A/N: Although I had problems with the theology presented in this episode (I'll get to that), I enjoyed the memories.

Disclaimer: Everything is disclaimed. And, again, invoking the MST3K motto.

Tossing Up Punchlines That Were Never There

Dean definitely learned something in his sojourn in "Heaven." Or whatever the hell that was…

There was nothing left to believe in.

Belief. Belief in your family, your allies, yourself. In anything good in a chaotic, violent, depressing world. Belief was a word that was tossed around without any thought.

So was faith. What was faith? How did you have faith? Dean once heard it said that faith was the belief in things unseen. Well, he had seen it all. Nothing surprised him, yet everything surprised him. How can anyone have belief or faith in anything?

Family was another word. You had to be connected to people in order for them to be your family. Family always had your back, even if they were miles apart.

He had no idea how he ever got that idea.

Maybe from watching other families throughout his life. The other families that Sam always wanted to be a part of. Apparently. None of Sam's heavenly memories had room for him. He was just a hurdle, a set back, something to be ran over while people, including his brother—the person who at one time he thought he knew better than anyone—would just go on with their own lives.

He was just a hassle. A nobody. The only thing he was good for was to be a doormat under everyone's feet.

When Sam ran away the first time, Dean was trying to finish up his GED studies. He was keeping it under wraps. Not that Dad cared. He thought Sam had an idea, but Sam was starting to get the "I'm better and smarter than you." He certainly had more people take an interest in him than Dean had. After all, Sam had him, always having his back. Not that it was worth anything.

And Sam had snuck away during one of his last all-day classes.

John was furious. Actually, that was an understatement. Dean tried to push those memories away. For the most part, he succeeded. Yet, they were part of Sam's heaven, and all those memories came flooding back.

Or at least the ones he could remember.

The argument between Sam and their father on the night he ran away to Stanford nearly broke him. He could see both sides of the argument. As always, neither man remembered he existed. Until they wanted Dean to side with them.

He desired a normal life. More than he ever wanted to admit. He had lived that life. It was perfect, even though his mother and father tended to fight. He usually wondered if he was the cause of the arguments. If he weren't around, things would be so much different.

Dean wondered if there was any part of him that wasn't worthless. He came into this world broken, apparently, and his family and the universe were all determined to keep him broken.

He learned long ago to keep his feelings hidden under his shell. To adopt a rock-hard persona that covered him and protected him. He always knew that was a mask, but he was wondering if he was becoming that mask—that hard man he had met in 2014.

He knew he was becoming that man.

He wondered what was wrong with him. He used to love it when people depended on him. He felt needed. He felt like it was his niche in life. He both missed that feeling and resented it at the same time.

Why was that?

His mother was the only one who loved him. He had to believe that the demon was just a trick of Zachariah's. Although, what she said was true…

He didn't keep his promise to her. It wouldn't be all right. Nothing would ever be all right.

He thought if he tried hard enough, he could recapture that feeling of family that he was desperately looking for.

He understood Cas' feelings. Having a deadbeat dad. Having brothers who didn't care about him. Dean believed that no one knew what they were missing by dismissing Cas. He wanted to tell the former angel that family sucks. Family gets you down.

Family was just another word without meaning. Just a useless word to describe something that doesn't exist for him.

That never really did.

Because he was worthless.

This amulet in his hand looked like the piece of junk it was. A trinket that Bobby had given Sam to give to their father. When family still mattered to Sam. It no longer had any value, sentimental or otherwise.

Dean tossed it before walking away, knowing he had no where to go. Knowing he couldn't leave alone, yet dying to go it alone.

But, he was going to now do things his way. Because he had no one else to rely on. He knew he was going to fail no matter what.

That's what he always did.

End.

A/N: I'm about ready to finish up and post my multichapter. I'll probably finish it up tomorrow.

I enjoyed this episode. The angst. The memories. However, I really didn't like the theology presented. Tonight is Maundy Thursday for Christians, which I'm one. My faith is very important to me. My belief in God. And that hasn't changed.

Maundy Thursday leads into Good Friday, which is tomorrow. It is when God intervened, said that humans mattered. When God died for our sins and shortcomings. And died a horrible death—crucifixion. Because He loved us. He didn't tell us to "Back off."

I was very disappointed in that. I don't mind angels being dicks, because angels, as presented in the Bible, aren't warm and fuzzy Roma Downey or Michael Landon. They're vicious warriors of God. They can be dicks. I don't have a problem with angels doing what they want to do, because we believe a rebellion happened. Lucifer was an angel. I would prefer the plot of "Dogma." At least God cares. He is just unable to do anything. This deadbeat dad thing doesn't work for me.

Just my two cents.

The title is a lyric from REM's "The Great Beyond."