What a fucking romantic story. Derek Gideon has been missing and presumed dead for ten years. He was last seen in the Amazon, looking for new species of snakes to bring home to his lovely wife, Edith.
Edith who was working in a crummy zoo whose only interesting animal - Bollo, the Gorilla - was currently sat on Howard's sofa, smoking a joint.
It was Valentine's Day, of all days, when he suddenly reappeared. Turns out he was abducted by a snake worshipping tribe that eventually made him their leader. After ten years, he came home to find his wife still waiting for him. She never stopped referring to herself simply as Mrs. Gideon.
Howard turned off the telly. The story was everywhere. He was tempted to run by the Gideon residence with Vince, perhaps mention to Derek the only reason his wife is still waiting for him is because Vince doesn't fancy overly bright girls. Vince says he wants an equal, a woman with no room for a brain because she simply has too much hair.
At least, that's what Vince had said that morning over breakfast as they watched the most revoltingly romantic story of the year unfold.
"Hey, Howard! Tonight, right?, is going to be genius. I've got it all planned out..." chattered Vince, relentlessly cheerful on the most depressing day of the year. Howard could barely summon the energy to turn his head and look at Vince. How was he going to spend the night out drinking?
Howard was prepared for a jumpsuit made of candy hearts or maybe a transparent top with heart-shaped cut-out nipples, neither of those looks would have caused him to bat a lash. Howard thought he was immune to surprise when it came to Vince's wardrobe, but now he was gawking like a stranger on the street. Vince had jumped over the androgynous line and was wearing a sexy but tasteful red cocktail dress. On a woman, Howard would have thought the dress left nothing to the imagination. On Vince, however, the dress left quite a lot to the imagination (things Howard didn't want to imagine like how Vince was hiding the one sure indicator he was a man).
"Just give me the short version," Howard grumbled.
"Theodore's is doing buy one meal get one free for couples tonight AND women get free champagne. They say one glass, but with this dress, I don't reckon I'll have to buy all night! I told you, it's genius. Don't know why we didn't think of this before," Vince exclaimed, as he twirled in front of a mirror, "And I didn't even have to shave my legs cause me trousers are so tight, they've chaffed all the hair off from the waist down. Quit frowin' 'bout Mrs. Gideon and let's get some free drinks."
Vince was a startling convincing woman, far too fetching for Howard's comfort.
On the other hand, Vince was right. The dress was probably going to bring in enough free drinks to get them both pissed (Vince was such a light weight) and Howard wanted to get black out drunk tonight. Besides, it might be nice to have a night out where no one yelled, "Benders!" in their faces or threatening their physical well-being.
The first time Howard met Vince, the boy was wearing pink lip gloss and eye liner.
Howard wasn't completely surprised Bob Fossil's new hire had arrived to his first day of work wearing make-up. When he asked Fossil about the boy's qualification, Fossil said, "His eyes are like deep blue pools that I wanna swim in. Naked! His hair is like cotton candy or candy floss... Whatever you stupid whites call it here!"
He was not expecting a seasoned zoo keeper. At least Vince was pleasant and the animals took a liking to him right away. Since Tommy's disappearance, Howard's colleagues had fallen into two categories: tolerable or intolerable. Vince was tolerable.
Vince laughed when Howard suggested using the zoo gear to shear his absurd barnet but jumped in genuine terror when Howard pretended to go for the clippers. He wasn't bright, he looked ridiculous but he had a sense of humor. Vince was tolerable +1.
"You wanna go down pub, get a drink?" Vince asked as they stood in the keeper hut, changing out of their uniforms. Howard winced at Vince's choice to ask the question while they were half naked.
"I'm not likely to go to a pub with younow, am I, Vince?" Howard snapped. He regretted his harshness when Vince physically pulled back.
"Forget I asked," Vince mumbled into his shirt collar.
"What year were ya born, Vince?" Howard asked in his most authoritative tone.
"Nineteen seventy..." Vince's eyes widened and he chewed his shiny pink lip as he frantically tried to think.
"I thought as much. Your fifteen, Little Man. You should be in school."
"I don't like school. I like working with animals. Don't tell Fossil, please, Howard. I won't go back to school."
Vince's eyes were wide and Howard didn't really care so he promised to keep Vince's secret.
"You wanna go get some ice cream?" Vince asked when he was in his civilian pink striped flares and skin tight tee-shirt. Howard had been raised by his parents to believe he would eventually be lured into gheydom (with sex and ice cream) by an underaged boy dressed like a woman and wearing make-up. That is why he knew for a fact that Vince was not asking him out. His parents had been wrong about everything, including saying that drinking coffee would stunt Howard's growth.
As they walked towards the pink and yellow ice cream stand, Vince chattered about nonsense and reveled in Howard's scorn for everything he liked and cared about.
"How'd you know I lied 'bout my age?" Vince finally asked.
"Lots of reasons," Howard explained in a sage tone, "but mainly because you doctored your birth certificate with crayon."
Howard put on a fresh roll neck and a corduroy jacket. When he met Vince at the door, he held out his arm which Vince took with a swooning noise.
"Let's paint the town red, darling," he said as he helped Vince into the cab.
"The whole town?" Vince laughed, "That would take forever but it would look amazin'!"