At first, I could feel every ice-cold drop of rain that pricked my exposed skin like needles and soaked my robe, making me gasp each time a drop pelted me. But then I couldn't feel it anymore. I just walked. Most times, I didn't even know where I was. But I knew where I was going.
I left when they'd least suspect. A cold, rainy night, the snow on the ground becoming a slushy, icy mess. No one in their right mind would be out on a night like this. Then again, I guess I'm not in my right mind. Not anymore.
I just need to see him again. Just one more time, so I can commit his features to memory. One more time before I continue walking forever and ever, until my legs give out, and I'll stay there and wait for death.
I just need him to see what I've become without him. He thought we'd be better off without each other. I want to prove him wrong. He might be better off, but I'm sure as hell not. I want to show him that what I tried to do before was because I am nothing without him, and what I'm going to do now is because I love him too much to see him happier without me.
When he showed up at my door, I was honestly surprised. Doorbells do not usually ring in the middle of the night, especially a cold, rainy one. So when mine did, I knew something was wrong.
I didn't expect to see him again, and I told myself I was okay with that, even though my heart told me I wasn't. But he'd be safer there, without me.
So why isn't he there? Why is he here? And how did he get here?
When I opened the door and turned on the light, the first thing I saw was a ghost. I nearly slammed the door shut then and there because there was no way he could be here. No, it was just my mind playing tricks, showing me a nightmarish version of him, and I would soon wake up in my bed, gasping for breath. It wouldn't be the first time he came to haunt my dreams.
But he's actually here. He is real, so real I can almost feel the vibrations from his violently shivering body. I can hear his teeth chattering, see puffs of breath crystallizing in front of his face. His rain-soaked curls are matted down, a few plastered against his cheeks and forehead. He wears only a thin robe that would not be warm even when dry. In the artificial glow of the porch light, his skin is almost translucent, giving him his ghost-like appearance.
But the part of his appearance that scares me the most is his eyes. They dart wildly, probing me with an animalistic stare. He is not the boy I used to know, the boy I used to love. The boy I still… No. I push that thought away. I don't still love him. I can't afford to.
The boy I knew is gone, all because of me. The shell of that boy huddles before me, and I don't know what to do.
"I can't do this anymore."
"What do you mean?"
"This…Us…I can't. I'm sorry."
"Why? Did I do something?"
"No. I did. I wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me. But when you did it, it didn't mean anything. When I did… It did."
"But…"
"I'm so sorry. But it's better this way. Better to hurt a little now when the wound is small rather than wait until it's too big and the pain never ends."
"It's too late for that. The wound is already too big."
"Please, don't make this harder than it needs to be."
…
"Please don't cry. I hate it when you cry."
…
"I never should have tried to hurt you."
…
"Blaine, say something."
…
"Please don't hate me forever. I want us to remember each other in any light but this one."
"I can't hate you. I will only love you, even though you no longer love me."
"That's not true."
"It is. If it weren't, this wouldn't be happening."
"I don't know what to do to make this better. I can't undo what I did, and I can't ignore the feelings I had. I'm sorry…"
I wonder how many pills it would have taken if they hadn't found him. How close was he?
What he wanted as his last words to me came in a text that night.
"I love you more than life itself."
I assumed it was just a clichéd attempt at making me feel guilty and take him back. And I did feel guilty. Every day I woke up without him there beside me brought the guilt back. I never should have done that to him. He didn't deserve it, not after he explained that the only reason he cheated was because he missed me so much and I wasn't there for him, and he thought I had moved on. Why did I think it was a good idea to cheat on him just for some petty revenge? I knew he regretted his decision and had promised he'd never cheat again. Why couldn't I have accepted that and moved on?
I had deleted the text and thrown my phone aside. Not once did I think his text was cryptic foreshadowing of what he was planning to do.
What was he thinking as he swallowed pill after pill? Did I really hurt him that much that he'd rather die than live without me?
They told me he was going to get help, but they said they couldn't risk me visiting him. They thought it might upset him and interfere with his recovery. I told them it was okay, I didn't mind. And at first, it was true. I didn't want to see him like that. I wanted to remember him as I knew him: strong, vibrant, charming, courageous… Not the weak, sickly, scared boy I imagined him as after his attempt. Not the weak, sickly, scared boy who now stood in front of me.
But after a while, I found myself missing him. I just wanted to see him, to hear his voice. Just once more.
And then… There he was.
"B…Blaine! What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to see you. I wanted to make sure I could fully remember you. When I was… there… I started to forget. I forgot what you looked like, what you sounded like, what you smelled like… And I couldn't bear dying without being able to clearly picture you."
"Dying? Blaine, why don't you come inside? You're soaking wet, and you must be freezing."
"I didn't notice. And no, I can't stay. I've done what I came here to do. Goodbye, Kurt. I love you."
Blaine turned and started walking off into the night. I watched him go, still questioning whether he was real or not.
He didn't make it very far before he collapsed into the slush.
I ran over, kneeling beside him, wincing as snow seeped into my pants. I rolled Blaine onto his back and brushed the snow off his face.
"Leave me here," he said weakly. "This is what I want. I just want to lay here and wait to die."
"Blaine, no, no." I lifted one of his hands and enveloped it in both of mine.
"I have to die. It hurts too much without you. Remember what you said about wounds becoming too big and the pain never stopping? I need the pain to stop."
I rubbed Blaine's hand briskly, trying to bring warmth back into it. "I…I didn't know. I didn't know how much pain I caused. I'm so sorry, Blaine. And I know that no amount of apologizing will make up for what I did, but please believe me when I say that I was wrong. About everything. The feelings I had? They weren't the feelings I get when I'm with you. I thought they were, but then when you were gone, I realized that he meant nothing to me. I only loved you. I always have and I always will."
Blaine smiled slightly, his eyelids drooping nearly shut. "I know. And I forgive you."
Blaine's eyes closed all the way, his hand limp in mine. "Blaine, don't," I sobbed, tears streaming down my face. "Damn it, Blaine, I love you. I was so wrong to push you away. I need you. Don't die, Blaine. Not when I've realized what it feels like to love someone so much it hurts when you're not with them. I know we've hurt each other before, but I promise to never hurt you again. Okay? Don't hurt me, Blaine. Please…"
I couldn't tell if it was tears or raindrops that dripped onto Blaine's cheeks, glistening ever so slightly.
"Please, please, please, Blaine… We are meant to be together, no matter what. Our love is stronger than anything that tries to tear us apart, even if that something is one of us. Blaine…" I grabbed his shoulders, lifting his head off the snow. He looked like a doll, a porcelain figure almost too fragile to touch. I kissed the rain from his lips and caressed his cheeks with my thumbs, desperate to bring him back to me.
But it was too late. As I threw myself over his thin, cold frame and wailed, I knew no amount of tears or words or love could save him now. I had hurt him beyond repair.