Why are you Doing Things in my Backyard?

by OverMaster

Well, it seems all those explosive and violent happenings going on all over Area Elev- sorry, Japan have finally taken their toll. Most of the country is ruined after too many Ordinary High School Student Embarks into Adventurous Journey incidents. Mahora's pretty much the sole school standing. So it's time to get serious for some... fanservicey wacky hijinx! Or is it?

Why are you Doing Things in my Backyard?

An Over the Top Epic of Misguided Post Contemporary Trashy Romance.

---

I don't own any of the franchises involved in this storyline, and so I don't make any money out of them either. Any resemblance between these characters and real life manganime characters is a mere coincidence. And impossible. No animals were harmed in the making of this fanfic, except for a plush crocodile.

A million thanks to Darkenning for checking and correcting my text for this whole chapter!

---

Act One: After the End.

---

Kagurazaka Asuna was happy. For the most part. They had survived their Mundus Magicus adventure. They had even survived the Sports Festival. Then, after being placed in suspended animation for over a century and waking up in a gray future, Chao (and the Future Evangeline, she supposed, although it looked more like she was just tagging along for kicks) had been kind enough to return her to her proper time right in time to prevent a global disaster by helping Negi and the rest of Class 3-A stop Mars from crashing against Earth. True, in the process, magic had been revealed to the rest of the world, which had placed them all in kind of a rough spot even after all of their services to both worlds, but in Asuna's opinion (for all anyone ever listened to her), it had been unavoidable.

After all, with that friend of Evangeline announcing the existence of vampires and setting a vampire state under her government near Mahora's coastline around the same time, the cat had already shoved its whole head outta the bag by then. And then there was the Second Great Fuyuki Fire. And that thing over in Tokyo where a giant monster finally managed to turn most of the city into a crater. (Luckily, almost everyone had been evacuated beforehand.) And of course, who could ever forget the fiasco over at Youkai Academy (not that Asuna even ever suspected there WAS a Youkai Academy before watching that day's news) with the Alucard? Oh, and the whole freaky incident that ravaged Fuuka Academy, even though almost no one died there, for some reason? And the alien blowout over Tomobiki? And the less be said about what had happened in Nerima, the better.

Bottom-line was, during the last few months, all over Japan, too many things had happened, too quickly, to keep the existence of the supernatural a secret, even if Negi and 3-A hadn't lifted a finger at all. (Granted, then everyone on both worlds would have died, so it was probably a moot point.) That was the way Asuna looked at it, and she was sure most of her friends and acquaintances thought the same, even if Chisame still stubbornly refused to talk about it, and when asked, Takane-sempai would just break into mad angry sputterings. As a matter of fact, Asuna suspected that, rather than the whole "saving the worlds" thing, was the reason why the Headmaster and the Magic Associations had conceded defeat on the subject of erasing Ala Alba's memories of magic, and allowed them to keep their Pactios with Negi. (Furthermore, while averting the crash, those Pactios had become permanent, so once again, that seemed to be a moot point, one way or another.)

So, as we hope you'll agree, Asuna had damn good reason to feel good. However, it tends to happen no happiness is complete, and as she sat up on her bunk that morning, yawning and scratching herself on a flank, ready to start her daily delivery route, her mind wandered back to what Negi had whispered into her ear shortly after the graduation ceremony.

That name. A name not her own.

The name of the girl he liked.

Asuna had told Chamo, then, things could always change, and she meant it then and she meant it now. She thought about it as she carefully slipped out of bed without waking Negi up. She mulled on it as she stopped before Konoka's lower bunk to better arrange the sleeping girl's blankets around her, and to give her a chaste peck on the forehead. She let it bubble in her mind as she walked into their small bathroom, took her pajamas off, and took a shower.

She knew it wouldn't be easy. At all. But Asuna was a fighter, and she had lost all fear of any challenge the day she went into that long sleep, steeling herself to keep hold of her memories, holding them dear to her for more than a troubled century. And still, it ached, knowing that, for now, after all they had gone through together, she wasn't the first one in his heart. She was his replacement big sister figure, and his most trusted comrade in arms, but her heart ached for more. It yearned for what that other girl, without knowing it, already had.

Asuna fixed the tiny bells in her hair before anything else. Then she slipped into her underwear, knowing well the perverted ermine was peeking at her from his bed drawer, through a half-open eye as he feigned sleep. She didn't care anymore. She had stopped being that self aware what amounted to several actual lifetimes ago. Now she wondered if that was how Evangeline had always felt like on the subject. It certainly would explain several things. She zipped her jeans up, buttoned a light shirt around her shapely torso, moved in silence towards the front door, picked her shoes up, and placed her hand on the door knob.

"Good morning, Asuna-chan," Konoka sleepily muttered from her bed, eyes still closed.

"Take good care, Asuna," Negi similarly mumbled from above, hugging Asuna's bedsheets tightly.

Asuna only nodded as she walked out. One of those days, she'd slip out without waking them up. One of those days!

As she took her bicycle and began pedaling towards her employers' house, she was reminded of the other, and perhaps main, reason why she wasn't that happy lately. Competing with the other girls, she could cope with that easily. All those newcomers, however, now they were a pain in the ass.

The vast majority of schools and academies of the neighboring Tokyo area and its surroundings had been demolished or downright vaporized through the recent chain of cataclysmic events. Mahora, being the largest academic center still standing and relatively undamaged (other than a few spots that had been badly hit during the demon attack from Mundus Magicus, but those were already mostly repaired) had to absorb most of the displaced academic populations. As a result, Asuna's dear home had become overcrowded practically overnight. Large as the Mahora campus was, what once had looked unfathomably huge seemed to have shrunk with so many ... weirdos stuffed into it. Yes. Weirdos. Sometimes, Chisame's terminology came in really handy.

As Asuna pedaled down the road, passing between dorm buildings crowded far beyond their intended original purposes, she clearly could hear the early chatters and squabbles, far different from the usual calm and silence she'd once favored and savored in her mornings.

It was a strange world. And now, stranger than ever.

---

Evangeline A.K. McDowell, the Mistress of Puppets, the Queen of Darkness, the Death that Walks like a Child, She who Scares Even the One who Scares Dragons, had used seldom had to train to defeat someone. Once, long ago, she had worked thrice as hard as her current pupil normally did to overcome her most hated enemy, but those days were long gone, and ever since, she had never needed to strain her capacities through effort and practice to smash any unfortunate soul foolish enough to cross her. As of late, however, that had changed, much to her annoyance.

There was, of course, the matter of the relatively recently unleashed Lifemaker, inhabiting the body of that idiot Nagi to boot, whose current whereabouts were unknown, but presumably remained somewhere in the loose. However, there was someone who weighed more heavily on Evangeline's mind at the moment.

Herself. Or a reasonably close facsimile, at least to the eyes of everyone but Evangeline.

Kagurazaka had not returned alone. Other than Lingshen, she came with someone who claimed to be Evangeline from one hundred thirty years in the future. Evangeline had hoped that the annoying mirror image would leave quickly, but no. She had stuck around, claiming that, by changing the future, something Lingshen hadn't managed to do in her first trip to the past, the timeline from whence she came was no more. And so, she, despite having her curse broken, had deliberately and with malice aforethought chosen to make Evangeline's life miserable by sticking around. In HER home. Kicking her ass in every video-gaming session with the unfair advantage of her additional decades of experience.

This would not do.

So Evangeline had dedicated her every waking hour (except those devoted to school, on the insistence of a certain stupid boya) to improving her mastery of the art of pixelated combat. And there she was now, that early morning, absorbed in her latest flying combat simulator, until ...

... a disgusting smell filled her nose, then her lungs, and it made her jump on her couch, shrieking.

Seconds later, she stormed into the kitchen, roaring in rage "CHACHAMARU! What have I told you about - Oh. It's you."

Ah yes, there was the other problem. The other Evangeline hadn't come back alone, even setting aside the company of Kagurazaka and Lingshen.

The black haired boy who was at the kitchen tilted his head back from the disgusting stench drafting from his hideous (for an immortal bloodsucker, that was; most of us would have found it delicious) culinary concoction. "Hmmm? Ah, it's you, Yuki- sorry, Evangeline-san. Are you up that -"

He was silenced by a slipper thrown at his face. "Goddamn moron!" Evangeline growled. "What are you doing, cooking with garlic and onion in MY home! What kind of vampire are you, cretin!"

The boy blinked as the slipper slid down his face. "Eeehhh? But I tried not to use too much. It wasn't like I was going to serve it to you, it was only for me and -"

The other slipper impacted on his face. "For you! Out of all the vampires in the world, I had to meet the only one who isn't bothered by such awful things! What have I done, non-existent God? What?!"

"Well, it's not like I have any real vampire weaknesses, so ... I mean, I can look at myself in mirrors, I'm not fazed by crosses, I can stand sunlight just fine, so why should I -"

"You aren't even a real vampire at all, ugly looking numbskull!"

"Eh! But you lack most of those weaknesses, too!"

"In their stead I have a weakness against imbecilic behavior! So why don't you grab that -"

"Touta," a more mature, coldly hissing voice interrupted her as a taller form loomed above and from behind her, clutching the frame of the kitchen's door with a hand. Wearing nothing but panties and an open shirt, the other Evangeline stared daggers of ice at her protege. "What have we said about the stink of garlic and onions waking me up before my time?"

The boy gulped as both blondes marched slow and menacingly towards him. "I was thinking ... maybe you should try and overcome your few remaining -"

"DIE!" With black and golden eyes, both Vampire Witches jumped on him, hands turning into claws.

Attracted by the commotion, two attractive females in maid outfits (one Western themed, the other in a traditional Japanese style) stood now behind the cartoony cloud of dust and punches at the middle of the kitchen.

"Master, please, don't hurt the grandson of Negi-sensei," the one in the French maid clothes with the long light green hair requested.

"Master, don't stain your hands," the one with short black hair asked. "Let me handle Konoe-kun for you."

Chachamaru and Karin then blandly stared at each other, with a cold aura surrounding them both.

Life at the McDowell cottage had become a lot more interesting lately.

---

Elsewhere, an attractive young woman was taking a shower.

Do we have your attention now?

As she closed her eyes and relaxed, in the nude (the things we have to make clear to keep your interest, people) under the flow of warm water, she failed to hear the soft sounds of steps coming closer.

As she washed her relatively short and straight brown hair, she turned her back to the curtains of the shower stall, and thus to the shadow cast by the person approaching her from the outside.

As she rinsed the soap off her modest but well shaped breasts, the figure stopped before the curtains. The large kitchen knife it was holding was raised higher. The figure's wide, vaguely eerie eyes fixed themselves on the curtains, and the outline of the girl taking her shower. For a moment, the figure stood there, hesitating, before pulling the curtains aside, knife firmly in hand -

"Sekai-san!" said the busty girl in a light black shirt with an apron and short skirt. "This won't work!"

"AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEE!" Saionji Sekai shrieked in panic, jumping back and pulling a towel around her wet body. "You can have Makoto, justpleasedontkillmeno!"

Startled, Katsura Kotonoha blinked twice, lowering the knife just a little. "Sekai-san? I only came to tell you this knife won't work for what I'm doing, it's too big, and your mother, well, she's busy, so I hesitated to interrupt you, but I wanted to ask where you keep -"

"- oh," Sekai exhaled strongly, interrupting Kotonoha's latest nervous tirade, and resting her back against a wall of aquamarine tiles. "The locked cabinet next to the sugar pot, Kotonoha-chan. Mom hides the key under the Mickey Mouse figurine in the cupboard."

The taller and much bustier girl smiled very cutely. "Thank you, Sekai-san," she said in a demure, submissive tone before turning and walking away, leaving the bare girl alone with her thoughts.

What had started at Haramihama City late the year before had continued as they moved to Mahora. The girl who had just left, Kotonoha Katsura, had been Sekai's rival in love for a short but very intense time over the affections of the same boy, one Itou Makoto. On the verge of killing each other, Sekai and the sheltered, often bullied Kotonoha had reached a unique agreement of sorts. It was a tenous truce at best, but they had started what only could be described as a three way relationship with him. Then disaster struck the city, and Kotonoha's family had arranged a position for all of them in the Mahora area; a position which Sekai highly doubted they would have arranged for, had they known what transpired between Kotonoha, Kotonoha's boyfriend, and Kotonoha's new best friend who had oh so gracefully taken her under her wing. Among other places.

It annoyed Sekai that Kotonoha was the officially recognized girlfriend, but it was Kotonoha's mom who had supplied the small house at the academy grounds and the nice job for Sekai's mom at the local RADISH restaurant, so it wasn't like Sekai could make a case against her co-lover's primary claim. The slip of a lip sinks ships, as the old saying went.

To a much lesser degree, the idea of someone losing her job, in such hard times too, so her mother could land her new position annoyed Sekai as well. Saionji Youko had been the manager of the Haramihama RADISH until it was destroyed under a giant foot (something Sekai didn't ever want to think about again) and while Kotonoha's mom had claimed that transferring her to the Mahora branch had been a proper reward for her years of hard work, Sekai knew it was a favor of the rich entrepreneur to the mother of her daughter's best-friend-definitely-not-co-lover. Not like Mom ever did a bad job, far from it, but ...

Sekai decided to set such thoughts aside for the moment as she toweled herself dry and then put most of her clothes on. It was useless, worrying about that now. Things were more or less working out for them now, and that was all that mattered, right?

As she passed next to her mother's bedroom in her way to the dining room, she vaguely overheard the older female talking in hushed tones with someone over the phone, but Sekai blocked the conversation out while passing by. By the time she had made it to the table, Kotonoha already was serving breakfast, and Sekai gave her a quick thank you peck on the lips while there was no one around. As expected, Kotonoha blushed adorably and backed away stuttering, which gave Sekai a chance to finish arranging the plates and glasses herself before her mother arrived, smiling pleasantly and congratulating her on her hard work.

The three ate the same way they always did, with Kotonoha keeping a shy, respectful silence as mother and daughter chattered.

"- they said it'd help us to acclimate here," Sekai was explaining. "Cool, huh? We lost more than half the classroom when we were scattered around the country, but I'll still be in the same class as Makoto, Hikari-chan and Setsuna-chan. And now Kotonoha-chan, as well."

"I see. It must have been quite the logistics effort, re-arranging all the classes like that. And they are doing the same for each school? That's impressive." The beautiful woman, who looked more like Sekai's older sister than her mother, took a brief sip of juice between mothfuls.

"Yeah, the old system here was separated in genders, but they didn't have the time to redistribute us that way before the term started, so..." Sekai made a vague gesture. "I suppose that's the best they could do."

"I'm glad they didn't," Kotonoha said very softly. "I'd have been saddened if I couldn't see Makoto-kun often, but now ... I'll get to see him every day." She gave a tiny, frail smile.

Sekai affected a playful sneer. "Just be careful you don't end up sick of him. You know what they say about too much of a good thing?"

Kotonoha blinked, startled. "Oh? Oh, no, I'd never-!"

"Sekai, please, don't tease Kotonoha-chan like that," Youko said as she stood up. "Well, I've gotta go now. Sunday or not, we'll still have customers. I hope. Do the dishes and then join me when you're done, will you, Sekai-chan?"

"Sure thing, Mom. See ya," Sekai lazily waved as the woman headed for the door, then asked Kotonoha, once she was gone. "A quickie before I go?"

"Oh, b-but you already cleaned yourself up!"

Sekai grinned. "That's okay. Next, you'll be the one to clean me up, then. Pucker up, sugar lips," she added as she spread her legs to reveal that she'd omitted one specific piece of clothing.

---

"You broke up with him?-!" the big breasted girl with short orange hair boggled.

The older (despite what she claimed) female with long red hair shrugged as she finished putting on her waitress uniform. "It was more like we broke up with each other, but yeah, I did. It happens."

"But - but he was supposed to be your Most Special Person!" Tokiha Mai gasped, her speech somehow managing to capitalize the most relevant letters. Behind her, a third girl, the shortest of the three, with short light brown hair and a rather modest figure, had frozen in the middle of pulling her uniform's skirt up.

"'Was' being the key word," Sugiura Midori commented quietly, patting herself on the chest area. "Hm, these ones are a bit tight around here, it seems. Well, I'm still growing, apparently."

No, you're getting fatter!

"Anyway, you know how it is. People's feelings aren't set in stone," Midori, Mai and Higurashi Akane's former colleague in Magical Girl adventuring and emotional turmoil, sat down to wait for the others to finish changing. "What, does it make you feel unsure about your own feelings? It doesn't have to be the same way with Tate-kun and Kazuya-kun."

"We never implied that it would be," Mai said, somewhat coldly.

"Not that Mikoto-chan would mind if your primary allegiances changed," Midori grinned insolently. "Or Shiho-chan, for that matter."

Seeing Mai's expression settling into a stone frown, Akane dove in for the topic-changing save. "Ah ... by the way, Sugiura-sensei, did you finally get that teaching post at Mahora, then?"

"You have noticed that I'm serving tables with you two again, right?" Midori sighed. "Not that I mind the company, but ... nope, it seems it didn't pan out. I can't understand why! I have the best references, and I know they're hurting for new teachers now, but -"

"Maybe they don't hire seventeen-year olds around here," Mai commented as subtle payback.

"Nah, that can't be it," Midori replied carelessly. "They even have a child teacher here. Maybe they're just afraid the HiME Festival could restart at some point?"

Dead silence descended on the room.

"B-But that's impossible, right?" Akane asked warily after a moment. "We destroyed the HiME Star. Right?"

"Of course we did, but without Mashiro to clear things up for us ... it all basically boils down to our word alone. Maybe we're fortunate they let us in at all."

"So what will you do?" asked Mai. "I mean, you didn't come all the way back from America just to become a waitress and nurse a broken heart, did you?"

"No, I also plan to get drunk every night," Midori stated matter-of-factly, then dodged a flung shoe. "Okay, I'll also taking a few courses as well. I'll see how it pans out from there. How's everyone else, by the way?"

"Oh, Nao and Alyssa-chan got a transfer to the local church, Shizuru-san and Suzushiro-san will start attending the local college this week, Sister Yukariko is still living with the creep, and Natsuki is staying with Mikoto-chan and me for the time being," Mai explained.

"Hmm. Are she and Fujino still -" Midori made a few gestures of intertwining fingers.

"More or less, but it's not like they'll allow Natsuki in the college dorms, and she doesn't have anywhere else to go. As for Shiho, looks like they'll dump her on the nearest shrine, as per request of her grandfather," Mai shared.

"Poor shrine," Midori said. "And ... Takumi-kun and Akira-chan?"

Mai's expression lost cheer again. "Still away."

"And still having problems coping with it, I see," Midori replied.

"I'm working on it!"

"You know it's the best for them."

"Yes! Of course I know!"

"And you're glad for them, aren't you?"

"Naturally. Why wouldn't I be?"

"But it's still hard."

"Oh, please, be quiet."

Then Saionji Youko's head peeked into the dressers. "Girls? I'm opening now. Get ready and take your places, will you?"

"Yes, Ma'am!" Midori flipped her a salute and a grin, as Akane fixed her skirt one last time and Mai absently toyed with the buttons on her chest.

Yes, those shirts were tight. Midori was right about something, after all.

---

He had faced many terrifying things and events through his long, fabled career. Bald mad scientists. Rocky doomsday killing machines. World destroying robotic alien overlords. Fiendish omnipotent abominations from other dimensions wearing bowler hats. Emotionally disturbed billionaires who dressed up as flying mammals. (Thought we were going to say rodents, didn't you? We know our taxonomy, pal! Bats are a separate order entirely!) An angry reporter just dumped for an Amazon. Said Amazon's hundreds of sisters, who had magical weaponry, the willingness to use it, and a centuries-long history of castrating men. Graviton City's destruction.

Yet, he still was as nervous as they came about his next day. For it would be ... his baby's first day at a new school.

Those always were bad. He preferred the bald mad scientist over those. Actually, the two of them had kind of rekindled their childhood friendship over the last few years. Lex's death traps still were lethal, but now with that familiar air of essayed menace that always ended up with both of them sharing some drinks and a few nostalgic laughs before the unavoidable transport to prison.

He sat in silence at his kitchen table, almost hunchbacked over his Western styled breakfast, trying to read his newspaper in a state of mental peace. His wife hummed pleasantly to herself as she ate, then, at an apparently random moment, raised her voice with the calm attitude of a (supposedly retired) warrior. "Eiko! Come down already, dear! Your food -"

Upstairs, large blue eyes snapped open.

"- is -" her mother's voice continued.

She sprang up from the bed, clad in nothing but a white cotton bra and panties.

"- getting -"

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! I'll be late in my first day here!

"- cold -"

The small house they had gotten after calling in a few long due favors from the Mayor shook and rumbled ominously, and then a red-haired sonic boom zoomed down the stairs.

"-!" the woman currently known to the world at large as Mrs. Magami said as the third plate of breakfast cooling at the table was violently wiped clean in a blink. A high speed kiss that with friction that would have opened holes on lesser beings' faces barely grazed her cheek. And then her baby was on her way out their door.

"ByemommybyedaddyseeyoulateryoushouldhavetoldmeearlierIwillbelate!" Magami Eiko, sixteen and a half years old, rocketed out the front door, absently reaching for a small hand as she ran -

- a hand that wasn't there, never mind the rest of that person. A street later, Eiko screeched to a halt that cracked the pavement, looked at her empty hand, noticed the distinctive absence of any cute small blondes there, and walked back to her house.

"Hey," she peeked in. "Where's Shiiko-chan?"

Her father suppressed a sigh. "Still sleeping at her new home, I suppose." He listened quietly, detected a distant heartbeat, and nodded. "Yes, she is. Eiko, today's a Sunday. Your classes start tomorrow."

"- oh," the youngster said.

Her father smiled, looking at her from above his glasses. "But congratulations. Had it happened today, you'd have been very early."

"Ah ... that's great!" Eiko decided, sitting down on her spot at the table. She stared down at her now pristine plate, grabbed it, and sheepishly extended it over to her mother. "Umm ... got any seconds left, please?"

---

Sitting at the edge of the Mahora piers under the bright spring sun, two tall and handsome men who definitely didn't look Japanese at all were fishing. Or rather, trying to fish, since so far they hadn't caught anything but the admiring glances of some women (and even men) who passed by.

"I'll never let you talk me into your idea of 'fun' again," grumbled the taller, deeply tanned man with white hair, in a red leather jacket over a black muscle shirt and matching pants. "This is the stupidest thing I've ever done, and the Root knows I did tons of stupid things when I was a kid."

The leaner man, of electric blue hair in the Hawaiian shirt and shorts, shrugged. "Well, I like it. I'll give you that it isn't very thrilling, but it's the sole non-thrilling thing I like. I'd prefer being fighting you to the death, but well ... you know."

"The Root help me, at this point I'm thinking killing each other might be preferable to this."

The blue haired man laughed. "Isn't that ironic, Archer? You've fought for peace so long -"

"You don't have the foggiest idea of what I fought for, Lancer."

"Oh, cut that out. By now, we know each other well enough. As I was saying, you've devoted so much time and effort to building a peaceful future for this world, and now it seems that's coming, even if it's mostly because there's not much left to wreck anymore, you can't do anything but long for battle. Just like me."

He shrugged. "What can I say? Maybe I spent so long fighting I forgot how to find solace in anything else."

"Except for cooking. But no matter what, I'm not going to waste my time in a kitchen with you."

Archer muttered under his breath. "Maybe I should start hanging with Berserker instead."

"In that vein, how are the little goblin and him doing?"

"Rin thinks she might have found a way to keep her alive, at least a few years longer, but what it might be, she isn't talking. She's started spending most of her time in that Library Island they have here, researching, so I actually don't see her that much other than during my recharges."

"Oh-ho!" The other man grinned.

"Not that kind of recharge." Archer sounded annoyed. "Three's company, four is a crowd. She has enough with Saber and the idiot in her plate, and I'm perfectly okay with that. You?"

"Well. Bazett isn't ready for that kind of step, just yet. It's fine. Still, sure beats being with the priest, by a mile."

The men remained in silence for the next minutes then, evenly staring into the oceanic line of the horizon.

"Archer, be honest with me. Do you regret anything?"

"Yes. I regret coming with you here today. You talk too much, and scare the fish away."

"No one is forcing you to stay, you know ..."

"I don't have anywhere else to go."

"Can't you go find yourself a job or something?"

"Just like you? At least I look after my Master's home."

"Not all of us were born in the age of homemaker men. But seriously, if you could go back and redo that War -"

"I've found going back and trying to fix things never works as you wanted."

"Still, let's suppose it did, whatever you meant by that. If you could, would you leave things as they are now? I mean, they seem to be just the way you'd have liked them, and yet you still don't seem happy. What's it gonna take?"

"You could supply a good start by closing your mouth."

So Lancer didn't, naturally.

Even if he never got his answer.

---

Meanwhile, deep beneath the city, protected by the labyrinthine complexity of the sewer system, dark forces conspired against the very peace Archer and Lancer innocently commented about. Wrapped in the overwhelming blackness of a secret chamber, a lair of evil, a grim sanctuary of persistent perfidy -

"Excel, please turn the lights on already," a rich, cultured manly voice patiently requested.

"- as you say. Sorry, Lord Il Palazzo," a girl's voice 'eeped', shut up that's totally a word, before a switch was flung up and light bathed the chamber. The blond shapely woman in the tall boots, short shorts, small top and open green jacket saluted with enthusiasm. "HAIL IL PALAZZZOOOOOOO! After a brief transitional interval, Excel is here, back to continue serving the cause of ACROSS! The cause of Lord Il Palazzo! No matter if I die! No matter if I'm threatened! No matter if my bones are cracked into dust! Excel will continue serving you until Excel's last breath! Here or wherever else these bizarre twists take us, the force of Excel's love will keep her tied to ACROSS and Lord Il Palazzo, not necessarily in that order! Becauseeeeeeeeeee-!" she yelled as the regal figure sitting on the tall throne before her pulled on a rope, a trap door opened under her feet, and the darkness below swallowed her.

The bustier, pale young woman with brown hair who had been standing at her right saluted as well, far more weakly. "Haiiiill ... Il Palazzooooo ..." She broke into a violent fit of coughing. "Agent Hyatt here, Sir," she wheezed once it was over.

The purple haired pretty girl standing at the other side of the open trap door saluted too. "My Lord Il Palazzo! Your greatest and sexiest agent and asset, Elgara, reporting herself for active duty! With the light of a new dawn!"

Finally, there was a loud splashing sound at the end of the trap passage. "Ahhh! Megami-sama! It's cold!" Excel's shrill voice yelled. "I see you were quick to install the trap at the new HQ, Lord Il Palazzo, as expected from your magnificence, but you yet have to add the crocodiles! The sharks! The killer octopi! The venomous stingrays! Not like I'd ever criticize you at all, just commenting!"

The tall, dark and bishounen Il Palazzo, secret leader of the ultra-secret ACROSS Agency, tugged on the rope once more, and from the ceiling, several stingrays fell down into the pit. "Better now? The rest of them should be delivered this weekend."

"AIIIIIEEEEEE! Oh wow, they're toxic! I'm hallucinating already!" Excel gushed from the bottom.

Il Palazzo coughed softly, then extended a mighty gloved hand ahead. "Fellow followers of the sole path to virtue! F City was conquered! It was also destroyed in the process, but that was nothing but a temporary setback! The world continues to be corrupted, so we will proceed to take the next step towards its subjugation and purification! Starting with the Mahora district, from our new secret headquarters!"

The girl named Elgara nodded several times, very quickly, as the one named Hyatt coughed up some blood, doubled up on herself, and fell to her knees, dead.

"This is great even if already slightly old news, O Ultimate Exposition Overlord of Hotness!" Excel said, crawling back up from the pit. "However, I have a major question!"

"I will proceed to explain the plan to follow immediately," Il Palazzo said.

"And that's great and awesome and cool even coowesome, but sorry, not to interrupt you, but that's not what I meant!" Excel pointed at Elgara, for a moment sprouting as many hands and arms as tentacles a squid has. "What's this ugly annoying manga woman doing here, since I was under the impression we were following the continuity of the -"

Il Palazzo tugged on the rope again, and Excel fell down another trap door. The water splashing in all directions hit Hyatt, who revived with several disoriented blinks. The beautiful man in elaborate robes answered smoothly, "Please restrain from commenting in ways that alter the balance of our actions, giving non-existent onlooker the feeling of a disjointed narrative, Excel."

"I promise to cut back on the Fourth Wall Breaking!" Excel's voice vainly promised.

Il Palazzo nodded his acknowledgement, which was the closest he could come to a Thank You. "Minions of ACROSS! Through observation of this city's structures, I have concluded that Mahora gravitates around the massive school that gives it its name. And even as we speak, that school boils with underaged perversity and debauchery! Therefore, we must strike at the very black root of this problem, by infiltrating this Mahora Academy and destroying all agents of pernicious decadence, before seizing control!"

Elgara blinked. "What manner of city spins its economy around a single school? Elgara thinks, hopefully not out loud this time, that is very suspicious and difficult to believe, like the setup to a cheap school fantasy manga."

Climbing back up from the water again, sopping wet, Excel pushed a yelping Elgara aside as Hyatt took readings of her own blood pressure. The small device ended up exploding on her face, killing her once more. "Sir, yes Sir!" Excel yapped happily. "I'm all up and down and at both sides and inside but never ever outside for that! However, Lord Il Palazzo, isn't this pretty much a repeat of a certain past episode of our lives, when Ha-chan and me, without any purple-haired manga interlopers, were sent by you in your infinite wisdom and sublime grace to infiltrate Inunabe High, Excel's old, well not so old since I'm very young anyway, alma mater so we could -"

Il Palazzo tugged on the rope a third time, and down Excel went again. "Don't be preposterous, Excel. Everyone knows, when you're starting all over again, all old things are new once more."

"AHHHHHHHH! RULE OF THREEEEEEE!" Excel cried during her fall.

A semi-recovered Hyatt nodded as Elgara opened an umbrella and shielded herself from Excel's splashing arrival at the watery bottom. "That's very wise and insightful, Lord Il Palazzo," the sickly girl said. "However, if I may be as bold as to ask, how will we be infiltrating that Academy?"

Il Palazzo opened his mouth to give his well reasoned, craftily thought course of action, one that surely wasn't birdbrained and doomed to fail miserably as if a certain Keronian had hatched it, but since that's a sideplot to be continued in another chapter, we'll leave it at there for now.

"Hey! It's quite rude, interrupting and pulling the cameras away when one is about to lay the foundations for the future!"

Tough luck, pretty boy.

---

Right when the chúi were about to hit Saotome Haruna's head, the beautiful purple haired girl swinging them (not to be mistaken with the beautiful purple haired girl seen in the prior segment) stopped in mid-swing, and not exactly because of the magical wand brought from Ariadne and the adventurer's dagger hastily aimed at her from opposite directions. "You Airen's sister?" the girl asked dubiously, staring up and down at the stacked, bespectacled black haired younger girl she had just tried to kill.

Standing right behind the four girls on the sidewalk, Saotome Nodoka nodded patiently. "Indeed. She's Haruna, my youngest child. She was studying here at Mahora while Ranma and my husband travelled across Asia, so they haven't met in years. I was taking her and her friends to meet them. So, what ever gave you the idea this was supposed to be a date or marriage arrangement?"

The athletic Amazon stared at Haruna's face some more. Haruna grinned nervously at her, trying her best to look innocent, and, as usual, failing. However, the other girl swung her chúi back over her own shoulders and huffed. "Well, you should have told Shan Pu before!"

"Tell you before? When?" the shortest girl present asked, in a far more agitated tone than what was her custom. "You just jumped out of nowhere on us! We haven't ever seen you before!"

That girl smiled at her, with a hand on her own chest. "I Shan Pu, Ranma-Airen's wife!" Then she bowed to Haruna, and continued, in Japanese that made Ku Fei's sound incredibly smooth, "Is honor meeting Sister-In-Law!"

"Uh ... likewise?" Haruna said. "So, can we go now?"

---

"My family and Miyazaki-san's have been close for a long time," the Saotome matriarch reminisced, sitting at the head of the table next to her uncomfortable looking husband. Who was currently a panda, no doubt to avoid answering most complex questions he could dodge. Even to Miyazaki Nodoka and Ayase Yue, that still was kind of weird. "That's why Haruna, who was like a sister to me, named her daughter after me, and I named Haruna-chan after her. Isn't that a merry coincidence?" she smiled charmingly. "To think the both of you developed the same sort of strong bonds even without knowing the truth!"

"Yeah, that's ... ironic, right?" asked Saotome Ranma, now seventeen years old and still just as bad with words as his sister was good with them. "So, other than that, and the fact I had a sister, is there anything else you've forgotten to tell me lately, Mom?" There was no malice or sarcasm in his question - he saved those for his father - but Ranma's awkward management of languages of non-fighting varieties also extended to his way of posing questions.

"Well," Nodoka the Adult said, a hand on a cheek, "as a matter of fact, yes. Your father, as usual, chose to stall your registration until the very last moment, so I'm afraid there were no spots left at the male academy for you by then."

Tendo Akane's eyes snapped fully open. "What?! Then, is Ranma going to miss a full year?!"

Her fiancee shrugged. "Eh. Coulda been worse."

Shan Pu nodded. "It give Ranma more time to spend with Shan Pu."

"On the other hand -" Ranma began, and his right eyebrow started quivering.

Haruna blinked. "Hm? Onii-chan, are you gay?"

"..." Ranma said.

Akane and Nodoka the Adult turned aghast looks at her, while Nodoka the Teen sighed and Yue facepalmed.

"Just asking," Haruna said with an air of complete normality.

Ranma exploded at her. "OF COURSE NOT! WHAT THE HELL GAVE YOU THAT IDEA?!"

"It's not like there's nothing wrong with that!" Haruna avoided answering, blinking a few times.

Nodoka the Adult paled. "Oh my. I hope I didn't make a mistake sending her to an all girls school." She looked at Nodoka the Teen and Yue. "Are you gay?" she asked them in the exact same tone Haruna had used.

"Um ... no," Yue said as Nodoka the Teen blushed fiercely and shook her head so much it looked like her head was going to drop off her shoulders.

"That was quite a long pause to consider," Nodoka the Adult observed.

"Hey!" Shan Pu slammed a hand on the table of the dingy apartment the Saotomes had rented while the Tendo Dojo underwent repairs from the latest wedding attempt. "Just because Airen shriek like girl when see Shan Pu naked, he turn into girl with cold water, and he often flirt with Pig-Boy then, that no means he is gay!"

"... Pig-Boy? Who's that?" Akane asked, as the tiny black piglet she was keeping hugged against her chest sweated copiously and looked aside.

"That's just trolling teasing!" Ranma growled, borrowing a term from Nabiki.

"Seriously, though, who's Pig-Boy?" Akane asked again. "Oh, I get it! Ryouga, right?"

The piglet stiffened and let out an agonized cry.

"Just because Ryouga is dating a pig farmer like Akari-san, that doesn't give you the right to call him that, Shan Pu!" the short haired Tendo girl scolded.

The piglet sighed his relief.

"Bite me, Tomboy," Shan Pu stuck her tongue out at her.

"Oh, I get it. You're just shy, Onii-chan," Haruna understood, sounding somewhat disappointed. "And cursed," she added, excitement picking back up.

"You're taking the news of the curse remarkably well," Ranma commented sort of sourly. "I can't say it's not refreshing to meet someone who doesn't freak out over it, but -"

"Oh, I've had several encounters of my own with magic already," Haruna explained. "Nothing exactly like your curse, though, although our teacher almost was turned into an ermine once."

"Haruna!" her two friends said at once.

"Hey, they are my family, and everyone knows about magic already!" Haruna told them. Then added, with a sharp glare towards her mother, "And unlike others, I'm not fond of keeping secrets even from those who would keep them from me."

"I honestly thought you remembered each other!" their mother claimed. The panda kept dragging himself further back and towards the door on his huge furry butt.

"Well, that's nice," Haruna said, not believing a word. "Mom, Onii-chan, Dad who is also a bear, I am a proud co-savior and future conqueror of Mundus Magicus!" she flashed a huge evil grin AND a shiny card she had produced from her breast pocket. "Ministra Magi of Negi Springfield, the greatest hero of the Magical World! How's that for the runt of the litter, huh?"

Her mother's body became quite stiff, and her eyes nailed themselves to the card. Even Genma stopped backing away and broke into violent, gruff coughing.

Nodoka the Adult craned her neck ahead so her nose almost touched the surface of Haruna's Pactio card. "Is this ... a Permanent Pactio?"

"Uhhhh ... yeah," Haruna said. "You knew about those?"

"That Negi Springfield ... he is your teacher, isn't he?"

"Ah ... yeah, but ... oh, I get it, you're thinking that I, that we, um, let me assure you, it isn't that way, sadly, I mean, it happened when we had to stop Mars from crashing on Earth, and we all joined our powers and spirits with Negi's, and -"

"You joined your what with whom?-!" Ranma gasped, as Akane blushed and Shan Pu began smirking like a mischievous cat.

"Heeeyyyy!" Haruna said. "Cut it out and listen, you're getting it wrong, it's not like we -"

"You are going to marry that young man. Aren't you?" Nodoka the Adult asked, in a tone that still somehow managed not to be a question but a statement of fact.

"- marrying?" Haruna eeped as Nodoka the Teen, for the first time in months, fainted, and Yue's face blanched.

Ranma looked at Haruna's paling face and patted her on a shoulder. "Welcome to my world."

"... uh, thanks, Onii-chan, but I don't intend to -"

"... vixen."

"I'M TELLING YOU IT WASN'T LIKE THAT!"

---

"I heard she's a victim of domestic violence," said the whispers in her wake. That, at least, was just like in the old times. Only it had been her father, then, whom they had suspected of inflicting all the bandaged bruises and cuts all over her shapely, youthful body. But, just like back then, all those marks were the unfortunate side results of her addiction to tugging on animals' tails, no matter how dangerous they could be, and her new job at the Mahora Zoo, alongside Tina Foster-san. But the crowds she passed through holding her grocery bags didn't know that, naturally, so they blamed her husband.

Her husband, as a matter of fact, was saner and more stable now than he'd ever been since he had first met him, that spring morning in their classroom, writing his name on the chalkboard and complaining about how it could spell 'Mr. Despair'. Many months, failed suicide attempts, psychotic attacks from Chiri, heartfelt apologies from Ai-chan, bizarre rants on the ailments of Japanese society, Harumi doujins, lawsuits from Kaere, e-mail poison from Meru-chan and lessons in life later, he'd ended up marrying all those who had a part of Fuura Kafuka, his one true love, in them.

They all were Kafuka. That was an incontestable fact. An outsider might never understand, but Kafuka had been such a multi-faceted person in life, despite her simplicity, that none of them saw anything wrong with being an aspect of her while also being their own people. It has been said that every human being is their own universe, and while Itoshiki Abiru doubted that statement's accuracy in most cases, it definitely applied to Kafuka. Her own universe, and then some.

While leaving the market, she passed next to a black haired young boy and two girls, one tall and busty, the other small and freckled. The boy and the smaller girl carried heavy grocery bags while the mature looking one led the march, with a pleasant wide smile and wearing a light white dress that showed off her appealing physical assets. "Don't stay idle, Kotaro, Natsumi-chan!" she was saying. "It's getting late for lunch!"

The boy, in the meanwhile, was looking at the freckled girl and telling her, "I insist, I should be carrying those -"

"I said it's no problem!" she replied. "It's not like I'm a cripple or anything!"

There was something about that boy that intrigued Abiru for a second. Instinctively, she looked down at him and saw a small bulge in the back of his pants, right where a tail would fit. She wondered, very briefly - but no. She shook her head to herself and kept on walking, taking her own diverging way. She was seeing tails everywhere now.

Soon, she arrived to the old, huge house the Itoshiki clan had left collecting dust in Mahora until a couple months ago. Another of the perks of joining one of Area Eleven's most influential families. The Itoshikis, unlike other potentates, had lost little in the disasters, and even their wayward shame of a son could collect the leftover benefits of their rank. There was room for even Rin-chan and Majiru-kun while they studied at the local academy, which was good enough, Abiru guessed, and it certainly made Kiri happy. Even if taking care of the house left them with less time to devote to the man of the house.

Said man was now sitting on the porch, reading the newspaper and lamenting on the sorry current state of society. "I'M IN DESPAIR! THOSE WHO TRY TO STUFF TOO MUCH INTO SOMETHING THIS NARROW LEAVE ME IN DESPAIR!" he said, before realizing her arrival. "Oh, Abiru-chan. You were out! You should have -"

"It's okay. I wanted to go alone," Abiru quietly said, walking in and past Itoshiki Nozomu and Itoshiki Matoi, who sat right behind him with her hands on her lap. Matoi stared calmly at her as Abiru disappeared inside. The truth was, none of them were ever really alone, since Kafuka always did and always would connect them, but that was a technicality. Out of all of them, Abiru was one of those who was mostly a genuine loner, and she exerted that side of her Kafuka-ness whenever she had a chance.

Chiri was setting the lunch table, more than a hour before they were to eat, making sure to neatly arranging all plates and glasses in perfect symmetry. Nami helped as best as she could, trying to remain quiet and draw as little attention from the alpha mate as possible. Chiri had softened over time, somewhat, perhaps as a result of Kafuka's easygoing influence reasserting itself on her, but she still remained the 800 pound gorilla of the household. Only Harumi, who knew how to deal with her since their shared childhood, could really stand up to her during disagreements, more or less making her the second at charge of the house.

"I'll get to work on lunch right now," Abiru said, receiving a distracted nod from Chiri, who was too busy with the silverware to pay her attention. Chiri's obsessive attention to details had the fortunate side effect of preventing her from focusing on two things at once and leaving one half-done, so you could escape her attention if you moved during one of her concentrated activity spells.

"I'll help you, if that's okay with you! Sorry about not going with you!" Ai-chan offered, appearing out of nowhere and going after Abiru. "I know I should pull more of my weight in domestic affairs! Ah, I'm a terrible housewife, sorry, sorry!"

"It's okay, no one's criticizing you," Abiru calmly said as they unpacked the groceries. She had glimpsed Harumi working on her manga and Meru texting in her way through the house, so she still didn't understand why Ai kept being so hard on herself when she was one of their hardest workers. Well, Abiru did understand, actually, but that didn't really make it any easier to swallow.

For that matter, as they all aware, society was finding their unique arrangements hard to swallow so far, even though they were slipping through the cracks of a public attention that was more concerned about more pressing and widely urgent subjects. It'd only get worse starting tomorrow, when Nozomu would start teaching at Mahora. It was a miracle on itself he had landed that job living with them as he was, even counting the Itoshikis' influence in the equation.

Abiru was, despite it all, sure - in a semi-Kafuka-esque way - that it'd end up working out, regardless. It wouldn't be easy, no, but ... yeah.

As she and Ai cooked together, however, she only hoped Nozomu's appeal and Kafuka's distribution would stop working in tandem at this new place. Abiru was okay with what they had going so far, but the idea of welcoming more bearers of Kafuka into their marriage truly didn't excite her in the slightest.

Every apology of Ai over the slightest things only reinforced that feeling.

---

"A victim of domestic violence," the petite pink haired girl said sagely, nibbling from her lunch.

Her barely older black haired husband blinked, looking at her over the small table at the back of their market stand. "Domestic violence?" he echoed. "Are you sure? Maybe she just suffered an accident, or something like that."

"No, no, that has to be domestic violence," she insisted. "Trust me, I know a lot on the subject."

The young man smirked and rolled his eyes aside. "Well, you'd have to..."

The loli-looking young woman snapped from her childhood flashbacks of Sister Éléonore disciplining her and stared knives at him. "What do you mean by that, you idiot dog?!" she shrilled, producing a wand out from under the table and aiming it at him.

"Aiiieeee! Nothing, nothing!" the boy shook his hands before his face. "I only was musing, well, you always have great insight into what makes others tick!"

"Oh," she said, lowering the wand. "Thank you. Yes, as I was saying, every week she shows up to buy groceries with her bandages in different positions. And she's very quiet and withdrawn, and those are classic symptoms of domestic abuse. Your world isn't as civilized as you'd like to think, Saito," she shook her head in faint disapproval.

As a matter of fact, Hiraga Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Vallière was far from being charmed by her new husband's homeworld in general. Saito claimed it used to be way better, that they had arrived during a particularly bad time, but Louise had her doubts that any world that spawned war technology as fearsome as fighter planes (and Siesta's ancestors) ever could have been any sort of idyllic place. Not to mention, it was really trying, for someone raised in the nobility, to pretend to be a commoner in a strange world, and withstanding the hardships of a commoner's job. But still, she had come to accept she indeed loved the stupid dog, so she endured it for his sake. She was aware he had spent a long time in her world going through many tribulations, so she supposed it was time for her to repay him the same way as he enjoyed being back amongst his own. And of course, she wasn't about to leave that pervert alone with all the women who came to the market to flirt around for discounts. No way at all!

They were even worse than Siesta, whom she had come to more or less stand. The maid from Tristain Academy was still assigned as their domestic help, so they were the sole family in their cramped apartment building with a servant. And ... then some. Louise blushed to herself as she ate from the lunch the busty woman had cooked for them that morning, after a vigorous session of ... master-master-servant bonding. At the very least, that had brought an arrangement of peace of sorts between them, although the two females still snapped at each other at times, even if more playfully than anything.

Even so, Louise hardly could wait to go back to Tristain. Saito's world was creepy and strange. She didn't feel safe walking around on the open without him. (In truth, she could have kicked the asses of the huge majority of Mahora City's population all by herself, but safety is often a matter of perceptions.)

"So, what do we do about it?" asked Saito, pulling her back from her contemplations.

Louise blinked. "About what?"

"About the abused girl, of course," Saito, always the white knight with an eye for fair maidens, asked. "We can't possibly stand back doing nothing while a frequent customer gets mistreated, can we?"

"Especially not one with big breasts, isn't that right?" Louise sharply accused.

"W-What does that have to do with anything?-!"

Louise raised the wand, gestured tensely with it for a moment, and then lowered it with a sigh. Damn Character Development, she thought. "And what do you expect us to do? We have no jurisdiction here, and even back at Tristain, it was seen as bad form for nobles to intrude in the domestic matters of their subjects."

"Well... There must be something we can do..." Saito dubiously said. "At least let's find out if she's really abused."

"She is! She has to be! Are you doubting me?-!" Louise's pride was hurt again, and then she frowned in a vicious cute way. "Fine. From one commoner to another, let's have Siesta make small talk with her next time, and steer the topic that way, right?" That was a neat way to dump the issue on another's (best of all, Siesta's!) head while still managing to look good and rational. Louise mentally congratulated herself on being so ingenious.

The dog, naturally, nodded at her display of common sense. "That's a great idea, actually, Louise. I'm glad you thought of it!"

And just with that, all of Louise's self satisfaction evaporated and her old complexes kicked in again. "Oh? Because Siesta is more understanding of others' plights and a better fit for that than me, isn't that right?"

"I... I never said that!"

"But you were thinking it, right?"

Saito was thinking it, so he couldn't do anything but freeze with huge 'Please don't blow me up' eyes.

"- and now you're thinking of how I'll blow you up just because of that, aren't you?" Louise accused again.

"Ahhhh."

She forced a grin, tossed the wand aside, and said very sweetly, "Don't be silly, Saito, dear dog-husband of mine! Haven't I grown up so much lately? Hasn't our relationship grown up as well? Do you think I don't know that blowing you up would do nothing but prove your otherwise-unfounded point about my being some sort of violent domestic abuser?"

Then she noticed he was staring at her flat chest, and sputtering a typical Idiot Saito-ism. "But ... you haven't grown up so much lately." Then he seemed to realize his recurring blunder and recoiled. "Ah! Remember! Blowing me up would only prove my wrong points to be right!"

"That's right," she said. "I'd never blow you up over anything like that, not anymore."

"That's a relie-"

She pulled out her riding crop whip. "I'LL USE THIS INSTEAD!"

"DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!"

---

"Hey, Panty?" she had called out.

"Yeah?" her sister, blond airhead skank that she was, had asked.

"You know how Heaven-sent weapons can kill demons, but they can't hurt people?"

"I guess so..."

"Do you think they work on angels?"

"How would I know? You'd have to try it -"

STAB!

Bam, right through the head. And then, quickly, she had sliced her into 666 parts before the shocked eyes of Father Garterbelt, Brief and Chuck the Dog. (Management wishes to remind you Chuck was the dog's name, and you aren't being commanded or invited to throw any housepets around.)

"Sorry," Stocking had said. "I'm actually a demon."

---

"- so why would I ever forgave you for that one?" Panty asked as she and Stocking watched the replay, in the depths of the Mahora Mary Magdalene Church.

Stocking took a spoonful of her delicious pudding and delicately carried it to her mouth. "Because we are sisters, and the depth of our sacred ties is stronger than what happened a single time under special circumstances?"

The blonde in the red minidress lashed out at the impassive dark haired petite beauty. "BITCH, YOU'RE A DEMON, AND I'M AN ANGEL! HOW THE FUCK IN THE NINE FUCKS CAN WE BE FUCKING RELATED, YOU FUCK?-!"

The room's door opened, and a dark skinned head with a long mane of healthy silvery white hair peeked in. "A-hem."

Panty made a face. "Ah, yes, that. Sorry, Lady Urd."

Urd's head pulled back, thus ending this cameo.

"AND ANYWAY, I DIDN'T SEE YOU HARPING ON THE DEPTHS OF OUR GODDAMN TIES BACK THEN!" Panty kept yelling.

Stocking yawned very cutely. "Wouldn't you agree that is an incident you, too, would prefer to leave behind? I'm willing to call it Canon Discontinuity if you are. They glued you back together just fine, didn't they? Although they shouldn't have bothered with your cock-sucking mouth."

"SILENCE, YOU TWO!" the towering, Afro-sporting Father Garterbelt finally bellowed at the top of his lungs after several moments of standing there with veins pumping all across his forehead. Chuck yelped and ran for cover under the girls' couch. "PANTY! STOCKING'S RIGHT, WE SHOULD STOP DWELLING ON THE PAST AND IGNORE ITS BITTER LESSONS! AND STOCKING, PANTY'S RIGHT AND YOU'RE A GODDAMN BITCH! Now listen, Angels!"

"Demon," Panty muttered sourly, pointing at Stocking.

"Dis-con-ti-nui-ty!" Stocking sing-sang.

"SILENCE!" Garterbelt roared again. "I don't care about your last season petty grudges, what matters now is we're short on staff willing to keep working on Earth, so even proven miscreants and failures like you two are to be drafted back to active duty! With more than half of Japan leveled, this is the remaining area with the biggest amount of paranormal energies, plus Abnormals, Mahou Shoujo and other freaks of nature to feed on! That means every Hollow, Ghost, Witch, Nightmare, Wraith, Orphan, Daimon, Droid, Youma, Lemur and Twilight Fan left is going to head here and try and raise shit! And you two are better gonna do your best shittin' effort to keep all those creeps at bay and far away from these grounds!"

"Why us?" Panty moaned, scratching her itching crotch. "Why not Sachiel, Shamshel, Ramiel, Gaghiel, Israfel, Sandalphon, Matarael, Sahaquiel, Iruel, Leliel, Bardiel, Zeruel, Arael, Armisael or Tabris?"

Garterbelt responded with an uncomfortable silence.

Panty lifted an eyebrow. "Well?"

Stocking gave her a bewildered look. "Where were you over the past year?"

"ALL ACROSS DATEN CITY IN SIX HUNDRED SIXTY SIX PIECES!" Panty growled at her once more.

"Dis-con-ti-nui-ty!" Stocking sing-sang.

"They all were killed by angsty kids piloting giant robots," informed Garterbelt, somberly.

"What the fuck?!" Panty said. "Damn it, and Ramiel owed me seven thousand, too! Wait, Stocking, why didn't they kill you too, then? Because after all, you didn't spend all that time as a demon, riiiiight?"

Stocking smirked proudly. "I kicked their asses!"

"What?"

---

Five Months Ago:

"It's useless!" Ibuki Maya cried all over the Geofront's intercoms. "Units 00, 01 and 02 are down! They ran out of power, their Umbilical Cords are severed, and even Unit 01's Berserk Mode and the Dummy Plug failed! The Angel's got a clear path for -!"

Stocking, whistling as she played with her twin blades, walked all over Unit 01's fallen body, until she heard a familiar sound of tiny bells in the distance.

"Ooooo! Ice-cream man!" she slurped, and then ran, mouth watering, in the exact opposite direction of the Geofront.

"..." Gendou, Fuyutsuki, Misato, Ritsuko, Kaji, Maya, Aoba and Hyuga all said.

---

"- oooookay," Panty said. "And... what about Zauriel, then?"

"Playing superhero in America," Garterbelt said.

"I heard he's replacing Hawkman," Stocking added, serving herself another helping of pudding.

"Man, that's just fucking sad," Panty said. "Although Thanagarians are always hot, heh heh heh ..."

"Anyway, now you understand the gravity of the situation," the hulking human said. "It's imperative for both of you take this seriously."

"... those hard naked hairy pecs ... the whole macho warrior attitude ... those big, honking, long, hard maces ..." Panty slobbered.

"Slut," Stocking said.

"WILL YOU TWO START PAYING ATTENTION ALREADY!" Garterbelt screamed.

Panty huffed. "Give us two good reasons why we should bother setting shop here."

"A high concentration of harem male leads, and Chao Bao Zi desserts every day of every year," the Scary Black Priest dryly said, folding his arms behind his wide and strong back.

Panty's jaw slackened. "Chick Magnets with years of repressed, pented-up libido!"

Stocking dropped her spoon. "Don't tell me ... these are the legendary origin grounds for the Chao Bao Zi and its golden legend!" And her eyes became stars.

Garterbelt smiled and nodded twice.

"SOLD!"

"WE'LL TAKE IT, CHIEF!"

And that was how it started all over again...

---

"I used to be important, you know," the overweight, funny-looking balding man said, sitting on the bench next to the so far silent figure feeding the pigeons with him. "I was the Principal of Seinan before The Incident! I was a respected, prized pillar of our community! But now look at me ... living in a seedy apartment building, washing dishes for a living, and waiting for the bar to open so I can drown my sorrows. And you know who's to blame? Huh?"

"Dem aliens who wrecked yo' school?" the other man asked, smiling in a rather disturbing fashion for someone who had just been told about another's misfortunes.

"What? No!" the smaller, heavier man said. "Perish the thought! I'd never hold anything against my dear cuties Lala-chan, Yami-chan, Mea-chan, or even that sexy, sexy Nemesis-san. No! The fault belongs only to that rotten Konoe! Daring to deny a place in his staff to an old colleague and respected educator like me! Can you believe the outrage?"

"Oh! Yeah! I know 'im! He's de local Big Kahuna, alright? But I like 'im! He's funny! I think he's a brudda!"

"A ... what ..." the smaller man gave the impression of blinking behind his sunglasses. "Oh, no, no, no! He's a petty, narrow minded old man jealous and envious of my talent! He kicked me when I was down! Hiding behind excuses! Claiming my behavior was unacceptable on his premises! Even branded me a 'deranged stalker'! Can you believe that? When I've always been a beacon of moral decency? All my treatment of cute ... sexy ... bouncy ... appetizing ... oh so very pretty ... girlies, I mean, women, has always been nothing short of admiring and considerate!"

"Well, mon, I don't know ya, so I'll take yo' word for it." The other man crossed his legs, enjoying himself beneath the sun. "Me, I'm enjoyin' a golden retirement, yeah? I been workin' hard for years at Furinkan, so I thought, well, wit' area totaled, I better pack mah things, retreat to 'nother of mah many properties across country, an' spend final few decades o' life restin' on mah mountains of moolah, sippin' daiquiries!"

"- I think I hate you," the other man actually sobbed like a child. Then he tossed his hands up. "O cruel Fate! Why have you punished me? What have I done? Show me some light to make my existence worthwhile again!"

A very young girl with her brown hair made into a pineapple-like style passed by, accompanied by a barely taller, yet more physically developed gorgeous blonde in tight black. They both had their arms full with bags of cleaning products. The former Seinan Principal's scarce remaining hair stood up on end.

"Thank you for offering to help with the cleanup, Yami-chan," the shorter girl was saying. "And I'm sure Rito didn't mean to do ... that. When he recovers enough to talk, be sure to listen to him, okay?"

"Very well," the blond girl stoically said.

"... Yami-chan ..." the fat man weakly said.

Then the taller man had all of the fat man's clothes but his boxers tossed on him, as the nearly naked pot-bellied offender dashed ahead, with open arms, towards both girls, making the shorter one shriek. "YAMI-CHAAAAAAAAAN! YUUKI-CHAAAAAAAAAN! Heaven must want to get us together ag-!"

The blonde's long hair had just turned itself into a massive fist and punched the fallen educator high into the atmosphere. "... pest ..."

Yuuki Mikan blinked. "Oh, wow. I thought he'd died. I suppose that's good to know, but -"

"Maybe he'll die now," Golden Darkness, a.k.a. Yami, . The Greatest Non-Czarnian Bounty Hunter in the Galaxy, a.k.a. You're Mistaking Me with Another Eve, quietly said, her cold eyes following the airborne trail of her living projectile until it disappeared with a twinkle in the sky.

"Yami-chan!" her friend said.

"Sorry. Just speculating about a distant possibility, not expressing any sort of wish," Golden Darkness lied.

"Well, I know he can be very scary, but - AHHH!" Mikan yelped as her hair was gently caressed from behind.

The much-taller-than-her tanned man in the loud Hawaiian shirt and shorts hummed to himself. "Hmmm! Yeah, this perfect pinneapple! Very impressive, wahine! Yah got approval seal! WAH HA HA HA HAH!" And, indeed, he pulled a 'KUNO KOUCHOU' seal out of his shorts and slapped it on Mikan's head, as Golden Darkness dropped her bags and her eyes went crimson. That made the loon turn towards her, toying around with two oversized scissors. "But you, wahine, yah got ten demerits fo' irregular hair! Even if I no Principal here, I still membah o' Japanese Education Commitee, yeah! Dat hair's gotta go! Wahine hair shouldn't be dat long, never mind attackin' people! Dat against all regulations! Snip snip, snip snip!" He assumed an expert battle ready stance, chopping the air with the scissors.

This one gave her more of a fight. It took her all of half a minute to punch him into the upper layers of the atmosphere.

"Wow," Mikan said. "The girls were right, Mahora is a strange place ..."

A few moments later, two figures just fallen into a trash container at the other end of the city struggled to get back up. It wasn't being easy.

"Oh mon ... hey, by da way, why were yah in park in first place? Didn'tcha mention yah in dish-washin' job?"

"Actually, they had fired me this morning ... Something about overreacting waitresses ..."

"Times, dey're a-changin', Bro ..."

A tiny figure strolling by the alley carrying a huge bag of undergarments on his back whistled to itself, happily. "What a haul, what a haul! This place sure has a lot of lovelies with even lovelier undies!"

The fat man tensed up, then his head sprang out the container. "That voice ... MASTER! It's you!"

Happosai stopped abruptly, then looked at the trash-covered fat man with shock-wide eyes. "Huh? Are you ... it can't be! After all this time! YOU! And you fared in life as well as I expected, I see ..."

An ermine popped out of the bag with a bra caught between his teeth and ran away, taking advantage of the little troll's momentary distraction. What an overzealous fella! And fast, too! He had caught him unaware during one of his raids and snatched him away along the same undies he was stea- procuring for Pactio Development Research purposes. And then basically kidnapped him away without even noticing him, although Chamo had found it difficult to find the willpower to escape until then.

Seriously, what kind of morally dilapidated fellows were moving to the area, anyway?

---

Somewhere in Mundus Magicus:

The horned, fanged figure in barbaric armor (we'll leave the debate on Mundus Vetus' barbarians and their dress code for later) backed away, experiencing, for the first time in his long life, fear.

The figure stalking over towards him, smirking fiendishly, flexing its hands in obvious menace, began cackling madly as it walked over his downed, charred comrades, through the wrecked corridor a couple sneezes away from collapsing.

"Please ... no ..." the demonic guardsman begged, dropping his axe, for he knew it would avail him naught against the monstrous attacker and its taller, more robust-looking follower, who marched a few steps behind, glowing sword in hand. "I'll give you all of our treasure if you just let me go!"

"Now, that's what I've waited to hear all day long," the red haired menace chuckled grisly, stopping. "However, you should have offered that earlier, and you'd have saved yourself a world of headaches ... assuming you still have a head by when I'm done with you. By now, all I have to do is bring the place down and dig your treasure out. So why should I spare you?"

"Um," the short figure's companion hemmed. "But, Lina, there's the matter of the prisoner we were sent for in the first place, isn't - GUHHHHH -" The tall blond man in light armor was silenced when the girl's elbow slammed into his stomach, hitting like a brick even through his protection.

The demon guardsman blinked. "The prisoner? I have no idea who you're talking about, but - GIIIIIIHHHHHHH!"

Lina Inverse, the Dragon Spooker, the Enemy of All Living Things, She who Only Fears the Mistress of Puppets And Her Own Sister (and slugs, but no one but Gourry had ever learned that and lived to tell the tale) pulled her foot back from his crotch, grabbed the much taller hell-beast of a man, and rattled him around like a kitten. "Okay, yeah, so we came for her! Who sent us, that's no business of yours! Just tell us where is she and maybe, perhaps, probably, we'll let you go!"

"- second door to the right after taking off the fifth block up from the floor on that wall and going through the secret passage, Ma'am!" the feared guardian whined like a small child.

Lina smiled very cutely. "Thanks!" And then she headbutted him into unconsciousness. She was feeling sort of nice today.

After pulling the block off, sure enough, a cryptically dark corridor was revealed. The handsome young blond man picked his nose twice, then said, "You know, when they stick these prisoners in these sealed dungeons, isolated from the outside world ... why don't they suffocate to death? I have always wondered."

"Mages do it. Duh." An annoyed Lina started inwards, carefully, a light spell in her fingers, and a wary expert eye looking around for traps. "You wait out there and yell if there are reinforcements. You can't even walk into a kitchen without triggering traps."

"How could I know that duck would set a trigger in his icebox to drop it on us?" Gourry Gabriev tried to protest, but by now Lina was too deeply inside of the tunnel to listen or care. He sighed. "And I only wanted a glass of water!"

After several minutes of walking through the darkness, Lina came to a halt. There had been no traps so far. That was weird, to say the least. True, the place itself, never mind its true purpose of keeping a prisoner instead of stashing demon haul, had been a total secret until her current employer learned of it very recently. (Or so he claimed.) So maybe they hadn't thought they needed booby traps. Demons could be quite careless at times, she mused as she resumed her march. But then again, far too crafty other ...

"Oh my L-Sama," she breathed out, as she arrived at the the sole door at the end of the tunnel. The door was a simple, rusty jail one with black bars, allowing her to see, inside, a huge bubble of containment, of the sort often used by sorcerer technicians to preserve their live specimens in a state of hibernation.

Inside that bubble, which floated two feet above the ground, there was a naked beautiful woman, with very long and trailing golden hair, frozen in such a way she almost looked dead, her eyes fully open, fixed on nothingness.

One blue eye. One light green eye.

After the shock, after the realization, after all the implications sank in, Lina Inverse smiled greedily, with a glint in her reddish right eye.

This would net her a fortune!

---

Back at Mundus Vetus:

That afternoon, a tall, very beautiful and silent girl with long dark hair walked across the Mahora Campus, taking in the sights and getting to know her new school better.

While wandering around, Sakaki-san saw a lean black cat with a half-moon mark on its forehead napping on a fence. That made her stop right in her tracks, and then approach the small animal with a starry eyed look. She might have adopted an iriomote cat the year before, but now she lived in the school dorms, she didn't have to worry about her mother's allergies to domestic cats anymore, and more always meant better, right?

As she walked closer to quietly pet her head, the cat's large round eyes flew fully open.

As a Mau from the Moon Kingdom, Luna fancied herself a civilized, rational individual, lacking the primal, basic instincts of common felines. Normally, she wouldn't be the sort to answer with violence to an intended act of kindness.

Still, some irresistible force moved her to bite those fingers.

Ah, well. It wasn't like she had too much of an use for girls who weren't Sailor Senshi.

---

Carefully nursing her hurt fingers, down along the road, Sakaki-san met another, pudgier small black cat, this one walking around. With a witch's hat on its head. How... cute!

Blair always tried to be as friendly and easy going as a Witch could be (even though she really was no actual Witch, but those were semantics). But even so, when that girl approached her, somehow, she HAD TO bit her extended hand.

---

Looking down at her hands, both now sporting bitten fingers, Sakaki was distracted when she ran into a small and very cute white cat with a streak of blue fur on its head near some fountains.

Felicia was a huge believer of love and camaraderie between humans and Darkstalkers. She had fiercely fought those who would stand in the way of those ideals and only saw humans as prey and toys, like Lord Raptor the Zombie Rocker or even Huitzil, the human-exterminating Pre-Columbian Mexican robot. Don't ask. She loved humans and always tried to get along with them, even if she most often had to be in the form of a small cat around them until they learned to accept the Darkstalkers.

So why couldn't she fight her urge to chomp that kind looking girl's fingers when she tried to pet her that afternoon?

Such a vexing mystery. She never would know for sure.

---

Later, Shihouin Yoruichi was on her way back from visiting Urahara Kisuke's new store when she stumbled onto a depressed looking pretty girl with bandaged fingers. The girl paused upon seeing her, looking almost afraid. Surely she was superstitious.

However, seeing Yoruichi stopping as well, sitting on the sidewalk to look up at her in a curious manner, the girl only hesitated for a moment before crouching down to -

---

"And you bit her? Why?-!" Kurosaki Ichigo wanted to know, while Rukia peeked out of his closet, listening on with interest.

Yoruichi looked somewhat worried for once. "I honestly have no idea what came over me, then ..."

---

With an air of defeat hanging over her, Sakaki dragged her heavy steps towards her dorm building.

Then she saw the most beautiful girl she had seen in all of her life, sitting on the grass, with an air of sublime grace about her. Pale and delicate skin, quiet and sincere eyes. Tall and well shaped, yet modestly dressed. The long green hair and the strange metal head ornaments were somewhat odd, but they only added to her strange, exotic appeal.

Best of all, she was surrounded by cute, well fed cats and kittens eating from her hands.

Sakaki's eyes widened in fascinated wonder.

The girl noticed her, and after a moment, invited her to join in with a subtle motion of her head.

Sakaki pointed at her own chest. Me?

Yes, you.

With a small blush, Sakaki crouched down next to her, and accepted a handful of the cat food the attractive girl was handing her to -

Then, much to Chachamaru's horror, the kittens all flew onto Sakaki, meowing fiercely and slashing with sharp claws.

It was a somewhat awkward first meeting.

---

Gokou 'Kuroneko' Ruri patted her long black skirt one last time before following her new roommate into the RADISH cafe.

It was a new start, and it was what she needed. Not what she wanted, not exactly, but it had to be the best for her. After being rejected by the love of her life ... no, no, scratch that, burn it away, he couldn't be the love of her life, she still was young and dumb after all. No one ever took their teenage crushes seriously by the time they hit college, for God's sake! It was stupid, even for an admittedly asocial Goth Loli cosplayer (but it wasn't cosplay, it was a way of life!) like her, to pretend otherwise. That was why, starting anew here, she'd get over him, she'd forget all about him and about his stupid sister who wasn't even that good a friend anyway, and she'd get herself a real social life, although still dressing in Goth Loli, because that was her life style, darn it ...

Ikoma Minami stopped and blinked, turned around to see her new roommate frozen at the door, with her large dark eyes even rounder than usual. "Ruri-san, I mean, Kuroneko-san?" the short, brown haired swimmer asked. "Is there something the mat-"

The pale short girl with long black hair pointed over to where three girls sat with a startled boy. "Y-YOU!" she called out.

"Ah, Gokou-san," Arakagi Ayase greeted her calmly. "So you're here too? What a ... pleasant ... surprise."

"Oh, hey there, Blackie," the honey-haired Kosaka Kirino waved. "What's up? Always turning up on my path, just like a black cat, I see."

"Ahhh ..." The boy with them made his best awkward smile. "Hello? Um, you look good."

The very tall girl with thick round glasses adjusted them. "Weren't you being transfered over to Osaka?"

"We ... we didn't have the money for that move," she weakly admitted, before scowling as much as she could without actually frowning.

Kirino blinked, and then, naturally, asked the worst thing you could have asked when not stopping to think in that situation. "And yet you had the money for Mahora?"

"I am in a scholarship!" Kuroneko hissed like her namesake, as Minami took a wary step aside.

Kirino blinked again. "A scholarship for what?"

"Kirino, please," Kyousuke muttered in a very low voice.

"None of your business," Kuroneko said coldly, for admitting 'one of those charity ones the relocation relief services toss around like candy' would have been too humbling. And then a cute if somewhat plain looking young waitress with the 'Saionji S.' label pinned on her shirt approached her and Minami. "Good afternoon, may I take you to your table?"

"Actually, we were just leaving -" Kuroneko began to say, but before Minami could ask a strangled 'We are?', Kirino laughed and patted an empty chair next to her.

"C'mon, Blackie, don't be so stingy! Aren't we all old pals? Just c'me here and let's have a talk while we dine! Aren't you going to introduce us to your new friend?"

Kuroneko looked for a moment at Minami's innocently stunned face before sighing. "Very well," she sighed, sitting down next to Kirino as Minami took the other extra seat offered by Kyosuke. "I suppose I can start by saying these have been a few nice, quiet months."

"Uh-huh," Kirino nodded.

"I mean it."

"Sure thing, I know."

"Oh, really. Yours?"

Now Kirino lost some of her smug smile and admitted, "They have been ... interesting."

"I suppose that's a way of putting it," Ayase said, closing her eyes and sinking her chopsticks into her meal, in a way only slightly reminiscing of stabbing it. Kyosuke gulped for a moment.

"This is Ikoma Minami, my roommate at Mahora, here on a swimming scholarship. Ikoma-san, these are Arakagi Ayase-san, Makishima Saori-san, Kosaka Kirino-san, and her brother Kosaka Kyosuke-san. They were my, um ..."

"Circle of friends and ex-boyfriend at Chiba Benten," Kirino pointed out.

Kuroneko cringed for a moment, but bit her tongue as she saw the waitress was standing there, waiting for their order, and lifting an eyebrow just slightly. Kyosuke only looked as if they had just stuffed fire ants into his pants. "In a way, yes," she admitted. "A Caesar salad and orange juice, if you please."

"Ah, it's a pleasure!" the very tall girl shook Minami's hand energetically. "Swimming, huh? Tell me, are you into 'Free'?"

"Sorry, into ... what?" Minami hesitated.

"It's a swimming anime," Ayase sighed with a patient air around her. "Never mind that, they just happen to be-" Then she noticed her friends' eyes were on her. "Something wrong?"

"Ah-hah! So you are into 'Free'!" Kirino pointed at her with a triumphant air.

Ayase blushed and stuttered. "I-I- just happened to overhear about it during your conversations!"

"So you aren't into all those hunky guys with tons of subtle delicious subtext between them?" Saori asked.

"I have no idea what are you talking about! I don't know any of the specifics!" Ayase lied.

Kirino sighed blissfully. "Ah, Ayase-chan has grown leaps and bounds over the last few months."

"I'm telling you, you got the wrong idea!"

At a nearby table, one Nanase Haruka was not amused. "What a noisy bunch."

Tachibana Makoto laughed it off gently. "Don't mind them, I'm sure they're just enjoying themselves as much as we are."

---

The blond and beautiful Yukihiro Ayaka smiled placidly. "Helped my beloved boy teacher to save this world and the world of magic. Twice."

The pink haired, bespectacled and busty Takagi Saya forced a hard smirk. "Oh, yeah? I guess that's very impressive, but did you have to stand face to face with the living dead overrunning your city while doing so?"

"Oh-ho-ho, ho ho, ho-ho!" Luviagelita Edelfelt, as blond as Ayaka, as busty as Saya, laughed with a hand on her own mouth. "She's told me that story already. Both times, she just grabbed her classmates' hands and let her teacher handle the rest. I'm not saying that wasn't impressive in its own way, Yukihiro-san, but it surely can't compare to the dangers of hunting Class Cards, and worse, dealing with a Tohsaka in a routine basis."

As Ayaka stared poisonously at Luvia, Daidouji Tomoyo smiled in a way as pleasantly unnerving as Chizuru's, picking her tea cup up with an extended pinky. "How many of those cards were there? Seven? Because Sakura-chan caught fifty two, and I have got video evidence ... do you want to see?"

"No, please, not again," Tenjouin Saki requested flatly.

Fujino Shizuru would have tossed her figurative hat in, but her own supernatural deeds weren't exactly ones that made her proud, and she couldn't talk about Natsuki's without mentioning her own involvement, so she just kept sipping her tea in silence. Natsuki preferred to remain as unnoticed by the world at large as possible, anyway.

"Show of hands of all those who have actually helped their alien comrades to stop outer space invasions?" The blue haired Nishizawa Momoka smiled in a way that surely wasn't slick or wily at all, directing a surely only casual side glance at Saki, who just grunted not-so-ladylikely. (Is that a word? Well, it is now.)

"It doesn't count when you're helping invaders against other invaders!" protested the tiny Sanzenin Nagi.

Sawachika Eri kept on watching their discussion in an uncomfortable silence, glancing back and forth between them. This was too much for her, and honestly, her head was starting to feel like it was boggling a bit. Other than perhaps Akira, she didn't know anyone who could possibly keep up with the conversations of all these girls, whom she once had believed to be nothing but the simple, normal elite of the Japanese society. It made her feel... minuscule in comparison.

Kashiwazaki Sena seemed to be undergoing the same feelings of confusion, only with less understanding and more perplexed blinking.

And then, Shiba Miyuki put her cup down and very seriously said, "Well, if we're listing our and our close ones' achievements, I don't want to boast, but my Onii-sama -"

All the others tensed up in terror. Whenever Miyuki started going on about her brother, it was even worse than Tomoyo's videos or Ayaka's shotacon tales.

Eri had a headache by the time she finally could leave the dinner at Yukihiro Manor, dropping in the back seat of her limousine and tiredly telling her driver, "To the dorms, and please not a word. I have a headache."

"As you wish, Ojou-sama."

What could she say about her own life? Compared to the others', hers now looked so dull and ... ordinary. Her rational mind told her that was perfectly okay and desirable, but she couldn't help thinking, as she dozed off, maybe it would have made her ...

In a tight and skimpy metal bikini, with a golden winged helmet on, and holding a flaming sword in a hand and a massive machine gun in the other, she stormed in. "Harima-kun! Never fear! After training with the Mountain Hermit and catching all the Magic Cards, I have reached my ultimate power!"

The chained half-naked mustachioed, sunglassesed (Again, is that a word? Oh, who gives a shit.) hunk of a man gasped in relief. "Eri-san!"

Rising slowly from her throne of human skulls, Dark Queen Yakumo adjusted her power reading and dryly monotoned, "Her fighting level ... not, this cannot be ... it's over nine thousaaaaaand!"

Eri wasn't a violent person, and really, she didn't have anything against Tenma's sister per se, so the scene then abruptly changed to Eri, Warrior Princess, standing with the half naked blushing hunk of a man in her arms. "Eri-san," he huskily said. "I ... thank you ... I can't ... I can't deny it anymore ... I love you, Eri-sa-!"

She lightly placed a finger on his rough, dry lips. "I know. It's all okay. I love you as well ... Harima-kun."

And their mouths slowly came together in a deep wet ki-

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Eri sprang up from her back seat, thin lines of drool splashing all over her face, and terror gripping her heart.

"Ojou-sama?" the driver asked. "Are you okay? We're at only two minutes from reaching your -"

She rubbed her own face with a hand and grunted, "I said 'not even a word', didn't I?"

"- of course, Ojou-sama. My apologies."

She sighed to herself. She needed a new set of secondary friends. If you could even call them that. With any luck, she'd meet Mikoto and the rest again soon, and then stop spending her time with the daughters of her father's so-called friends.

---

In the lonely calm of her new small room, Matoi Ryuko - not to be mistaken with any stalker, sorry, DEEP LOVER married into the Itoshiki clan - looked at the new Mahora High uniform in her hands for several long, long moments before sighing deeply.

"It'll never be anywhere nearly the same ..."

---

"So, not like I mind or anything," Kyon said before they went their separate ways, after coordinating their course of action for the next term, "but I'm still wondering, and none of you has actually answered ... exactly why are we all still standing, if Haruhi learned about magic, superpowers and all of that, anyway?"

Koizuki Itsuki blinked rather subtly. "You mean you don't remember?"

"Ah?"

"Nothing. Forget I said anything. It's probably for the best -"

"Oh, get serious," Kyon told him. "I have very complete memories of the last few weeks, and I still am not sure of exactly why-" Then he paused, and glanced at the nervous looking Asahina Mikuru and stoic Nagato Yuki. "- because I don't really have any lacunae in my recent memory, do I?"

"Eeeeeeeehhhhhhh!" Mikuru trailed off, looking down at her small feet in shiny shoes.

"Classified information," the short haired pale girl said.

Kyon stared almost blankly at them for a moment before his face returned to his hand palm like a child nesting against its mother's familiar bosom.

"Don't think you'd remember it if you had memory loss?" Itsuki jovially asked.

The darker haired, less handsome, taller boy grunted. "Cut it out. I'm not in the mood for that. Worst thing is, I'm actually half convinced I'm better off not remembeing all the details -"

"Yes, you are," Nagato quickly agreed.

"Definitely!" Mikiru nodded, very fast.

"Suffice to say, once again, it was your closeness to Haruhi that convinced her to-" Itsuki began.

"Okay, now I'm really convinced I shouldn't know. Thanks for-"

"- when we pulled you out of the singularity zone, you seemed quite -"

"I said I'm perfectly fine not knowing!" Kyon interrupted him again.

An uncomfortable silence reigned from all sides.

"Anyway," Kyon eventually said, "If she knows most things, other than those directly related to her, now, that means our work should be easier from here, right?"

"You don't really believe that, do you?" asked Itsuki.

"Of course not, but I wanted to hear your answers either way. I mean, logic would imply we now have less to hide, but then again, it also means now she'll be more brazen, bolder, um ..."

"Crazier?" supplied the other male helpfully.

"Yeah, that's precisely the word I was looking for. Thanks, I guess," admitted Kyon.

"The purpose of Suzumiya Haruhi's SOS Brigade will shift from mere discovery of the unknown to its exploration," said Nagato. "It is thanks to you that Suzumiya Haruhi could take that decisive step, changing her paradigms without destroying her conception of the world. You should be proud of helping her achieve that level of awareness, not only of herself as a being with limitations to work around, but others as beings with rights of their own to exist the way they wish."

"Does that mean she'll stop forcing you into costumes?" Kyon asked dryly.

"Probably not," admitted Mikuru in a weak little voice.

That was bad, Kyon decided, sinking mental knives in the tiny voice in the back of his head disagreeing. But he supposed Rome wasn't built in a day. At the very least, they had survived until now, and even if their lives were probably now more chaotic than ever, at least they retained a fighting chance against the unsourmountable wall that was Suzumiya Haruhi and the insane world she controlled, right?

Right?

We are so dead, he thought, although he wasn't sure if that would have been better thought in a more bitter inner tone.

---

Roanapur, despite being an island city relatively close to the Asian coastline, hadn't suffered as much as many other similar small masses of land scattered all across the Western Pacific. Okamura 'Rock' Rokuro kept thinking it was another sign of how only the good die young as his jaded dark eyes rested upon the sight offered through Balalaika's large window. Several portions of the piers and neighboring areas were now under the salty waters, but the main chunk of the cursed island, the seedy refuge for pirates, drug dealers, killers for hire, hackers, Twilight fans, spies, hitmen, thieves and other scum favored by most of the international underworld, was keeping its oversized, rotten head out of the water for now.

"I won't do it," Rock said quietly, stamping his cigarette on the frame of Balalaika's window.

The heavily scarred Russian mafiosa smiled, sitting cross-legged behind her large desk, as Revy gave Rock a grumpy back glare and the massive Dutch rubbed slowly his own chin with a strong hand, lost in contemplation. The blonde said, "It seems you have misunderstood me. While I know you wouldn't be exactly eager for a new tour of Area Eleven with me after the incident with the Washimine family, I'm afraid this isn't and can't be a request. Rather, think about it as a way to repay the families after your recent ... enterprises."

"Hey, now, what's the -" Revy began raising her voice, before Dutch lifted a hand in a way that made her scowl but close her mouth back regardless, after a sour, "Whatever."

The young man closed his eyes and breathed out. "What's so important about Japan right now, anyway? Enough to make you personally go again? It's wrecked so badly, and Roanapur itself is in so much need of attention, I'd have thought you'd do better -"

"Thank you for the concern, but I assure you I'm perfectly able to define what's in my own best interests," the tall scarred woman said, playing a bit with the Cuban cigar in her hand before taking another long drag. "Chang will handle the situation here for the time being, and before you object, we all know no one here's in a situation to backstab anyone else. Yet. For the time being, I feel confident leaving for a couple weeks."

"It'd be your bacon in the line anyway," Revy shrugged. "Still, why the sudden interest in -"

"An old acquaintance of mine, Fujimura Raiga, called for our intervention," Balalaika explained calmly, as her lieutenant Boris stood silent guard behind her. "After losing most of his stronghold in Fuyuki City, he needs help finding his footing back, and frankly, he's the most stable ally we have left with the Elevens ... sorry, bad word," she apologized for Rock's benefit, actually sounding sincere even if not contrite. "The remains of the Mashida family are getting hungry to take over, and we'd side with Fujimura over them any day. If we don't actively intervene, what's left of that area will be plunged into a desperate gang war."

"Which would be bad for your interests," Rock tiredly said.

"Obviously," Balalaika said. "We are willing to pay you twice as much as last time. I hope you'll agree that's very generous from us, after your recent string of moves to subvert our established order."

"I have no idea what are you talking about," Rock said, ignoring the blunt stares of Revy and Dutch towards his back. "But that matters little, doesn't it? As you said it yourself, it's more of an obligation than anything."

"I prefer to think of it as your duty," Balalaika philosophically told him. "You had your dreams for this city, and while I can't share them, I respect them, even if you won't believe me. But remember, 'In dreams begin responsibilities'."

"I have woken up," Rock said, finally turning back around to face them, unsmiling. "But next time you have to visit the islands, I hope you'll have learned the language by then."

---

Overlooking the city, standing on top of the highest skyscraper, she remained silent, her long black hair caressed by the breeze. Alone in the night, save for the broken, battered, shattered small white creature at her feet.

This is the world I have created for you, were her thoughts, which were one with reality itself, extending themselves like sadly dark tendrils through the very fabric of things. It's not a perfect world, but I'm afraid this is the best my soul could give birth to.

Will you forgive me for giving you this world? I remade it from what so many others mindlessly destroyed as my gift to you. I tried to make it the best I could. But I'm not a good person, not anymore, and when the Devil plays God, bad things tend to happen. But as long as you're in it, there will be hope and light. You will be that hope, that light. Because not only is this world my gift to you; you are my gift to it.

I'm counting on you, Madoka.

The small creature stirred for a moment, and then the small foot in a small brown shoe cruelly, yet absently, ground it down under its heel, until there was a whimper and a cracking and snapping little symphony of pain and an all too brief death. Its body began regenerating just as quickly, for the next bit of petty small revenge that remained one of the few sole pleasures she had been left with.

Akemi Homura looked down at the mostly sleeping city, the breeding ground for the future, filled with the refugees and their dreams. Somewhere down there, her favored dreamer was resting, preparing herself for the next day and all it entailed. Which was good. That was the way it had to be. She would move on and ahead. All of them would. All but her. Only for Akemi Homura, the future meant nothing but a facade to sustain, a canvas to hold from behind while others painted their hopes and plans.

It didn't ache, that thought. She had left pain and sorrow behind. Instead, there only was a black hollow immensity, with a single prickle of pink light pulling up, making sure Homura continued, making sure Homura didn't just let everything go.

I have to.

---

Next on Chapter Two: Academy of Adventure.