United We Stand, Divided We Fall
Author's Note:
I haven't posted anything for a while now but I was struck with inspiration and I had to write this. This is my first Twilight story so please forgive any mistakes. I really enjoyed writing this so I hope you enjoy reading it.
Esme paused and dropped the dress she had been darning into her lap. Her head tipped ever so slightly to the side and her eyes darted towards the window. Carlisle was home. She would be able to pick out the soft footsteps of her husband among the pounding of a hundred horse hooves if she was asked to do so.
She moved her dress to the table beside her chair and hesitantly got to her feet. She remembered a time when she would run to the door, eager to greet her golden haired husband and ask him how his day had gone. Those happy days seemed so long ago to Esme. It had been nearly a year since their son had left them.
The front door opened and closed almost silently. Her excellent hearing allowed her to hear Carlisle place his medical bag down on the floor and then shrug his coat from his shoulders. She patiently waited for him to hang up the useless garment and then went to meet him. Carlisle had clearly heard her too, meeting her halfway and bending to place a brief kiss on his wife's lips.
"How was your day, love?" he asked, releasing her and giving her a smile. Esme wasn't fooled, she knew the smile was just for show.
"It's been quiet..." She drifted off, knowing Carlisle would pick up on what she really meant. Their house didn't sing with the sound of Edward's piano anymore. "I've just been sewing."
Carlisle's perfect face had tightened for the shortest of seconds, the only sign that he had understood the true meaning of her words. He tacked the fake smile back on and asked, "Did you get much done?"
Esme stepped forward and placed her hands on his chest, hoping to not only give him the comfort he needed but desperately needing his physical touch herself. She couldn't remember the last time he had properly held her. They went through the motions, he would kiss and embrace her just like he always had done but it was always brief and then he would go and shut himself away. "I've mended that dress you always say you like. You know the one with the pink and gold stitching?"
His face relaxed into the first true smile she had seen him wear and brushed her cheek with his knuckles. "That's my favourite. You were wearing that one the first time we kissed."
His words encouraged her to inch closer and slip her arms around his waist. "You took me out to see the stars. I liked you so much but I didn't think you saw me as anything more than a sister."
"I remember," he said, staring down at her lovingly. His golden eyes brightened at the memory. "I thought you looked so beautiful that day." He tapped her nose lightly. "Even more so than usual if that is possible."
Esme giggled and ducked her head to hide an imaginary blush. It had been many years since she had felt her cheeks get warm, ages since anybody had made her cheeks go red. In fact she could probably pinpoint the last time to when she had met a handsome young doctor at the tender age of sixteen.
Carlisle lifted her chin with his fingers and smiled down at his wife. He loved that she had kept some of her adorable human habits. He leaned down and pressed his lips against hers, momentarily letting himself forget that Edward had left them. Embracing her, he used the incredible way she made him feel to forget the sadness that had enveloped them since he had left. She sank against him, clearly needing this as much as he did and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him as tightly as possible.
Esme clung to him, unwilling to let him go just in case this was a dream. She was scared that he would disappear and she would be left alone. Carlisle kissed her with a desperate urgency that told her he had missed this just as much as her. His hands flattened against her back and she was pulled flush against him as his lips left hers to travel down her jaw.
"Esme," he moaned as his lips moved down to her neck, wanting to kiss every inch of her, wanting to take away the defeated look that seemed to always be in her eyes now. He brushed her hair back and his lips traced the raised crescent moon scar that was the only blemish in sight.
His eyes flew open. The silver crescent moon scar was evidence of what he had done. What he had done to Edward too. He stared down at it, his arms tensing before falling away from her.
"Carlisle?" Esme looked up at him, clearly confused. She placed a hand on his forearm. "What's wrong?"
He moved away completely, bending down to pick up his medical bag. "Nothing is wrong. I've just got some reading that I need to do."
Esme frowned, her lips still tingling from his kiss. The wonderful comforting feeling that had cocooned her while they kissed was fleeing, leaving the familiar lonely sadness behind. She took hold of his arm and stopped him from walking away from her. "Carlisle, wait, please."
He turned around and looked down at her. Pain and regret was written clearly across his face. The pain she understood but the regret she did not. Their little family had ceased to be when their son, for all intents and purposes, left them. Edward had rebelled against his creator and their way of life, not understanding Carlisle's strong moral values and striking out on his own. She didn't want to think about what he could be doing now, didn't want to imagine her kind and gentle son attacking and killing people. She didn't want to think about him giving in to the same desire and need that lay dormant in her too. It had risen up and consumed her once. She had taken a human life, felt what it was like to kill a human with her own hands. The memory still tormented her now and she knew that if it wasn't for Carlisle and Edward she would have been consumed by the pain and guilt.
"I was wondering if we could go out today," she said, her eyes taking in his ruffled hair and tense jaw. Her hand moved down and she entwined her fingers with his.
Carlisle's smooth brow furrowed and he studied her eyes closely. "Are you thirsty? Do you need to hunt?"
"No," she answered, squeezing his fingers. "I'm not talking about hunting. We never do anything together anymore. You go to the hospital then come home and shut yourself away. I only get to see you when you get home from work, just before you leave to go back and when we go out to hunt."
His mouth turned down at the corners and he released her hand so he could wrap an arm around her waist. "I'm sorry, love." He nuzzled her neck with his nose and pressed his lips to a spot below her ear. "What would you like to do?"
Esme looked up into his eyes and placed a kiss on his lips. "Why don't we just go for a walk? It looks like it's going to be a nice day."
He nodded his head and let her go, turning towards the stairs. "That sounds like a wonderful idea. I'll just go and get changed."
xxx
"So is there any where you want to go in particular?" asked Carlisle. He had changed into some casual clothes and Esme was pleased to see him looking more relaxed. He had been working all the time and she missed them spending time together.
"No, I just thought it would be nice to get out of the house."
"How about we just see where our feet take us," he suggested, reaching for her hand and pulling her closer to his side. Esme nodded and smiled, glancing up her husband and then looking away quickly.
Carlisle chuckled and gave her fingers a squeeze. "What was that look for?"
She ducked her head even further and giggled softly. "This is just nice. I've..." She looked up again and he saw that her face was serious once more. "I've missed you."
His face turned serious too. "I've missed you as well." He brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed it. "Esme, I'm sorry that I haven't been myself. I've just had things on my mind."
She nodded in understanding and led him down a path that wove off into the trees away from their house, choosing to go the opposite way to the route they usually took when hunting. "I know you have."
A bird suddenly took off from the highest branches of a nearby tree and both vampires paused to follow its flight with their eyes. Esme waited for Carlisle to start moving again and thanked him as he helped her over a fallen tree trunk. She didn't need any help but she didn't refuse him, wanting the assurance that his attentiveness gave her.
He cleared his throat as if to say something before going silent once again. She glanced at him, a questioning look on her face.
He finally spoke. "People are beginning to wonder where Edward has gone."
Esme looked up at her husband in shock. That was the first time she had heard him say Edward's name for weeks. "What have they been saying?"
"Just that they haven't seen him lately," he replied, pushing a hand through his hair. "They asked if he was ill."
"What did you say?"
"I said he's gone away for a bit."
"Oh." The pair of them went silent for a moment, the only sound coming from the birds above their heads.
"I think that perhaps it's time we moved on," said Carlisle hesitantly.
Esme's head shot up and she stared wide eyed at him. "Move on? But we can't!"
He looked her in the eye for the briefest of seconds before looking away again. "People will only carry on talking. They won't be placated with vague answers for long. I'm starting to attract attention myself. We've been here too long. They will start noticing we're not aging."
They had come to a stop by now and Esme pulled him around to face her. "But we can't move on. What if Edward comes back? He won't know where we are. We need to stay here so that he knows where to find us when he comes back."
Carlisle was avoiding her eyes and staring down at the ground. She was starting to get annoyed with him. They hadn't spoken once about Edward's decision to leave them, had hardly spoken about anything and now he was saying they would have to leave.
"You do believe he will come back, don't you?" She tugged his hand to her chest and squeezed it. "Don't you, Carlisle?"
He finally looked at her face and her long silent heart gave out. "I don't know Esme." The pain on his face was startling. He turned away almost immediately and moved away. "I let him down. I failed him."
She didn't know what to say. She didn't know what he meant. "What do you mean? You didn't let Edward down."
"Yes I did." He glanced at her again. "I can't help but wonder how many people have lost their husbands, fathers and sons because of my mistake."
"Your mistake?"
"Yes. The mistake I made when I took a young man's life into my hands and played God." He shook his head and closed his eyes. "I should have let him die. It was his time."
"Carlisle?" She stepped forward and took hold of his arm. "Stop talking like this. You saved him because his mother asked you too. He was too young to die. You were answering a mother's dying wish."
He wouldn't look her in the eye, steadfastly refusing to meet her gaze. "I'm always preaching about the importance of hanging onto your humanity. I constantly tell you that we're not monsters. But what gives me that right when I took both your lives. Everything Edward said was right. I'm a hypocrite. No wonder he left."
Esme remained silent. His words tumbled through her brain. He thought that turning Edward was a mistake?
Carlisle spoke again. "I was selfish. Edward's mother didn't know what she was asking. She wouldn't have wanted this life for her son. Edward doesn't want this life!" He strode away from her and then changed direction, walking back but going right past her, keeping just out of her reach. "I sentenced you both without a thought to what you would want."
She moved to approach him but then changed her mind, her outstretched hand falling to her side. "You're a good man Carlisle. I know that, Edward knows that. You've just done what you could with the life you've been given."
He turned to look at her. His expression tired and defeated. "We can dissect it all we want but there could be any number of families out there missing a loved one because of me."
Esme wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly feeling cold even though temperature no longer mattered to her. "I don't want to just give up. Edward could come back. I don't want to lose hope."
He sighed but nodded his head in acknowledgement. They stood in silence, neither of them looking at the other. A chasm seemed to have opened up between them and for the first time in a while Esme was questioning herself.
"It's getting late. My next shift starts in a few hours and I would like to look something up before I go. Perhaps we should head back to the house." His voice was tentative and he still wouldn't look at her. This seemed to reinforce the thoughts going around in her head.
She nodded and set off back in the direction they had come, Carlisle trailing behind her. He didn't hold her hand this time. They reached the house and Esme watched as he disappeared up the stairs to get changed. Walking over to the chair and collapsing into it, she covered her face with her hands and waited for him to come down and say goodbye.
"Esme, I'm going to go now." He stood in the doorway, not moving to approach her. "I will see you later." He paused and then added, "We don't need to think about moving just yet. I know it's important to you that we stay."
She nodded and offered him a tired smile. "Thank you. Have a good day at work."
He tried to smile back but it didn't quite reach his eyes. He turned and left the house, leaving Esme to her distressed thoughts.
xxx
Esme hadn't moved in over an hour. Her mind continually went over the conversation with Carlisle. He blamed himself completely for Edward's departure and was holding himself responsible for the deaths their son may or may not have caused since then. He believed that because he decided to change Edward all those years ago he was ultimately responsible for the decisions Edward made now.
Carlisle believed he had let him down, that his decision to change Edward was not only hurting Edward himself but goodness knows how many others as well. He had said that changing Edward had been a mistake.
Did that mean he thought changing her had been a mistake too? That was the most painful thought of all.
She had slipped up once and killed someone. The guilt that she still felt for taking that person's life had never left her, but the thought that Carlisle felt guilty too was almost too much too bear.
He had never slipped up, had never killed anyone in all his years as a vampire. He was so strong he had resisted the lure of human blood while she had not.
If he had started to regret his choice to change Edward then it was only a matter of time before he started to regret changing her too. She didn't doubt his love for her. His love was obvious in every look, every touch, every kiss. But how did she explain the distantness, the lack of eye contact, the abrupt ending to their kiss that morning?
She sobbed into her hands, wishing that she could cry proper tears, needing some release from the pain flooding her body. Her chest hurt and her eyes felt sore. She curled herself up into the tightest ball she could manage, wrapped her arms around her head and gently rocked as huge sobs were torn from her throat.
"Esme?" Strong arms enveloped her shaking form as she was pulled against a solid chest. "Darling, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
She lifted her head and stared up into Carlisle's eyes. She hadn't heard him come home. She looked up at him in confusion and sat up a bit straighter. "Carlisle, why aren't you at work?"
He slipped one arm around her waist and the other beneath her legs, lifting her easily. He sat himself down in the chair she had just vacated and sat her down in his lap, wrapping his arms around her form and holding her to him.
"I just had the strongest urge to come home. I had this feeling you needed me. Then I come home and find you like this." He stroked the side of her face with the back of his fingers. "You're upset because of what I said earlier aren't you?"
"Yes and no."
"It all came out wrong. I just keep going over those last conversations with Edward. He had some very valid points. Especially the point about Charles." His arms tightened around her and his eyes flashed with indisputable anger. "People like him deserve to die. If I came across him there's no force on earth that could stop me from destroying him for what he did to you. I would gladly tear him apart."
"That man deserves to go to hell," she replied, placing a hand on his cheek. "But what you said to Edward was right. If you killed Charles then you would be no better than him. And you're far more than he could ever hope to be."
"The way you see me never fails to amaze me," he answered softly.
Esme smiled sadly. "I wish you would see yourself the way I do. The life you have given me has far made up for my human life. How can I be angry at you for showing me what it is like to truly be loved?"
"You have made my life worthwhile. You and Edward..." His words trailed off and she cupped his cheek gently.
"You did all you could for him. He chose to leave and the way he lives his life is up to him. He left because he needs to make up his own mind." She smiled sadly and stroked his cheek. "I know Edward loves you. You were a father when he needed one."
She looked down and her hand dropped from his cheek. She clutched at the skirt of her dress and whispered, "I couldn't bear it if you regretted changing him."
Carlisle frowned and lifted her chin. He could tell there was something else bothering her. "What else is this about? Darling, what's wrong?"
Esme wrenched herself from his grasp and moved to the other side of the room. He watched as she paced back and forth in front of him and his gut twisted in panic. "Esme, please tell me what's wrong."
She stopped and looked up at him, pain raw on her face. A count of ten long seconds passed before she asked, "Do you regret changing me?"
Shock flooded him and he jumped to his feet. "How could you even think such a thing?"
Esme didn't answer. She just stared at a spot on the floor, refusing to look up at him. He walked towards her and pulled her against him, relief flooding him when she leaned into him immediately. He gripped her tightly around the waist and whispered against her hair, "How could I ever regret the best thing that has ever happened to me?"
She pressed her cheek to his chest. "I have slipped up as well. I have killed someone just like Edward."
Carlisle pulled back and lifted her chin. "Darling-"
"Carlisle, I know you hold yourself responsible for Edward's actions. The thought that you feel the same guilt over my actions pains me so much." She covered his hand with her own and finally met his gaze. "But what pains me even more, is that if you regret changing Edward then one day you could regret changing me too."
He swallowed hard and gripped her chin firmly. "I could never regret changing you and making you my wife. You have completed my life in so many ways. You and Edward are the family I've always wanted."
She opened her mouth to speak but he placed his finger to her lips. "I had time to think at work and I realised you were right. We can't give up on Edward. We need to be there for him if he ever decides to come back."
"So you don't regret-"
"I've never regretted changing you or Edward. But I do feel guilty for forcing this life onto the both of you." She went to open her mouth again but he ploughed on. "I'm trying to learn to live with my decisions. I'm going to need your help."
Esme closed her mouth then opened it again. "I will always be here for you Carlisle. But..." She trailed off, the knowledge that she could easily slip up again making her feel suddenly unworthy of his love. "What happens if I lose control again? What happens if I slip and someone else dies because of me?"
"I will tell you exactly what I told you last time. That it was a mistake," Carlisle told her. "I'll always love you. I will never regret changing you. I'm afraid I'm too selfish for that."
She giggled and hit him on the chest. "You're the least selfish person I know."
"I'm not sure about that," he said, honestly. He stroked her cheek and stared into her eyes. "But I can promise that I won't close myself off anymore. I thought I was sparing you from my pain but in reality I was hurting you ten times more."
"You can talk to me," she whispered. "I'm not some breakable china doll that needs protecting from everything. I don't need protecting from the truth either. I know that Edward may not come back, but I'm not going to give up while there is still hope."
"I know. I'm sorry for not letting you in." He leaned closer, his lips hovered over hers. "I know that together we can accomplish anything."
Esme looked down at his lips and moved her hands up his chest and behind his neck, pushing her fingers through his soft hair. "Yes, we can. I love you Carlisle Cullen."
"I love you too, Esme." He smiled slowly, this one so full and happy that her toes curled up inside her shoes. She bit her lip and seconds later his mouth covered hers. They kissed deeply, safe in the knowledge that they had each other. The rest of the world could wait.
Author's Note:
Please let me know what you think and leave me a review. I hope you enjoyed it!