Okay, another new obsession of mine, one that annoys me to no end but I still love. So here's a little oneshot that is nothign like what the title makes it sound like. Sorry it's been so long since I've posted, but I was a 'self-induced zombie' for Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, and even though today is already Thursday, it took a while for the zombieness to wear off. Plus I've been having troubel writing which started a self-induced panic attack where i was terrified that i couldn't write anything anymore. Hmm, I'm weird... i shoudl really stop inducing all of this stuff on myslef, shouldn't i?

Disclaimer: I've never written a book. Enough said.

I shivered and curled up tighter under my blankets, trying hard not to imagine Edward's strong arms pulling me closer to his icy chest. That just made me shiver more because I missed it more.

I could feel Alice's eyes fixed on me, and knew she was worried. Maybe my worries were just rubbing off on her, but I somehow doubted it. What if she'd seen something happening to Edward and hadn't told me? The panic built up in me, but as I stayed silent I could feel my heart beating against my chest. It seemed so impossibly loud, she must have been able to hear it – but her expression stayed fixed and blank, not giving anything away. Maybe she was a better person than I gave her credit for.

Not that I thought she was a bad person. I love her, really, I do, but I guess she annoys me a little. She's so easy going and relaxed all the time, it's very hard to be completely serious around her. And she'll never replace Jacob. Then again no one ever would, and I needed to realise that- I needed to accept that.

Her relentless gaze flickered for a moment as she blinked, and in that moment I couldn't help but feel as if a spotlight had shifted off me. It came straight back to me in less than a second.

"Why aren't you asleep yet, Bella?" I almost felt like faking it and pretending not to hear her, but the concern in her voice got rid of that idea quickly. Sitting up, pulling my sheets with me, I sat against my bed head and looked at her. Bad idea; her eyes were much too much like Edward's golden gaze.

"I'm trying to sleep." I blurted out, as if I thought I needed to defend myself. Her eyes flickered again as she blinked, and suddenly she was at my side, seated comfortably on the edge of my bed near where my waist was under the sheets.

We both stayed silent- me, cautiously avoiding her gaze and her trying to get me to look at her properly. I was on the losing side.

"But…" she prompted me, finally catching my eyes in hers. They stuck and I froze on the spot.

What was I supposed to tell her? That I'd been thinking about Jacob? That I missed him? I couldn't say that, she was Edward's sister; she knew as well as anyone that I'd made my choice. I'd chosen between my best friend and the love of my life. And I'd chosen him. She knew that, right?

"Bella, why can't you sleep?" She asked again, extending her cold hand to mine and touching it gently.

I sighed and shivered again. She quickly drew her hand away, evidently thinking that it'd been her fault I was cold. How could I explain the feeling that there was a hole somewhere in me? One that the wind would just blow through, letting its coldness seep through my veins. I bet she hadn't ever felt like that. I wish I'd never had to feel like that. Twice now… but notably not as bad this time.

A waver of guilt washed over my body at that thought. Was it wrong to love Edward more? Did he somehow not deserve my love?

The idea was almost laughable. I wasn't good enough for him, that much had been established years ago- when I'd first laid eyes on his complete and utter perfection.

Alice's hazel eyes were still fixed on me, digging through my weak defences and reading me like a book. I couldn't help feeling again as if she was a spotlight, exposing all of me to the entire world.

I knew I wouldn't be able to not tell her, and sure enough, it only took a few more seconds for me to give in. "I miss him." We were both surprised when a burst of tears dribbled down my cheeks, dripping onto the blankets pulled around me.

"Who?"

I looked up at her question, not even thinking of what I'd said the way she had. Was it normal for vampires to know people better than they knew themselves? According to Edward, everyone's idea of themself was as a flawed being, and it took an outsider to be able to see past those flaws. Was this the same thing? Or was it just her being suspicious?

I shook my head, more tears running down my cheeks. She kept her face expressionless as she leaned forward to comfort me- encasing me in her cold arms, so much smaller and more delicate than Edward's strong hold. But I knew better than to doubt her strength, and let myself fall into her hug.

More tears leaked from my eyes as I answered, my voice shaking with uncertainty. "I don't know." I shivered again but moved my arms to around her too so that she knew not to pull away. It was a nice feeling, having someone trying to help you, trying to protect from pain, even when they knew that they couldn't. This was probably the one thing that Edward couldn't protect me from. Himself.

Alice said nothing, probably knowing better than to ask anything. I don't think she wanted to know more; she didn't want to hear about me missing Jacob, crying over him. I winced as I remembered my promise to myself. Maybe it was good to have Edward go away for a while, maybe I needed to cry a little while he couldn't see me.

"Don't tell Edward." I murmured, my one almost begging. I felt her shift uncomfortably as she pushed me away. Her hands stayed on my shoulders as she held me up, forcing my puffy, red eyes to meet her perfect face.

"He'll know." She answered me, and I was surprised to see that she too looked sad, as if in some vague memory she could understand my grief and how I felt. "No one can hide something like this from him." I shook my head and looked down, but her eyes still dug into my forehead, barely visible under my messy hair. "He'll want to know, Bella."

I shivered again, this time pretending that it was the cold as I tried to move further under my sheets. She held my shoulders for a moment longer, and then released them slowly, watching me with a sad expression as I settled back into my bed and curled up into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest.

"Sleep," she murmured, brushing a strand of hair off my cheek. "Edward already knows. He's on his way back."

I frowned, and closed my eyes, trying to get the remainders of tears out of my eyes.

"He knows how you feel, Bella. Stop trying to hide it from him. He wants to help you." Alice's soft, comforting voice sounding almost as if she were begging me. It was the closest I'd ever heard to hysteria in any vampire but Edward's tone.

I shook my head stubbornly, wiping the tears off my cheeks with my hand briskly. There was no need for Edward to see me like this. He didn't want me to be upset about Jacob. I didn't want me to be upset about Jacob. That strange realisation hit me suddenly, and I stopped rubbing my cheek.

"I don't want him to help me." I said, my tone alive with a new confidence. Alice opened her mouth to respond but I interrupted her before she could. "Because I don't want to need help. I shouldn't need anyone to help me with this. It's over." I looked up at her, and could finally see that she truly did understand me. "I don't want him to see me crying, because I don't want to see myself crying. He's the side of me that keeps me to my promises. He's the good side, the whole side, the one without a hole in him. He's the side of me that I need to stay alive."

A small smile hinted on her face, and for a moment I didn't understand it.

"Metaphorically alive, I mean. Not physically." I amended, blushing slightly for no particular reason.

This time her smile was true, and I managed to reflect it, although definitely not looking as wonderful and beautiful as it made her look.

"Are okay, Bella?" she asked, her tone draped in relief. I nodded, that edge of confidence still with me. "I know I'll never quite be able to understand it, but I know what pain is, and Edward does too. He'll think it's strange if you recover too quickly, don't hide so much. Let him help you – let us help you." Her smile shifted to an encouraging one, open that might've been suitable for a dad encouraging his daughter to go talk to a friend (I tried not to think of the instances when I'd seen my dad wearing that smile, as most of them tended to involve… not Edward), and I nodded, biting my bottom lip.

"I will." I said, the smile dropping off my face. "I do, Alice. You – all of your family – has helped me so much. Thanks." I knew it sounded corny, and the fact that I looked away for the last word made it even more so. But I also knew that she could recognise the honesty in my voice.

With one more gentle touch of my cheek, she stood and went back to stand in the corner of my room, still smiling at me. I closed my eyes, and tried not to think how easy it'd be to stay awake for another half hour or so, so that I'd still be awake when Edward arrived. But it seemed that not sleeping for as long as I already had was taking its toll, and I didn't even get to start thinking to myself before I drifted back off to sleep.

For once I didn't dream about werewolves and vampires, and broken hearts and mournful howls. For the first time in what felt like a century, my sleep was finally peaceful.

With ice-cold arms wrapping around me, and soft frozen kisses being pressed to my forehead, I wasn't even sure if I dreamed at all- maybe Edward had arrived sooner than I'd thought. But I knew that at some stage I had that other side of me arrive, and I was complete again. At some stage there was someone to keep me honest and true to my word, someone to stop me mourning something that I would never truly lose. Someone who didn't want to close the hole in me, they just wanted to stop the cold wind rushing through it. They knew that one drop of blood was no reason to lose a war. Or start a feast, in their case.

Did the end make sense? I don't think it did... in case you didn't get it, Edward arrived. As for the drop of blood thing, I meant that one tiny thing problem is no reason to give up... but just saying that didn;t really fit the context, so i had to make up my own saying. I don't think it really worked. And I'm sorry that's so short, i think i have a longer Twilight two/three-shot coming up soon.