Author's Note: It's my first SiriusLily, and it will probably be my only one. But, I really liked the idea of it, Sirius in love with Lily even though she has no idea and is in love with James, as tragic as it is. I'm not completely certain whether or not it's canon or non-canon, but I do know it's a story that I quite like.
Disclaimer: Me. Own. Nothing.
Summary: To her, our exchange will be a small fleeting memory of her wedding day. To me, it will be something I will remember for the rest of my life. I will remember her promise to love me always as long as my love lasts. And my love will last forever, just as I promised.
It was the classic story. She was the girl everyone wanted and the girl only a few had a chance of having. Some deluded themselves into believing they had a chance, and they pursued her relentlessly, but they were merely a foolish few. Other preferred to stand on the sidelines and admire her (whiling mocking her suitors) from afar, staying silent on their feelings. Me, I was the part of the latter group…
My name is Sirius Black, and I'm in love with Lily Evans. But as I said earlier, I like to keep quiet about stuff like that. So I would have just watched as boy after boy (and eventually, man after man) fought to 'win Lily over,' and secretly hated whatever guy she finally fell for. The only problem was, when she finally fell- she fell in love with my best friend, my brother, James Potter. Just as I couldn't hold it against her, I couldn't hold it against him.
It's their wedding day today, and I'm to walk Lily down the aisle, as her father is long gone. James was surprised she asked me to give her away, instead of one of our best friends- Remus Lupin. James tried not to show his bewilderment, I know, but I still saw. Lily has always been close to Remus, it's true. But what James doesn't realize, doesn't know, won't ever know is that Lily and I were much closer before Lily and Remus ever became mere acquaintances. The latter of which, to give you a frame of reference, happened over two years before Lily and James became involved.
Lily and I had a lot in common, that's why we were so close. The problem was, neither of us were much like the personas we let everyone else see. Don't get me wrong, our respective closest friends knew us truly- but they never would have suspected Lily Evans and Sirius Black to be best friends. And thus, they never saw it, what was right there under their very noses for years.
It wasn't that we ignored or harassed each other in the presence of others. We teased mostly, and sometimes made idle chit chat- but we never spoke venomously, never fought- at least not in front of everyone else. Privately, we fought plenty- but what else would you expect? Lily Evans's temper is famous, and I long ago discovered I have an unfortunate knack of springing it to life…Sometimes, I think I have an even better knack at it than James…
James, it's funny to think about how things are working out…James didn't really start to notice Lily until the beginning of Fifth Year. James had pulled some prank on a first year, and Lily had been witness. She'd approached him like a predator about to have a luxurious feast on its prey, and promptly told him off- using a string of names I had never heard Lily use. I still thank my lucky stars that I hadn't participated in that particular 'prank…'
After the incident, James became somewhat enchanted. He'd 'never seen a girl with so much guts,' 'she was bloody brilliant,' and 'freaking hot…did you see those legs?' I had to resist smacking him for the last one. But it would have been odd, me 'randomly' beating up my very best friend for making a comment about a girl, a comment that James made before about plenty of other girls with no resulting violence. And, if I had acted, then the whole story would have come out. And by that point, I had come to secretly love that our friendship was an undiscovered secret.
I didn't know why I loved it exactly…I wouldn't have minded it if our relationship was public, I just liked the secrecy…No, that was a lie. Well, not the part about liking the secrecy- but the part about why I liked the secrecy. I knew why I liked the secrecy…I liked it because it enabled me to pretend we were forbidden lovers…
Despite my secret pretendings, all Lily and I ever were was best friends. She was my best friend, and James was my best friend. I loved them both, but it's quite obvious I loved Lily in an entirely different way. Yet, as much as I loved Lily, I never said a word. I couldn't seem to say a word. I kept my love for her a secret, at least I kept the way I loved her, a secret. I told her many a time that I loved her. And she told me she loved me as well, but she never understood she didn't really return my feelings.
She was all blushing and excited when she told me she had fallen for James. She was glowing when they had their first date. She was radiant when they admitted they were in love. She was indescribable when they got engaged. And James was about the same. And me…I was happy for them. I was heartbroken, of course, that Lily wasn't mine. But I was glad that she belonged to the only other guy I'd be happy for her to be with.
Lily doesn't know that I love her…James doesn't know that I love her…No one knows. My love is a secret, a secret I'll carry forever. But that doesn't make it any less real; although, none of this seems real.
Surely, today can't be the day that my two best friends are getting married. Surely today can't be the day I truly lose Lily, and the day I truly lose James. Surely today can't be the day I must give my blessing for them to be happy and together forever. Surely today can't be the day that will make it necessary for me to keep my love quiet, whereas before it was merely a choice. But yet, it is- it is real.
And as she walks to where I wait in the church foyer, I can't help but smile. I know I look like a lovestruck puppy, but she looks too magnificent for me to look any other way. And as she walks toward me, I'm able to forget that in mere moments it won't be me she's walking towards.
"Do I have to give you away?" I ask once she gets near, "I'd kind of like to keep you."
She giggles, not realizing I'm only slightly kidding, and giggles a "yes." I smile wryly, and hug her before releasing her to hold at arm's length. I take her all in and find it a little harder to breathe.
"You look beautiful." I whisper.
"Thank you."
"I love you." I say, she smiles- but only because she doesn't know I mean it differently than she does when she replies:
"I love you too."
"And yet you're marrying James," I say with a dramatic sigh. She laughs.
"I love him." She says simply, her emerald eyes agreeing.
"Just a minute ago you loved me." I pout. She shoves me in the chest gently.
"I do and you know it," She pauses before continuing with a grin, "besides- James needs a marriage certificate to be really happy. All you need is the girl and love. So who says I can't have both of you, hm?"
I sigh, the game has lost all its humor.
"That's not funny, Lils. We both know you love James, and that James is like my brother. We both know that you couldn't cheat, and if you did- it wouldn't be with me."
"Yes, we know. But Sirius…you're still my number one guy, my best friend."
"Was." I say gently, as my heart breaks. "After today- James will be your number one guy, and your best friend." But how I wish it was me…
"Yes, I suppose you're right." She says like she's realizing it for the first time, her head bends down, and a frown appears
"But Lily," I say, taking her chin in my hand and lifting it back up so she looks me in the eye, "you'll always be my number one girl."
She smiles despite the tears in her eyes, and hugs me fiercely around the neck.
"I love you, Sirius." She cries.
"I love you too, Lily." I say, fighting back tears as I realize this is, essentially, goodbye.
"Always and forever." She whispers in my ear as we hold our embrace.
"Always and forever." I repeat in a low murmur. I sniffle to hold the tears at bay and succeed. Sadly, I pull away.
"C'mon, we can't keep your groom waiting…it's time for you to get married."
Sniffling, she nods and steps back. The space allows me to see her better. The crying has made her face puffy and her eyes bloodshot. She couldn't walk down the aisle looking like she did. Her wedding had to be perfect, and I wanted James to have his breath taken away like mine was, rather than have him worrying about what made her so upset. I reached for my wand and cast a concealing charm.
"Thank you." She says with one last sniffle, when she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror.
"Ready?" I ask, she nods.
I bow before her playfully, and stand up before offering my arm. She laughs at my antics and smiles as she takes my arm. To my relief, the smile stays on her face even once we enter the sanctuary doors. No one will ever know.
To her, our exchange will be a small fleeting memory of her wedding day. To me, it will be something I will remember for the rest of my life. I will remember her promise to love me always as long as my love lasts. And my love will last forever, just as I promised.
I will love her when she has her children, even though it means my place in her heart will diminish. I will love her children because they are a piece of James, but I will especially love them because they are a piece of her. I will love her when she's old, gray, and forgetful. I will love her until I fade into the dark and probably even beyond it. But she…she will never love me as I love her.
Please review! And to My Secret Pen Pal fans, once I figure out where I am, and remember where I wanted to go next (which I'm going to do after posting this) I'll start writing. I hope to have the next chapter up by the end of the weekend.
Until today: Last edited 8/17/07