A/N: Something a little different. Written from Satsu's point of view.
Have you seen that movie, you know the one where you feel like you've taken a shot of Jäger and Nicole Kidman and that guy from Star Wars ruin perfectly good songs by mashing them altogether. That movie is long and so not my type of thing but my ex-girlfriend was a film student and dragged me along. I can't remember much about it because I tuned out after the moon came alive for the second time but I remember the Star Wars guy said something which I will never forget.
The best thing in life is to love and be loved in return.
Up until now I never really comprehended what he meant. Maybe it was because I was younger when I saw it, or maybe it was because I have never felt love like I do now, but I can't help but think that Star Wars guy was onto something. I love her like I have never loved someone in my life. She is like the sun, everyone revolves around her and I can't believe she has chosen to share her warmth with me. I love her with everything that I have and she knows that I do, it's no secret. I tell her in the midst of our passionate after slaying sessions, when I'm writhing in ecstasy beneath her toned body and she brings me over the edge again and again until I'm hoarse from screaming her name.
The part that hurts, the part that makes me think that Star Wars guy was onto something is that I know she doesn't love me back. She may worship every inch of me on a nightly basis but she doesn't love me, in fact if she did I don't think my heart could take it. I don't think I could handle being that happy. If you got everything you ever wanted what would be the point right? What would there be to fight for? You spend your whole life trying to get everything you could dream of, the house with the picket fence, the fat and cuddly babies and the doctor for a husband. That last part was my mother talking; I'm not so much for the husbands, or the doctors for that matter, although in my line of work it might be usual to have a doctor at my beck and call.
Anyways back to love and life. If we always got everything we wanted what would drive us to try? What would make us fight if everything was that easy? Before you tell me I'm completely crazy and getting everything you ever wanted is what makes life worth living, I'm well aware that I'm living in the land of denial but it helps me not to fall apart when she doesn't say it back.
I've got the loving part down; it's just the being loved in return thing that I've left to find. I can't make her love me, I know that but it doesn't mean that I don't go to sleep every night hoping that when we wake up she'll still be there and she'll have changed her mind. That she'll be watching me with a soft expression when I open my eyes, that she'll smile and brush the hair from my face and then whisper it against my lips as she kisses me with such tenderness that I won't be able to stop the tears of happiness from streaming down my face.
Yeah I know I'm denial girl so sue me I can dream can't I. The fact is there is only one person who can even come close to eliciting those sorts of emotions from Buffy. I know how many of you are thinking back to your Buffy love life history and most of you are probably thinking of that souled vampire who resides in Los Angeles. Yes, I have been told about him, but no it's not Angel. It is probably the last person you would ever expect or at least I would ever expect especially after everything she has told me about her.
Their history is pretty much as dramatic as you can get; death, betrayal, jealously, prison, attempted murder, it has all the makings of a good TV drama and if this slaying thing doesn't pan out I may even consider selling it to a network. Anyway like I was saying the only time I have ever seen passion spark behind her eyes is when she's talking about Faith.
"You have no idea how much she infuriates me Satsu," she said one night as we lay in bed, "To think she can just come back here and tell me how to live my life. She's the ex-con, she's the one who would sleep with anything with legs and she's the one who tried to drown me not the other way around."
"I think she's lonely," I said.
It was true, the dark Slayer tried to pretend like she needed nobody but I've always been good at reading people and I could tell that she was craving a connection. She and Buffy seemed to only have one way of communicating and it usually ended with fists flying but in the couple of times I have been privy to be witness one of those arguments happiness always radiated from both of them. Even though they were yelling, screaming at each other, they both seemed to come alive as their flesh collided and their voices echoed off the stone castle walls.
Sometimes I don't think even they realise how they feel for one another. Buffy is under no allusion, she knows she doesn't love me but she is more than willing to go along with our relationship because she feels it is right thing to do. I am the safe option; she knows I will love her until the end of time. She knows that I won't fight her, that I won't challenge her, that I won't test her. She knows that she can follow my lead, that I know how a relationship works, that I won't leave in the middle of the night because I'm suddenly aware of the commitment I have made to her.
As much as I know these are the reasons she stays with me I know they are the reasons why she shouldn't. I know that Faith won't ever be with anybody else or at least find a connection with anyone else like she does with Buffy. The dark Slayer would let nobody else teach her about what love is because she has never let anyone past her defences like she has her light counterpart. When she screams at Buffy she lets secrets slip, things that she would never tell anybody else and it is then that I know that she loves her.
You can learn a lot just by watching people and as much as my heart breaks watching the two of them I know I can't stand between her and true happiness. I can't be the reason she never finds what Star Wars guy was talking about. Even though I know she would never break things off with me I can't stand there kissing her, loving her just knowing that she is looking over my shoulder and wishing I was somebody else. I already feel guilty enough that she feels that just because I love her that she must stay with me when clearly her heart belongs to another.
There is that saying that if you love someone enough you let them go.
If I have to live my life without her I at least will do it knowing that she is in love and is loved in return. I won't be the one to stop her from getting what she wants, what she deserves. My hand trembles as I fold my request for transfer in two and slip it under Giles' office door. That was the easy part, the hard part comes next and I have to physically stop myself from running in the opposite direction as I walk towards her door.
They say it is the best thing in life to love and be loved in return. I hope they are right because I don't know if I could take the heartbreak otherwise.