I closed my car door and leaned against it. I miss hanging out with her. I miss getting wasted on her rare days off from work. I miss kissing her. Her soft lips against mine and a giggle escaping her throat. The way one hand curled into my hair and the other pressed against my neck. A sigh escaped my lips.
The other day her friends told me she's off fine. Happy, in a new relationship. And that makes me wonder if what we has was real. How can she be happy while I am so miserable? Was it just a lie? A joke? I felt my throat closing up again and tears welling up in my eyes.
I remember the day she knocked on my door so clearly. We were starting to drift apart and one day she decided she had enough. I knew that her call from earlier meant no good.
"We need to talk", she said and hung up without another word.
Her face was soaked in tears when she showed up at my door. Her mascara runing down her face, her voice weak and shaky. I closed my eyes and let the memories pass.
"Hey, what's wrong?", I asked as I answered the door, not expecting a crying Kate.
She tried to wipe the tears away but they just kept flowing.
"I-", she took a deep breath.
"I decided that we need to go our seperate ways. It just doesn't feel the same anymore. You are becoming a stranger to me, each day more and more", she managed to get out with a cracking voice.
When I opened my eyes again, the sun was setting down and the gaping wound in my heart started to hurt again. Every wish, every promise, all gone, in just a matter of hours. Just thrown away. I guess that's what people do when they are in too much pain. Close their eyes and leave.
I closed the door to my appartment and paused for a second as my eyes landed on a picture of her sitting on my coffee table.
Being alone was hard. Being alone was painful. Almost too painful. If I had the chance to wake up with her again, I'd never let her go. I would hold her even closer, not letting her out of my sight.
But chances are like 0 of that ever happening again. I wish I would wake up with amnesia. Forgetting every detail of her face, her character, just her. So I wouldn't end up running my hand over her side of the bed every morning. Or wait for her to come up behind me and kiss my neck while I cook. Nor preparing a second coffee. That hurt the most. It had always been our good morning kiss. A warm cup of coffee. And now, even that felt cold. It had all been ripped out of my hands so quickly. Why didn't I see the signs? Had I really been that blind and optimistic about us? Had I been ignoring the signs on purpose because deep inside, I knew what would come? What would hit me like a brick? I guess human's nature kicks in here. Fight or flight. Flight in this case.
The wound seemed to get bigger by the minute. Pain filling up my body. Making it hard to breathe. Making it hard to forget. Repeating her words endlessly.
I would have never guessed that we would go from strangers to best friends then lovers and back to strangers again. Losing someone this special made the sky go dark. Stars dying day by day. Until there is none left and blackness is covering me completely. Pulling me down into misery forever.