In a small town in England, there is a small store. And in the store is a magic Mirror of Truth. If you go up to it and tell the truth, you get a shiny piece of gold. But if you lie, you disappear.

A very ugly brunette came in, stood in front of the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England!" And poof, she disappeared.

Next came a fat, redhead. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England." Poof! She disappeared!

Then a drop-dead gorgeous Blonde came into the store. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think..." Poof! She disappeared.

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A woman was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

The woman replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

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During a Papal audience, a businessman approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope shook his head and said no to the offer.

Two weeks later the businessman approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined.

A month later the man offers 100 million, and this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announces his decision. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account."

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A letter workers may receive after Y2K...

January 4, 2000

Dear Valued Employee:

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing

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QUESTION: If a fire hydrant has H2O on the inside, what is on the outside?

ANSWER: K9P

(from our new stupid friend Shanna Mallory)

QUESTION: Why does the flamingo stand on one leg?

ANSWER: Because if it raises its other one it will fall over!!!

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A. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?

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Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up.

Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"

"What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God.

"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

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A woman takes her dog to the vet because it appears to be dead. The vet puts the dog on the examining table and looks him over. He listens with his stethoscope, flexes the dog's legs, looks in its eyes. Nothing.

Shaking his head, he informs the woman that there's only one way to tell for sure if the dog is really gone. He walks to a nearby cage and takes out a cat. To the woman's amazement, he takes the cat over to the examining table. Slowly, he lets the cat look at every part of the poor dog's body. When the cat lets out a sad purr, he puts it back in the cage.

The doctor informs the woman that the dog is dead. He escorts the sad woman to the outer office, where he hands her a bill for $450.00.

She is astonished at the amount and asks, "Why so much?"

The Vet explains that an office visit is $50.

She asks, "What 's the other $400 for?"

Doctor replies, "For the Cat Scan."