I know what I'm fighting for

Disclaimer: I do not own Agents of SHIELD, Marvel Comics, the movies from the MCU, or any of the characters associated with these things. They belong to and are the property of their respective owners. I make no money off of this story; it is purely for my own enjoyment.

Summary: He's always protected his family, no matter what it cost him. The fact that he chose this one, and the people in it, doesn't change that. It's his job to protect them, and he'll do that, by any means necessary. –a look into Grant Ward's thoughts during the Nash scene in S1x16's: The End of the Beginning.

Story title inspired by the song Angel With A Shotgun by The Cab, a song I think fits Grant perfectly, and which I do not own.

Characters: Grant Ward, the Team, his family. I own none of them except the character of Grant's mother, who I thought up.

Spoilers: lots for The End of the Beginning, Yes Men, T.R.A.C.K.S., T.A.H.I.T.I., and anything else with Grant Ward. No spoilers for Captain America: The Winter Soldier, nor 1x17's: Turn, Turn, Turn.

Author's note: My first Agents of SHIELD fic! I wrote this because between my many feelings about Yes Men, and what happened during The End of the Beginning, I felt the need to tell what I think is Grant Ward's story. It's how I think Lorelai's violation of him in Yes Men, his abusive childhood, and his need to protect those he cares about might have caused his actions in 1x16. I'm sure this will be Jossed, literally, soon enough, but I'm proud of it. Enjoy!

Warnings: Mentions of cannon mind control, alluding it to being non-consensual, which is it. Also mentions of Grant's cannon abusive childhood, which I have extended to include allusions of child neglect, depression and alcoholism; Grant had a messed up childhood. He has self-esteem issues and there's victim blaming, mostly him of himself. Also, murder of an unarmed man, if you haven't seen the episode this is based on.

If any of these things bothers you, please hit the back button, I don't want to upset anyone. I've done my best to handle these issues respectfully, but also in the way the character would.

He watched as the bullet left his gun and went into Thomas Nash's heart, killing him. He heard the sturdy beat of the heart monitor stop, showing and telling everyone present that the man was dead. He had killed him, an unarmed man, their main suspect, against what his orders were. And he wasn't sorry.

(Grant realized it was his job to protect his baby brother Simon from their elder brother Maynard the first time Maynard hit them for eating the last apple, which he didn't even like, and their mother wasn't there to stop him because she was sleeping a vodka fueled rest during her precious few hours off of working a double shift. No one was going to protect them, so he would have to learn to protect himself, for them. He'd made that his purpose in life, protecting people; and to him it was just common sense, to never be dependent on someone to help him, because the only person you could rely on was yourself.)

Skye had been shot, had almost died, would have died if they hadn't been willing to risk everything, going on a dangerous, rogue mission for the hope of finding an experimental, crazy chance to save her. All because of an enemy he had failed to defeat, one who'd captured and tortured Coulson before he ever got his hands on Skye. His teammates had been threatened, had bled and he couldn't stop it, hadn't stopped it. Grant had spent his whole life making sure he'd be able to protect the people he loved, and when these newest ones on that very short list had needed him, he had failed them.

(He's been so angry at Coulson; at the fact the man was keeping secrets, putting his personal issues before his team, because how can he protect them if he doesn't know what he's protecting them from? And if part of his anger comes from hurt that Coulson doesn't trust him to protect them when that's his job, his calling in life, well, he'll never tell.)

Worse, he had betrayed them. He had let an enemy into their home, had planned to kill them, had told Lorelai how to defeat them. He had been seduced by her, and he had done all of her orders willingly, everything he ever was, all of what drove him, his need to protect, to never be helpless, and Lorelai had torn that away. Worse, all of those things were still there and he hadn't cared about them. He had done all of those horrible things to his team anyway.

He'd sworn to himself years ago, that he'd never be like Maynard, that he'd never let himself become the type of person who could stand over a well, watching someone they loved in pain they had caused, and laugh at it, at them, and do nothing. And he'd broken that promise. He'd spent his whole life protecting people, never being helpless, and Lorelai took that away. Worse, she made him like Maynard, his monster of a brother, that had forced him to become a fighter in the first place; because of her, because he was weak, for the first time in his life, he had raised a hand at someone he considered family who wasn't Maynard. And that was unforgiveable.

He deserved Melinda's anger. He knows that he's not good enough for her, he never was, but he wishes she had let him tell her that Lorelai was lying. She'd told him once that 'he didn't always have to think the worst of her,' but she'd been quick to think it of him, not that he blamed her. He'd decided when she told him that the best thing to do was to keep his reply of he always thought the worst of everyone until they proved he had reason to think otherwise, and even after that he just waited for them to show that they couldn't be trusted, because the person you could rely on was yourself, to himself. The reason he didn't blame her for tiring of him was simple, but not something he'd ever tell her. No one but he had to know that out of everyone in the world, the person he thought least of was himself.

Yes, he desired someone else that wasn't her, but he desired to protect Skye, to not fail her again, not to be with her romantically. She reminded him of Simon, with her intelligence and the fact she wasn't afraid of him. It made the part of him that was and always would be Simon's big brother, the little boy he'd been who learned to defend himself for his baby brother's sake, that had set him on this path of defending people who couldn't defend themselves, very protective of her. He was still concerned about her even when they found out she had betrayed them. When she proved she was sorry for what she had done, and was now loyal to SHIELD, or rather this makeshift family of theirs, he'd had to forgive her. First, because he'd been surprised that he was surprised at her betrayal. What she'd done had reminded him no matter what, you can only rely on yourself. And the part of her that reminds him of Simon knows that younger siblings mess up; you get angry at them, fix what they did, let them earn your forgiveness, and still love them throughout that.

There was another reason he liked being around Skye, one he hadn't told anyone. His mother's sense of humor had once been like Skye's, sharp, sometimes dark but well meaning. She'd always had a smile for them, her boys', she'd warm up a room with her cheerful deposition, before Dad died. That part of her died with him. Seeing what was left of her without his father, taught him to never rely on someone else so much you can't survive or be happy without them. A lesson he'd failed utterly at, but it was just one failure among many.

He doesn't know how to tell Melinda that he's in awe of her, that he knows all of her mission records by heart, well, the ones he had clearance for, mostly, he may have called in some favors to see some ones he didn't. He's basically had a crush on her for years, and that was safe because she wasn't an active Operations agent anymore, he'd never meet her, never have to deal with her proving him right, you can only rely on yourself. When he had found out they were both going to be on Coulson's team, he'd been so thrilled and terrified at the idea of meeting and living with her he'd spent over an hour freaking out about it on the phone with his baby brother, who had laughed at him and told him to just be himself. Which he maintained had been the worst advice ever, but then Simon had always thought too highly of him.

But against all odds Melinda had seemed to like him, they certainly hadn't had any problems with, well, sex. He knew she'd get tired of him eventually, she was Melinda May, The Calvary; and he was just a Marine turned SHIELD Agent from Iowa, who's only goal in life had been to protect people, starting with his baby brother. He'd never thought that the reason for it would be over something a lying alien who may or may not be a goddess told her, though. He wanted to tell her that she was lying, that he was sorry, that he hadn't wanted to sleep with Lorelai, hadn't wanted to do anything she asked of him, but he'd been unable and unwilling to stop himself.

(He didn't tell her he'd spent over two hours in the showers, the water scathing hot, scrubbing every trace of her touch away and off of his skin, but it wasn't enough. He could still hear her voice and feel her touch. He welcomed the pain of his burned skin because it made it so he could focus on that instead of the memories in his mind. He was just going to have to put the whole two days in the same place he put his memory of the day with the well, the day that defined his choice to be a protector. This whole mess with Lorelai, was obviously a sign he needed to work harder, be tougher. It showed him sometimes you can't rely on even yourself to save you from your own actions. He would never be helpless again; he had just needed a reminder.)

Thomas Nash kept slipping through their attempts to catch him; he had already ordered Coulson's capture and Skye's death. And Nash wasn't going to stop coming after them; he knew too much about them, knew how they worked, and they were always two steps behind. He was threatening his family; Nash would kill them all if that's what it took to get whatever he needed from each of them in whichever parts they were going to play in his plan that day. And Grant was terrified he'd fail to protect them, again.

He hadn't been able to stop Maynard from hitting him and Simon when he was young or throwing Simon into the well, but he learned how to protect himself so he could. He couldn't make his mother care about her children when she was too wrapped up in her grief over dad dying before Simon was even born to do anything but go through the motions, but he could try and forgive her. He hadn't been able to stop Coulson's capture and Skye's shooting, but they were safe now. He hadn't been able to reclaim himself from Lorelai when she took control of him and rid him of all his morals, his beliefs, his promises, but she was gone, her control of him stopped, taken away. He couldn't stop those things from happening, but he wouldn't ever let himself be helpless again.

It was his job, his chosen path in life to protect the people he loved. Nash threatened that, threatened them. He wasn't going to let him get another chance to hurt them, one that might succeed this time.

It was his job to protect his family. He took the shot.

(And he wasn't sorry.)

Written on April 5th, 2014

Posted on April 7th , 2014

By Valerie Portolano