Johanna tiptoed down the stairs, looking around and making sure that nobody saw her. She had to find Anthony and escape from her dreadful life in London. She saw him running down the street towards her.

"Anthony!" she cried happily, and ran into his arms. "Oh, you have no idea what I've been through, crazy guy-"

She got cut off by the large amount of screaming and singing coming from Mrs. Lovett's basement. Johanna jumped a foot in the air and into Anthony's arms (if you have seen Scooby Doo, you'll know what this looks like)

"Jinkies!" she said, still on a Scooby Doo kick. "What on Earth was that, my darling?"

"I don't know." Anthony said, "But I think we should go investigate."

"I don't want to investigate down there! That's where the crazy guy went!"

"What crazy guy?" asked Anthony

"Well...I don't know exactly who he was... but he looked like he was trying out for a remake of "Carrie" and he had some sort of Pepe Le Pew thing going on with his hair..."

"Hmm..." said Anthony, trying to impress Johanna by figuring out the mystery of what was going on, "Covered in blood with a streak of white in his hair... was he really really pale?"

Johanna nodded.

"Scary, sunken eyes?"

"Yes."

"Look of a dramatic, haunted past?"

"Uh-huh."

"Brandishing a very pointy and shiny razor?"

"Why yes, he had one of those. It was dripping rubies, actually."

"Oh." said Anthony, "That's . He's an OK guy, really. I mean, he has some sort of creepy, angry revenge thing going on, but hey, he's helping us to escape!"

"He scared the crap out of me! He murdered Judge Turpin!"

"Yes,"said Anthony, "He's seemed to be wanting to do that for a while now..."

"He killed my guardian!" she protested. "Wait a minute... he killed my guardian! Hooray! No more creepiness when I see him at home! No more of him staring at my chest whenever he sees me! No more creeping on me and looking at me through a hole in the wall while I sew! Turpin is dead! Hooray!" she jumped up and down and clapped her hands like a three- year-old. "You know, this Mr. Todd guy does sound OK. Maybe we should go see if he's alright."

"Then let's go!" said Anthony, walking towards the stairs to the bakehouse.

On their way down, they saw a rather short shadow silhouetted in the doorway to the bakehouse. "Who's there?" a voice said suspiciously.

"Umm..it's us." Anthony said. "Anthony and Johanna. We're coming to check on Mr. Todd."

"Oh." said the shadow. "Well, you don't need to be doing that. You see, he's sort of dead."

"Dead?" cried Johanna

"Dead?" gasped Anthony.

"Dead." said Toby, for of course it was him. "I killed him myself, with his own razor."

Anthony and Johanna were puzzled. "But why?"

"Because he's killing people and Mrs. Lovett is making them into pies!"

"Eww..." Johanna and Anthony said in unison. Both were very happy now that they hadn't gotten a chance to eat one of Mrs. Lovett's "fantastic pies".

"But how are people not noticing that everyone who goes to Sweeney's for a shave never comes back?"

Toby shrugged. "I dunno. Plot inconsistencies aren't really my thing. Ask Tim Burton."

"Who?"

"Never mind. Do you want to see the crime scene?" Toby asked.

"Well...we should probably be escaping...but I do want to see what happened." said Johanna.

"Then lead on, Toby!" said Anthony.

Johanna's eyes widened as she saw the pile of bodies on the floor "Wow...that's a lot of blood."

"Yep." said Toby.

"Hey!" shouted Anthony, who was looking at the corpse of the mad beggar lady. "Look, Johanna! She's got pretty yellow hair just like you!"

Johanna's eye twitched. Anthony noticed.

"That's wrong, baby?" he asked.

Now it must be noted that Johanna had been having a pretty bad day. She'd been locked in an asylum with a bunch of dumb blondes, dragged out, stuffed into guys clothes, witnessed two murders, and now she was kind of upset because of all the bodies. She was thoroughly pissed off.

"Oh, yes!" she shouted. "My pretty yellow hair! IT'S BLONDE, DANGIT! Everywhere I go, people are always going on about 'Ohh, look at Johanna! She's got such pretty yellow hair! I wish my hair was pretty and yellow like hers! What pretty yellow hair.' You know, there's more to me than just my hair and very high singing voice! I have brains too! And a great body! I mean, just look at my collection of low cut dresses! But does anyone notice that? NOOOO! Because apparently the only thing I have going for me is my PRETTY. FREAKING. YELLOW. FREAKING. HAIR!" she punctuated the last words with slaps at Anthony.

"Sorry." mumbled Anthony. "Maybe we should go now, honey."

"Ok" said Johanna, recovering from her fit. "But if you call my hair yellow one more time, I will be sure to remark on exactly how feminine you look." she said warningly.

Anthony's lower lip wobbled and he looked for a moment like he was going to cry. "I thought you saw past my girlyness, Johanna..."

"Wait a minute!" said Toby,interrupting Anthony by pointing at the pile of bodies on the floor a few feet away from them. "He's moving."

And sure enough, Sweeney's hand was moving. Then his eyes opened. Then he looked up. "What the heck is going on here?"

"OMG! ZOMBIES!" Johanna shouted, once again jumping into Anthony's arms.

"I'm not a zombie." said Sweeney, standing up. "I'm still alive."

"But you can't be!" cried Toby. "I killed you myself, just a few minutes ago."

Sweeney actually laughed. "Boy, you need to learn how to kill someone properly. A little slash to the neck isn't gonna do it, you need to use force, like I did with Judge Butthead over here." he kicked Turpin's body.

Suddenly, they all heard a sound coming from the oven. Knocking.

"Umm...can somebody help me here?" said a voice timidly from inside the oven. Everyone except Johanna recognized the voice.

"Mrs. Lovett?" they said collectively.

"Yes, of course it's me!" said the voice from the oven. "Could you get me out? It's a bit stuffy in here."

Toby and Anthony shrugged, went over to the oven, opened it, and helped Mrs. Lovett out. Her dress was a bit singed, but other than that she looked perectly fine.

"How are you still alive?" asked Sweeney. "I pushed you into the oven! You should be dead!"

Nellie smiled and pointed to the oven. "Didn't you wonder what I did with all the excess money from pie sales, love?"

Sweeney shook his head.

"Well, I decided not to use the oven for baking anymore. Ovens are too much of a fire hazard anyways. It's just for effects now, see?" she clapped her hands twice, and the fire came on in the oven. She clapped again and the fire shut off."Isn't it great? An electric fire place! It's not even hot!"

"Then how are you cooking the pies?" asked Johanna.

"Oh." said Mrs. Lovett. "I bought something else." she pointed to a shadowy corner. "Look! An industrial sized microwave oven! It cooks twice the amount of pies in half the time! It's great!"

"But if the fire isn't hot..." said Sweeney, "Why were you screaming so loud when I pushed you in?"

"Oh. Umm..." said Mrs. Lovett, looking at the ground. "Um...I thought I saw a mouse."

But everyone could tell that she was lying.

"Come on, Nell. Tell us what really happened" said Toby.

"Don't call me Nell. Or Nellie. It's Mrs. Lovett to you, young man." she snapped "Ok, I'll tell you... It's a deep, dark secret..."All of the (live) people present leaned in. "I'M AFRAID OF PIES!!" Mrs. L cried.

"What?" said Toby.

"That's preposterous!" said Johanna.

"You run a bloody pie shop!" said Anthony "No pun intended." he added, looking around the room at all the dead bodies and blood.

"It's...it's true." Mrs. Lovett said, still looking at the floor. "I'm afraid of pies. After the incident with the Church Bake Sale when I was nine, I could never look at or touch a pie again. My mum said that the only way to get over my irrational fear of pies was to go into the pie buisiness. I couldn't upset my mum, so I got my degree at baking school. I passed every exam with flying colours...except for the pie exam. That's where I met Mr. Lovett, you see. At baking school. I used my feminine wiles to get him to take the exam for me, then I married him after graduation. But I never really loved him. I've always had the hots for you, Mr. T. Anyways, we set up shop here on Fleet Street, and things were going great until he died. That's when mine became the Worst Pies in London. See, they were really made of mud, because I couldn't make any actual meat pies...Until you came again, Mr. T. Then I had to start making them...but I did it for you, love. All for you!"

Sweeney was still looking at Mrs. Lovett with the highest contempt. "If there's anything I like less than a liar, it's unnecessary backstory." he pulled out a razor. "You're the reason that my Lucy is now actually dead. Prepare to die."

"Wait!." cried Johanna. "Don't kill her! She only did it for you!"

Sweeney turned to Anthony. "Who is this young fella anyways? I found him in my shop about an hour ago."

"Oh. Sorry I didn't tell you, Mr. Todd. That's not a fella, that's Johanna. But she's in disguise!"

Johanna took off her hat, exposing her long blonde hair that no one could ever shut up about.

"JOHANNA!" cried Sweeney, hugging her.

"Umm...nice to see you too Mr. Todd." she said. She looked over his shoulder at Anthony. "Why is he hugging me?" she whispered.

Sweeney stopped hugging her and looked at Anthony. "You didn't tell her?"

"Tell me what?" Johanna asked.

"I thought she ought to hear it from you. I mean, I've only known her for a few days, and it's not the kind of thing you want to be hearing from an almost-stranger."

"Hear what?" asked Johanna impatiently.

"Good point." said Sweeney. "I guess I'll tell her then."

"WHAT!?" yelled Johanna.

Sweeney turned to face her. "Johanna," he said, using his best Darth Vader impression, "I am your father."

"Really?" she said. She was taking the news quite well, considering the fact that she had only recently seen him commit two murders. "I thought my real father was dead or something."

"No." said Sweeney matter-of-factly "Not dead. Just in Australia."

"Really? Australia?" she asked excitedly "OMG! Did you see a kangaroo?"

"I saw many kangaroos. Actually, I befriended one. Her name was Bobo, and she had a joey named Joey. They helped me escape from prison."

"THATS AWESOME!" Johanna exclaimed, once again clapping her hands like a two year old. Then she stopped. "Wait a minute... You almost killed me!"

"Well I couldn't exactly see you. I mean, you were wearing a hat, and electricity hasn't been invented yet, so I don't have proper lighting-"

"Well I never." Johanna saod stuibbornly "How could you, Daddy? If that woman hadn't screamed...who did scream anyways..?"

raised her hand shyly.

"Well, thank you . You saved my life." she said. "But why did you scream anyways?"

"The Judge grabbed my skirt." Mrs. Lovett replied

"Oh, yeah. Well, he always was a creeper." Johanna said, but then she stopped. "Wait a minute...he grabbed you skirt?"

Nellie nodded.

"He was still alive?" she asked.

"Yep."

"But that doesn't make any sense. I saw Dad kill two he killed that mad beggar lady, he just slit her throat. It was barely a scratch. Then she fell down the hole feet first and died. But he stabbed Judge Turpin like eight times in the carotid artery, slit his entire throat, stabbed him a few more times for good luck, then tossed him down the hole, which is like a ten foot drop, where he fell on his head and probably broke his neck...and he still wasn't dead? It doesn't make sense! By all laws of physics, the mad beggar lady shouldn't be dead!" Johanna reasoned. "You see! I DO have a brain under this pretty yellow hair!"

"I'm not quite dead!" came a voice from the pile of bodies, which now consisted of only Lucy, Turpin and the Beadle. The voice was decidedly female, which left only one possibility.

"Lucy?" said Sweeney, "Is that you?"

Lucy looked up. "Oh, hey Ben! Back from prison already?" she said brightly. Then she stopped. "Wait a minute... how did you get back from prison? They said you had a life sentence. And what happened to your hair? And why are we all covered in blood?...And why am I so dirty? The last thing I can remembr is that creepy masquerade..."

"Superattackhugglez!" shouted Sweeney, hugging his wife like a boa constrictor hugs a fluffy bunny.

"Benny...can't breathe..." Lucy gasped.

Sweeney released her and started kissing her. A lot. But since it was Victorian times, he could only kiss her hands. After a minute, he stopped abruptly

"Wait a minute..." he said, looking at the wedding ring on her left hand. "This doesn't look like the ring I bought you."

"Umm..." said Lucy"I..uh...I bought it from Claire's the week after you were sent to Australia.."

Once again, everyone could tell she was lying.

"Lucy..." Sweeney said warningly. He still looked very menacing, seeing as he was still covered in blood.

"Um..." said Lucy, blushiong furiously. "It's a funny story. After you were taken to Australia...um...I sort of married your identical cousin Bob."

"Hahahahahahahahahaha!" Sweeney laughed loudly, then paused. "Wait a minute...that's not a very funny story at all! You cheated on me! While I was in prison! With BOB!"

"Wait a minute" said Anthony. "You have a cousin named Bob? Bob Barker? Really? That's adorable!"

"Yes." said Swenney. "But I really don't get what it has to do with the fact that my wife married my cousin..."

"Well, technically, we only got engaged. Then I went to that stupid masquerade, and-"

"Got raped?" Sweeney asked.

"No, no! I didn't get raped. Although it would have added some excitement to the evening."

"Really?" said Mrs. Lovett. "Then why did you take the arsenic?"

"I didn't!" said Lucy. "What, do you read the tabloids or something? What really happened, is that Judge Turpin threw an engagement party for me and Bob. He probably intended to rape me, but the party was so boring, I jumped off the roof and fell on my head. I guess my brain was injured or something, but I couldn't remember anything after that. I guess the fall from upstairs fixed whatever was wrong with my head!" she finished brightly.

"I cant believe that actually worked..." saiod Toby thoughtfully.

" I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT ENGAGED TO MY COUSIN BOB!" wailed Sweeney. "I mean, I killed a man for you. A bunch of men, actually. And this is how you repay me? We are soooo over!"

Strangely enough, Lucy didn't look all that upset. "Oh well. Suit yourself. I'll just gove Bob a call and we'll get married."

"But who will I marry?" whined Sweeney.

Mrs. Lovett, standing a few feet away from the newly divorced couple, had gotten a strange look in her eyes, much like that of a starved dog suddenly confronted with a family sized bag of Kibbles 'N' Bits. "Oh, Mista T!" she sighed. "Don't you see? We were meant to be together! I mean, now that Lucy's oput of the picture, we can finally be married and live by the sea with Toby as our adopted son forever and ever! One big happy, really dysfunctional family!"

"Hey!" said Lucy. "I've just had a wonderful idea! How about we all get married in an awesome triple wedding! I'll marry Bob, Benny can marry Nellie, and Johanna can marry her girlfriend over there..."

"IM NOT A GIRL!" screamed Anthony.

"Oops. Sorry" giggled Lucy.

"I think I speak for us all when I say that's a great idea!"Nellie crowed.

"Yep." said Johanna

"Sounds good to me." said Anthony.

"Fine. Whatever." said Sweeney, looking disinterested as usual.

That's when everyone realized that the sun was coming up, and the innocent citizens of Fleet Street would wake up to find the Beadle and Turpin deceased in the Pie Emporium's bloody bakehouse. Even though the people of London during whatever time period it took place in were undoubtedly dim, they would probably piece together what had happened here. Meaning a quintuple murder.

"I don't know about you guys," said Johanna, "but I think we should make like a tree and leaf."

"I disagree." said Sweeney. "I think we should make like a shoe and step."

"That's ridiculous." said Lucy. "'Let's blow this pop stand!' is much better."

As they all escaped through the trapdoor in the floor that would lead them through the sewers and to the seaside safely, Toby took one last look around the room and smacked himself on the forehead.

"I'm surrounded by idiots."

Finally! It's done!

I'd like to give some MAJOR PROPS to the incredibly awesome/amazing/talented/superfantastic Phantomfr33k24601, cause without her help I'd still be sitting in fromt of my computer scratching my head with a wicked case of writers block. so um...way to be awesome! thanks a million!

kk...R AND R!