Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.
For Now
Chapter 1: Botan
Botan still remembered her first time.
It had been with him.
She remembered how new it felt to her, remembered how it had hurt her, yet made her feel so good at the same time, how the air was thick with sex and sweat and, how she had loved every minute of it.
It was the start of their relationship.
Of course, their relationship, wasn't something they would call love. Love had nothing to do with it. She didn't think they had loved each other when it all started, nor did she think there was love between each other now. Though she'd rather like to think that they weren't just friends with benefits, because she cared for Kurama. And she knew he felt the same way for her, by the way he would go rough with her, but soften when he thought he was hurting her too much.
Just not in a romantic way.
Or, at least, that was what she once thought.
She had remembered the first time she'd realize her feelings for him, the first time she had ever felt jealous. She didn't like the way other women stared at him, nor did she like them talking to him, or getting too close to him.
It had first struck her as something confusing and shocking. Something so surprising that she didn't know how to handle it. But, as time passed, and more jealousy rose, she got used to it. Got used to feeling like she was head over heals over Kurama, got used to feeling so insecure whenever she was with him.
She got used to being jealous.
But that didn't meant she liked it.
She knew though, she didn't really had any right to feel insecure, or jealous even, because Kurama wasn't hers. The little relationship they had was something but lovers. But, she couldn't help herself. Couldn't help herself from sometimes feeling like she hated him for having any contact with any girl. Couldn't help herself from feeling so lonely whenever he wasn't around.
She'd loved him, then she'd feel jealous. She'd hate him, avoided him for days, then feel like she was empty without him. She'd go back to him, and let herself drown in him. But then she'd be feeling jealous again. And the circle kept repeating itself over and over again. Again and again she left him, and again and again she came back to him.
It was tiring.
But, she didn't think she mind.
She let herself go crazy over him.
Most times, she'd hope for him to love her back. She wanted to know how he felt. Yet, she knew who Kurama was. He was a genius who kept his feelings to himself. She still wished though, he would give her some hints. Hints that maybe he had the same feelings for her.
But then, she would think, what if Kurama didn't love her? What if he felt nothing but just a simple friendly — or whatever they were — caring?
She'd ask herself those questions repeatedly in her head, each time she would she end up with the same answer: She'd still stay with him.
Because she loved him too much to even think of leaving him.
And she thought,
even if he didn't love her, being with him was enough.
It was enough for now.
For now she would cherish the times she spent with him.
For now she would let herself wondering how he felt.
Then maybe, later, she'd ask him.