Preface

I'm sorry for leaving u like this. But, I couldn't live like this anymore. I was suffering more than I let on. My problems got the best of me. Please don't blame yourself or anyone else. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have survived this long. I truly am sorry. I love you more than I can say or show. I wish so much it could be enough but the pain is far too much to bear. I can't be held back by this life any more. I know this is a selfish path to take. But, I can't hold on any longer. I love you

Jacob

CHAPTER 1 goodbyes

That was the letter left for me and Jacobs's dad Billy. To say that Jacob was my best friend was an understatement .he was so much more than that. He was the one person in the world I knew under stood how I felt on a daily basis. He could read my mind most of the time it seemed. He was my angel. The truth is he saved me from doing stupid things like taking a whole bottle of pills, or picking up a knife. Cutting deeper than I already did. We where each others first everything and I was his entire last. But, I guess It wasn't enough. I wish it could have been enough.

It was like any other day A boring spin of the same sad routine. Work and home then I'd call Jacob and we plan to do what we did every Friday. Witch was noting really. Just go to a few stores like borders and walk around and talk about everything. Then wed spent the night in each others arms saying how we where going to be different. We had been trough everything together even through hell and back with his cancer and my cutting addiction. He was there when my mother died and my father started drinking and blaming me. But we both over came, Jake was the only one who knew about my cutting but he made it all stop. We had just a week till graduation and then who knew I had no plans for the near future I was hoping to convince my dad that charging me cheap rent made more sense then kicking me out. Not that I wanted to live there his approval of my life choices and me in general weren't great. that day was supposed to be the day we made plans for the summer we had been planning a trip to San Francisco and today we where going to edit out the fine details. Jacob had to go to the doctor for his check up yesterday so I was supposed to come over first thing after work.

The day past slow and something felt so weird and wrong with Jake when we talked on the phone on my break. But I couldn't really tell. So like usual I just wrote it off cause I knew it would pass and he was probably just upset about the doctor as usual.

When I turned on his street I felt a hole pierce through my chest. Dozens cop cars surrounded his street, yellow tape roping off his yard. Tons of news cameras. In that instant the ambulance that was waiting for some one caught my eye. I knew form seeing car accidents that they only put up tape when someone was dead.

I saw all those things and knew it was Jake. He had just been too depressed lately. I parked jumped out my car and ran faster than I ever ran before in my life. Through every one the cops jumped in the way trying to stop me. I had to know. But, none of the officers could stop me before I it was to late I already saw too much. I got as far as the hallway. His room was at the end and the door was wide open. There on his bed his body lay there motionless with a hole in his chest where his heart was. There was a gun on the bed next to him. His room was colored with splatters of crimson. The bed and the floor soaked in to puddle of blood. All of a sudden I realized the cop that was holding me was saying something "young lady you can't go back there. No one is allowed." I could help it though I sat there and stared until the images of my love my best friend burned into my head all the beauty and life he was once filled with was gone all that was left was his body in all its glory and even that was destroyed by the gun. The officer was pulling me. And I heard screaming. And I realized it was me. I tried to calm myself down.

I also heard another sound in the corner of the room jakes father was crying "no oh god please not my son please" Jake was all he had his sisters and brothers all long gone his mother was dead and now Billy would be alone. He was holding a bloody paper. I struggled to get away form the cop and ran over to him. He looked me in the eye and handed me the note I read it about three lines into it I almost collapsed. My eyes filled with tears and I thought I was suffocating. I had to get out of there so I ran to my car and drove home. I got home and ran to my room locked the door. I went to my bed side and grabbed my razor I hid under the lamp on the side of my bed and put it to my wrist I started to cut. But, like always I was too scared to cut it and end it all. So I put it on my forearm and sliced it open. As the blood flowed down my wrist releasing some of the pain. The more I cut the better it seemed to get so I did it again and again. Till my blood started to form a puddle. On the table. I grabbed a towel and tried to stop it. I realized I still had the note. I started to read the note again. I don't ember finishing it.

I hadn't even realized how long it had been when I finally came to it was 4 days later and Charlie was banging on the door telling me the funeral was in an hour. I uncurled form the fetal position and walked into the bathroom. I looked dead paler than my usual self witch was hard to do my hair was mated to the side of my head. My eyes had black circles under them and where red and swollen slightly. I turned on the shower. And stepped in. The hot water felt so good and I barely got out but the water went cold.

I was so numb at the sight of his lifeless body. The where talking about his life and asked if anyone wanted to speak to my surprise I stood up and walked toward the podium. Kind of ironic the last thing Jake would expect. I hated public speaking it made me sick. But I felt like this was my last chance to talk to him.

"I love you Jake mo of these people never go the chance to really know who you where. You are the kindest mo beautiful soul I've ever known. You saved my life and helped so many. I don't know how to go on with out you because you are in everything I do, I miss you so mush and I wish there was a stronger word for miss but there isn't." I laughed." just promise make you'll save a place for me up there some day."

After the funeral Billy came up to me and gave me a hug. He also handed me a giant box. He pursed his lips and said "it's something Jake left you. Open it when you're alone. He loved you .you know he was so lucky to have you in his life" I interrupted his "no I was the lucky one I will miss him." I choked out. He wrapped his arms around me and said "I love you like a daughter and don't forget me visit me and keep in touch promise me." "I promise," I vowed. I left then when I got home I went to my room I sat at my desk and stared at the box. But was unable to open it. So I just stared. After a few hours I finally got the courage to lift up the lid and see what was inside. The first thing I noticed was an envelope.

Dear bells ,

I've been sick for months now. But I felt it would be best if you didn't know. I needed to have the normality. But, I can't tell you. How hard it was for me to hide from you. When I found out my cancer was back 3 months ago. so I decided to get ready for the worst so I made this box for you and told my dad what was in it and that if I die to give it to you. But I went into it yesterday and rewrote this letter because I know it wouldn't make sense any more because I had taken my own life rather than wait for it to have happened on its own. You see I had to make sure you knew my reasons. Last week I got a call that my cancer had spread I had been undergoing treatments but it didn't work. It was no longer treatable and the doctors said I had 2 months at most to live. I decided then that I was sick of fate controlling my life. there was so much I missed out on and so much I wanted to do but I was to sick I felt to sick to try and take advantage. I hated that I was to sick to take care of you and to sick to be everything you deserved. So then I decided that I would control the things I had left. I would make sure that you would have what you needed to get away live and accomplish your dreams and second I would make sure my dad understood why. Last I would control my death because to me it's the only thing I might have a say in if I act now. That's why I have done this. I couldn't tell you because I knew you would try to stop me. I knew that I had no other choices left and that is my only reason for doing this. You can change your situation don't let you life waste away like your doing. I don't want to hold our back and I know that sitting here with me on my death bead will do just that. I know you can and will do better. I just think you need a fresh start so that's what I am leaving with you. I and my father talked about it and I want you to be the sole beneficiary of my trust fund. I want you to take this money for you and you only. Take it and get out of here. Forks will suffocate you. For get the past and live for the present. I know you will find your happiness. There are a few other things in this box. One is your bible written by me. If there ever should come a time that you need guidance from your best friend. I've wrote you instructions for almost every situation I could think of. It's a way to always have me with you. Last is a necklace I had it made for you wear it so you can be reminded of my wishes and my reasons for what I have done. Remember, I love you and even though I'm not there you always have me in your heart .I'm always here for you. I know you probably hate me for this and I'm so sorry bells. I hope you can forgive me and mostly I hope that you will save yourself and be happy. I just couldn't hold on please understand thins is not your fault. You where my one true love and the only thing that kept me alive. I hope that you move on because you deserve some one who can be around for you always and actually take care of you .in any other life we would have been soul mates together forever but not this one. You're perfect and beautiful and every day spent with you doing nothing was the happiness times of my life. I just hope you know that the hardest part of all of this was leaving you.

Love Jacob

PS.

I have one last thing to ask throw away all the razors and stop cutting and promise me you won't hurt yourself any more.

A/N: so I hoped you liked the first chapter ill update again soon please show me some love now and review. Oh and if anyone would be interested in being my beta for this story let me know thanx!!!