Her memory haunts him. She stands there, her eyes fixed on him. He remembers being unable to look at her, not able to face the accusation in her eyes. It was worse than when Uther was disappointed with him. Had he disobeyed his father he could have taken it, he'd been a disappointment enough before. But with her it had been different.
He's pushed her memory back as far as he can, forcing himself not to expect her to be there in the throne room beside him, or to reappear at the end of the hall and mock him. He'd made himself stop expecting to see her smiling with her eyes sparkling and her dark hair flowing over her shoulders. He's almost convinced himself he doesn't care anymore. Doesn't care what she has become – what they have become.
It's Guinevere who fills his thoughts now, replacing those of the dark haired beauty. Guinevere's smiling face, the way she lightly touched his shoulder, the slight hint of flowers as she walked into a room. But those images have become just as painful, and instead are replaced with her standing in front of him the tears streaming down her face. The betrayal he didn't expect.
Betrayal – her face is back again, her red lips curved up into a smile as the crown is seated on the top of her raven black hair.
Arthur grabs his blue cloak and slips through the halls of the castle, already knowing where he had to go, the light from his torch guiding his way through the darkness. She is there still, watching him with her vivid green eyes filled with unshed tears, punishing him for what he had done. 'I was just a boy!' he wants to shout at the memory of her, but it would do no good. Hadn't the whole point of the raid been to prove he wasn't? That he was a man and could lead his men?
And now it wasn't just her image haunting him, but a spirit had come back as well. He'd possessed Elyan and now Arthur had to pay the price. It seemed his mistakes would never go away. Hadn't he paid for his actions enough watching the hurt and betrayal in her eyes? But the blood wouldn't wash of his hands and as it threatens to drown him she turns away, leaving him to his faith.
Somehow he isn't surprised when Merlin follows him. He could easily avoid him in the mist, but it's Merlin and he finds himself turning around to confront him.
"Merlin, what the hell are you doing creeping around the woods?" he asks even if he knows the answer.
"I'm following you. What the hell are you doing creeping around the woods?" Merlin quickly responds.
Following her. She's there in hidden behind the mists, but every once in a while he catches a glimpse of the back of her head. He knows where she is leading him and he knows what he has to do.
He yanks his cloak of, sick of hiding, "Something I should have done a long time ago."
"Elyan could be out here do you know how dangerous that is?"
Even as a simple memory she's leading him to danger because he knows Elyan will be there.
"I have to face him." I have to face her. He won't explain any more to Merlin, "feel free to go back to Camelot whenever you like."
He hears the trees rustle behind him and turns to Merlin, "You're not going back to Camelot then?"
"Thought I might tag along." Merlin tries to lighten the mood, "Don't want you getting lost and scared."
He considers saying thank you, because he's touched and truthfully he didn't expect Merlin to leave. Instead he gives a small smile and keeps walking.
Merlin mumbles something about coming back during daylight but he doesn't pay him any attention. Her spirit has disappeared and they are back where it all began. He sees the men, women and children screaming and the flash of steel as one by one his men pull out their swords. He sees the devastation all over again and once again there isn't anything he can do to stop it.
He yanks his sword out of his scabbard and places it on the rock.
"Are you sure that's a good idea we might be needing it," Merlin moves closer to the rock.
"I'm sure a sword won't be much use against a spirit." Hers or the child's, they both haunt him.
"What about against Elyan?"
"I'm here!" he shouts to the night. He's done with hiding and pretending it never happened. Merlin looks at him like he's insane.
And then Elyan appears, or rather the child spirit in Elyan's body. He knows Merlin was right and that this isn't Elyan. He knows the child has come for his revenge. The child's voice speaks, "My blood is on your hands. I cannot rest because of what you did."
'Are you happy now?' he wants to ask. 'I'll finally get what I deserve?' But of course there is no answer, just the memory of her watching him.
"You don't understand! Father is right, those people were a danger to Camelot and needed to be done away with," he had kept his voice strong determined not to show her how much it was breaking him to see that look on her face. "It had to be done."
She'd been silent the entire time he defended himself, never once yelling at him that what he did was wrong. She hadn't said a word to him since he arrived back at the castle, it seemed all her words of 'doing the right thing' had been used up trying to convince him before he left. She had turned and walked away towards the door, her blue gown trailing behind her.
"Say something!" he'd practically shouted at her as she opened the door.
"All this time," her voice had been soft and broken as if each sword that had sliced through skin had sliced through her. "I was wrong about you."
It was worse than any physical blow he'd received. It was worse than Uther calling him out in front of the entire court. It was worse than being a disgrace of a son.
Had that been the moment he had lost her? Maybe if he'd defied Uther she would have turned to him and told him about her magic, told him why she felt so strongly the way she had. But he'd destroyed that bridge when he'd destroyed these people, her people.
She'd moved on over the years. She'd come to him begging to stop Uther. Maybe that was why he could never deny her, because above all he needed her. She'd believed in him again, calling him a better man than his father. But was he? In the end he hadn't been better enough, she'd turned on all of them.
He turns to Elyan finally willing to admit that he was wrong even though after all these years it is too late.
"I know." He bends down onto the ground his arms wide open showing that he is defenseless. "I am responsible for what happened to you, and for all the violence which happened here. When I lead the attack on your camp I was young and inexperienced, I was desperate to prove myself to my men, to my father", but instead I failed you, "I told the men to spare the women and children, but I know that some of them ignored the order. There was so much happening," Elyan moves closer to him but she still won't face him, his words aren't reaching her. "I froze. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to stop it." I promise you I did. "I can still hear the screams," Except I'm haunted by nightmares that are my doing while you were always innocent to the cause of yours, "I cannot right his wrong. Nothing I do can change the horror that happened that day. But I can promise that now that I am king I will do everything that I can to prevent anything like this from happening again." The tears pour down his face now and he's begging her and he's begging Elyan and he's begging the spirit to just listen to him. "From this day forth, the druid people will be treated with the respect they deserve. I give you my word."
Elyan approaches him and Arthur wonders if this is his death. Has his time come? Is this the price he must pay? Cold steel slides out of it's shaft as Elyan draws his sword. He tries to be brave but he's shaking and he can't keep his voice even. "I am truly sorry for what happened to you."
He tries to think of something else to say but he can't, he's at loss for words. His breath is loud now but he won't let himself break. He's conscious of Merlin standing behind him about to watch him meet his death. Will Merlin tell the others that it was all his fault? Will they look down on him or praise him? Has he left Camelot safe? He never expected this to be how his reign ends, but he knows it must.
The sword drops with a thud and Arthur looks in shock at the ground and then up at Elyan, not believing what is going on.
Hands pull him up off his knees so that he is looking straight at Elyan. He doesn't know what to expect, is he still going to die?
Instead arms wrap around him and he stands motionless, being embraced by the one he killed. A child's voice whispers in his ear, "I forgive you."
And suddenly the burden has lightened, and he feels he can breathe again. Elyan takes a step back and a light leaves him flying up towards the heavens, while Arthur stares in awe. Elyan head rolls and he stumbles toward Arthur, who immediately moves his hands to catch him.
"Arthur?" Elyan's voice says as looks at him with confusion, before collapsing onto Arthur's shoulder. Arthur holds him close and looks up the tears still on his face. He's flooded with relief knowing everything will be alright, but then he sees her.
She stands there watching him, and this time he forces himself to look into her eyes. She holds his gaze for a moment and he knows that somehow this memory of her has heard all he said. And for a moment if he lets himself he swears she believes in him again.
It's too late for the real her though, he waited too long to say he was sorry. She's already walked straight out the door with her mind made up. And just like a wisp of smoke she slips through his fingers and is gone.
Author's Note: I absolutely loved this scene in the episode and thought Bradley was amazing in it. One of his best performances yet. But as soon as he told Merlin it was his fault I thought of Morgana and how she had been in season 1, yelling at him to do what was right and stop Uther's madness. I couldn't imagine her not having a say or an effect on him after he killed all these druids. I tried to keep it pretty much in canon but of course it is fanfiction. I just feel that there is no way Arthur wouldn't be haunted by her memory after she finds out what he did. As always please review and let me know what you think! Xx