The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone out to dinner. Just more madness from my tiny little mind.
What's Happening At Krieger's Korner
"Hello!" Krieger waved. He was dressed in a red jacket and black pants holding a glass of burbon while sitting at a table at a swanky restaurant. "And welcome once again to Krieger's Korner! And joining me is my regular gang of accomplices."
"I wish you wouldn't refer to us as that," Ray sighed. He was dressed in a smart tan suit (With his usual dark glove.).
"It is pretty accurate," Pam said. She was wearing a lovely blue dress with pearls.
"I like being an accomplice," Cheryl grinned. She was wearing a beautiful green dress. "It makes me feel involved."
"A little too involved," Ray sighed.
"I thought I'd try a location with a more sophisticated air," Krieger explained as he sipped some of his drink. "In exchange for some promotion for Cheryl's new restaurant Happenings, we get to host today's show in the bar area."
"And we get some free drinks and food which is off the hook!" Pam chomped down on some appetizers. "Seriously people you gotta come to Happenings and try the Crab Rangoons! Amazing!"
TOOOT!
"Okay so full disclosure," Pam added. "Crab Rangoons sometimes give me gas."
TOOOT!
"Ugh!" Cheryl held her nose. "Sometimes?"
TOOOT!
"Fifty-fifty," Pam admitted.
TOOOT!
"Okay that one wasn't me!" Pam called out.
"Sorry," Cheryl winced. "I don't know what happened. I only get gassy if I eat anything with dairy. But all I've had was some Crab Rangoons and these radish and chive tartines. With some kind of cream on them."
"Those have cream cheese in them," Ray said.
"And…?" Cheryl blinked.
"Cream cheese is dairy," Pam pointed out.
"It is?" Cheryl gasped.
TOOOOT!
"Oops," Cheryl winced.
TOOOT!
"Damn it," Pam said. "Sorry."
"I can just smell the sophistication," Ray wrinkled his nose.
"I know right?" Pam gulped some more food down.
"Let's get to this episode's topic, shall we?" Krieger asked.
"But first let's give a shout out to our sponsor!" Pam said.
"Isn't that technically me?" Cheryl blinked.
"Well your restaurant slash bar," Pam said. "Come to Happenings! Where the food is happening!"
"Oh my God," Cheryl said. "You just came up with a better slogan than a room full of my stupid ad agents. In like what? An hour or…?"
"No, I just came up with it right now," Pam said.
"Seriously?" Cheryl was stunned. "I should so totally fire my stupid advertising company."
"What did they come up with?" Ray asked.
"What's Happening?" Cheryl said.
"Isn't that the name of a TV show?" Krieger asked.
"That's what I said!" Cheryl gasped.
"That's a trademark lawsuit waiting to happen," Ray remarked as he sipped some bourbon.
"UGGGH!" Cheryl groaned. "I knew it was a mistake to buy that stupid company! But my stupid board of stupid directors had this stupid idea to acquire it. Something about the Tunt Corporation having an ad agency would help us with our image or something."
"I can see their reasoning," Pam remarked. "But honestly it's gonna take more than a single ad agency to improve your image."
"Don Draper couldn't improve your image," Ray added.
Cheryl rolled her eyes. "It'll save us money in the long run they said! We need good publicity they said! Are you trying to bankrupt the company with your antics like your brother almost did they said!"
"Uh huh," Krieger said. "Anyway…"
Cheryl kept going. "Do you realize that your association with those losers at the Figgis Agency and the money you keep throwing at them is slowly draining the company accounts? If this keeps up and you keep getting arrested we could have a serious problem!"
"O-Kay…" Krieger tried again. "So anyway…"
"And why are you pretending to be a secretary anyway?" Cheryl went on. "It would be cheaper just to buy the company outright! I thought you were just going to do some research on that company and buy them out just like your father planned!"
"Hang on," Ray did a double take. "What was that last one?"
"Oh, my father had this brilliant idea for me to pretend to be a secretary at some company and do some research so that he could get enough inside information and buy them out," Cheryl waved. "But I applied to the wrong company and didn't tell him because it was more interesting working at a spy agency and then I just forgot all about it when my parents died."
Pam looked at Ray. "That explains so much…"
"Or was that something I saw on TV?" Cheryl blinked as she downed a glass of brandy. "I want to say Dallas but I know that's not right."
"That seems a lot more plausible," Ray said to Pam.
"It doesn't matter," Cheryl waved. "My board of directors hates you guys because they think you're a waste of money."
"Wonderful," Pam groaned as she drank some brandy. "So, we're not going to expect any references from them anytime soon?"
"I would think not," Krieger shook his head.
"They're just mad because it's harder for them to embezzle money from my company," Cheryl spoke up. "Like that one guy. Harold Falkbreeze. That guy's a piece of work."
"What'd he do?" Pam asked.
"His secretary," Cheryl quipped.
"Hello!" Pam called out.
"His male secretary," Cheryl pointed out.
"Hello!" Ray grinned.
"Oh my god this is just so funny," Cheryl snickered as she took a drink. "Harold Falkbreeze is like married with three kids and he pretends he's this high class ultra-conservative. Mr. Morals and all that. But he's been screwing his male secretary…Tiberius Preston Brown for like ten years."
"Tiberius Preston Brown?" Pam asked.
"He's black," Cheryl said. "And Falkbreeze is white and his whole family are screaming racists who make Ms. Archer look like a hippie!"
"Really?" Ray grinned. "The plot thickens."
Cheryl giggled as she took another drink. "It's so funny because he's like I'm Mr. Conservative Family Values to everybody but every Friday night my father would catch him being spanked by Tiberius while wearing a lot of leather. And I mean a lot of leather."
"This is a live feed to the Internet, right?" Ray asked as he pointed to the camera.
"Oh yeah," Krieger nodded. "Thought I'd spice things up by doing a live show."
"Mission accomplished," Ray told him.
"And his wife…Angela Falkbreeze…" Cheryl went on. "She's not that much better. One of those kids she had isn't even Harold's. He's actually the son of their stockbroker. She's been screwing him on and off for seven years. And that ain't all the liberties he's been taking if you get my drift? You get my drift?"
"You're saying Harold's stockbroker is screwing him both in and out of the bedroom?" Pam asked.
"And how," Cheryl said. "I heard that he's embezzled enough money so that he bought a mansion on some island somewhere. Angela thinks he's going to run off with her. Boy is she in for a shock. This stockbroker…He's also screwing her sister. And any hooker who will take credit cards."
"Okay…" Krieger blinked. "Well this has been fascinating Cheryl. But now I think we should change the conversation to…"
"No, no…" Pam interrupted. "Let her talk."
"Any other hypocrites on your board Cheryl dear?" Ray asked sweetly.
"Oh man…" Cheryl laughed. "There's this one guy…Louis Preston Elias The Third. More like Louie Likes to Wear a Dress and Go Down to Third Street…"
"Well maybe he's just expressing himself?" Ray spoke up.
"And then gamble on illegal cock fights in the back alley," Cheryl added. "With money he embezzles from his country club."
"That's a step beyond expressing himself," Pam added.
"He's expressing his inner crook," Ray shrugged.
"And outer one," Cheryl said. "And he's not the only one in my company. Oh no! My company is full of liars, cheats and thieves. But then again that's how my family made their fortune so it's not like we're in any position to judge."
"I think you should be able to judge a little," Pam blinked.
"Pam," Cheryl looked at her. "My family committed treason during the Civil War. On both sides!"
"I see your point," Pam admitted.
"Like my Cousin Caesar Carlos Tunt," Cheryl went on. "He heads our brokerage firm. He skims from his clients all the time! I mean if you think Bernie Madoff ran a Ponzi scheme, he's peanuts compared to my cousin Caesar Carlos!"
"Bernie Madoff stole billons of dollars," Krieger was stunned.
"And my cousin stole even more than that," Cheryl nodded. "Where do you think half the money for the Tunt Corporation comes from? It ain't just trains no more."
"Really?" Pam asked.
"I tell you if the Feds ever raid our brokerage firm odds are the Tunt Corporation could go out of business like that!" Cheryl snapped her fingers. "Or at the very least cripple our company. Oh, Krieger you should probably edit that last one out."
"Uhhh…." Krieger looked at the camera.
"When is this going to be online again?" Cheryl asked.
"Sooner than you think," Pam said.
"Cheryl honey maybe you should just give your mouth a break for a while?" Ray suggested. "Let's talk about something else. Anything else."
"I know," Pam said. "Let's talk about Happenings. Where good times happen."
"And good drinks," Cheryl poured some more alcohol into her glass. "This 1875 Old Bunkum bourbon is amazing."
"We're drinking Old Bunkum?" Ray looked at his glass. "Isn't a single glass worth thousands of dollars?"
"Seven thousand to be precise," Cheryl grinned as she downed some more. "What? You said you wanted to be classy Krieger? And what's classier than drinking expensive bourbon I stole from my family's secret alcohol stash they keep here? I think technically my brother owns this bottle."
"What's left of it," Ray said.
"What are the odds somebody in law enforcement is watching this?" Pam asked.
"With our luck?" Ray quipped. "One to one."
"Might as well finish up the evidence," Krieger poured himself a glass and emptied the bottle. Then took a drink. "That's good bourbon."
"It should be considering we drank at least 56 thousand dollars of this," Ray said.
"How do you get that number?" Pam asked.
"There's four of us having two drinks minimum at seven thousand dollars apiece…" Ray said. "Its this new thing called basic math?"
"More than two drinks," Krieger took another swig. "Damn that's good bourbon."
"That whole bottle alone was worth about a million and a half," Cheryl shrugged. She then threw the empty bottle over her shoulder.
SMASH!
"HEY!" An angry woman's voice screamed. "Who threw that?"
"Me!" Cheryl hiccupped.
A tall woman with long brown hair and a red evening dress stormed up to her. "You knocked out my date!"
"Who…?" Cheryl looked over. "That guy on the floor?"
"YES!" The woman snapped.
"Lady I did you a favor," Cheryl snickered.
"WHAT?" The woman snapped. "I'm gonna clean your clock!"
"I hope you do a better job of cleaning than picking out boyfriends," Cheryl remarked drunkenly.
"I mean I'm going to kick your ass!" The woman snarled as she started to attack Cheryl.
"Hey!" Pam intervened and shoved the woman off camera. "As much as Cheryl would love you to cause her pain. We're kind of responsible for that idiot so…"
POW!
"Uh oh…" The woman was heard. "Did not expect you to take that punch so well…"
"Oh, now you're in for an ass whupping!" Pam was heard. The sounds of a fight and things breaking off camera were heard.
"EEE! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" Cheryl squealed with glee as she ran out of shot.
"Of course, there's a fight," Ray sighed as he drank some more brandy.
"So, are you gonna get in there or…?" Krieger pointed.
"Phrasing," Ray quipped. "But no. You?"
SMASH!
"Nope," Krieger shook his head.
SMASH! SMASH!
"This is really going to get the word out about this restaurant," Krieger remarked as people behind them started to run in panic. "We should not have done this live should we?"
SMASH!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" The woman in red was thrown across the room behind Ray and Krieger.
"No, we shouldn't have," Ray said.
"Come to Happenings!" Pam popped in. "Where anything can happen!"
"Literally," Ray quipped.
"RRRRARRR!"
"AAAAHHHH!" A chef ran behind them being chased by a familiar crepuscular cat.
"You brought your damn ocelot to the restaurant?" Pam shouted.
"I ran out of Ocelot Chow!" Cheryl told her.
"Tune into next time on Krieger's Korner…" Krieger began.
SMASH! CRASH!
"RARRR!"
"If there is a next time on Krieger's Korner…" Krieger added. "Where we will finish our discussion…That we technically didn't start."
"What was this episode supposed to be about?" Ray asked.
"I have no idea," Krieger sighed as he finished his drink.