A/N: I wrote this story several years ago. In fact, it's the first fan fiction I attempted to write. Eventually, I took it down and moved on from fan fiction. I was recently re-reading it and noticing things that I would have done differently if I was writing it today. So, I decided just to fix it and re-post. If you have read L&F before, it is the same story with a few revisions. If you are new, I hope you enjoy it! There is a song that accompanies each chapter. I would encourage you to listen to them.
As background, the idea for this story came to me when I was listening to the song, "Where I Stood," by Missy Higgins. There is angst in this story, but there is also a HEA, so just hold on. Marriages are hard, and discovering who you are is even harder, but there are times when love really can conquer all.
Chapter One – That Particular Time (song by Alanis Morissette)
I sat at the kitchen table balancing the checkbook while Edward diligently pounded away at his laptop in the living room. We had been home from work for hours but besides the perfunctory, "hey, how was your day," conversation, we hadn't spoken more than a few words to each other all evening. We had even eaten in silence, mindlessly watching the news as we picked at our food. After finishing my lesson plan for the next day, I thought about going into the living room to watch Grey's Anatomy, but I knew that Edward preferred to work in silence. He would give me a crooked grin and nuzzle my hair when I sat down beside him, but it wouldn't take long for him to start to fidget and sigh when the chatter from the show became too distracting. So, I trudged up the stairs to our bedroom to watch television alone, again. I pulled on my pajamas, just an old t-shirt of Edwards and a pair of ratty sweats, he would come to be bed long after I fell asleep and would be gone before I woke up in the morning, so what did it matter what I slept in.
I never would have imagined my marriage would come to this. I felt the magic fading more and more each day. The ache in my chest had been growing over the past several months, but I had no idea how to make things right again. I couldn't even begin to figure out how things went wrong in the first place.
The day we were married was the happiest day of my life. We had waited until Edward finished his residency at Seattle Children's Hospital to get married so that we could start our life together without the stress of his hectic scheule. Gone were the days that Edward worked three days straight without sleep or got called to the hospital on his day off. All his hard work had finally paid off, and he happily joined his father's growing practice in Chicago. After Edward had left for college, his parents Carlisle and Esme relocated to Chicago. Emse grew up there, and she had always wanted to move back. Over the course of several years, Alice and Jasper and Rose and Emmett followed. I had known since the day I met the family that the Cullens were extremely tight knit, but the fact that all of their children wanted to live near their parents was a dramatic demonstration of their loyalty.
Once we were settled into our new home, Edward and I quickly fell into a comfortable routine, eating together each evening at our tiny kitchen table, sharing the details of our day and curling up together on the couch at night to watch television or read. We rarely went to bed separately. If one of us wasn't tired, we would just read or watch television in bed until the other was ready. Children were definitely in our future, but ever the planner, Edward wanted to get established in his practice before we started trying. Our married life was all I could have hoped it would be.
Two years into the marriage, Edward's father asked him if he would like to help him co-author an article for the New England Journal of Medicine. Ever the overachiever and still seeking the praise and approval of his father, Edward jumped into the project 110%. Instead of leaving the house at 7:30 in the morning and returning home around 6:00 each evening, he started getting up earlier and earlier to head to the office and work on the article. It wasn't long before he began bringing work home, perfecting and refining his article with a level of excitement that never ceased to both amuse and frustrate me.
Not content to sit at home and watch Edward bang away on his laptop, I joined a book club, started frequenting the YMCA, and spending more time with my sister's in law Rose and Alice. I thought that if I was busy, perhaps the nagging feeling that the dynamic of our relationship was changing would fade. I kept my concerns to myself because Edward seemed content in our life. Whenever I would bring up his long working hours, he would patiently explain that he was working so hard now so that he could build a good life for the family we were going to build together in the future. When I thought about the sacrifice he was making, I felt selfish for feeling neglected. But then, I would find myself alone again and my resentment would grow.
Days became weeks and weeks turned into months, and all the while I started to feel like we were more roommates than husband and wife. Still, Edward didn't seem to think anything was wrong. I loved my husband more than anything. He still made me laugh, he was the first person I called when something happened, good or bad, in my day, his crooked grin still reduced my knees to jell-o and when we made love, I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. But yet each day, the feeling that something was missing continued to grow. Before long it was all I could think about, there was something wrong and I just couldn't put my finger on it.
That night, I fell asleep watching Grey's Anatomy and woke the next morning with a heavy heart. I stumbled down to the kitchen, poured a cup of coffee, and opened the newspaper. I had read the same paragraph three times when I finally gave up. I was tired of feeling depressed, but I just couldn't figure out what was wrong. I closed my eyes and let my mind drift.
Edward and I sharing a microscope in biology class. Edward sneaking into my room and giving me my first kiss. Edward and I making love for the first time. Edward tricking me into going to prom with him. Edward helping me move into my dorm room at Dartmouth. Edward holding my hair as I threw up and cursed him for letting me get drunk. Moving back to Forks so Edward could start his residency in Seattle.
I opened my eyes and let my tears fall onto the morning paper. In a flash, everything became so clear - until that moment, I hadn't really thought about the fact that I had been with Edward half of my life. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss. I lost my virginity to him. We experienced the trials of college together. I had experienced every significant event in my life with Edward by my side. I choked back a sob as I realized that the distance in our marriage was just part of the problem. With a sickening clarity, realized for the first time that I didn't know who Bella Swan was apart from Edward Cullen. With that realization, I felt more lost than I ever had in my entire life. I needed someone to talk to; I needed my mother. God, how I wish Renee was here.
But she wasn't. My mom died when I was ten years old, and Charlie had never remarried. The closest person to a mother in my life was Esme. Since the day Edward first brought me home, she had taken me under her wing and treated me like one of her own children. I had always been able to talk to Esme about anything, but this was different. Alice and Rose were my two best girlfriends, but I didn't feel right talking to them either. All my life I had let so few people get close to me, and now when I really needed someone to talk to, I was all alone.
As I sat there, feeling sorry for myself, I wondered if I should find a counselor – someone impartial to help me work through the fears and doubts I was experiencing. I grabbed my iPad and googled "psychologists in Chicago." I laughed when the top ad was for Volturi Therapy Center, which just happened to be where Jasper Whitlock practiced. Taking it as a sign, I grabbed my cell phone. I didn't want to raise suspicions by calling his home or by cornering him at the next family gathering, so I decided to call his office and make an appointment. To my surprise, a patient had cancelled for that evening so I was able to get in to see him that same day. Tuesday was my normal night for spinning class at the Y, so I didn't need to make up any excuse to Edward as to why I wouldn't be home right after work.
I stayed at work late that evening, working on grading papers and pulling together information for my upcoming recertification. When the time came to leave for my appointment, I pushed my fear aside and headed across town. When I pulled into the parking lot, the weight of what I was doing finally hit me. I was really doing this, I was going to confess my feelings and fears out loud for the first time. I knew that after tonight, there was no going back. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I missed Jasper the first time he called my name.
"Bella? My chart says Marie Higgenbottom…" he trailed off while fidgeting with the file in his hands.
"Marie is my middle name and Higgenbottom was Renee's maiden name," I said by way of explanation. "I figured it would be weird enough without you wondering all day why I needed to see you." I was suddenly feeling very out of place and shrugged my shoulders, somehow hoping that would convey everything I couldn't say.
"I see, well, why don't we go back to my office." Jasper made a gesture with his hands toward the door that led to the suite of offices behind him.
I had never seen Jasper's office, and when I stepped through the door I smiled. His office was a shrine to the Civil War. The walls were covered with framed pictures, shelves held various relics he has collected over the years, and one whole bookshelf was filled with history books. I should have known that this is where he would keep his collection. Alice respected his fascination with that period of history, but there was no way she was going to allow one room in her immaculately decorated house be filled with "old, smelly junk."
I sat down in one of the plush leather seats and folded my hands in my lap. My thoughts flashed back to the few times I had seen a psychologist after Renee died. Charlie wanted to make sure that I was "adjusting properly," to the situation, so I was carted off to speak to a stranger about how I felt about my mother's death. Shuddering at the unpleasant memories, I pulled my mind back to the present. Jasper was staring expectantly at me, waiting for me to speak. When it was apparent I was waiting for his direction, he folded his hands on top of his desk and asked,
"So, what can I do for you, Bella? I assume this must be serious if you couldn't come over to the house and speak to me."
"Yes, I thought it best that I see you here and establish a more formal relationship," I cringed at the words, but it was the truth. Anything I said to Jasper as his patient was confidential and that was what I wanted. Alice could be relentless, and without the cover of privilege, I knew she would work on Jasper until he told her everything.
"I understand, but you do realize I can't see you in a professional capacity. I could lose my license…"
I immediately felt like the biggest dunce in the world. I hadn't even thought about the legal aspects of Jasper treating a family member. "Crap, I'm so sorry. I wasn't even thinking. I'll go; there is no way I'm getting you in trouble."
Before I could get out of the chair, Jasper stopped me. "I said I couldn't see you in a professional capacity. I'm more than happy to help you in any way I can. It just has to be Bella and Jasper talking, not Doctor and patient."
"Are you sure?" I asked. "I really don't want to get you in trouble."
"I'm sure, although just because we can talk informally doesn't mean there won't be trouble. I'm guessing Edward doesn't know that you're talking to me."
"He doesn't. Part of the reason I wanted to talk to you is because I have no idea of how to even him approach him about this."
"Well," Jasper started, "why don't we go ahead and finish up this session since you're already here and then plan to hang out, maybe have dinner once a week, and you can talk to me about whatever is on your mind."
"That sounds perfect. I really appreciate this, Jasper. And if anything goes down with Edward, I'll take the blame."
"I'm not worried about that now, Bella. Why don't you just tell me what's bothering you. Am I right that it has something to do with Edward?"
"Yes and no," I answered. I knew that answer was evasive, but it was the truth. I was frustrated with the state of our marriage, but I was also there because I needed to figure out how to find myself.
When Jasper didn't respond, I assumed that was my clue to continue.
"I don't know who I am without Edward…and that scares me. I've let him define me for so long…I just feel so lost." I didn't know what else to say, so I looked at my lap and twisted my hands together.
"Go on," Jasper said, giving me a sympathetic nod.
I spent the next hour pouring out my heart to Jasper. Every frustration, every fear fell from my lips just as freely as the tears fell from my eyes. He didn't interrupt, but did hand me a box of tissues. When I was done there was a long moment of silence. Jasper looked at me with sad, searching eyes and quietly spoke.
"Do you want to hear my assessment as your brother-in-law or as your psychologist?"
"Psychologist," I answered without hesitation
Taking another deep breath and pressing his hands together in front of him, Jasper began, "My preliminary diagnosis would be identity crisis coupled with mild depression." He paused, apparently waiting for a reaction.
"Go on, please," I asked.
"Erick Erikson developed the theory of identity crisis. The personal identity you adopted as a teenager was based, in large part, on the intense influence that Edward had on your life. Erikson believed that humans go through eight stages to reach full development. He postulated that by the time a person is a teenager, they are at the fifth stage of development. At this stage, we ask ourselves who we are and where we fit in. Erickson believed that if a teenager is allowed to explore, they will find their own identity. However, if they are pushed by significant persons in their lives, the teenager can develop an identity crisis. It is not uncommon for an identity crisis to happen later in life, and it seems that is the case in your situation.
You met Edward when you were seventeen. This is the exact age at which most teenagers start to contemplate their place in life. Please interrupt me if I'm wrong, but my recollection is that you and Edward were inseparable, and you had great respect for his clear sense of purpose in life." Jasper's eyes were soft as he looked into mine. I knew this conversation had to be very painful for him, and I hoped that he understood how grateful I was for agreeing to help me.
"I was so confused when I met Edward. I lived from one day to the next, the farthest ahead I thought was what I would cook Charlie that evening for dinner. When I met him, he knew that he wanted to go to medical school at Dartmouth. There was no question that he would join his father's practice. His future was so clear, and every decision he made was with that future in mind. I guess I latched onto that sense of purpose and adopted it as my own. I wanted to see Edward succeed at his goals more than anything, and I committed that I would do whatever was necessary to help him.
Edward was everything to me. He encouraged me to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to go to college. I just wanted to be wherever Edward was; I knew he would take care of me, that I would be safe if I stayed with him. I never realized how much of myself I was giving up. Oh God Jasper, I was so focused on making sure Edward's dreams came true that I never even considered my own." My voice trembled as I spoke. It was all starting to come crashing down on me. I had allowed my all-consuming love of Edward to get in the way of honestly thinking about what I wanted for myself, for my future.
Jasper nodded and began speaking again. "Bella, by not exploring your own personal identity, you have become confused and isolated. In official terms, you are 'identity foreclosed', which means that you made a commitment to Edward and the future he envisioned without question and without exploring any alternatives. You say you love and respect Edward, and I believe you. However, if you are going to have a full, honest, healthy marriage, you need to step back and begin to figure out who Bella Cullen really is."
"But how do I do that? My life revolves around Edward? How do I find myself and not lose him?" My voice was filled with desperation as I tried to hold back a new round of tears.
"I'm not going to lie to you, this is not going to be easy. You're going to have to dig down deep within yourself and some of the things you find might be painful to acknowledge. In the end, you're going to be in a better place, but the journey is going to take patience and strength." Jasper's voice had been gentle but firm as he spoke to me. He knew how much strength I drew from Edward and that finally finding my own was going to be difficult for me.
We sat in silence for the next few minutes. I could hear Jasper writing notes but couldn't muster up the energy to be curious about what he was writing. The last hour had drained me more than I thought possible. Instead of feeling better, I wanted to run from his office and stick my head back in the sand, content to ignore my fears and doubts. However, I knew that in the end that no matter how hard I tried, there was no way I could go back to the way things were.
"I'm so scared," I whispered, "Edward has been my constant for half my life. I love him, but I just don't know if it's enough right now." I put my hands to my face and sobbed, letting out all of the grief I had been holding in for so long. I heard Jasper walk around his desk and felt his arms lift me from the chair to wrap me in a strong embrace.
"I know how hard it was for you to come to me for help. I also know you are stronger than you give yourself credit for, you and Edward are going to make it though this," he murmured against my hair as he stroked my back. After a few moments he pulled away from me and looked into my eyes. "How much does Edward know?" he asked.
"Nothing really, I mean, he knows I get frustrated with his work habits, but besides that I do a pretty good job of keeping things hidden," I admitted. "Honestly, I just admitted all this stuff to myself recently. I've known something isn't right but figuring out what it was took me awhile."
Jasper returned to his desk, and I sat back down. My hour was up, and I knew Jasper would be eager to get home to Alice, so I asked, "So what's next Doc?" trying to inject some humor into the situation.
He gave me a small smile in return and stated, "Now, you go home to your husband. Let's plan on having dinner at Gino's next week, say 7:00? And I want you to bring two lists with you. For the first list, I want you to think about the areas of your relationship with Edward that are causing you conflict and how you think the conflict can be resolved. The second list should be a list of the things you want to find out about yourself, or things you would like to experience. Initially, I want to work on your marriage and your self-discovery separately. These two areas will merge at some point, but I want to go slowly and make sure that any decision you make about your marriage is carefully thought out." It seemed like Jasper had more to say, but instead he rose from his desk and walked silently to the door.
"I know you have my cell number, but this is my private cell number," he said as he extended a business card in my direction. "Alice knows not to ask questions when this phone goes off."
"Thank you again, Jasper, I'm afraid I've put you in a really awkward position here."
"Bella, it's fine. You're family. I love you and Edward and want both of you to be happy. Let's just take this a day at a time. Let me grab my stuff and I'll walk you out to your car," Jasper offered before grabbing his coat and briefcase.
In my car on the way home, my mind was full of everything Jasper and I had talked about in the last hour. In some ways I felt comforted knowing that I finally had someone to talk to about all of this. However, the thought of what lay ahead, and not knowing how it all would turn out, started to open up wounds that I thought were closed long ago.
Edward and I broke up the summer between our freshman and sophomore years of college. He thought it would be good for us to have some time apart. So I went back home to Forks, and Edward went to Europe with his family. That summer was the longest, most painful time of my life. After I got over my anger with him, the hurt and despair hit me like a tidal wave. A hole opened up inside my chest that I knew only Edward could fill. Thank God for Jacob Black. He helped pick up the broken pieces of my heart and mended them together the best he could. By the end of the summer, I was still mourning the loss of Edward, but I could laugh again, and it was all due to Jacob. Edward came home from Europe at the end of the summer and tearfully admitted he was wrong to break up with me. We had never been apart after that.
I felt that hole in my chest start to open just a little bit as I wondered if I could find myself and keep my marriage together at the same time. I gripped the steering wheel tighter and resolved that for now, I would push that thought to the very back recesses of my mind. I saw Edward's silver Volvo parked a block away from our house and suddenly felt an overwhelming need to be in his arms. Of course, I had to circle several blocks before I found a parking space. I took my time walking back to our townhouse. I wanted to clear my head before I walked in the door. I knew that I was going to have to have a very hard conversation with Edward very soon, but I didn't want to think about that until I had to.
I walked in the door and immediately smelled the inviting aroma of garlic and onions. I closed the door quietly and made my way back to the kitchen. Edward's back was facing me and I stood silently, just taking his graceful movements as he worked at the stove. He still had his work clothes on, but had rolled up the sleeves to his blue oxford shirt and probably removed his tie. His hair was in typical disarray, and I could hear him humming to himself as he cooked. I knew if I stood there much longer, I was going to start crying. I set down my purse on the counter and in my cheeriest voice said,
"Something smells delicious, is my wonderful husband making dinner for me," and walked to Edward, snaking my arms around his waist.
"Bella, I didn't hear you come in. I opened up a bottle of merlot, would you like me to pour you a glass?" he asked, as he continued adding ingredients to the sauce pan.
"How about I pour both of us a glass," I replied and walked over to the cabinet to get down two wine glasses.
"Thank you, sweetheart," Edward said when I set the glass beside him on the counter. He took a small drink before continuing, "As you can see, I'm making spaghetti this evening. There's salad in the refrigerator and garlic bread warming in the oven."
I was so touched by this small gesture. It was only dinner, but it felt like so much more to me. I wondered if he had been sensing my unhappiness and decided to do something to cheer me up. His voice snapped me out of my daydreaming. "Bella, there's something for you on the table," he said, giving me that crooked smile that even after so many years made my heart skip a beat.
I walked to the table and found a beautiful blush rose and a note which read,
"Bella, I know that lately I haven't been the husband you deserve. My love, you are my world and I couldn't imagine my life without you. I'm not going to let another day go by without telling you and showing you how much you mean to me. Love, Edward."
I sat down slowly, trying to hold back my tears. He knew that I was unhappy and he was doing all of this to tell me he was sorry. My heart began to ache as the thought I had tried to lock away started to creep back into my mind. If it came down to leaving, would I ever have the strength to hurt the person I loved most in the world, even if it meant finding myself?
I picked up the flower and went back into the kitchen. Edward was leaning against the counter, taking a drink of his wine when he looked up to see that I was crying. Setting the rose on the counter, I walked toward him and wrapped my arms around his neck, breathing in his scent. "Thank you Edward," I whispered into his neck.
He leaned back slightly and tilted my chin so that he could look at my face. "I'm so sorry for neglecting you, for neglecting our marriage. I thought I could do everything, and I have managed to hurt you in the process," he brought our faces together so that our lips were barely touching and whispered, "Please forgive me."
I curled my fingers around the hair at the nape of his neck and whispered, "Edward, you know I would forgive you anything." As I stood there, wrapped in Edward's embrace, I allowed myself to forget and just be. The ding of the oven timer alerted us that the bread was done, so we reluctantly broke our embrace so that we could begin assembling the food. I decided to set the table, grabbing a couple of candles from the china cabinet as I passed by.
For the first time in a very long time, Edward and I sat down to dinner together with no distractions. We talked to each other, holding hands across the table. After we were done eating, we sat there and finished our wine. I helped Edward clean up the kitchen, packing away the leftover food so that we would both have lunch to take to work the next day. When that chore was done, I turned to Edward, half expecting to see him on the couch, banging away on his laptop. Instead, he had changed into a pair of faded jeans and a Dartmouth t-shirt.
"I thought we could watch a movie, if that's okay with you," Edward said, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorframe. He looked so good standing there that I think I forgot to breathe. Edward cleared his throat and looked at me with an amusing grin.
"Oh, movie, yeah, that sounds great," I mumbled as my cheeks flushed.
"Bella, why are you blushing? I certainly don't mind being looked at like piece of meat if you're the woman doing the looking," he teased.
"I wasn't – you are so – gah, Edward, after thirteen years how you still manage to get me tongue tied is beyond me!" I huffed and walked past him, toward the stairs. He chuckled and playfully slapped my rear as I walked passed.
I changed into a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt and padded barefoot back into the living room. Edward had selected a movie and was waiting for me on the couch. I sunk down beside him and he immediately pulled me to him, encircling his arm around my waist. I laid my head on his chest and stifled a yawn.
"What movie did you pick out?" I asked. Edward had a huge collection of DVD's and somehow always managed to pick the perfect movie for my mood.
"I actually went by Blockbuster on my way home and picked up one I think you have wanted to see," he answered, "Love, Actually."
I had wanted to see that movie, and no surprise, it was appropriate for me in ways Edward had no way of knowing. We sat together on the couch watching the movie. Occasionally I would feel Edward kiss the top of my head, or he would grab my hand and bring it to his lips, but otherwise we spent the time in silence. My mind fought with my heart as I tried not to think about the unhappiness that nothing Edward could do would fix. A few tears slipped down my cheek, and Edward smiled. He was used to me crying during movies. Little did he know how much more sorrow these tears held.
When the movie ended, Edward shut off the TV and shifted me so that I was sitting on his lap. I lay my head on his shoulder and let his warm breath fan over my forehead. No more feeling guilty, no more thinking about my problems. This moment, this night I was only thinking about Edward and the love we shared. He rocked me slowly, tracing a line from my temple to my chin with his fingers and still we were silent. There was so much Edward and I could say without words, and this was one of those times that no words were needed. I didn't trust myself to speak, so I lifted my head from his shoulder and cupped his face in my hands. I tried to say everything I was feeling with my eyes. I needed Edward to know that no matter what, I could never imagine loving anyone as much as I loved him. Our lips came together in a soft kiss. Soon, I parted my lips and our kiss deepened into something more passionate. I lost myself to the sensation of Edward's lips on mine and adjusted my position so that I was straddling his legs. His hands softly caressed my back and sides, but always made their way back to tangle in my hair. I ran my thumbs along his jaw line, tracing its sharp angle and feeling the stubble against my skin. I pressed my lips to the soft skin below his ear and continued until I had left a trail of kisses down his neck. Pulling back to catch my breath, I let my eyes take in Edwards's messy bronze hair and reached up to stroke it softly. Next, I admired his smooth forehead, unmarred by lines or wrinkles. I leaned forward and gently peppered it with gentle kisses. Sliding my lips down, I kissed the thick eyebrows that he always complained about. Not missing a beat, I kissed each eyelid. Edward let out a sigh and began to rub my back.
I wasn't done with my exploration, but I drew my lips away from his face long enough to give him a small smile. Returning to his face, I kissed the dark circles under his eyes, wishing I could take them away. Then I kissed the bridge of his nose, his cheeks and the dimple on his chin. He was so self conscious of it, but it was one of my favorite parts of his face. Unless he shaved, it was hard to see, which was one of the reasons he had a perpetual 5 o'clock shadow. From his chin, it was just a small adjustment to reach his lips, but I wasn't ready quite yet.
I pulled back again and couldn't help the tears that formed in my eyes. I wanted to speak, but suddenly I just couldn't find the words. I had no idea how to tell Edward everything and nothing at the same time. Instead, I kissed him softly and rested my forehead against his. We sat like that, not moving or talking until Edward broke the silence with a whisper of, "It's getting late, love."
I nodded in acknowledgment, "You probably have work to catch up on too, and I should get to bed."
He reached for my hand as I turned to walk away. "No work tonight love. I'm coming with you," he said with a smile.
Holding hands we walked up stairs to our bedroom. As I lay in bed, my back pushed to Edward's chest, I said a prayer that Jasper was right and that in the end, Edward and I would make it.