Author's Note/Warning: I'm not at all religious, but if you as a reader are then I respect that and advise that you may want to read this with caution. I hate throwing random Japanese words/honorifics beyond "-san" and "-chan" and such that are widely understood by the fanbase in as it reads so strangely to me in English so I used the terms "Father" and "priest" instead which are more familiar to me. This fic was written purely for fun and is not in the least bit meant seriously – I wrote it because I had writer's block in fact (and just about the weirdest dream of what Akane and Ranma's wedding debacle might turn out like). I'm a bit dubious about posting it at all to be honest, but thought I would give it a go. There's a couple of the naughtier swear words and some merging of western marriage customs as I (a non-religious, and non-married person) think of them. I mean no offence to anyone, and hope this amuses anyone kind enough to read. Any reviews or constructive criticism would be very gratefully received :)
I Now Pronounce You
Father Ueda had been a priest in Japan for over 60 years. Given the life he had led so far, he would have said there was nothing left in the world to shock him even as recently as this morning.
Things had changed since then – on a rather epic scale.
It had started when a colleague of his in Tokyo, Father Asamori, had asked him to perform a wedding ceremony after being struck down by the flu. No problem, Father Ueda had said, though he had wondered at the time why he hadn't asked someone closer to home. The other priest had warned him things might be a little unusual. Father Ueda had laughed.
He wasn't laughing now. He had also taken Father Asamori right off his Christmas card list.
Ranma and Akane had seemed normal when he first met the bride and groom earlier that day. The end of that first meeting had also seen the end of any kind of normalcy by anyone's wildest definition. After that things had degenerated further and further into the realms of the just plain farcical.
The pre-ceremony strangeness of a little old man trying to inexplicably persuade the groom into a racy lingerie set had been merely the start of a long surrender. The violence with which the fidgety groom had declined the suggestion had only served to set the tone for the insanity yet to come.
'A little unusual' was by no means a strong enough caution. 'A little unusual' did not cover the best man being a panda. It certainly didn't cover a panda that communicated with perfect spelling, grammar and punctuation through hand-written signs. Or was that paw-written?
And by no means did it cover the groom being handcuffed to the best man-panda. That was just plain odd. In an astounding display of dexterity, the panda was kind enough to unlock the cuffs shortly before the ceremony began. The groom had rubbed his wrist with a rebellious expression until the panda held up a sign that read 'Running away is UNMANLY' then drew a paw across its throat. Ranma had turned pale and cooperative then. Father Ueda had wondered why.
The guests were hardly any better. Tearful parents in the front row he was used to, but the grooms' mother using a cloth wrapped around a large katana to dab at her glistening eyes was new. The little old man from before running around intent on carrying out a panty inspection of every attractive young woman in the room had him crossing himself in horror. He wasn't sure he even wanted to know about the bespectacled man who seemed to be a family friend, or indeed the skeleton he was seated next to. And apparently conversing with.
Still, he had managed to take it all in his stride, right up until this very moment. Now, his composure crumbled as his life was almost ended by a battered shrimp.
An exploding battered shrimp.
The shrimp grenade was thrown by a pretty girl who had just entered the room in a most unusual fashion; through a wall.
"Shampoo object!" she yelled, brandishing a huge sword in her hands with a jar full of more battered shrimp ammunition secured at her hip.
"Ah, well, we haven't got to that part yet." Father Ueda said in something of a fluster. The look in her eyes was quite frightening. "Perhaps if you'd take a seat you can voice any concerns you have at the proper time."
"Airen is Shampoo's husband. Airen no can marry violent kitchen destroyer! That bigotry!"
Father Ueda blinked as he processed her broken speech, decided to assume she meant 'bigamy', and raised a brow at the groom. "I take it by 'Airen' she is referring to you? You're already married?"
"No!" shrieked the groom.
"Yes!" yelled his alleged wife. "Airen defeat Shampoo in fair combat. Shampoo give Airen kiss of marriage right after."
Ranma turned beseeching eyes on the priest. "I swear I didn't do it on purpose!"
"Ah, well, I think then we ought to check the paperwork. I can't marry you today if you already have a legal wife, I'm afraid."
The girl winced and dropped her eyes to the floor. She scuffed her foot in a shy manner that was made ridiculous by her oversized sword and the ease with which she hefted it. "Shampoo no have paperwork. It three thousand year old Chinese Amazon tradition. No need paperwork, just kiss. You understand, yes?"
Father Ueda was unmoved by her coy demeanour. "I fear without the correct paperwork I won't be able to proceed with your objection."
Ranma bit his lip. "Um, perhaps we should call it off for today, just to be on the safe side?" he asked, then let out a squeak as his mother sent him a hard look and patted her katana. "On the other hand… that wouldn't be a very manly thing to do, I guess. N-never mind."
"Then I shall now resume the ceremony."
"Shampoo no allow! Airen marry Shampoo or no one!" the girl snarled, coyness long abandoned, and launched two shrimp at her beloved. Father Ueda was equal parts impressed and terrified at how well she wielded the sword one-handed to do so. Ranma kicked out at one of the shrimp, sending it flying into the aisle to detonate. The other was redirected to a similar fate by what looked like a claw on a chain. God only knew where that had come from.
Good thing the second shrimp was dealt with by outside means too, the girl's aim was a little off and that one had been headed straight for the priest. Father Ueda breathed a sigh of relief as the danger was averted.
Another lunatic chose then to appear through the hole in the wall and Ueda wondered if perhaps his sigh of relief had been a little presumptuous.
"Mousse! You no interfere!" the girl said as she buried her foot in his sternum.
A brief scuffle broke out between her and the new arrival. The long-haired boy appeared to be trying to reason her out of her pursuit of the groom. Her response was a far cry from reasonable. He let out the most plaintive cry that Father Ueda had ever had the misfortune to hear when he lost the debate big time and she launched him straight through the opposite wall.
She then turned back to face them and her expression was a mixture of vicious fury and pure madness. Ranma took one look, gulped and dove for cover behind the altar. Father Ueda didn't blame him; he was sorely tempted to follow.
"Can't we settle this peacefully?" Ranma asked, peeking out from hiding.
The girl took on a thoughtful air, then gasped and grinned. "Aiya! Shampoo think of perfect way!"
"Yeah?" The groom stepped back into the open with a visible degree of caution.
"Shampoo take place of bride in this wedding. We marry legally, everyone happy! No one object, yes?"
She took a menacing step forward, only to have to dance back out of the way of a swarm of projectile… spatulas? Father Ueda flinched and turned his gaze to the doors at the end of the aisle. They were now hanging off their hinges to reveal a girl wielding a giant spatula. At least he was pretty sure it was a girl; she was dressed as a male chef so it was a little hard to tell.
"Ran-chan! I'm here to save you!"
"Oh god." Ranma said in a tone that suggested he felt less than enthused.
The Amazon raised her sword towards the (other) interloper. "No interfere. Shampoo kill obstacles."
"Bring it on, Sugar. If Ran-chan's gonna marry anyone today, it's gonna be me! I'm the cute fiancée after all."
They charged towards each other, and just as they met in a clash of sparks and improbable weapons, the air was suddenly filled with black rose petals.
Out of the swirling black mass, yet another girl appeared. This one had a ribbon on a stick for a weapon, a green leotard and a distinctly manic laugh.
"Ranma-sama, I am here to take our vows together!" she said as she landed next to the groom, puckering her lips as she lunged to embrace him. Ranma let out a high-pitched shriek and jumped back into the priest's arms. "I fear I did not learn of our impending nuptials until the last minute. You must forgive my lack of appropriate attire for the occasion, but rest assured I am quite ready to take my place at your side as your wife."
The Amazon and the Chef both had protests to lodge at this. Hostilities quickly resumed, this time in a three-way battle.
Father Ueda turned a dark look on the groom as he set the boy back on his feet. "How many women are you betrothed to exactly?"
Ranma blushed and scratched the back of his neck. "I kinda lost track after the first three."
"This is most irregular."
"Father," he said in a solemn tone of profound misery, "You're so preaching to the choir."
Almost inaudible over the cacophony of battle cries, exploding finger-foods and shrill laughter, the bridal march began to play. There were no doors left to open so the bridal party entered with less than the usual fanfare. The two older sisters of the bride appeared first, one radiant and smiling, the other acutely dubious.
A stray shrimp detonated a little too close for comfort and the middle Tendo sister threw herself to the ground with a squeak. She stayed down after that, muttering something about karma being almost as much of a bitch as her sadistic baby sister.
It was the first time Father Ueda had witnessed a bridesmaid leopard-crawl her way up the aisle.
The other bridesmaid seemed to have no such sense of self-preservation. She just walked normally, looking serene and elegant and somehow avoided every projectile, blade and rogue punch on the way. She favoured the bespectacled man in the audience with a smile and a little wave as she passed. By way of reply he gave a manic cackle, leapt to his feet dragging the skeleton with him and proceeded to waltz with it around the perimeter of the room.
Father Ueda decided he was correct in his initial assessment of the man; he didn't even want to know.
The bride emerged next, resplendent in white on the arm of her father. Clearly the middle sister took after him, Father Ueda thought, as he too looked ready to flee at the slightest provocation.
"Tendo Akane! I have come to rescue thee from the clutches of that vile wretch!"
Good God in heaven, what now?
Father Ueda watched with a vague feeling of dread and a growing sensation of inevitability as yet another maniac made an appearance. This one was a boy with a wooden sword and some sort of Shakespeare fetish if his speech patterns were anything to go by. He made it to within three paces of the groom before he was brought to a violent halt. The hole his head left in the floor spoke volumes as to the both the thickness of his skull and the force with which the strange bandana-wearing boy had hit it with his foot.
"Ryoga!" the groom said, looking a confused mix of surprised, cautious and hopeful. "Are you here to-"
Bandana-boy cut him off with a snort as he absently booted the unconscious Shakespeare out of the way and approached. After glaring the sort of glare that could strip paint from a wall for a few seconds, he then deflated miserably for a moment before puffing on a haughty stance. "I have decided to forsake all others but Akari. I fully support your marriage to Akane-san and wish you both every happiness."
The way he elbowed the groom in the face – which could have been nothing but deliberate – in the middle of this declaration gave Father Ueda pause to doubt his sincerity. The groom however, even with a new bruise rising on his left cheek, looked moved nearly to tears.
"Ryoga! I… you…" Ranma began, clasping the boy's hand between both of his. He never got to finish his sentence though as Bandana-boy's hand was wrenched free when he was resolutely kicked in the head, across the room and through one of the last remaining walls by three feet that were each as dainty as they were deadly.
Apparently Ribbons, Amazon and the Chef were not in the mood for any sort of support for the official bride and groom.
The bridal march reached its conclusion in the background – the organist doing an admirable job of playing the instrument from her position hiding under the keys in Father Ueda's humble opinion – as the bride finally made it to the altar. She appeared ridiculously unmoved by the current commotion. Her father and middle sister took cover as soon as possible while the older sister calmly stood to the side, apparently too quietly amused by the antics of her friend and his skeleton to concern herself with the peril at hand.
Father Ueda wondered about her sanity while the bespectacled man and his skeleton completed their third waltzing lap of room unnoticed.
"Ranma-sama!"
"Ran-chan!"
"Airen!"
The voices belonging to the three feet that had just sent Bandana-boy on a one way trip to the other side of town screeched at the same time, drawing the attention of the priest and groom back to the immediate situation and each looking just as murderous as the next. The groom outright screamed; Father Ueda managed to restrain himself to a somewhat girly squeak.
A chase began around the altar, the groom in the lead followed by the three girls. The bride remained in her appropriate place, though she sported a decidedly sour expression. Around the third lap, the Chef and Ribbons broke off from the main pursuit to do battle with each other off to the side.
No one else seemed to be finding any of this too unusual. Oh sure, some guests had pulled back to give the battle room alright but most of them were still sitting in their seats with expectant looks on their faces. Father Ueda took a deep breath and decided to plough on as best he could.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in matrimony." He spoke, voice breaking only a little and secretly pleased that he'd managed to time the 'this man' bit for when the groom happened to be running past the bride. "Not to be entered into lightly, matrimony should be entered into solemnly and with reverence and honour." He couldn't help but yelp as a stray shrimp nearly blew his right leg off. This seemed to rouse the long-haired boy back into the realm of the conscious, and he, the Amazon and the groom began an awkward, grabby sort of battle of their own. The men involved seemed to be occupied with trying to end the hostilities peaceably while the girl was clearly out for blood.
"Into this agreement these two persons come together to be joined. If any person here can show cause why these two people should not be joined in matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace."
He waited, and while there were many shrieks and battle cries, there were no actual protests submitted in coherent verbal form. He winced as Ribbons caught the Chef with her weapon and threw her into the second table; not the one with the cake, thankfully, but the drinks layout was all but destroyed. Glasses were shattered and a bottle of champagne was sent cart wheeling through the air.
"Do you, Tendo Akane take this man, Saotome Ranma, to be your lawful wedded husband?" he continued, deciding to skip everything that wasn't absolutely necessary.
The champagne bottle smashed in mid-air (Father Ueda couldn't say for sure if the cause had been a stray ribbon, spatula or weaponised shrimp) and doused the grappling trio with its contents. The groom turned into a woman, the woman turned into a cat and the long-haired man turned into a duck.
He had to halt the proceedings a moment to rub his eyes in abject disbelief.
What the hell kind of champagne were these people serving?!
The groom let out a terrified shriek and began running circuits round the altar again with the feline latched onto his (her?) head, all the while screaming out 'I love cats!' in a tone that tended to suggest the opposite was closer to the truth. The duck followed close behind, quacking and flapping its wings in a desperate sort of way.
Then the groom, with a particularly horrified squeal, tripped over and went flying past in the background to land face-first in the wedding cake. The bride didn't so much a blink, let alone look away to inspect the disturbance behind her. Then, she spoke out into the chaos, her voice quiet but resolute. "I do."
"Really?" Father Ueda was moved to ask. "Are you sure?"
The girl just sighed and gave a nod, her expression vaguely apologetic. Father Ueda couldn't help but feel sorry for the poor dear. She'd had to step around at least three craters on her way up the aisle; this must all be very hard on her. She seemed such a delicate young lady.
And then suddenly poor Akane was the target of everyone's wrath from violent kittens to newly awakened boys with wooden swords. Angry words, quacks and mews filled the air, soon joined by purple prose from the newly awakened Shakespeare, until the pretty little bride reached what Father Ueda could only term breaking point.
He had expected tears, but what actually followed was not even close to a sobbing breakdown.
"Oh for fuck's sake!" the delicate little Akane snarled, her blazing aura almost lighting Father Ueda's robes on fire as it erupted. "Shut the fuck up all of you!"
She punched the cat right in the face, a particularly fine right hook the priest couldn't help but think even as the fur-ball crashed into the floor with a plaintive if truncated 'meow!'. She followed that up with a spinning back kick to the Chef – she flew out through one of the numerous holes in the walls with a most ungainly 'oof!'.
Next was a perfect example of a German suplex to Ribbons. As the girl's head smashed right through the altar, Father Ueda found himself more gladdened that her grating laugh had finally been silenced rather than distressed over the ruined altar. He had a feeling he'd need to visit confession soon to unburden himself at such thoughts, but for now he was just going to enjoy the quiet.
Next she drove the heel of her left palm right up under Shakespeare's chin while her right hand grabbed his wooden sword. One smooth follow-through later he was sailing out through a new hole in the roof, yelling out his love for both Akane and 'the pig-tailed girl' – God only knew who that was – as he went.
Finally she rounded on the groom, now a redheaded girl sprawled in a frazzled and panting heap at her feet. He/she gulped so loudly that the elderly couple in the back pew must have heard it.
"Ranma!"
"Yes!"
"If you want to do this then stand up and do it, idiot. If you don't, then just walk away now. Either way, it's your choice. I have no interest in forcing you into anything. God knows, I won't hate you for it if you walk away from all this crap our parents dumped on us. And from m-me." Akane said – yes, she actually said the words, not shouted.
"But I-I want you to know… I want you to know, I'm willing, you know, if you want to." It looked like it cost her a lot to speak this sentence, and it seemed to strike the young woman who used to be Ranma harder than any battered shrimp, spatula or rhythmic gymnastic ribbon could ever hope to.
"I do." He whispered.
Father Ueda jolted. "Do you, Saotome Ranma, take Tendo Akane to be your lawful wedded wife?"
"I do." He said, louder this time.
"Then I now pronounce you, uh, man and wife." He said, already planning what atonement he'd need to do after he got back to his home temple and got wasted on the sacramental wine because that was exactly what he was planning to do as soon as possible.
A tearful panda blubbered into a hanky held in one paw while he tipped a kettle of steaming water over the redheaded girl-groom with the other. The girl turned back into Ranma but father Ueda had lost the will to question such weirdness by this point.
"You may now kiss the bride."
"K-k-kiss?" Ranma squawked, horrified and pale as a freshly laundered table cloth. "WHAT?"
Akane whapped her new husband with her bouquet hard enough to leave marks on his face and explode all the flower petals, then threw her arms around his neck and kissed him like they did in the movies.
Ranma's braid stood up on end for a moment, then he relaxed and kissed her right back. He didn't even seem to notice as the panda, his psychotic mother and all of the Tendo family showered them both with rice. Or indeed when Bandana-boy wailed 'Good bye, Akane!' and fled the room with tears streaming down his face.
The bespectacled man and his skeleton stumbled into the well-wishers at this point (the ones that were still conscious and not steeped in bloodlust), knocking them all over like bowling pins except for the oldest Tendo sister. The skeleton sort of hugged her while the man just stood there like a muffin with his glasses fogging up and a frightening sort grin on his face that was half expectant and half terrified. Tendo Kasumi giggled demurely as she took one of the skeleton's hand between both of hers and held it firmly but lovingly. At this action, the bespectacled man seemed to suffer a brain explosion and ended up in a sort of blissful puddle at her feet.
Father Ueda still did not want to know. At that point, he just turned and walked away from the fizzing keg of fireworks that this simple wedding had become. His job was done and he just didn't care anymore. He was going home, where people were normal, and he was never speaking to Father Asamori ever, ever again.