Disclaimer: The author is in no way, shape, or form in any form of association with World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), any of the wrestlers mentioned in this story, or anything else. I just wrote the thing. Please enjoy.
Warnings: Angst, mentions of Ambrolleigns, some alcohol consumption, and did I mention angst?
It proved to be just hopeful thinking when Roman thought everything would become water under the bridge after he announced his engagement three months ago. He had been happily in love for years now and had realized it was probably well overdue and finally time to tie the knot. Here he is, though, in the WWE, on the road the majority of the year with two of the men who had become his best friends in the last few years. He should have known whatever had been building between all three of them wouldn't just diminish like dust at the mention of his new engagement.
With Seth, it had been a little too easy, which terrified him to say the least, but Seth was always a tactical guy. He got it. He understood. He had someone of his own to go home to when the time called for it. He supposed he should have expected it to be easy enough with the architect of the Shield. So, perhaps only a part of him thinking everything would be fine was hopeful thinking. He should have planned well on ahead for Dean Ambrose, who tried his damnedest to get it through his head, but still had trouble controlling himself.
They're wrestling around in the hotel room, on the road again. Dean had started it by tapping a hand across Roman's face to instigate it. Dean was still running off the adrenaline from the show, a wicked grin on his face, a certain pleading to his blue eyes that always got Roman to cave. Roman thinks he has the upper hand, pinning Dean down to the mattress, until Dean gets a knee into Roman's side, making him lose his hold as he attempts to protect his ribs. The move proves to be trouble, as Dean flips them and pins Roman down instead.
They're both struggling – Roman to gain control back and Dean to maintain his control – when Dean leans down and kisses him. It's something that happened already before. It was something that none of them had a problem with. They were on the road by themselves and didn't trust anyone else. It's just something they did and that's what they chalked it up to. Dean was the loneliest of the three of them, not even having someone to go home to, so when he needed something, one of them would try to be there for him.
Roman allows the kiss for just a few moments before he's pulling away and turning his head. "Dean," he mutters, shaking his head some. The message is received and Dean is pulling away, sitting up and moving to the side. Dean's hand is briefly at his own lips, pulling at them, rubbing at them. He's thinking and Roman doesn't know if he really wants to know what's on his mind.
"You love her," Dean murmurs, but it's not a question. He knows he loves her. Roman's been in love with her for the better part of the last decade. Dean knew this; hell, everyone probably knew this. "But you love me too. You've told me that before. And that's just… that's what I can't wrap my head around. You're… You… You just stop loving me, just like that? Because you're engaged, which I'm fucking glad about, by the way. I am so happy that you're finally going to be tying the knot because you two are a great fucking couple. But… Is-Is that how love works? Is that what I've been missing out on? Because everyone talks about how it's some kind of magical thing and I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside out right now, Ro."
His voice sounds broken, true to his words about feeling like he was being torn apart. It makes Roman's throat go dry for a moment, sitting up and pushing a hand through his hair, clearing his face of the dark locks. "No, Dean, you know that's not…" he's waving his hand out, looking for some form of the words he can't string together. "I still love you. You know that. I can't just stop loving you. But… man, where do you honestly see this going? We're on the road. Things get… Things get rough and we're there for each other, but where do you see this going? Where are you picturing us being in five year?"
The words seem to stir something unpleasant out of Dean, who actually gives a broken laugh and shakes his head, a look of pure agony crossing his face. Roman never wants to see that look on his face again. He's reaching for him to try and provide comfort, but Dean is holding a hand up, making Roman drop his own hands again. "I don't know where I saw this going because I never know what people want from me," Dean deadpans, his face contorting in pain again, pressing his lips together, blue eyes watering. Roman feels like he's watching a terrible accident or witnessing something he should have never seen. Dean was never supposed to break like this. Dean was the one who always kept strong. The one who showed no pain. "I would have been your... I could have been. I wouldn't have minded spending the rest of whatever life I have left with you."
The words tear into Roman for more than one reason. To hear Dean talk about that, about being okay to settle down and have a future with Roman and being willing to give up picking up chicks and everything that made him Dean was something that Roman never would have thought would come out of Dean's mouth. And then there's Dean mentioning the fact that he thinks he's going to die young, hidden in those words. Roman is immediately standing, walking towards him. "Dean," he murmurs, trying to defuse the situation so they could talk about this. He wasn't going to have Dean admitting that he would have spent his life with Roman end up in a fist fight.
Dean is jerking back when Roman is reaching out a hand, his breathing a bit more rugged, his eyes a bit more wet, and he's out the hotel room door before Roman can stop him. Roman feels vaguely like all of this could have been handled better, but for the most part, he felt like was being torn in two and he didn't know what to do.
Even after Seth came back with the takeout they all agreed on, Dean didn't come back. Even after Roman explained everything to Seth and Seth called Dean to try and get him to come back, he didn't come back. Roman was left feeling like he had royally fucked up. He didn't sleep that night at all. He stayed up waiting to hear the door open, but it never did.
He didn't hear from Dean again until the next day when the short-haired man called him. The thing is, Roman had been in a car half out of it at the time and forgot his phone was in his bag, so it had gone to voicemail. On the message he left, Dean sounded like he was in a better place than he had been the previous night, even if he did sound a bit hung over.
"I fucked up!" Dean announced from the beginning, his voice cracking and a humorless chuckle sounding. "I know you'd be telling me that I didn't, but I did, Ro. And I know I did. I let my emotions get the better of me and I was selfish and I didn't think of you or anything. I'd been… I'd been thinking about all of this since you told us and you said that things had to stop. I just let it all bottle up and it just exploded and I fucked up real bad, even if you don't agree. I fucked up so bad that now you know my little secret. My little secret about how I am… horrendously in love with you. God, it's terrifying. Never in my life had I thought I would be wanting to settle down, but never in my life had I thought I would meet anyone like you. Someone who challenges me. Someone who knocks me back down into place. A Samoan god of power…" another breathy chuckle that held more pain than anything. "But what's that thing they always say about love? That you're happy because they're happy, right? That's what love is all about. It's about selflessness or something. And I want you to know that… that I'm not expecting you to choose. I'm not. You're so happy with her, Ro, and I really am happy as long as you're happy. You just… You have to understand that this just hurts me a lot. It hurts to just be… thrown aside. But that's not what you're doing and I sound like I'm incriminating you and I'm not trying. I've been talking too long. All I wanted to do is let you know that I'm okay. To let you know that we're okay. We are. And I'm sorry for everything I said yesterday. Everything's fine now…" Dean trails off, and there's silence for just a moment before he adds a last, "I-I love you." And then he hangs up.
The wedding had been being planned for the better part of the three months. Mornings and nights, he was being called about things. They were to get married in another few months, deciding to have something done sooner rather than waiting even longer. When he calls his fiancée to tell her that he thinks they should postpone the wedding, no questions are asked. Things are accepted and understood and it's just simple. Roman is thankful for that.
The Shield continues with their rampages over Raw and Smackdown and just the entire WWE as a whole. He and Dean are, in fact, okay. There's nothing between them that people could pick up to say there was ever a problem in the first place. Even Seth seems to be put at ease after a few weeks. The strictly friend environment – as strict as the three of them could be, anyway – and a reasonable amount of space is what helps Roman think.
He goes over the scenarios for the future and who he would legitimately be happier with. He needs to think for his own sanity and for the care of whichever partner he might choose. The thing about this process is Roman is trying not to be biased. There are a lot of good thoughts for the future with both of them, really. And then there are their downsides. It hurts him to think about, pains him to fall asleep to. He knows a good week before he actually makes his decision out loud which of the people he would be happier with. He finally vocalizes his decision when seven days pass after he made up his mind. He calls his fiancée to discuss wedding plans, putting the wedding back on. It's easy and quick.
The conversation with Dean is another story in general.
He sits Dean down the night he puts the wedding back on. Seth had been in the room when it happened; had willingly offered to leave the room while they talked. So, Seth was out doing whatever it was that Seth felt would give them time. Dean seems to know exactly what's going on from the beginning, but he's kind enough to sit and listen to what Roman has to say.
"You're my best friend," Roman starts out by saying, which is indication enough as to what this was all about, isn't it? Best friend, nothing more, right? "And I love you more than I ever thought would be possible. You're my boy. You're… I trust you with everything. I trust you with my life. But… I don't think that the future is something that is feasible for us to have together." He feels like the words are harsh, like he could have phrased it better, but in the week he's been planning this speech, he could never find the right words. He bites his tongue, taking a moment to try and think of a way to make this… easier, somehow. It never comes, so he swallows hard and prevails. He needs to get this over with, for both of them. "As much as I love you, I can't be okay with… with my life being a cycle of fucking and fist fights. We're two dominant males who always need to be in charge and always get into a hell of an amount of fights. I can't…" He trails off, pushing his hand through his hair, feeling his eyes getting wetter as he speaks. All he can see is Dean's expression crumbling and blue eyes getting duller as they look at him. All he sees is Dean putting all of this on his own shoulders, blaming himself, when it's not his fault. "You're my boy. My baby boy. You know that. I just need to do what's best for both of us. And… And that's not what would be good for us."
"I understand," Dean whispers, giving a crooked smile that was perfected just for situations like this. Roman knows because he's seen it before so many times when the going gets rough. It's Dean's defense mechanism for no one to see his pain, hiding it behind quirked lips and winks. "I know you're always trying to do what's best for us, Ro. You're the one with the clear head. I've always got a lot of stuff going on up here." Dean taps a finger to his temple, standing up with a shrug, the crooked smile turning cocky to hide just how much he was breaking. "Just means I get to steal the show at your wedding because the best man is better looking than the groom."
Roman feels a laugh leave his lips without his consent and Dean's eyes brighten ever so slightly at the sound. "You wish your ugly mug could even be in the same league as me, bro," Roman murmurs and he's moving forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Dean. It's a brief moment of tense hesitation before Dean is finally wrapping his arms around Roman in return, face tucking into the Samoan-Italian's shoulder. It was like they were trying to hold each other together, because might be best for the future, but it sure hurt like hell right now.
It was two months later and Roman's in one of the guest bedrooms because they decided to have the wedding in his parent's backyard – which was probably the only inexpensive place with enough room to fit both of their families. He's looking in the mirror at himself, feeling like his nerves were about to make him pop a blood vessel somewhere. He's not regretting this, not at all, but he kept feeling like she would find someone better a few years down the road, and he couldn't blame her if it happened.
He's still staring at himself in the mirror when Dean is knocking on the door and entering, giving a dazzling smile. His hair is slicked back and he's in a suit. Someone had to have helped him dress. Roman makes a mental note to thank Seth later for that. "You ready to get on down the aisle, Mr. Man?" Dean asks with a twinkle to his eye.
Things had slowly gotten better between them over the course of the few months. Dean managing to find something to make him happy – or so Roman was hoping – and looking less like he was losing his light and more like he was gaining it.
"I think I'm just about ready," Roman confirms, fixing his suit jacket and turning to face Dean, spreading his arms in a pose. "How do I look?"
It's not the right question to ask. Dean looks at him like he's the sun being presented to him on a silver platter. His eyes water some, a sheepish smile coming to his face, moving forward to straighten Roman's jacket and fix the handkerchief that was in his breast pocket. "You look good," he whispers honestly, giving a stiff nod. "You look happy."
That was all that was supposed to matter. Roman can't help feeling like Dean's not happy though. That neither of them would be able to live up to their words. Roman gently takes Dean's hands where they're still on his jacket. "I am," he whispers, honestly, almost as a promise, and Dean nods quickly, still stiff.
"I know," Dean whispers, giving a smile that wasn't forced, but wasn't entirely happy. "I know you're happy and that's all I want." He squeezes Roman's hands, resting their foreheads together for a moment. "You still love me?" He dares to ask after a few moments of silence.
"I do," Roman whispers and Dean clenches his eyes shut as the words roll over him. "You know I do. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop." But that doesn't change anything and I'm sorry, goes unsaid, but it's heard. That much is obvious when Dean is sniffling back his tears, opening his eyes, tilting his head back to keep them from falling. Roman wants to do something to help, so he offers a squeeze of his hand. Dean gives a slight smile, but otherwise, he's pulling away again and nodding.
"You too," Dean murmurs, patting Roman's arm. "C'mon, big man. It's your day. Get out there. If you don't come with me, your mom comes in next."
So, they go out and they have the ceremony and it's everything that Roman hopes it would be and more. She's beautiful. Dean looks genuinely happy for them. Everything works out perfectly and it's beautiful. Even the reception is going wonderfully, with dancing and drinks and food. Roman doesn't think he could have hoped for a better day.
But just because the day is going well, he can't bring himself to be surprised when Seth comes to tell him Dean left, though, only an hour into the reception. He just nods and accepts it. They have to take these roads on their own sometimes and he can't expect Dean to stay after so much that they've been through. There's nothing Roman could do right now. He doesn't know if there's anything he can do ever, and damn does it make him feel useless. Dean wouldn't mention it, Roman knows, but it would always be something looming over their heads.
He downs one drink, in honor of what could have been, but in the end would never have stuck. Then he grabs another.
Okay! So, that was my first attempt at Ambreigns! I decided to make it angsty because Georgia gave me reign over the ending. So!
Reviews would be great! I hope I didn't completely butcher Roman's character!
~Ash