A Face in the Mirror
Chapter One
Green is the Colour of Youth
"Years ago, back when the world was on the brink of war, we sent a message into space."
oOo
When she first told the Lion she would be leaving to go find her family, Pidge braced herself for the flood of disappointment, the urges for her to stay, even some pouting or maybe confusion. What she didn't expect was the desire to go with her.
"I can't take you!" The green paladin said, "you don't belong to me! Isn't that stealing?" But the expanse of space was so empty and the Lion filled a void in the back of her mind that quenched the loneliness just enough that she could forget about it for a while.
The Lion grumbled a bit and a couple of images flashed across Pidge's mind that basically spelled out a teenage-ish, I can do what I want.
In the end, Pidge knew she couldn't take the Lion along—the journey was too long, too harrowing, and Voltron would no doubt be needed elsewhere. She wouldn't take that away from the universe to serve her own, selfish ambitions.
"I'm sorry," she told the giant robotic space lion, backpack hanging off one shoulder, Rover hovering over the other, "I can't."
Pidge couldn't even enjoy the party before she went—in the back of her mind she felt the lion already mourning its loss. It was almost enough to make her stay.
Almost.
She had a checklist of things that needed to be done before she went, though—get some supplies, enough to at least hold her over until she managed to find some way to produce them on her own, download the blueprints of the pod she was using so there would be a chance for her to make repairs just in case, and tell the team.
Particularly, tell Coran, Allura, and Shiro. She didn't know how the Alteans would react but she... she came to space to find her family. That's what all this came down to. Voltron came second.
It always will.
Allura's soft, "I understand" made it hard to swallow and Pidge looked down and away from the princess. Because Allura didn't understand, not really. It was hope that kept Pidge going, hope that she would see her father and brother again that got her this far into space.
And then she promised that Pidge could tell her anything, so she spilled the truth.
"I'm leaving Team Voltron."
The truth was... she was replaceable. There had been old paladins, there would be new paladins. She was not the magnet holding them together; none of them were. More than a trillion people in the universe, how could she believe she was the only one who could pilot the Green Lion?
Allura's face went slack. It wasn't the secret she was expecting, that was clear.
"Wait, what?"
"I decrypted the information from the Galra ship about where my family might be," Pidge gripped her backpack a bit tighter, watching as the princess' blue eyes widened, the skin around her lips going slack along with her jaw, and the dark complexion fading ever so slightly. The green paladin looked away, down at the floor and her feet as something hot welled up in her stomach. "Or, at least where they were," she corrected, though the distinction wasn't quite... necessary.
Trying to breathe past the pressure growing in her chest to force everything else out, Pidge squared her shoulders, and looked the other Altean in the eye. "I've made up my mind," she said, glad that her voice didn't waiver or shake. "I'm leaving tonight."
"Pidge," Allura begged, "you can't—you're one of five paladins!" Swooping forward, the princess lowered down enough to place her hands on shorter shoulders, feeling the tough metal of the armour and the heat from the technology beneath. "You have a sacred trust to defend the universe."
Backing away from the princess, Pidge narrowed her eyes and scowled. "My first priority is to find my family!" She snapped. It was the reason she was here, the reason she had been at the Garrison, why she had stayed, why she had gotten the information. Everything she did was because family came first. "I thought you of all people would understand! If you had a chance to get your father back, wouldn't you?"
That last part was going too far. Allura's face hadn't changed but the princess reeled back as if Pidge had struck her.
"I'm sorry." The green paladin said, looking away from Allura. And she was. But that wasn't going to stop her. "I should go tell everyone else."
Lance and Coran were someplace else in the castle, but trying to tell Shiro turned into trying to tell him, Keith, and Hunk with Allura beside them.
"What?" Shiro's voice was pained, "Pidge, no."
"The information from the Galra ship was enough to at least get me in the right direction to start my search." She told him, "I've got a pod all ready to go." There's no way you can stop this, Pidge urged him, please don't ask me to stay.
Keith stepped up behind her. "You can't leave," he barked, even tilting his head to look down at her.
Her eyes narrowed as she turned to him. Rover beeped a couple of notes and drifted away from the red paladin. "You can't tell me what to do."
"If you leave," he was almost snarling and Pidge felt her shoulders tense and dug her fingers into the strap of her bag, "We can't form Voltron. And that means we can't defend the universe against Zarkon." She looked away from him. "You're not the only one with a family. All these Arusians have families. Everyone in the universe has families."
I'm not a hero! Pidge wanted to shout back at him, that's not what I wanted! And it wasn't. She wanted her family to be whole again; she wanted to see her brother smile, she wanted to be hugged by her father.
The keychain burned against her leg.
She was no Superman.
Hunk was saying something about wanting to leave too but Pidge wasn't listening. How was she responsible for all these people and their lives? How was that even fair?
"YOU'RE PUTTING—" Keith took a step forward and ripped Pidge from her thoughts, his voice echoing around the tall walls of the castle, "—THE LIVES OF TWO PEOPLE OVER THE LIVES OF EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE GALAXY!" With every word he came closer until Pidge was forced to step back away from him just to stop from being run over by his body and the sudden, sparking rage in his eyes.
A hand reached out, stopping the red paladin from getting closer to her and both Keith and Pidge turned to look at the Black Paladin.
"Keith!" Shiro's voice was soft, but hard. Not yet a yell but an order. "That's not how a team works. People have to want to be a part of it. They can't be forced."
Turning away from Shiro's words, Keith ripped his arm from the Black Paladin's grasp and crossed his arms over his chest. And then Pidge was Shiro's focus again and she straightened, just slightly, under his gaze.
"If you want to leave," he told her, and his eyes were soft around the edges and gentle as they watched her, "we won't try to stop you. But, please, just think about what you're doing."
"I'm sorry." Pidge looked away because she had to and because... because she wondered if she was going to punch Keith is she kept looking at him or even cry from looking at Shiro. Who was he to tell her not to put her family first? When that was the reason she was out in space in the first place?
How dare he?
"You're going to have to find someone else to pilot the Green Lion."
oOo
"An equation that was more emotional than mathematical. An equation that added up to more than the sum of its parts–nonsensical, but aspirational."
oOo
"NO!"
Pidge's scream echoed through the metal room as she watched Rover fall, blank and silent, Haxus' scream of terror rising up and fading. She didn't hear him hit the ground, didn't hear anything except for the crackle of the light far, far below.
"Rover," she whispered and couldn't wipe at her eyes due to the helmet was in the way. Her shoulder stung, her back ached, and there was an uncomfortable stinging across her skin.
She didn't want to be here. She wanted to go home.
Sendak's voice came over the intercom and Pidge took a deep breath to steady her nerves, to swallow the tears.
Keep on marching little soldier toy.
"Haxus is gone and you're next!"
oOo
"An equation that called out and said 'Help us be better'."
oOo
Holding on to the edge of the Altean sink, Pidge leaned over the basin, her forehead almost brushing the mirror, brown hair hanging limply around her face. She panted, open mouthed, fingers digging into the strange, white metal. Saliva dripped from her lips, too much of it because she was afraid of closing her mouth and swallowing just in case... in case something else came back up. Her arms trembled, elbows locked to keep her up.
Pidge met her own eyes in the mirror, staring up between her damp, brown bangs, tracing over the pointed tips of her ears, the faint green of her markings.
"No, no Pidge, don't listen to thi—"
She closed her eyes and the sound that escaped her throat was a rough gargle between a snarl and a whine.
Pidge pressed her forehead against the mirror and twisted her head to the side as if it would make the memory turn to liquid and drip out her ear. Heavy breaths were fogging up the surface and her hair stuck to her neck. Her baggy t-shit hung across her too-small body, barely covering her thin, shaking shoulders and the cotton stuck uncomfortably against her back.
They were leaving tomorrow.
Lance would be fine tomorrow.
Everything would be fine tomorrow.
Pidge bit down on her wrist to muffle the sobs.
oOo
"We should never have turned to the stars for guidance."
oOo
Katie woke up, her eyes focusing on the streams of moonlight slipping through the cracks of the blinds, sending zebra stripes across the bookshelves and a large black poster with the red and yellow S shield. She pushed herself up, looking around the room to look for some clue as to why she was awake in the first place. The crickets were quiet, the coyotes weren't howling.
One of the stairs creaked.
Her heart was beating too fast in her chest.
It's just the house settling itself, she thought. Just like every other night. The desert was weird like that.
The stair creaked again and Katie moved her legs over the side of her mattress and dug her toes into the carpet. She gripped her blanket and felt her heart rise up to hide in her throat. It could be Matt, getting a midnight snack. Or her mother finally coming home and going to bed.
Green numbers from her alarm clock blinked at her and it was too late in the evening for everything to be settling.
Katie tilted her head to the side and listened.
Matt rolled on his bed and the mattress groaned as he shifted his weight. A dog barked once and then was quiet.
The screen door creaked as it opened.
She held her breath until it felt her lungs were going to claw themselves out of her chest and, now that she was paying attention, she could hear the small shuffling of something moving around on the carpet.
Boots.
Hide, something deep and ancient hissed at her, hide, and Katie got down on the carpet of her room and rolled underneath the small space between her mattress and the floor. She could see the bottom of her door from beneath the length of her duvet, could see the small glimmers of light that flashed by as someone—someones—walked past.
Their shadows settled and she held her breath.
The doorknob whined and the hinges whispered. White moonlight illuminated leather boots—three pairs of them—as they treaded softly into her room.
She watched as they moved past her bed to her closet, to her window. They searched and she could hear them opening the chest holding all the old comics, pull the chair back to her desk and look under there.
Katie's stomach clenched. She hadn't fixed her sheets. All she had done was climb out and hide, hopeing that her hiding place had been enough.
Stupid.
A flashlight focused on her face and she flinched away, gloved hands reached for her and she curled back until one snatched her arm and pulled.
Katie screamed.
oOo
"If there is an answer, it's here on Earth with us."
oOo
Allura was resting and because Allura was resting there were very little things to do except to clean up the mess the short stay of the Galra had left behind. Pidge had decided to commandeer the purple crystal and take it down to the 'lab' (which was nothing more than the Green Lion hangar). Others had branched off to do... something else, whatever they wanted to, and she was left starting at the points and corners of what she assumed to be a massive rock but, with looking at the Balmera, she wasn't quite sure anymore.
Space was weird. It had more problems, more complications, than what the tiny bit of Earth science even knew.
Pidge wished her father was there. She wished she could ask him questions about Balmeras and crystals and the Galra.
But he wasn't.
She played with the flaps of the Aviator hat and watched her computer slowly collect data.
oOo
"For years, I thought Superman was trying to be the answer to that infernal equation. And I hated him for it."
oOo
Eight months since the Kerberos mission had launched, Katie Holt couldn't sleep. She sat under the constellations projected across her ceiling, arms folded over the edge of the window, her nose almost pressed against the screen as she stared in the direction she knew Pluto was. A windmill of rocks churned in her chest and a strange itchiness of her skin—almost as if it was too small for her body—spread across her body like a swarm of spiders. She picked at her fingers and rubbed at her forearms but the feeling only got worse as the day had gone on.
Robotics hadn't helped and the feeling had continued through dinner until her mother sent her outside to wear off the "energy" with a bike ride. Katie had done so—riding down to the ravine and going through the long, rounded caves at the very edge of the Garrison's "allowed" range before coming back, pausing at the edge of the school to watch the new cadets wander around.
Now, though, Katie wished that she could be back out there with her bike, chasing the stars across the horizon as if she, somehow, would be able to get to Pluto with her old, rubber tires and little bit of metal. The night was bright enough that she could if she wanted to, but her mother had long gone to bed and her legs already ached from working her way through the scraggly trails.
So she stayed and dreamed and watched.
Sleeping with blankets was too warm, without them was too cold, so she pulled on an old sweater and sat down to trace the invisible lines between stars instead. A breeze drifted in from the desert and Katie sighed as the itchiness was soothed. She rested her chin on her arms and curled her legs up underneath her body.
Slowly, her eyes dropped, the wind playing across her face, until she was drifting off. Above her, the moon hung, just a sliver of light in the sky.
A coyote yipped and cackled, farther up the street, a trashcan rattled before settling.
Katie murmured and shifted, mouth open against her arm, some drool creating a wet spot just underneath her bottom lip. The desert was quiet and still, but not dark—the Milky Way stretching across the sky made sure that the rocks and cacti were well lit.
Snorting, Katie shifted and her fingers twitched.
A shoot star flared and vanished, a wish unseen and unused, across the black part of the sky that hosted Pluto and its satellites.
The trashcan out on the driveway crashed and Katie jerked awake, her eyes wide and bright. Inside her chest, her heart fluttered like a bird trying to escape the cage of her ribs and she stumbled back away from the window, rubbing her face with both hands.
"Stupid raccoon," she muttered and took a deep, shuddering breath to calm the welling terror that subsided the longer she was awake. There was a strange ache between her shoulder blades, like her arms had been pulled back too far and Katie reached back to press her fingers into the spot.
A slow roll of her shoulders made the odd pain disappear and, instead of going back to the window, Katie shed the sweater and pulled the covers back on her bed. "Okay," she murmured to herself burrowing underneath them, no longer worried if she would be too hot. "Everything's okay."
A picture of her and Matt sat underneath her lamp and even in the dark she could see the outline of his face as he laughed, colour smeared across their faces from painting the shed out back when Dad donated it for their 'hobbies'. Katie reached out and held the corner of the pillow with her hand, digging her nails into the fabric until she could feel her nails pressing into her palm.
I miss you, she thought. Come home soon.
The star had already passed, though, and it didn't quite catch her wish.
oOo
"But I see now what his actions say:"
oOo
"Allura?" Pidge peeked into the control centre of the castle ship. It was late, late enough at least, and the others had been left to whatever it is they did before they went to bed. With the fire of the supernova long gone, the room was filled with blue and white, pulsing gently like a constellation. The princess sat in the middle of it all, her head tilted upwards towards the massive screen, watching the stars in the black of space.
"Oh, Pidge," she wiped her hand discreetly across her eyes and gave the smaller Altean a forced smile that did nothing to hide the sadness. "I didn't hear you."
Pidge shifted on her heels and looked away from Allura, focusing instead on the subtle green of her chair. She rubbed at her forearms as if to soothe away an itch and bit down on her bottom lip pulled at the dry skin with her teeth, and tried to duck every bit of her body into the large sweater. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice barely loud enough to reach the corners.
Allura turned away from her, back still straight, the cracks gently being covered. "It is not your fault," she said, the words lost between the shattered particles of a king's memories. A delicate hand rose and covered trembling lips.
"No," stepping forward, Pidge sat down slowly beside the princess, tensing in case she wasn't welcome, and took a deep, shuddering, breath, "I'm... I'm sorry." Tears rose, unbidden and unwelcome in her own eyes and she bitterly wondered when she would ever stop crying. "I'm sorry for saying those things about your father and I'm sorry that he's gone because they were his memories but you lost him and he's gone and I'm so sorry, Allura—"
Arms moved, going around Pidge's torso and forcing her elbows awkwardly up at Allura's ears. White hair tickled a sensitive nose, glasses were knocked askew, and the position had a thigh pressed into a knee and a chin to a shoulder. The princess pulled the startled paladin to her until they managed to fit like two puzzle pieces that didn't quite match but matched just enough to snap together with a bit of force.
Pidge felt Allura's fluttering, shaky breaths against her jaw and finished wrapped her arms around the princess' neck. Fingers dug into her sweatshirt, pressing into a healing bruise but the paladin breathed in the sweet smell of floral perfume and pressed her cheek into the trembling shoulder. Allura was so tall that the small Altean was mostly off the ground; her legs like an uncoiled spring with one knee, half a thigh, and the side of her feet pressing into the cool floor.
But the hug was warm and it was tight and Pidge let Allura tremble.
They stayed like that until sharp twinges started moving up the paladin's legs and she shifted, ever so subtly, to bring her legs underneath her.
Allura pulled back, grip loosening, her eyes red around the edges, and she wiped at her nose.
"Th—" She cleared her throat, "thank you."
Pidge didn't quite pull away but she moved, curling into Allura's side and holding onto her waist instead. "Maybe," she murmured, focusing on the stars and the lights and the hope that burned with every beat of her heart, "when the war is over, you can be part of my family."
Allura tensed and the paladin almost pulled away, wondering if that had been inappropriate, but then the Princess pressed one hand against Pidge's messy hair, ran her hand down the back of her skull to her shoulder, and pulled her back.
"Thank you."
oOo
"'There is no answer. Figure out how to better yourself.'"
oOo
The hand over her mouth kept the screams from escaping and Katie used her swinging legs to gather momentum and hopefully knock the man holding her onto his backside. He was taller than she was. Broader. Holding her arms close to her sides, clamping them down like hands around a crocodile's snout, seemed more like a tight hug from him.
Katie never regretted being so small before.
She threw her head back and felt his black helmet crack beneath her skull.
"Pidge!"
The nickname tore her eyes to Matt who had managed to shove the man who had been holding him away. It was funny, watching her skinny, nerdy brother manage to shake off a man who looked three times his weight. "Get off her!"
If they lived in a neighbourhood, they might have managed to get someone's attention with the noise. But a habit of seclusion had guided them to a house that was far enough from the nearest person that the noise didn't attract too much attention. The men had snuck into the house and she hadn't seen her parents she hadn't seen them hadn't seen anyone but Matt—
Something slammed her brother in the side and she pulled at the arms holding her as he hit the pavement and laid still. The hand covering her mouth pulled away as she managed to hit her heel against something soft—probably a thigh.
"I need some help over here!"
"Let go!" Katie snarled and twisted in his hold, yelping as the movement pulled painfully at her shoulder. "Lemme go! Lemme go!"
The black van was getting closer and one of the men was holding her brother in a fireman carry. Matt's face was slack, blood dotted the edge of his hairline. She watched them shove him into the open double door and kicked out again, panting harshly and looking for a way to get out. Once she was close enough to the vehicle, Katie pushed out with a foot, locked her knee, and knocked the man who was holding her back a few steps.
"MATT!"
"Shut her up!"
The person who had knocked Matt to the pavement came closer and she smacked him in the chest with her foot. Something cracked underneath the padded body armour and the man dropped like a sack of flour.
Katie kicked out again, hitting empty air, and heard her knee crack, but the third time her heels connected with the side of the van. It rocked onto two wheels, groaning before it fell back down with a crash.
The man holding her brought them both to the ground and crushed her under his weight, forcing her legs down into the grass and her cheek against the pavement. It scratched her skin, rubbing it raw and she ripped her arm from someone's hold to claw out.
A boot stomped on her elbow and she howled.
"Rope! I need some damn rope—"
"Jesus Christ."
"Hold her down!"
Weight pressed down on her back and legs and arms and head and Katie whined. Thick rope wrapped around her bare ankles and she kicked out again. Someone cursed and hands pressed down on her calves, keeping her toes in the grass and dirt as the rope tied her legs together.
Gathering every last bit of air she had in her lungs, Katie screamed. Her throat burned as if someone had slid sandpaper down it and the sound cracked, but she screamed into the pavement anyway.
"Shut her up! Shut her up!"
Once the air was gone, she tried to take in another deep breath only to start coughing as someone sprayed something thick and milky in her face.
Katie gagged at the overwhelming stench of vinegar as her eyes watered. The flesh around her eyes felt as if someone was lighting a fire across the skin and poking it with a fork over and over and over again. She shut them and rubbed her cheek against the cruel texture underneath her, hoping that she could somehow wipe the pain away even though the thin grooves just scratched and tore and peeled away the layers of her skin.
Gloved hands grabbed her ankles, keeping her legs closed and taunt as they picked her up.
Something hard hit her in the chest. Something hard and heavy and big and it filled up every inch of her torso as she jerked and coughed and gagged. Her spine arched, her hands tightened into fists, and Katie felt the vomit drip from her mouth and ooze from her nose as tears streamed down her cheeks and dripping down her lips and over her nose.
She couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe she couldn't breathe she couldn't—
The men dropped her on cold metal and slammed the doors behind her.
oOo
"Just as he is trying to do."
oOo
"Allura?" Pidge called over the comms, asking it out as more of a question to anyone who would answer.
"I'm here," the Princess said, her voice chopped through broken radio waves. Tired, alive.
The green paladin sagged back into the chair of her lion. Ships were around them, buzzing red and flying in a swarm on her sensors. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the purple and red dots that marked Shiro and Keith's lions making their way towards them, followed by a squadron. They entered the top hangar together and she gripped the controls, watching as more Galra ships approached.
"Alright Paladins," Allura's voice cut through the buzzing of the headset and there was the whirling of the teleduv as it turned on, "it's time to get out of here—"
But there was nothing. Pidge watched the Galra ships approach but there was no sign on her sensors that a worm hole had opened.
"Hello?" Hunk appeared on her screen, small and in the corner. He was frowning. "What's going on? I don't see a worm hole!"
Coran showed up next to the Yellow Paladin, typing something out on the control panel, not even bothering to look up. "The Galra barrier is jamming our ability to create one!"
Shit. Pidge gripped the two hand-controls and felt the lion beneath her tremble. Shiro had been right, they hadn't been ready for this—not at all. Her eyes focused on the Superman keychain hanging from the dashboard and she turned the lion.
She wouldn't go down without a fight, she wouldn't.
One of her screen beeped and expanded, showing the strength of the jammer falter, and then die. "What just happened?"
Hunk snorted, "Who cares? Wormhole!"
This time, the teleduv burned and she watched the wormhole be made between the two planets and the massive base Zarkon had set up for himself. They hadn't quite won, but they had been victorious in what they needed. Pidge found herself grinning as the castle slipped through the wormhole.
Allura was back, they still had all their lions, they still had all their Paladins.
The castle shuddered and Pidge was knocked to the side, her hip hitting the arm rest of the chair. Metal claws screeched as they tried to gain purchase on the hangar floor.
"Coran!" Shiro's voice roared through her headset, "what's happening?"
Pidge could see it on the sensors, the broken threads of the wormhole. She clung to her controls even as Coran answered. His voice was lost, though, as another jolt dislodged the green lion and its paladin, sending both out of the open hangar and crashing through the wall out into open space.
oOo
"And, perhaps in the end, I can admit that—in being the farthest thing from an answer to that equation—"
oOo
Katie breathed heavily through her nose, eyes closed, and held onto a wrist she knew belonged to Matt. He had moved her so her shoulders were against his thigh, head tilted back, as he poured water across her face. He was careful to keep it away from her nose, aiming more for her eyes than anything.
"I got you," Matt murmured and pressed a cloth against her skin, gently wiping something from around her eyes.
She shivered and bit her lip as water touched the burning heat that flamed across her cheeks. Nails dug into Matt's skin, not hard enough to draw blood. Not yet.
"Aye, that's it," her brother murmured, "claw a bit if it makes you feel better."
She whined and turned away from the rag that was against the corner of her eye and felt damp bits of her hair clump around her skull. Water dripped down her forehead, over the bridge of her nose, and towards the pointed curves of her ears.
"I gotta clean it out," Matt said, his voice soft, "I know it hurts but its okay, you're okay."
Katie opened her mouth and took in a great, deep, gasping breath.
The door opened and she scrambled up, grabbing at her brother's arm and using his wrist. Opening her eyes didn't seem to work so she pressed her face into his shoulder instead. He combed a hand through her hair and she felt her bangs dripping around her face.
"Who're you?"
"I am Commander Ryu of the Galaxy Garrison," A man said, "I'm here to remove you from the Military's possession."
oOo
"He might have been the closest we'll ever come to having one."
Lex Luthor, Superman Unchained #9