A/N: The idea for this story was born from trying to come up with an idea for another story. Since it didn't mesh with what I needed, I tweaked it a little and wrote it as a separate piece.
The silver metal of her gun gleams with an intense ferociousness in the bright sunlight, nearly blinding her. She's held this gun so many times before, but today it feels so much heavier. In her hand, it's like an iron weight, three times heavier than her muscles can support. She clutches the gun tightly, with a vise-like grip. It causes her knuckles to turn as white as the fluffy clouds that give the brilliantly blue sky a sense of softness and peace. And the veins in her hand threaten to burst out through her skin. She squeezes the firearm with even greater force and her hand nearly melts into the metal. Her fierce hold on the gun consumes so much power that her hand shakes a little, but she doesn't hesitate as she raises the weapon, takes aim at her target and prepares to fire.
Her finger is poised over the trigger and she's ready to fire the waiting bullet into her mark and bring life to an end, when she hears a familiar voice shouting. It's so loud that the sound vibrates in her ears and causes them fill with pain. She's almost surprised that her eardrums don't rupture and begin to bleed. The screams are so overbearingly loud that she nearly finds the words unintelligible. But she does hear them, and she does hear the absolute desperation they carry. "Wait! Sarah! No! Please don't!"
"Chuck, this is something I just have to do. You shouldn't be here. Please go home. I don't want you to see this," she answers, as her resolve shatters and she starts to cry.
Chuck sprints toward her, pushing his legs as hard as he can, desperate to reach her before it's too late, before she pulls the trigger and kills her mark. He's racing toward her so fast that all of his air is nearly sucked out of his lungs, but he doesn't stop running. He doesn't stop calling out to her. Despite all of his heart-wrenching pleas and his tears, which cut her like a knife, her aim doesn't waiver from her target, herself.
As he moves ever closer to her, Chuck remembers how he came upon such a horrible sight.
He had just returned home from his appointment with Dr. Kline and was ready to see Sarah. But when he gets inside, he doesn't find her. What he does find however is a note. It takes him several minutes to ascertain its meaning, but when he does, he bolts out of the house so fast that he forgets to even shut the door.
He jumps back into his car and speeds down the highway, having no idea where he was going. As he rapidly propels the car through the streets, the note continues to burn in his brain. The words on the page are written so vividly in his mind that he can think of nothing else, that's when he realizes he knows where to find Sarah.
Chuck spins the car around almost immediately, ignoring several laws in the process, but he doesn't care. He has to get to Sarah right away. Reaching her as fast as he could was the very definition of an emergency, lives were at stake.
Now knowing his destination, Chuck swiftly accelerates down the road. He focuses on getting there. He knows that's where he'll find her. The note didn't expressly tell him where she had gone, but he had inferred from the context clues that there was only one place in the world she could be.
He reaches the beach in record time. They've spent so much time here, built so many special memories on this beach. Because of those memories he knows that he'll find Sarah here. He scans the beach looking for her and he spots her atop a low, rocky cliff overlooking the beautiful sandy beach.
He jumps out of the car, abandoning it, leaving the keys in the ignition and the door wide open. The car tries to alert him to the ajar door, but he doesn't listen. He doesn't care. He just keeps his eyes locked on Sarah. As he runs across the beach in her direction, his Chucks kick up the sand, leaving a trail of his desperation behind.
As he draws closer, her figure grows larger. He's now near enough that he sees the barrel of her gun pressed firmly against her temple. The sight is so crippling, that it nearly robs him of his voice. But he forces himself to scream at her, pleading with her to stop.
He's now made it to the spot at the top of the rocky cliff where Sarah stands, ready to send a bullet from her favorite gun spiraling into her brain. "Sarah, please don't do this," Chuck chokes out through his tears.
"I'm sorry, Chuck," Sarah responds, continuing to cry. "I just can't do this anymore. I can't. I'm sorry."
"No Sarah. Please, no. Please, I love you. You can come with me to therapy. It could help you."
"No, I can't Chuck. You know I'm not comfortable talking about my feelings, especially not with strangers. And definitely not about this. I have to do this Chuck. I'm sorry... Goodbye Chuck... I love you."
"Sarah! Don't! Please!" Chuck pleads desperately, as his voice breaks even further. "I can't lose you too. If you do this, you'll have to kill me too. Losing you would just be too much."
That got Sarah's attention and she lowered her gun a little, but she still wasn't ready to abandon her plan. She just couldn't bear the suffering of her heart anymore. The last few months since it happened have felt like an eternity and all the while a cobra had coiled around her heart, squeezing the delicate muscle, tighter and tighter, until she just couldn't take it anymore.
She remembers her darkest day so vividly, that it feels like it's happening right now. It's always happening. That day has become her whole life. There is nothing else. She lives it over and over constantly, continuously, in a never-ending cycle of extreme pain, suffering and torture.
She cries all the time now. She hasn't been able to stop crying since before that day. She can't control it. She can't stop the tears. Her tear ducts are broken and they can't contain the flow of her pain. Her face is always stained with wet, freshly shed tears.
The sound of the monitor flat-lining always echoes in her ears. It's a heart-piercing sound that she can never forget. She still remembers every word that was said at the funeral. She hears it every night in her dreams. Then she wakes up. She hasn't gotten more than three hours of sleep nightly in months. And sometimes she goes for days without ever even closing her eyes.
She remembers where it all started, the events that led up to the darkest day of her life. The day he died and her world ended forever.
She's yanked awake from a peaceful sleep by a mysterious force in the middle of the night and instantly she knows something is wrong. He needs her. She looks over at the other side of the bed and sees Chuck sound asleep with a contented smile on his face. He apparently wasn't woken by the urgent need. She doesn't question why, she just springs out of bed and flies down the hall toward Xavier's room.
He's still sleeping, but just looking at him she can tell that something is wrong. The color in his cheeks is nearly nonexistent. When she touches his pale face, his skin is on fire. His breathing is ragged and his heart is racing. She's seen more than she needs to and races out of the room and back to Chuck to forcibly awaken him. Five minutes later, they're on their way to the hospital.
When they arrive, the nurses hook him up to various machines to monitor his condition and the doctors begin to run tests on him to determine what's wrong. They run so many tests that Sarah looses count. The doctor's are baffled. They have no idea what is making him sick or why he has now suddenly slipped into a coma.
The medical experts at the hospital try everything to learn what has happened to Xavier, but despite their best efforts they are unsuccessful. Three days later, while in the loving embrace of her arms, he breathes his last breath and Sarah's two-year-old son dies.
She never got to say goodbye. Or tell him that she loved him one last time. After he fell into a coma shortly after arriving at the hospital, he never woke up. She never got to see his soft blue eyes again. She never again got to see his adorable smile or hear his precious little voice. She lost him way too soon and now she would never get to see him grow up, never get to see the person he would have become.
She cradles his limp, lifeless body, which is already growing cold, for as long as the hospital will allow. She cries as she strokes her fingers through the dark curls that fall over his forehead. She whispers, I love you in his ear. And while she still has him in her arms, holding him for the very last time, she tells him everything she wants him to know. She can barely get the words out over her crying, her body is completely wracked with violent sobs. Her words come slowly, but she makes sure they come. "My precious Xavier, I'll always love you and I'll never forget you. You'll always be my baby, my little boy, my son. You'll live in my heart forever. I love you so much, baby."
After what seems all too soon, the doctor comes in to take her child away from her forever. She doesn't want to let go, she never wants to give him up, but the doctor gives her no choice. She kisses him one last time and says goodbye.
The funeral to honor his memory is held at the end of the week and she's so overcome with grief that she barely knows anyone else is there. She was never supposed to be here. Her baby wasn't supposed to die. He was only two-years-old. His life had just begun. She never got to truly know him. She barely got a taste of motherhood and the incredible love that comes along with being a mother, before it was savagely ripped away from her. That's not the way it was supposed to work.
She had been given the greatest gift in life, then had it taken away from her after what felt like only a moment. There was nothing worse than that. Nothing was more painful. Nothing was more unbearable. Nothing could ever affect the heart or soul more. Nothing could ever compare to loosing your sweet little baby.
Chuck is still speaking to her, still making his plea, but she hasn't heard his words. The pain invaded every part of her as she relived her child's death yet again, and everything in the outside world faded away.
She's crying harder now and when she's once more aware of where she is and what she's here for, she stops Chuck's entreaty. "Chuck, it just hurts too much. I miss my baby, my little Xavier too much. I can't forget the day he died in my arms. I relive his death all the time. It always feels so fresh, like it just happened today, and yet I feel like I've been separated from him for an eternity. I haven't been able to stop crying since losing him four months ago. I can't keep going on like this. The pain is just more than I can bear." Sarah then raises her gun back up and again presses the barrel against her temple.
"Sarah! Sarah! Wait! Do you remember coming here with Xavier? How much he loved this place?" Chuck asks, trying a different tactic to get his wife to reconsider what she was doing, by attempting to get her to think of happy times with Xavier. "He would just sit in the sand for the longest time, completely enthralled with scooping the sand up with his little plastic yellow shovel and filling his blue bucket. And he always got a big kick out of knocking it over and spilling the sand. He always laughed that cute little laugh of his when the bucket toppled over. Then he would sit the bucket upright again and refill it with sand."
"And he loved the water too. Do you remember how we used to sit in the edge of the tide together? He loved kicking his little legs and slapping his little hands in the water. He enjoyed the sound it made and he always found it funny if he manged to splash one of us. We spent so much time on this beach together as a family."
"Of course I remember," Sarah answers, sobbing as she collapses to the rocky surface below. "I remember everything about Xavier." Chuck kneels on the ground with Sarah as she continues to speak. "He was such an amazing boy. Chuck, I loved him so much. I still do," she said through sobs, as she fell into Chuck's chest.
"I loved him too, Sarah," Chuck responds, wrapping his arms around his emotionally distraught wife. "I understand how painful it is. It's hard for me too."
Chuck pushes her shoulders back and forces her to look into his eyes. Wiping the still falling tears from her face with his thumb, Chuck continues. "Just please don't do this, sweetheart. Don't use that gun. Don't kill yourself, please. I'm still here. Please stay with me. I can't lose my whole family. I wouldn't survive that. Please Sarah. I'll be here for you. I'll help you any way I can. Do anything for you. I love you." Chuck took Sarah's face in his hands and moved in closer, making sure he had her undivided attention. "I need you to understand that. I love you, Sarah. I. Love. You."
"I just don't now how to live my life without him in it. It feels so empty without Xavier. Losing him left a huge hole in my heart. He was so special. My sweet little prince. My little angel."
"I know, sweetheart. I know," Chuck responds, again taking Sarah into his arms. Her cheek rests against his chest and his arms are wrapped around her waist, holding her close. The gun now lay on the ground beside them, where Chuck's hoping it will stay.
"I remember the day he was born," Sarah whispers, while her eyes still shed the tears, reflective of her pain. He was so beautiful. So perfect. He looked like you."
"He looked like you too, Sarah. He had your eyes, your nose and your beautiful smile."
"I held him for hours after the nurse put him in my arms, just staring at him. I couldn't believe I was a mother. I couldn't believe how much I loved someone I had just met. I didn't know that kind of love was possible until Xavier was born."
"You were a wonderful mother, Sarah."
Sarah starts sobbing harder and she finds it hard to speak. She can barely say her next words. They are too intensely painful to utter. What she says, causes her voice to completely fall apart. "Then why couldn't I save him, Chuck? Why did he die? What kind of mother lets her baby die? Chuck, I was his mother. I was supposed to protect him! I was supposed to take care of him."
"You did, Sarah. You did take care of him, very good care of him. You were so great with Xavier," Chuck says as he makes her look into his eyes again. "It wasn't your fault he died. There was nothing you could've done. There was nothing anyone could have done. You have to know that Sarah. You did everything right. You took care of his every need. You kept him safe and you gave him lots of love. He had everything he needed. He just couldn't be saved. His death was a terrible, terrible tragedy that no one could have prevented."
"My baby is gone," Sarah cries. "The little boy we made together with our love is gone. Our little Xavier."
Sarah weeps profusely, soaking Chuck's hands with her tears. Chuck doesn't say anything, because he knows there is nothing that he can say. No words would ease her pain or mend her broken heart. So instead, Chuck does the one thing that he can do to try to bring her even just a little bit of comfort. He wraps his arms securely around her and holds Sarah tightly in his arms, letting her feel his warmth, his love and his understanding.
As Chuck embraces Sarah lovingly with his supportive arms wrapped around her, they both cry over the loss of their only son, their only child. The only other sounds that can be heard are the waves of the ocean, softly crashing into the shore, with a peaceful melody. It plays a soothing lullaby for the grieving couple above on the rocky cliff, who had so often visited its waters, inviting it to be swept up into some of their most treasured memories.
When Sarah's tears quieten to a silent stream, Chuck looks deep into his wife's sorrow-filled, red eyes, trying to read what was written in them. "Are you okay now, Sarah?"
"No," Sarah answers. "I'm not." Chuck reflexively throws his hand over her gun, instinctively doing anything necessary to protect the woman he loved. Her words have filled him with so much anxiety that he nearly misses what she says next. "But I won't be needing that gun anymore."
Chuck lets out the breath he was holding and allows his heart to start beating again. "Do you really mean that Sarah? You don't want to kill yourself anymore?"
"I do mean it, Chuck, and no I don't. I don't need to anymore. I have you. As long as I have you, I won't need that gun. And Chuck, you have me. We'll help each other through this."
"Come on Chuck, let's go home," Sarah says as she rises to her feet and extends her hand down to her husband to help him up.
As Chuck takes her hand, he picks up her gun, which had nearly taken his wife away from him and killed his reason for living. Once he's on his feet again, Chuck returns Sarah's gun to her, confident that the danger has passed. Despite what had nearly happened with that gun earlier, he would be more comfortable if it was in her possession. He never really liked handling guns unless he had to have one. He had never quite gotten comfortable with them.
They arrived at this place separately, each in their own cars, but they don't want to go back home alone. So they decide to take only one car to return home. They agree that they will go in Sarah's car. Chuck is still too shaken by what almost happened on this beach today to feel comfortable driving. And he trusts Sarah to get them home safely.
Before getting into Sarah's car, Chuck removes the keys from the ignition of his and locks it up. They'll come back for it tomorrow. Today, they just need to be together.
They're on their way home when Sarah takes a detour. She stops by the cemetery where her son is buried. When they pull onto the grounds, both she and Chuck are overcome with crippling emotion and it overwhelms them. They haven't been here since his headstone was put up and they laid flowers on his grave. It's just been too painful to come back, the loss was too fresh.
Hand-in-hand they walk through the memorial park until the reach the gravestone marked, Xavier Brian Bartowski, Precious gift from God, lost too soon. The mere two year gap separating the day of birth from the day of death carved into the stone reflect just how devastatingly tragic the loss was.
They kneel in silent remembrance before the stone as they brush their fingers across its surface and imagine the happy smile of their son and his joyous laughter. Time stops when they remember their son and they have no idea how long they stay. They just know when the moment is right.
With their faces soaked with freshly shed tears, they say goodbye and walk back to the car to finish the journey home. When they arrive, they sit together on the bed and just hold each other. The security of being in one another's arms brought them the welcomed feeling of comfort.
When Chuck has his next appointment with Dr. Kline, he convinces Sarah to come with him. He tells her that she doesn't have to speak, that she could just listen if she wanted. Just to please come with him. He tells her how great Dr. Kline is and how much the counseling sessions have helped him deal with Xavier's sudden, tragic death.
Sarah's ready to try to begin the healing process and so she agrees to go with him. She doesn't say anything, she's not ready to speak yet. It's still too hard, too painful. She's only just now starting to get comfortable talking to Chuck about the tragedy. She's not ready to share her inner most feelings with a stranger yet. But she does listen to the words Dr. Kline has to say to Chuck and to herself as well, as she had promised she would. She also listens to Chuck's words and the feelings he expresses, as she silently sheds a few tears.
Together, Sarah and Chuck work through their immense grief, both with the help of Dr. Kline and on their own with the experiences and suffering they shared, that no one else could ever truly understand. Only they knew the emptiness that filled them. Only they knew how deep the scars that cut their hearts ran, when Xavier left their world forever.
Both Sarah and Chuck know they will never fully recover from Xavier's death. They won't ever get over it. They won't ever be able to truly put it behind them. That just wasn't possible. They will always feel the hole that losing him had left in their lives. They will always remember the pain of their broken hearts. They will always imagine what their lives would be like if their son was still with them, the things they would do together and memories they would share.
But Chuck and Sarah also know that one day they will be okay. They will be able to go on with their lives. They will find happiness again.
A/N: If you need tape to put your heart back together after reading this story, I'll try to supply some. I do hope you liked the story though.