What would you do if the person you loved made you feel like you are nothing?
Not paying much attention to your struggles? Not taking enough care of you?
Making you cry more than laugh? Increasing your anxiety instead of butterflies in your stomach?
When you become strangers again?
I guess the best answer is to leave. There is no use in letting yourself suffer and that's what I did. I know he loves me, deep down inside of him but that isn't enough. I know things like but on your seat belt or I made you your favourite dish are ways of saying I love you but to me, those 3 words spoken mean the most to me. They give me a reason to hold onto what I have. During the past months the I love yous had become less and less until one day, they stopped completely. To the question if he loved me, I received no answer. And to this day it stuck with me. Whenver I glanced at him, I felt a pang of pain in my chest.
The past months made me feel like I had been roaming in the ocean, helplessly. My trust in him shrunk day by day. Which eventually made me give us up. The pain this decision caused me had almost been unbearable but isn't it way better than being in constant pain? Rick had always been a genuinely kind person but his actions had become more harming without him noticing. His tenderness had always been attracting me but it turned into bitterness over night. Fighting became the top priority on our to-do list. Ugly fights to say at last. So I finally got the guts to let go. It made me cry and scream. Made me a sobbing mess with make-up all over my face. I guess I didn't love him enough anymore to except his flaws. To except our flaws.
I ended up knocking on his door, shaky and hoarse from crying. The look on his face resembled my own. A mask of pain. We were just two lonely people again, desperate for affection. Craddling the memories like a baby. Avoiding all the places we used to go.
Moving on or at least trying to. Well for me, it had been going the way I wanted it to. Easy. Nothing in my life had been easy before but I guess that during the past months I untied myself from our relationship, giving me the space I needed. And I ended up seeing another guy. Of course, he didn't touch me the way Rick did. Didn't feel me on that mutual level but it was enough for me to cover the pain. To distract myself. To get over him or at least attempted to. To put up a mask of happiness for the sake of love. Maybe one day, I will be able to look back and not feel any pain at all. In the meantime I'll just try my best to survive. To avoid being sucked into the darkness that had been covering my sky.