"Tom?" His grandfather looked from the doorstep to the living room where his grandson sat.
"Yes grandfather?" Marvallo pointed to the bundle on the doorstep. A letter was precariously perched atop the cloth, unmoving even in the chilling breeze that swept round the house. The message read
`Tom
This is our son. I am about to get married and this could ruin my families reputation. Look after him.`
"Tom?" His grandfather was peering over his shoulder. "Tell me that's not your illegitimate child dumped on the doorstep like the morning milk."
"Apparently it is my illegitimate child dumped on the doorstep like the morning milk." An extremely random background character, (whom was later identified as 'Brain') ran in and yelled.
"Oh no~o!" A pulse of green light caused him to collapse... dead.
"Stupid locals" Tom muttered stowing his wand and kicking the offending bundle inside.
"He could have had a wife and kids you know." Marvallo complained at the steaming corpse lying in his orchids. 'I had just finished weeding them yesterday dammit!'
"Who?" Tom was now prodding the blanket with a snake whistle. (Which Marvallo later disinfected)
"The guy you just killed?" 'and is right now squashing my orchids!'
"Oh." He looked up from the illegitimate child. "He's gay."
"What? How do you know?"
"Gay-dar" he tapped his forehead.
"Well... He could've had a... Husband! And kids."
"Err... you did do Sex-Ed right? Gay = ManXMan. Woman have baby. Man make baby with woman. Man can no make-"
"Shut up!... They could have been adopted."
"Meh." Tom shrugged "He's dead. Can't do anything about that now." Marvallo grumbled as Tom returned to prodding the lump.
"It's a girl!" He exclaimed as the head was revealed.
"Boy."
"What? Long hair at that age? Girl!"
"Boy."
"We'll see about that!" He unwrapped the rest of the bundle. "..." He handed the rewrapped bundle to his grandson.
"A boy I take it" Marvallo glowered at the smug grin from Tom. Tom rolled his eyes and looked down at the baby. (oh btw Voldie aka tom has always been snake man so :P) His 'son' was as pale as he, with long lank black hair. 'He's only about 1! What's up with that hair?' Tom held the thing at arms length, like a person would an ugly puppy. 'What do I do with it?' He swiftly came up with a plan and dumped the baby on his grandfather.
"Look after it." He growled and stormed into the library. Marvallo looked down at the child, which was hissing softly to itself as it slept. (Yay baby has Parseltongue)
-Time passes. Maybe weeks, months, years... a hour?-
"I-" Tom paused for dramatic effect "-have a solution!"
"Great! NOW GET THIS THING OFF ME!" Marvallo was struggling with the baby, who had his teeth sunk into his great-grandfather's leg.
"Petrificus totallus" the baby became stiff as a board, tom looked at it with displeasure.
"Wow. I can't work out who's the better parent. You or the woman who left him here to be brought up by you." He muttered sarcastically, turning from the plank child to his grandson, who was drawing on the wall. Feeling the questioning glare tom elaborated.
"Some magic needs marks. Very druidish I know, but desperate times." Finishing the chalk circle symbol, he held his hand out for the boy. Marvallo passed him on. Tom started muttering unintelligible words at a super fast rate, holding his son in the centre of the chalk markings. (Many years later someone found the scroll he'd gotten the magic words from. It read:
OMG! I never wanted you, you creepy little son of a bitch! I never wanted to be a father. Why didn't I use protection? Why didn't she use protection? This is why I'll never have children! Go to another Universe you icky little thing!) Tom said the magic word.
"Bollocks" The chalk glowed harshly, flashed and swallowed the child from his father's arms. Marvallo collapsed as the flash seemed to engulf him.
"I'm dying! Why Tom Why? Why did you do this to me?"
"That wasn't a spell to kill you, you old fart!"
"I'm slipping away! I can see the light, everything's going dark! Tom! There is something I always had to say!"
"You're not dying! It's a transdimensional portal you old coot!"
"I... I'm so proud of you Tom! I always have been. You, you were always the apple of my eye."
"Oh Grand-! Wait what? Why am I playing along? You're not even dying!"
"Goodbye my favourite-"
"Only!"
"Grandson" Marvallo fell dramatically onto the carpet "Rosebud!"
"Fucking arsetard" Tom picked up the poker.
"Argh! OW! Tom!" Marvallo clasped his side, his face contorted in pain.
"It's not even sharp"
"It's a white hot poker!"
"Oh..." He inspected the poker. "I thought it was just the design."
"You stupid-!" A green pulse of light stopped him finishing his sentence. Tome sat back on his heels, glaring at the now lifeless body that used to be his grandfather.
"Nobody calls me stupid."
And that is why Tom killed his grandfather Marvallo.
Oh and if you haven't worked it out the baby is orochimaru!
[Okay you didn't really need the whole story to tell you that... but it wouldn't have been as much fun would it? :3]