted to her. Not just because of her appearance – although she's a marvelously pretty lass, even now that she only wears her favorite over-worn sweatpants and a plaid shirt that was probably David's, that her almost waist length blonde hair is in a messy bun on top of her head and those bewitching green eyes of hers that are usually full of defiance are now swimming with weariness and something close to brokenness, that her lips are somewhat dry and cracked – she's still a marvel. But it's not just that…there's something about her, about her very being that makes Killian fall for her more and more with every passing second he spends in her presence.
"Okay, now that you confirmed that you can't charm me into your bed, don't you want to leave me alone?" Emma glances at him with an impatient look.
"No." He shakes his head and casts a furtive glance at the book on her knees, its title is hidden behind a paper adorned with her handwriting.
"Why not?" she interrogates him further with a stern glance.
"I very much enjoy your company, love."
"Well, I'm not really entertaining."
"Of course you are."
"Yeah, like watching Scrapheap Challenge." Emma rolls her eyes, but a small smile is playing on her lips.
Killian lets out another laugh.
A memory flashes through his mind of when David insisted they watch an entire season of that engineering game show he likes so much a week ago. That evening, to say the least, was the most tedious few hours of his existence (though Emma's presence helped a little), and after only three episodes they had to come up with a lie to leave before they could die of boredom.
"Swan, I'm not going to leave you alone," he declares in a serious tone.
"Did David put you up to this?"
"No."
And that was the truth. David only mentioned in passing that knowing her, Emma would probably be alone in her apartment. Of course, Killian didn't have to be told twice – and, anyway, he didn't want to celebrate the New Year in a crowded bar after his gig.
"Then it doesn't really make sense."
"Life is usually like that."
"What?" Emma asks, and besides impatience, her voice is laced with a slight annoyance.
"You can't make sense out of everything," Killian replies and gestures towards the paper on her knee. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing," she answers too quickly.
"Then it's definitely something." A wide grin is stretching onto his lips and before Emma can slip her paper into the book with a nonchalant motion, Killian snatches it out of her hand with a swift and precise move. Emma tries to reach for it, but he gets up from the couch and flops onto an armchair nearby.
Emma lets out a helpless groan – the sound making Killian stiffen. Oh, how he has imagined hearing her like that in a completely different scenario.
No lying (unless it's necessary) – he reads the first sentence and his brows knit together.
"Killian, please!" He hears her voice laced with desperation but doesn't look up from the parchment, his eyes taking in the thoroughly written lines.
By the time she steps in front of him with an outstretched arm and morose expression, he's already read everything she wrote.
"Did you…make a New Year's resolution list?" He glances up at her incredulously.
"None of your business."
"I've already read it, so now it is. And I'm not giving it back."
Killian can see Emma hesitating over whether to try and get back the list or give it up? He wouldn't mind in the least if she decides to retrieve it from his clutches (and the smile creeping onto his lips must betray his thoughts, because Emma sits back on the couch with a pout).
"Are you aware that it's sort of cheating if you leave a loophole in every sentence?" he teases.
"This is my list," she grumbles.
Killian finds Emma quite lovely when she's being petulant, or at least trying to be.
He runs his eyes through her list one more time, humming as he does so, but when he reaches the last sentence he snorts.
"Are you bloody serious? What if you never fall in love?" he asks hesitantly.
"Then I guess I'll just have to help myself," she says openly and in a deliberately harsh tone.
Killian can see it in her eyes that she expects him to be taken aback by her words, but he only smiles. "I would love to watch that."
"Dream on, buddy."
"Every night, Swan."
"Unfortunately, not just at nights," Emma murmurs under her breath, no doubt meaning for him to hear her.
However, Killian doesn't rush to prove her statement false. As a matter of fact, every time he sees her, sooner or later he finds himself picturing her in scant attire or even in nothing at all – and he knows that, to a degree, Emma is aware of that, but he can't seem to restrain his fantasies when it comes to her. And on top of that, her reactions to it all amuses him immensely, – she mostly becomes annoyed, giving her cheeks a red tint that makes her even more beautiful.
"I sense you won't be able to keep even one single thing on this list," he states, waving at the paper now resting on the coffee table.
He's switching onto a different subject on purpose – he doesn't want Emma to feel uncomfortable around him and he doesn't want to scare her off with his feelings (and wishes). He takes joy in the moments they spend together – and it won't do him any good if she gets vexed with him and throws him out of the apartment.
"You wanna bet?" Emma raises her eyebrow in question.
Killian tilts his head to the side, searching his Swan's face for any sign she's only bluffing. If she's really thinking about a wager, she probably has no idea that she's essentially giving him a chance.
"That would be an excellent motivation," he murmurs to himself.
He can't have Emma back out of it now – lest exceptional opportunity would pass him by.
"What are you offering?" inquires Emma, leaning towards him slightly.
Ah, so he managed to pique her interest after all.
"If you succeed in keeping at least one item on this list, I shall desert my quest in trying to win your affections. I'll lay off making dirty jokes and such in the future. Would that be enough motivation for you?"
"Why would you do that?" Emma narrows her eyes in suspicion.
"Because if you do all those things on your list, you'll be terribly boring," he offers, but he doesn't really mean it.
Killian likes Emma the way she is – quick-tempered, prickly, but also sensitive, determined and intelligent – in other words, she's bloody brilliant. It's not just her body that attracts him to her.
"Just lovable," she whispers faintly, but Killian catches it quite clearly.
He flashes a bewildered look towards her. "Is that why you're doing all this?" he dangles the paper in front of her.
"What?"
"Because you think no one loves you?" he asks, a slight edge to his tone.
Bloody hell, this woman is going to be the death of him.
"It's not that," she averts quickly and anxiously looks away, which only further confirms his suspicion.
"Do you know something, Swan? If you have to change in order for people to love you, it's not love at all."
"Yeah well, it's better than nothing…" she mumbles but a moment later, her eyes harden. "Okay, we have a deal."
"And what if I win?"
"You won't."
"But if I do, I want something in return. Otherwise, what would be the fun in it for me?" he asks cockily.
"I'm not gonna sleep with you," Emma protests. "If that's your deal, forget it."
Killian leans forward and rests his arms on his knees, his expression darkens as he processes her words. "I would never propose such a deal," he states slowly and firmly. "If you ever decide to sleep with me, it won't be because of any games or a lost bet– it will be because you want it too."
"You know, in that case, you should just drop this whole 'trying to seduce me' thing of yours then."
Killian smiles. He can't be discouraged that easily. "If I win, you'll give me a chance. A real one."
"What do you mean?"
"Two weeks from now, there will be a charity ball at the Music Hall and you are coming with me," he announces, but he has no clue where this idea came from.
As a matter of fact, he will be performing that night and, naturally, with the offer came an invitation to the entire event. But what are his hopes from only one evening? It doesn't matter – he can't take his words back now (and miraculous things had happened in shorter times – who knows where one night may lead).
"And you think it will make me run straight into your arms?"
"It only took one night for the prince to fall in love with Cinderella. And vice versa."
"But you're not a prince."
"And you're not Cinderella. And who says I want to fall in love with you?"
Well, the last part is a complete lie, but love is not a matter of question or wanting. If it's coming, you can't stop it, no matter how hard you try. And Killian wants to give it a chance, because there's a strong pull between them that he just can't explain. He has never felt like this with anyone in his existence, and if Emma wouldn't fight against it so much and just let him in…perhaps she would feel the same way.
"I only wish for one evening where you allow us to have fun together without your reservations and fears. Just let loose for one night."
Surely, they've had many movie nights where there were just the two of them, but he always felt as though Emma would never let herself open up to him completely, for whatever reasons.
"You really think I would break everything in two weeks?" Emma glances at him with a slight uncertainty in her eyes.
"Aye," he nods confidently, then he adds in a soft voice. "Or at the very least, I'm really hoping for it."
But he only added the last part because he fears if Emma thinks him too confident, then her walls will go back up and she would get cold feet. Killian senses Emma's hesitation, and if he's too sure of himself and their deal, she would waiver and he can't let that happen.
"Okay." She stretches out her hand towards him.
"Okay," Killian exhales in relief and shakes her hand happily.
Killian can see that Emma thinks she's just struck a sure deal with him, but he knows she's poorly mistaken. Because as he lets go of her hand, he makes a resolution himself: he will support her decision to change if that's what she truly wants, but he won't make her job easier that's for sure.
So what do you think? I would very much appreciate a feedback on how you liked this chapter! :)