True Colors
Is my life finally my own to live, however I want?
No one to tell me otherwise?
Is it all over?
the humiliation
the hatred
the pain
the exclusion
Is this for real?
It can't be. I must be dreaming, but even so. It's a nice dream.
The dream is about how my life, which have been a living hell, where all my decisions in life haven't been mine too make, where my whole life was a book, already finished and published by someone else before my heart had even taken it's first beat. A book where I was forced to be the main role. I didn't want to be, but I didn't have a choice, I couldn't change it.
"To mom and dad.
I was given this brief moment on earth, by you, mom and dad. And during this time, I have experienced so many things, like happiness, hurt, regret, pain, exclusion, humiliation and of course love. And it is love that have brought me here, sitting by my desk, writing this. Love also brought me to the most beautiful man I have ever had the pleasure to lay my eyes on.
I will miss what I have gained in this life, but reunite with what I have lost.
Because what I lost, was someone who will never be replaced, or found again. At least not in this life, not anymore.
This is the road I have chosen, because, this is my life to do whatever I want with. This is my life to be whoever I want to be, and love whomever I want to love.
I don't know how to write this, but I'll try.
Mom, Dad. I love you so much. More than you'll ever know. But this is my choice, and I know this life is over for me. I died with him. I'm not choosing him over you, it's not like that. I love you with all my heart, but I'm IN love with him, he is my other half, without him I can't live.
He showed me this, affection and love that I didn't even know existed. It felt like heaven on earth every time we locked gazes with each other. This heaven is a place where I never had been before and never have since then. He opened up a whole new world, right in front of my eyes, and I loved it mom. Dad, you probably don't believe me, but it's true I swear on my life that it's true.
I want to feel alive again, just like I did when I was with him. I can't remember being alive before I met him and after we parted. It was as if I didn't exist until he gave me life, and when he died, it followed with him.
I want to live my way, by my own terms. Not by the book.
Dad, I just wanted to know that I was good enough, to be called your son. I always did as I was told because I wanted to see you smile, to make you proud. But, it felt wrong. I'm sorry I couldn't be the perfect son that you wanted me to be.
Mom, I have never forgotten who I am, you always knew, and you still loved me for who I really was, and for that I am thankful. Because of your strength I managed to live through all the hard times. And thank you for loving dad and supporting him when he got too upset with me, and for loving him through thick and thin. Please continue to do so, because I think you'll be the only thing keeping him alive from now on.
I always knew I was different.
But, I never let this feeling inside me see the light of dawn, until I met him.
I couldn't help myself, he was perfect.
I'd like to think that I didn't have a choice, that I had to show my true colors. Because he gave me the strenght and will to live, to be myself.
I wanted to be happy, because I'm, me.
I wanted to be strong and free.
I wanted to see the day go from dusk to dawn, so when I opened my eyes the next morning, I wouldn't have to be scared, because I would still be me.
I was here, and I wanted to live a life that was mine, and mine only.
And the heaven that Phil showed me, I'm going to find it. Because I know that he'll be there, waiting for me.
I wanted to know that I had lived my life as myself.
And I wanted to know that I would be leaving this life as myself.
So, mom, dad.
Thank you for giving me this life, Thank you for raising me. Thank you for the love and affection that you have given to me, so unconditionally. And thank you for giving me my computer, because without it, I wouldn't have met Phil.
Thank you.
Love - Dan."
- Isa Sophie Ring